My birthday

[GreenGlit]

It's my birthday today. I turn 27. When I look at my life so far, I think it's been pretty great. I've been a successful kid and am graduating from medical school in a few months. I'm on the interview trail for residency and am finding a lot of programs want to interview me (I've been afraid that residency programs would treat me with the same cold indifference my uBPD mother has been). I just got married exactly one month ago to a wonderful and supportive man. I have a happy and peaceful life with him.

But this is my first birthday since things with mother have gone stale. I've been LC since a lot of drama surrounding my wedding plans, and for about a year now she hasn't actually called me on the phone, just texts occasionally. I'm the one that calls her once a week or so. She is always cold. She used to call me 3+ times a day, but since I've been painted black that has drastically changed. I know the message she is trying to send is that she is angry or disappointed. But really the message she sends is that she has stopped loving me.

I know my mom is sick. I know I'll never get the relationship I want from her. I know she has chosen to miss out on many a happy moment in my life to maintain this anger towards me. In a lot of ways I have come to terms with that and have learned to focus on my own happiness and my own life. But I can't help but feel especially bad about it all on my birthday. Today 27 years ago, my mother pushed me from her womb and introduced me into the world. She loved me then. I needed her then. Around this time she was probably already in labor. She sent me a simple text wishing me happy bday, and a check for a gift, and it just feels so - forced. Fake. Like motions she has to go through as my mom, but not because she loves me.

I don't know how to deal with that.

[Kwamina]

Hi GreenGlit and congratulations on your 27th bithday

I've been a successful kid and am graduating from medical school in a few months.

This is awesome! A huge accomplishment

I just got married exactly one month ago to a wonderful and supportive man. I have a happy and peaceful life with him.

Also nice to hear married life has been treating you so well

But this is my first birthday since things with mother have gone stale.

... .

But really the message she sends is that she has stopped loving me.

... .

She sent me a simple text wishing me happy bday, and a check for a gift, and it just feels so - forced. Fake. Like motions she has to go through as my mom, but not because she loves me.

I don't know how to deal with that.

I can understand how you would find this difficult, especially on a day like today, your birthday. You mention not knowing how to deal with it. I think this in a way might actually also be true for your mother. As you say she is sick, and given the reality of BPD I think it's fair to say your mother has very poor coping skills. As hard and unpleasant as it can be to accept, her current behavior might actually be the best or only way she knows how to deal with the LC. In her disordered mind it might even make perfect sense.

As dysfunctional as your mother's behavior might be, this however doesn't necessarily have to mean that she doesn't love you. Perhaps she just doesn't know how to express her love.

Since she has BPD, it is also likely she has a very shaky sense of self and severe difficulty with not only regulating but also understanding her own emotions and those of others. Really understanding how her actions affect others is something she might struggle with. Perhaps it's not so much that she doesn't love you, but that she doesn't understand love.

Having said all of this, I realize that on a rational level it is way easier to accept these things than on an emotional level. Deep inside nearly all of us probably still and might always long for the fantasy parent we never had.

Take care and I hope that in spite of these difficult thoughts and feelings, you will still be able to enjoy your birthday with your husband  

[HappyChappy]

But really the message she sends is that she has stopped loving me.

Someone with BPD does not know love as we know it.  So trust me,  it’s not anything you’ve done, it’s not your fault, it’s just the way it is.  Get love from those capable of giving it, loads of us on this website are capable.  Sounds like you’re capable of it, so that’s a good thing. 

But I’m sure your mom probably thinks she loves you way more than she does most other people. I know my BPD would talk about a thing called love, but she hasn’t got a clue. However she bugs us way more than she bugs other people, so I take that as her form of loves. 

But it’s all relative (being a relative). So Happy birthday to you, and here’s some e-love.   Treat yourself – the week after your birthday should all be part of the celebration.   

[Sunfl0wer]

Love is a noun, love is also a verb.

I think many persons with BPD feel love deeply and intensely.

Where they fall short is how they express this.

I believe my mom with uBPD loved me in the way that she was capable.

Same is true for my uBPDsis.

There are times I think my sis doesn't love me.  I think she is just split off and compartmentalized those feelings while she has me split black. They are there, just not accessible to her at that moment.

But aren't we all just as capable of love as our own understanding and mind is developed enough to love?  I think they way we all feel and express love is varied among "non's" as well.

[Flintridge]

First of all, Happy Birthday and Congratulations! Sounds like you have some amazing things going on in your life to be excited about. I definitely feel your pain, yes, it's very painful to not be properly acknowledged on your birthday by your own mother. They're just so focused on themselves that they aren't able to see what's going on outside themselves and how they may be hurting others.

My mom refused to come to my birthday last year because my stepmom would be present. She then sent me a really nasty email and at the end of it said Happy Birthday, I love you so much! It was like Jekyll and Hyde in the same email.

I know it's difficult but I think you have to focus on the wonderful people who are in your life and are choosing to celebrate this special day with you. When you focus on all the good, the bad doesn't seem so bad anymore.

[Sarah girl]

First of all, Happy Birthday and Congratulations! Sounds like you have some amazing things going on in your life to be excited about. I definitely feel your pain, yes, it's very painful to not be properly acknowledged on your birthday by your own mother. They're just so focused on themselves that they aren't able to see what's going on outside themselves and how they may be hurting others.

I second that! You seem like you are on a wonderful path that will lead to even better things!

I totally agree that BPD parents are just too self-absorbed to empathize. My mom is BPD and has caused lots of harm under the justification that she's the victim. I don't think she will ever come out of her obliviousness because she feels no ownership when it comes to her reactive nature. She missed my daughter's birthday two years in a row because she was angry with her (my daughter is 8 years old and feels hurt and confused by the whole thing). I came to a point where I just made birthday plans regardless of whether or not they suited her. In many joyful events, she has kind of become the looming dark cloud in the distance  :'( But I'm trying to learn to live with that. At least she's no longer a raging storm above my head.

You are probably better off celebrating your birthday without all that mom drama. Enjoy the freedom thoroughly. I understand your sense of loss. Until I found this site, I thought I was the only person goiong through this kind of issue with a family member. Just knowing that I'm not alone has helped tremendously. I hope you find comfort in the knowledge that you are not going through this alone. Thanks for sharing