Ongoing Confusion

[townhouse]

I left my home last week to go to my little place in the city for some peace before uBPD partner and I have to decide how to come to a financial settlement. Basically non contact except for a text from me to him about the new buyer wanting to measure something in the new home we are selling.

Then today I received an email from my partner titled "I am not right in the head" and the first sentence read     " My deepest apologies to you townhouse, I know you think I am not right in the head and I believe you are correct"

He then went onto apologise again for the DV, saying how could he do it to me the kindest person to him, apologised for  all the stress with the builder, the financial bullying, the silent treatment ... ?

What is going on?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JohnLove]

It's called bait and switch... .or is it switch and bait? 

[babyducks]

people who suffer from BPD believe that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever.

and then the next incredibly intense barrage of emotions roll in and they believe those emotions are totally accurate and will last forever.

they also believe that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change.

so for him, if you change how you act with him, his feelings will change and his problem will be solved.

remember that this apology will also likely not last,  it's a transient soothing mechanism designed to make him feel better.   

[formflier]

 

Times like this can be used to attempt to put his feelings into action.

That is where lasting change has a chance to happen.

This is also why the advice is to focus on what they "do" over a long term instead of what they "say".

Be shy about agreeing with him. 

He will remember the agreement... .but forget that he brought it up first.

Bait and switch is good way to look at it.  But, unlikely it is conscious strategy... .but a result of him chasing the feeling of the moment.

FF

[townhouse]

Good replies. Thank you so much.

FF says " Be shy about agreeing with him". Excellent reminder.

[townhouse]

I returned to my home in the country and found a much changed uBPD partner.

He wants to gradually talk about all his previous horrible behaviour with me and others and try to understand where it is coming from. He completely accepts that he does have a problem.

More importantly he has enrolled in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation course and had tried to seek out the physiatrist who assessed him at the psych hospital where he was taken on the night of the DM. He found out he has to go through the local doctor for that and is going to proceed there. Also getting full blood tests to check on oher health measures.

Whew!  I am just waiting and watching and being validating. Our agreement not to decide how we are to proceed with the financial separation still stands in that we will decide after Christmas what we will do.

With the sale of the final house and the exit of the builder from his life has brought about peace for him and his torment is now how could he have turned violent towards me. Also he keeps talking about how wrong he has been n the past to only focus his thoughts on himself. He hestitantly refers to his problem as perhaps having autism (doesn't mention BPD)

We discussed how my attitude to him changed on the day of the DV. I have mentioned that on that day I became withdrawing myself and didn't want to know or listen to him anymore. I mentioned that maybe he had felt abandoned and he could see this. He says that he feels his problems go way back and maybe they are connected to him being sent tou boarding school at the age of 5. ( he is English)

Again Wow!

I'm taking it day by day and am also intending to leave again to visit my other son in another city who is really looking forward to seeing me... .doing this for myself as it were.

The lessons I have learnt here are invaluable.

[JohnLove]

Very pleased to hear your uBPD partner is now open to holding himself accountable and accepting responsiblity for his behaviour. pwBPD are very vulnerable to stressors and it sounds like he is experiencing a good deal of relief and a great deal of introspection. I hope this continues for you and it is lasting.  

[babyducks]

Hi townhouse,

I am glad to see you pop up again.  thanks for checking in.   It sounds like some things are changing for you and your partner.   it does sound like a wait and watch attitude is the best thing you can do right now.

He completely accepts that he does have a problem.

I suspect recovery if it comes will come in fits and spurts.   It's painful and difficult to face long buried problems.

I hope you keep being strong and taking good care of you.

Enjoy your visit.

'ducks