Intervention ~

[JoeD]

Soon to be exBPD has no idea she is a BPD. Our children recognize it, her parents even know something is wrong, and has been. They want me to move back to the house. I have been out now 3 months and have been doing NC, as much as possible when there are 4 children involved. My question is, do I forward this website to her parents. I know I can not send directly to her, I am the cause of all her problems. Of course she doesn't really listen to her parents either, and of course does not have friends. I am sure her one friend is BPD also. I guess its a question of how to have some type of intervention. The other question with this, is, do I just forget it and move on. I get better every day, still hard but I dont want to go back to eggshells. She of course seems to be already moving on, and I am thinking it might be best to just let her go on thinking she is fine, as the children tell me they will not live with her when we are finally divorced. Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I don't know how that would go over with her parents Joe, it depends on the parents and your relationship with your soon to be ex inlaws.

Have the parents indicated to you that they see something wrong with their daughter and want to know what that is? Have they ever mentioned mental illness?

[JoeD]

Yes, My in laws know something is going on, We get along great, they love me. Of course I have been taking care of their daughter for 20years. They do not know the children do not want to live with her. Mother-in-law has bad depression/anxiety, soon to exBPD has a brother with severe mental illness, actually ward of the state. So there is a history and an understanding. Of course she isolates from her parents. She is mad at her mother for not "taking a mental inventory". exBPD actually has mentioned going to see someone for some things, but I don't know what she thinks those things are; she has a history of anorexia/bulimia and shockingly is now a binge eater.

[Mutt]

Hi JoeD,

Of course she doesn't really listen to her parents either

I'm sorry your family is going through all of this. Is the angle that she may be more receptive and may listen to her parents in order for her to get help for herself? I get the sense that she's not listening to you.

[lbjnltx]

Who does your soon to be ex listen to? 

That is the person who will have the best chance of getting her to see the need to go to therapy.   

Approaching the parents with a "resource that I found very helpful, take a look and see what you think" is an option to help her parents better learn to cope with their daughter and r/s with their daughter.  It is not a given that they will 1. agree with you that she suffers with BPD or 2. convince their daughter to seek help.  There is also great damage that can be done to a relationship when we pronounce someone with a diagnoses.  That is best left to a professional and even then sometimes they don't tell their patients the diagnoses.

I hope this perspective is in some way helpful to you in making your decision.

lbjnltx

[JoeD]

    Thanks guys for your perspective. I agree that her parents and or I can not go to her with a diagnosis. I think they would be open to the website, although I am not sure how they would use it. I think I will wait and see if she actually goes to see someone. Unfortunately, she may just go back to the therapist who treated her for anorexia, and never said anything nor addressed BPD. I am really starting to come to grips with us divorcing and getting on with our lives, although I will still have to deal with this, since we will be co-parenting 4 children. Thanks again

[JoeD]

As to who she would listen to; she has one friend right now who she might. Of course, the friend is totally on her side, and would think I was crazy to mention it. She is also the only "friend" to like her post about us divorcing on facebook; out of over 100 people!

[Mutt]

Hi JoeD,

I can relate with you. I sent emails to both of my exe's parents ( exFIL and exMIL ) and I tried to reach out to her friends. It didn't get well received, it's not say that my experience is the same as yours or anyone else, but it may help you.

Friends and family are loyal, I also co-parent with 3 kids, your kids mom is sick and you're trying to be helpful, I completely understand.

What every Non Needs To Know

A borderlines who is serious about therapy will be responsible enough to make their appointments, be honest with their therapists, and do any and all suggested homework. Borderlines serious about treatment will pursue it, and make a commitment to it.

Anything less than this is a waste of time and money, typically with the borderline just going through the motions to placate someone else.

Some with BPD may want to change but cannot make a commitment, or have the motivation and personal responsibility needed to make it work. If the person with BPD in your life misses appointments, re-schedules them, and/or finds endless reasons why the therapists they've seen is "the problem", "make things difficult" or "just doesn’t understand”, you are likely dealing with someone who isn’t really invested in getting help, or getting better.

Borderline Personality Disorder Therapy - Is Your Loved One Serious?

You will find many members that have similar experiences and we can offer you guidance and support. You may already be aware of these boards, but I'll share them with you here.

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

Co-parenting after the Split


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[JoeD]

      Thanks Mutt, I will hold off for now as far as letting the inlaws know. I do look at the other boards, and have bought and started reading numerous of the recommended books. BPD is a real nightmare!

[Mutt]

     Thanks Mutt, I will hold off for now as far as letting the inlaws know. I do look at the other boards, and have bought and started reading numerous of the recommended books. BPD is a real nightmare!

This is going to be a rough stretch if you are going through divorce, a pwBPD fear abandonment, perceived or real, at the center of the disorder are abandonment fears, a narcissistic injury, the core wound of abandonment.

It's good to hear that you are reading the recommended books. Read as much as you can about the disorder, you will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

I suggest sharing with fellow members on the boards to keep you grounded through a difficult period, it does get better  

[mimi99]

Have you considered printing out the description of BPD to give to the parents (If the opportunity presents itself)? I know that I had wondered what was wrong with my child, sending her to numerous therapists until I read the description on the NIMH (or some other, not sure) website. I was floored by how much it described my daughter and, although devastated by the implications of a PD, I was relieved to finally know what it was. They may recognize their own daughters behavior and come to an understanding for themselves. Of course, you will know if they would be receptive to this and choose the right time, if any. Good luck

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders