My BPDw's temporary happiness phase and my PTSD

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw is in the stage of having some happiness in her life with her work and with her studies. I know that she is going to try to be more verbally abusive when she is in a bad mood or when she believes that I am doing something wrong. I know that I have the lessons and the support on this website which all of us nonBPDs are so very grateful to have.

In the meantime while she is in this temporary happiness phase, I still am living with the aftermath of the emotional hurricane of her verbal abuse. Yes, it is PTSD. I have to pretend that all is fine when I am dealing the results of her negativity. If I even bring up how she has affected me to her, she will claim I want to create chaos. If I don't bring how up how she has affected me to her, then, this is the result. Thankfully, I have friends, family, my T, journaling, exercising, movies, and day trips to do, all of whom and all of which do help to a certain degree. Nevertheless, all of the above cannot replace a loving relationship which is so very much missing on a personal level. I am not looking for anyone else to fill the bill, if you will, because that will only create more chaos.

[OnceConfused]

samuel:

Go along and enjoy that temporary happiness time for yourself.

[Samuel S.]

OnceConfused, I understand what you are saying by going along with this temporary happiness phase and enjoying it; however, when you consider accumulative effects of the verbal abuse with her not apologizing, with her not promising never to be verbally abusive again, and me thus not being able to trust her, the only time that I can go along with her is when she is not around. Indeed, the acumulative effects of all of her verbal abuse is dragging me down, a form of brainwashing, which coincidentally what her own mother did to her when she was a child. So, again, the verbal wounds are very deep, no matter how much I walk away from her when she is verbally abusive.

[Samuel S.]

Here's an example of what I was just saying. My BPDw just came home from working. She complained about work. Then, the phone rang. Her sister tried to call on the phone, but the connection was poor. I said "hello" about 5 or 6 times, just in case her sister could hear me. My BPDw was listening and said I shouldn't say "hello" so many times. Within 15 seconds, her sister called back, and I was able to talk with her. Then, I apologized to my BPDw for saying "hello" so many times, but I did say I wanted to answer the phone. After all was said and done, her sister was not calling for me, but to find out if she could come over here to see my BPDw.

So, while the day was temporarily happy along with wondering how the H*** I got caught in this marriage trap, my temporarily happy day was halted by her verbal abuse. Granted, this is a minor example of verbal abuse, and there are far worse examples that I have suffered, but it still is a form of manipulation.

[OnceConfused]

you are such a nice guy to your w.

If it were me, I would say to her, "I am just trying to make sure whoever on the side can hear me. if you don't like how I answer the phone then you might want to pick up the phone the next time. That way you can answer or say hello as many times as you would like, I promise I would not criticize you for it. Is that fair?"

Don't apologize for things that you don't feel that were wrong.