How to manage uBPD MIL and non-uBPD FIL

[pulauti]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering what people suggest to do given my situation.

my MIL has uBPD ("witch" personality type).

my MIL has frequent "episodes" of rage, where she unleashes hate and cruelty by email to me, my wife, and possibly to my own immediate family. (she has harassed my family in the past by email. I don't ask if they get emails from her and they don't tell me either).

Even when she doesn't have episodes she is an unpleasant person, although she tries in her own way to be helpful, and sadly she often means well.

My wife hates her mother, having suffered verbal abuse growing up with her. But she loves her father (MIL and FIL are still married). And she wants our 2 young kids to have a good relationship with her father. He's a kind man and he loves his grandkids.

FIL is an extremely important person to my wife. i believe partially because all those years growing up with such a difficult and abusive mother, her father was a source of calm, trust and stability.  And i think he actually did most of the parenting.

However FIL has proven over and over again his commitment to his wife (MIL) despite her very horrible and abusive behavior. She bosses him around, he is scared of her and does not stand up to her. I believe that his passiveness enables her

behavior.

MIL and FIL live in another city, thank goodness. They do visit though, and when they do its like walking on egg shells with MIL because if you say the wrong thing she will explode. like a tinderbox. Since MIL has ruined just about every relationship she has, they are very bored and they would love to visit as much as possible.

She recently had a particularly nasty episode which involved sending emails (from FIL's email account that she logs into secretly because my wife and I block her email account). The emails are so threatening and hateful that if I really wanted to I could probably try and get a restraining order on her. Like other episodes, it lasts a few days and then ends with some sort of reconciliation or truce email. We ignore all the emails.

The emails were a result of a fight over the phone between my wife and her mother.

My wife and I agree that there is no place in our lives for her mother and her behavior.

One concern is for my kids (when they are bit older) having a relationship with her. MIL's behavior also has an effect on our marriage, since my wife and I argue about it, etc.

I can also often tell when my wife is in a fight with MIL as her general behavior changes.

Really, MIL should visit at the very most every few months for a few days at a time, and have very limited contact otherwise with my wife. another option of course is NC.

The only reason she is part of our lives is for FIL's sake, as he is important to my wife. Her parents have a very close marriage.

FIL is stuck in the middle, by his own doing, since he cannot stand up to his wife. I am sure she verbally abuses him also.

He enables her by doing nothing. I increasingly hold a lot of resentment to him for essentially permitting his wife to harass my family.

The whole situation is sad. No one wins.

I can't tell my wife to cut her father out too... .but i feel like she must make a decision at some point. Otherwise it is just a never-ending cycle of episodes of rage.

If her parents were divorced my wife and her mother have such a poor relationship as it is they would probably hardly ever speak in any case. Although my wife barely speaks with her mother, she will speak to her father very often.

And by speaking with her father she indirectly speaks with her mother (since her mother spies on the phone calls, checks his emails, bullies him into telling her what they spoke about, etc).

Is it even possible to limit contact with MIL but have my wife have a normal relationship with her father? I also won't police my wife and monitor her phone calls, emails, skype, etc.

Thanks!

[Charlie3236]

Hi pulauti, and I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. I cannot even begin to tell you what is right for your family, but I can say that it sounds like a LOT of drama! Which isn't healthy for anyone. You're right, nobody wins and unfortunately there is no good answer when it comes to severe mental illness.

I can say what has worked the best for me and my family is to take care of ourselves first. And we BOTH had to commit to that. Meaning that if we are fighting about my BPDsis (which really, does it ever help or solve anything anyway?), then we are too close to her drama and need to back off. And too bad if she doesn't like it, it doesn't matter bc she doesn't like anything.

I hope things will get better for you and the answers will become clearer. In my experience BPDs have an uncanny ability to tear relationships apart, so guard your hearts and your marriage. Good luck & God bless!

[pulauti]

Thanks Charlie. You are right, there is a ton of unnecessary drama, and MIL has an uncanny way of tearing people apart.

We seem to be stuck in a never-ending cycle of episode of rage, followed by a period of limited contact until the next episode hits.

My wife is stuck between her father and mother, it's a tough spot. And MIL makes her feel very guilty that we are distant from her which does not help. My ultimate concern is that I don't want my children to ever be exposed to her venom.

[Oregon Trail]

Hi puluati - I actually just joined this board today, and came across your post... I can tell you that I'm very familiar with your wife's position, and I know how difficult it's been for my husband. He's continually steamrolled by my BPD mother and his thoughts count for nothing - if he asserts them or defends himself from attack, it only sets her off or makes matters worse. My father, too, was a gentle person, an appeaser and "peacemaker," but has passed away. Now my mother has no one but me, and the cycle continues (I keep coping with her nonsense because she'd be utterly alone otherwise; but that's my own issue). Anyway, you have my sympathy! My question: is your wife a member of this board?

[Panda39]

Hi Pulauti,

Welcome to the BPD Family   

I'm sorry you and your wife are struggling so much with her parents and their behaviors. It isn't easy having someone with BPD in your life everyone here gets it.

My homebase it the "Coparenting Board" but your post resonated with me too.  We on the co-parenting board are often in conflict with the pwBPD for the hearts and minds of the kids.  You and your wife are struggling for the heart and mind of her dad.

You have set a good boundary by blocking your MIL's emails.  Boundaries are a very important tool when you have someone with BPD in your life. Can you think of other situations where you and your wife could use additional boundaries when dealing with her mom's issues?  If your MIL rages on the phone for example could your wife say something like "I don't deserve to be yelled can you calm down, if not I will hang up the phone." and if she doesn't calm down then do it... .hang up.

Could you and your wife create a boundary about how frequent mom and dad's visits are for example or the duration of those visits?  Maybe around behaviors that are acceptable in your house.

Some food for thought.  Below are a couple of links for more information on boundaries that I hope are helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Also please check out the Lessons Links in the box to the right -------------------------------------->

You might also want to refer your wife here too if you are comfortable with that.  My SO and I are both members and it has really helped us to be on the same page and speak the same language when it comes to his uBPDxw.

Again Welcome 

Take Care,

Panda39

[Notwendy]

Your wife's story could be my story. My kids are a bit older than yours. I had a similar relationship with my mother although she calmed down around the grandkids so it wasn't as much an issue. My kids adored my father, but just like your FIL, he was all about my mother, much like your FIL is.

When the kids were little, I didn't leave them with my mother unsupervised. Like your in laws, they didn't live too close so the time together was on visits. She did hold it together in that situation. As they got to be older though, she became more manipulative with them. Once they were old enough to be enlisted as "caretakers" ( about the same age that I was- pre-teen) mom would act helpless and get them to do things for her. Once she needed something to be done in the kitchen, and the kids were busy. I offered to do it, and she snapped- " no I want grandkid to do this" . This is when I saw that it was not about needing something done, but needing the kids to be in the caretaker role with her that I became concerned.  Also, since the kids didn't need supervision as much, I wasn't watching them all the time. What I saw my mother do was entice one of them to go off with her alone, then she would ask them all kinds of nosy questions. I was not concerned about serious abuse, but the kids were too soft hearted to stand up to her. I was also concerned about triangulation, as she would take one of them off to "tell them a secret" about another family member. She began to treat them as peers, not children.


This is when I decided to discuss her diagnosis with them, speak to them about boundaries. The kids also set up the boundary to not be alone with her. It felt like a betrayal to tell them something negative about my parents, but I was determined to be truthful and not pass on family dysfunction.

My kids are not bonded to her, but they were to my father. He adored them, and it was mutual. I felt much like your wife did, about my father and so did my kids. He died a while back, and that was traumatic for me. I am glad that my kids have fond memories of him too.

The kids were not adversely affected by my mother as we had strong boundaries in place about that.