New, scared, feeling depressed; Affair with BPD / NPD who threatens me / stalks

[lifewithelias]

Hi, 

I don't even know what to say first. I'm just going to start writing and fill in the blanks later.  I am having an affair and am terrified now.

For months now, I have been trying to extract myself from this insane roller coaster that is my relationship with this BPD man (not diagnosed BPD yet, therapist upon first meeting him suggested NPD, but I know he fits into the BPD category completely);

Some background: I have been married for nearly 15 years. E. (BPDbf) found me on FB and pursued me hard. I told him upfront, I was married, had kids, etc. that a relationship was impossible.  He told me I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, how his life would be so different if he had someone like me, how much he wished he could be with me. I fell for it. I told him we could be friends, was very platonic at first... .yeah, that didn't last.  I fell for his "lines" hard.  We kept in contact via Skype, abuse started within a few months, apologies the next day, etc. Same story as all the others. 

Obviously there are issues in my marriage - my spouse and I have known each other since we were 15 (I'm now 37) and I feel like, at this point, we are like brother and sister. We get along great, are best friends, but I feel absolutely no romantic feelings toward him.  There is very definitely a hole in my marriage, but I am happy in every other way, no money problems, kids are doing great, etc., so I've stayed. My husband loves me very much, is attracted to me, the feeling is just not mutual.  I've tried, we've been to counseling, but just... .nothing.  I wish things were different, haven't left because of the kids.  I also have a small business that I wouldn't have without my husband's help.  For that, I feel extreme guilt.  I have tried SO hard to change my feelings toward him, but I just can't.  There is some background there too, that isn't really relevant to the story - bottom line, I cannot feel romantic at all toward my husband. He is just a great friend / brother to me.

Anyways, this BPD man (E.) moved across country to be here, close to me. I tried to convince him not to (he has never lived anywhere other than where he's from) but he would not take NO for an answer. He did it. I helped.  Helped him find a place, helped him move his things in, found him furniture, etc.

He abused me the entire time, but I kept forgiving him. He has been here for 7 months and it has steadily gone downhill.  He wants me with him every second of the day.  I am a small business owner, a mother, etc, but none of that matters to him.  "He should come first!"  Doesn't want me to have any friends, gets pissed if I do ANYthing other than come over to his place, etc.

He verbally abuses me constantly (I have been called every horrible name you can think of) when he gets angry and has physically abused me a few times - leaving bruises and has pushed me across the room into some furniture.  He also has been very forceful sexually.  Always he has apologized, crying, saying I'm the only one he could ever be with, the only one he's ever loved, etc. You know the drill.

The last fight we had was on Sunday night - He said "Its over, f-you, go kill yourself, etc." and he threatened to tell my husband everything... .threatened to "end me" and "ruin me" since I've ruined his life by "making him move here", etc. He does have pics of me, but none of us together and no intimate photos.  He probably has plenty of "evidence" to bring to my husband, but the first time he made that threat, I started collecting on him.  I have video of him "transitioning" from normal to "his dark side" and he knows that - he acts like he's invincible, but I do think he worries about that getting out.

He's made these threats "to end me" before. Never followed through and always defended himself by saying, "I may have threatened it, but did I do it? No!" I know that's a bunch of bulls*t, but I am afraid of him. 

He has not unfriended me on FB and he has not changed his relationship status.  He is on messenger all the time, probably chatting with a new replacement or 3.   I have no illusions about who he is.  He has presented me with his "true self" multiple times and I have asked myself why the f*ck I am still even talking to him?

I am an educated, level-headed, kind and sincere person.  I never asked for any of this, but I am so scared of him.  I do feel sadness and remorse - feel guilty that he moved down here (even though I tried to dissuade him).  Part of me is also sad that this wasn't true love, and I do miss those feelings of exhilaration and excitement. 

On the other hand, I know that a reasonable, happy relationship is not possible.  I have two children and a husband that think the world of me.  Nobody knows the situation I have gotten myself into.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I just feel like I'm going crazy.   I don't know where I go from here.  I don't even know what I'm looking for... .validation in feeling what i feel?  Knowing I'm not alone? I can't tell you how happy I am that I found this board.  Thanks in advance for any replies.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

He abused me the entire time, but I kept forgiving him. He has been here for 7 months and it has steadily gone downhill.  He wants me with him every second of the day.  I am a small business owner, a mother, etc, but none of that matters to him.  "He should come first!"  Doesn't want me to have any friends, gets pissed if I do ANYthing other than come over to his place, etc.

He verbally abuses me constantly (I have been called every horrible name you can think of) when he gets angry and has physically abused me a few times - leaving bruises and has pushed me across the room into some furniture.  He also has been very forceful sexually.  Always he has apologized, crying, saying I'm the only one he could ever be with, the only one he's ever loved, etc. You know the drill.

He's made these threats "to end me" before. Never followed through and always defended himself by saying, "I may have threatened it, but did I do it? No!" I know that's a bunch of bulls*t, but I am afraid of him. 

Hello lifewithelias,



What I quoted in the second paragraph above does sound BPD. NPD is possible as well. Labels and diagnoses aside, what concerns me most is that he's physically and sexually assaulted you, and that you don't sound safe right now. The threats of exposure certainly add so much more anxiety.

Your last fight was the night before last. What's the contact situation been since then? Is anyone else in your life aware of what s been going on, a trusted girlfried, perhaps?

Intentionally or not, abusers rely on the abuse staying hidden. Due to your family, this is been more of a concern. Please take a look at this discussion which may help you:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Your feelings about missing the intensity are often natural in a BPD relationship. We can help you process through that later, but my primary concern is your immediate safety. Take a look at this, a plan can help:

Safety First

What's the immediate threat here, that he may escalate if you don't see him every day?

Turkish

[formflier]

I'm glad you have found us.  You have a lot to sort through.

Please read the lessons (look to right of the screen) and post questions about what you read there.

Does your husband know about the affair?

Are you in MC right now with your husband?  Are you in T at the moment?  MC= marriage counseling  T=therapist.

You have found a safe place... .we can help.

FF

[lifewithelias]

After 2.5 days of NC after a stupid fight, he contacted me this morning threatening to "end me" and saying that he couldn't wait to "watch me crawl". He told me he knew where my husband worked and that he would make sure my life was over. He wanted me to lose my kids, my business, everything.  He kept saying, "Just wait until you see what's coming... .watch out for the pics I post on FB"

He also said that he wanted all the money that he spent / lost moving down here (which he claims is $10k).  He was going to "make sure I pay".  He told me his therapist thinks I'm a liar and has sided with him, which I don't completely believe, but whatever.

I managed to talk him down off his threats by telling him I loved him, that I would do anything.  After calling me every name in the book and telling me to f*ck off over and over again, he finally believed me.  It's like, as soon as he sees me in person, all his threats go out the window.  That's the way it always is.  I don't want this anymore. I'm so alone, and scared. I am feeling so trapped. I have made the biggest mistake of my life.  I either have to stay with this insane guy or lose everything.  I wish I never met him.

I don't know what to do.  I am so depressed and afraid.

[formflier]

 

Does your husband know what is going on?

Who in your life knows about this?

FF

[formflier]

I managed to talk him down off his threats by telling him I loved him, that I would do anything.  

Not good to hand control of your life over to someone with BPD traits... .regardless of affair or status of relationship.

If he contacts you again... .can you wait before responding... .we need to educate you very quickly on your options while at the same time "slowing down" the drama that is going on in your life.

Do you have a therapist you can reach out to?

A pastor?

Somebody local that you trust completely to talk through options. 

We are a great resource but not a substitute for a live, in person support system.  You need us and them too.

FF

[lifewithelias]

I thought I replied to the thread, but I think I sent a Private Message instead, FF

[lifewithelias]

Here was my reply to FF:

Nobody knows. sad I'm too afraid to tell anyone.

Please believe I am not the type to do this kind of thing. I have NEVER even thought of cheating on my husband before this.  E. came on so strong and I put him off for months. Told him "nothing could ever come of this, I was married, had kids... ." I should've ended all contact way back then.  I'm so stupid for getting myself and my family into this situation.   

Even though I am not *in-love* with my husband, I would rather die than hurt him. He is such a good person, he doesn't deserve this.  My kids don't deserve this either.  I am a mess.  I am so afraid to tell my husband... He will be heartbroken. 

I feel like such a terrible person. I am sick to death over this.  I have nobody I can tell.

[Turkish]

Going after money from you sounds like an empty threat. That's not the immediate concern, though. He's desperate, lashing out, trying to hit as many targets as possible to keep you off balance, and also keep you attached.

Due to his threats of exposure, I see why you said what you did, even if you may not have meant it. It's one of the ways abusers use power for control (see the DV thread I first posted). If this were just you, it would be hard enough, but he's threatening to ruin your life. He may not be able to do all that he says, but he can certainly cause a huge mess.

Regarding the lessons to the right of the board, the communication and validation tools (in Lesson 3) may help to reduce conflict when you talk. There is also a saying here, "don't JADE" (see here for a discussion on what this means). It's easy to rise to his bait, especially when he is making so many threats.

This other man is a threat not only to you, but to your whole family. It may be good to be proactive here, rather than waiting for the disordered person to stay in control by blackmailing you, basically. However, it would be good to discuss this with a professional who can help. A counselor on a local hotline, or better yet, a therapist (where you would be protected by the rules of confidentiality). The hot-line can probably refer you to a local T who is experienced in helping clients who are being threatened.

[formflier]

 

Lifewithelias,

This is a tough situation... .but you have taken a step and reached out to people on this board.  

You've told me... .that's a start.  

You need to be wise in sorting through who else to tell.  No need to rush... .but once you have decided... .no need to delay.

We need to slow this thing down for you  You will hear that from me and others... probably again and again.

This may seem like I and others are taking an inventory... .and we are... .we want to guide you the best way possible.

Questions:

1.  :)o you attend church or have a religious affiliation?  (We don't want to advise you to go against your values and beliefs)

2.  Have you ever been to therapy before?  :)o you know a therapist that you trust?

3.  Security:  Think about how you are getting on this website and how you are searching for information you need.  Tell us about your computer security and passwords.  What browser you use... .etc etc

4. What do you want to happen in this situation?  How do you see this resolving?

 

FF

[Conundrum]

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, though seriously difficult problems require seriously difficult solutions.

Remedying your situation will require suffering. As all suffering is caused by desire. Consequently, your desire and the concomitant disconnect from your rightful spouse led you down this dark path.

The true answer can be found via walking once again towards the light. Additionally, you will eventually feel so much better to not have to carry the weight of the world upon your shoulders.

Though painful, you must disclose the affair towards your husband asap regardless of the fallout. Both your spouse and children are in jeopardy due to your volitional actions. They (as well as you) deserve full-disclosure and protection from this unsavory threat.

This will allow both you and your husband to develop a mutual strategy in dealing with this present threat. It may very well also assist with his healing process, if he chooses to stay in the marriage. It's always better for the marriage to disclose instead of being found out. The bully knows your weak spots and thus is manipulating with brute force and threats.

Your legal remedies include seeking a temporary restraining order, and following that up with a full restraining order. I would also advise scheduling an appointment with the harassment/stalking division at your local police precinct. Restraining orders carry teeth and are effective.

Have you vetted this person's potential criminal history? If he is middle-aged, it is rare that there will be no similar prior incidents with others.

Finally, the disconnect you describe with your husband is the proximate cause for your acting out. To fatalistically define that inability to feel tingles for your husband as unworkable--99% of the time is the sine qua non of deeply rooted intimacy issues stemming from childhood. There is an internal block that can only be unlocked via mal-adaptive behavior (such as an affair). Do you want to live that way for the rest of your life or heal and be able to enjoy a sexual life with your husband. If you can re-learn (or learn for the first time) to kiss each other with passion then a road will open up before you. It takes bravery and exploring the proximate causes which brought you to this bottle-neck. I apologize if this sounds trite or presumptive--though there is nothing sadder than a good marriage doomed by eminently fixable issues.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you are able to extract this malevolent person from your life swiftly. As all things change--there will be better times once you commit to the difficult remedial choices. The path back is via integrity.       

[eeks]

Here was my reply to FF:

Nobody knows. sad I'm too afraid to tell anyone.

Please believe I am not the type to do this kind of thing. I have NEVER even thought of cheating on my husband before this.  E. came on so strong and I put him off for months. Told him "nothing could ever come of this, I was married, had kids... ." I should've ended all contact way back then.  I'm so stupid for getting myself and my family into this situation.   

Even though I am not *in-love* with my husband, I would rather die than hurt him. He is such a good person, he doesn't deserve this.  My kids don't deserve this either.  I am a mess.  I am so afraid to tell my husband... He will be heartbroken. 

I feel like such a terrible person. I am sick to death over this.  I have nobody I can tell.

Hi lifewithelias,



You, like anyone else, were doing the best you knew how at the time to meet complex emotional needs, and you now feel you've made a mistake.  You feel regret and pain over these decisions, and your actions may indeed have caused harm to yourself and others.  However, that doesn't make you a terrible person.  Blaming yourself is not helpful right now.  Getting support and having a plan to deal with the immediate situation, is.

Please continue to post here for support.  Hopefully we can help you feel less alone.   I would also like to echo those who have suggested you use mental health or domestic violence counselling services in your area, either by phone or in person.  You can ask them about their rules for confidentiality and the purposes for which they will use any personal information you provide them, and a reputable service or counsellor will be happy to answer your questions.  

eeks

[lifewithelias]

Thank you so much for both of your replies. I can't say thank you enough for just listening.

I am going to go through all those resources and read everything you posted.  As for answers to your questions... .

Questions:

1.  Do you attend church or have a religious affiliation?  (We don't want to advise you to go against your values and beliefs) 

Not really. We used to go to church a loong time ago.

2.  Have you ever been to therapy before?  Do you know a therapist that you trust? 

No never been to therapy, but feel like I really need it now.  Am definitely looking into that.

3.  Security:  Think about how you are getting on this website and how you are searching for information you need.  Tell us about your computer security and passwords.  What browser you use... .etc etc

Private windows on safari and google; I have a laptop that goes everywhere with me.  Nobody uses it but me.

4. What do you want to happen in this situation?  How do you see this resolving?

I want it to resolve peacefully - I want him to go back where he came from. I don't want to ever see or hear from him again. I wish he would just find a new target. 

I really don't see this happening though - now when he gets angry, no matter who's fault it is, he expects me to come crawling back to him, no matter what's he's said to me or what names he's called me.  He threatens to ruin me every single time.   He is much older than me and feels that "we are soulmates".  He has always said that if we aren't together he sees this part of his life as a "complete failure" and would not be able to move back home.  Basically, with his logic, I am either with him or I will be ruined.

Thanks again.  Am going to read through everything again. 

[formflier]

 

I'm a big fan of Chrome browser and using incognito mode.

cntrl shift n will get you into that.

close the window and all traces are gone.

The other thing you mentioned may or may not be ok.  I'm not familiar.

OK... .big question for you.

Are you ready to let the affair go?

Again... .no judgment here... .we are here to support you!  To advise you how to proceed with dealing with someone that displays traits of BPD. 

I understand that you said wanted him to go away... .I saw that... .and I think I know your answer... .but I try really hard to stay away from assumptions... .

Clarity is good in situations like this.

What are you doing for self care?  Do you take walks? 

Please make sure that you are eating well... .take a nice walk... .breath deeply.  Try to get a good nights sleep.

We need you to be able to think as clearly as possible.

FF

[babyducks]

Hi lifewithelias,

I wanted to join with the others in welcoming you.

I think your choice of words is particularly apt.  He has chosen a target.  In his disordered state, and I agree with Turkish which mental illness isn't as significant as his actions, he has proven himself to be untrustworthy.   Resolving this peacefully is a good goal.   To do that will require some careful planning, like has been mentioned further up this thread.   It's important to get your ducks in a row.   (that is a pun on my user name)   I see that Turkish gave you the links to Safety and Domestic Violence against women.   In those links you might have noticed the fact that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when an exit is about to happen.   Finding support from people who have experience in this field is vital.  As eeks mentioned it is possible to call the hotlines anonymously.  Perhaps you can think about making that call.   I can tell you the people who staff those lines are sensitive, caring, and dedicated.

I really don't see this happening though - now when he gets angry, no matter who's fault it is, he expects me to come crawling back to him, no matter what's he's said to me or what names he's called me.  He threatens to ruin me every single time.   He is much older than me and feels that "we are soulmates".  He has always said that if we aren't together he sees this part of his life as a "complete failure" and would not be able to move back home.  Basically, with his logic, I am either with him or I will be ruined.

His 'logic' is contorted and his perceptions of reality are distorted by his serious mental illness.   You can slowly and carefully make changes to get what you want and need.  The operative words right now are slow and careful.   

Hang in there.   

'ducks

[lifewithelias]

Thank you all so much for all your welcomes and your generous responses. I am reading everything you all have posted several times over.

FF, you are right - I do need to get some sleep - haven't slept well in many days. Maybe once I can do that, I can get a plan in order.  I am having trouble eating, but am keeping up with the exercise - it is definitely great for reducing stress.

I do know that I have to tell my husband. I know this. I just don't know how.  My husband does love me and he's such a good person, I hate that I have to hurt him. Truthfully, we had discussed separating long before I met E. but just haven't, because everything else in our life is right.  House, kids, jobs - when I figured out I was unhappy in my marriage, I found outside things to make me happy - my business, friends, hobbies, etc.  All I was missing was being "in-love" and I thought I could live with that.  We see both of our families all the time, go on trips with them, etc.  Everyone would be totally SHOCKED if they found out what I've done. SHOCKED is an understatement actually.

I am going to read my thread over and over and try to come up with a solid plan.  I know I am E.'s target and now he knows exactly how to control me.  He is starting medication that his therapist gave him tonight - I am hoping this will level him out?  I don't know. I just wish he would get bored with me and move on.  I know that he is untrustworthy and I feel like right now, everything I am saying and doing is just to keep him quiet and sated.  If I could go back and re-do this all over again, I would NEVER have let him into my life.  Not for everything in the world.  

I just can't thank you all enough. I am so happy I found this board. It feels so good to not be all alone. Even though I haven't confided to anyone in person, at least I did here. It is such a relief to finally say it to people.

[Cole]

Telling your husband will not be easy for either of you. My wife had an affair a long time ago. I forgave her long before she ever forgave herself.

But this will clear the way for the next thing to consider. If you even remotely feel this guy poses any danger to you or your family, if he makes any threats or stalks you, you need to get the police involved. As a former police officer, I can tell you I dealt with plenty of people who sound a lot like this guy. Please be careful and my prayers are with you. 

[lifewithelias]

Telling your husband will not be easy for either of you. My wife had an affair a long time ago. I forgave her long before she ever forgave herself.

But this will clear the way for the next thing to consider. If you even remotely feel this guy poses any danger to you or your family, if he makes any threats or stalks you, you need to get the police involved. As a former police officer, I can tell you I dealt with plenty of people who sound a lot like this guy. Please be careful and my prayers are with you. 

Thank you so much for telling me that about your wife, Cole.  I hope my husband can forgive me also.

[formflier]

  I hope my husband can forgive me also.

From how you described him... .I would say he can.

Please get some sleep... .do some looking for a therapist or counselor.  Possibly a marriage counselor.

It seems you understand that you know you need to tell your husband. 

He needs to be involved in protecting your family. 

Please think about a few things before telling him.  I'm hoping you can quickly find a counselor to help you work thought this.

1.  Are you willing to work to regain your husbands trust?  This is very different than saying you will "do anything".  A counselor can help guide you and then him on an appropriate way to rebuild trust.

2.  Are you willing to give him some space?  Please understand that you have been processing this for a while... .his emotions will go all over the place.

FF

[lifewithelias]

  I hope my husband can forgive me also.

From how you described him... .I would say he can.

Please get some sleep... .do some looking for a therapist or counselor.  Possibly a marriage counselor.

It seems you understand that you know you need to tell your husband. 

He needs to be involved in protecting your family. 

Please think about a few things before telling him.  I'm hoping you can quickly find a counselor to help you work thought this.

1.  Are you willing to work to regain your husbands trust?  This is very different than saying you will "do anything".  A counselor can help guide you and then him on an appropriate way to rebuild trust.

2.  Are you willing to give him some space?  Please understand that you have been processing this for a while... .his emotions will go all over the place.

FF

Thank you so much FF. I am definitely willing to work to regain his trust. I know it will be so hard for him to process this. For goodness sake, I am having trouble processing it... .Can't imagine what he will think.

Again, many, many thanks 

[KateCat]

Greetings, lifewithelias.

You are by no means the first person contending with a distressing situation like this to join this forum. (And I've got to imagine that many more have been "read only" participants, reluctant to take that big step of posting.) Heck, they make Hollywood movies about this type of nightmare, so it must not be all that uncommon.

One detail you mentioned struck me. It seems that your affair/stalker fellow is in therapy and has begun medication.

I suppose it would be too much to hope for that you might know who his therapist is and have a way to get a private message to the therapist, regarding his threatening behaviors and general instability. Privacy rules wouldn't allow you to speak directly with his therapist of course, but it is often possible for therapists to receive and read messages without violating confidentiality, or so I've heard. (I guess what I'm wondering is whether there is a way to toss this hot potato to a qualified professional, who may then assess him for "danger to self or others."

Such good counsel you've received here already. (And how apt that a former law enforcement professional has weighed in. I'm thinking that local police officials know this type of guy like the back of their hand. They may have very specific techniques to get people like this to back away from abusive behaviors. Or they may have the databases needed to determine if he's a real, proven threat.)

It sounds as though you are getting your thoughts organized pretty quickly. You've got a lot of good things in your life to preserve and protect.

I'm sorry that you have to confront this terrible situation. But glad you are posting here.

Oh . . . and one other thing: If the shoe were on the other foot, and if your husband were being threatened by a crazy lover, would you want to know sooner rather than later?

I guess I don't see a way around getting this unpleasant duty accomplished pretty darn soon. 

[formflier]

 

With lots of info... .sometimes it's better to break it down to checklist form.

1.  Talk to DV people/hotline/possibly lawyer.  Goal:  Have confidential conversation with a caring person that can point you to how to protect yourself.  My .02 cents, find a local lawyer for advice  When you slam the door shut on this guy, you want you and your family to be legally protected. 

2.  Counselor/T/MC:  This forum is great but there is no substitute for sitting in a room with someone.  They can guide you on breaking the news.

3.  Is there family close by for childcare.  Can they be dropped off at someones house for a long weekend or something like that?  You and hubby may need time to talk and process.  After the stalker gets door slammed shut on him, you may not want kids around house for few days.  You guys as well might want to be somewhere else.

Our thoughts are with you!   

FF

[KateCat]

With lots of info... .sometimes it's better to break it down to checklist form.

1.  Talk to DV people/hotline/possibly lawyer.  Goal:  Have confidential conversation with a caring person that can point you to how to protect yourself.  My .02 cents, find a local lawyer for advice  When you slam the door shut on this guy, you want you and your family to be legally protected. 

This sounds like such a sensible plan.

It forces you to do all the hardest stuff first, but it changes the game fast. Either the guy will "melt away" and slink back to his home state quickly, or he will attempt to retaliate, but you and your family will be as ready as possible.

[lifewithelias]

Wow, this is all so helpful. I am so grateful for each and every one of your posts.  I finally got some sleep last night and am ready to start making my plan. 

I can find out fairly easily who his therapist is.  He's told me her name before, I've just forgotten it. She is very experienced in dealing with NPD and told him she suspected that straight away.  He told me that he told her about the threats, but of course, who knows if that is the truth.  He always says he would "never really go through with it" (which I'm sure is what he said to her) but I have seen his anger in full force, and I know for a fact he would do it.  I don't know if she would read my messages to her about him, but she has told him that he is welcome to bring me to therapy with him anytime he would like, so she may be open to it.

Today, I have been looking for a counselor / therapist to talk to - Like you are all saying, I need someone to help me sort out my feelings and develop a plan for "escape" and protection. 

Again, I appreciate all the posts more than I can say. I am reading them over and over again and making notes.  I just can't say thank you enough. I'm so glad I found this board.  You are all so kind and I appreciate the support and lack of judgement.