PTSD memory issues

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So I feel very emotional atm.

I was talking to an old friend who PM me via FB.  He remembers things I don't.  I hate when this happens.  I feel so broken.  People on FB think I'm avoiding them, or giving them the cold shoulder and such.  They have memories that... .rather than sharing with them and adding to them... .I am freaked out in surprise.

Some people describe events and I cannot tell if the person is lying... .or did I loose time?

This is terribly upsetting.

I have not delt with this in years... .as well... .I cannot remember and no one is around to tell me so... .without anyone recalling the past to me... .I have no issue not knowing what I dont know.

People remember being my friend... .yet I am clueless?

In work... .I don't have this issue as there is always a paper trail of what I do to help me recall.

This is likely why I shy away at some social gatherings.  I cannot keep the pace of some conversations as people remember events and things I have said, yet I cannot remember what I have shared.

Maybe I need to keep a journal online or somethings.

Maybe I need a EMDR T?

But my current one seems to think rehashing PTSD may be more counterintuitive... .as I am mostly "normal."  Except that I "think" I am not.

*sigh*

I need a hug pls!

[Sunfl0wer]

So I feel very emotional atm.

I was talking to an old friend who PM me via FB.  He remembers things I don't.  I hate when this happens.  I feel so broken.  People on FB think I'm avoiding them, or giving them the cold shoulder and such.  They have memories that... .rather than sharing with them and adding to them... .I am freaked out in surprise.

Some people describe events and I cannot tell if the person is lying... .or did I loose time?

This is terribly upsetting.

I have not delt with this in years... .as well... .I cannot remember and no one is around to tell me so... .without anyone recalling the past to me... .I have no issue not knowing what I dont know.

People remember being my friend... .yet I am clueless?

In work... .I don't have this issue as there is always a paper trail of what I do to help me recall.

This is likely why I shy away at some social gatherings.  I cannot keep the pace of some conversations as people remember events and things I have said, yet I cannot remember what I have shared.

Maybe I need to keep a journal online or somethings.

Maybe I need a EMDR T?

But my current one seems to think rehashing PTSD may be more counterintuitive... .as I am mostly "normal."  Except that I "think" I am not.

*sigh*

I need a hug pls!

[Sunfl0wer]

This is scarey!  I wish someone could help me now.   Like be here in person!

I guess I will come up with a plan and just state it: 

I am going to go brush my teeth, set the alarm, take my antibiotic, put my hair in a pony so it doesn't wrap my neck in my sleep, fix the bed sheets, spray them with lavendar put on a meditative youtube to sleep to.

I will practice mindfulness and feel, smell, taste what is happening etc.

I will reread the above if I get stuck.

Thanks guys!

[Sunfl0wer]

Ok... .I will get to that list.

Just have to get one thing off my chest.

It is really freaky to reconnect with an old friend... .

To find out you are not reconnecting for the first time in 35yrs, but seen him and chatted with him for months 20 years ago.  And well... .so apparently I realized he was falling for me back then... .so ended the communications.  (I don't recall any of it... .he tells me... .he has undeniable landmarks of locations he could nit otherwise). So when he says hi this time... .I think it is for the first time again... .I think... .how nice... .I haven't seen him since I was a kid.  But well... .we apparently have history that I am not aware of to consider.  I am not leading him on.  I thought I was being friendly.  I had NO idea he likes me.  I think of him in a brotherly way!  But oh gosh.  This is not the first time I forgot the social history I have with another... .this sucks a$$!

Ok... .NOW I'll relax.

Who seriously that doesn't "know" PTSD would not think I'm plain nuts?

[Charlie3236]

Hi Sunfl0wer! No I don't think you're "nuts." Memory loss can certainly be a side effect of ptsd, as well as other traumatic injury. Take it easy on yourself, and whether or not the memories come back, trust your instincts about people (men).

Also EMDR did wonders for me in my PTSD therapy!

[Kwamina]

Hi Sunfl0wer,

Here are some hugs as requested  

I can see why you find this so unsettling. Not having any memory of things others clearly remember, is difficult to handle.

You currently have a therapist. I do think it could be very beneficial to you if you (also) visited a therapist who specializes in PTSD and is confident he/she can help you work through your PTSD issues.

Practicing mindfulness is always a good strategy

I hope you are feeling a bit calmer today

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for your reply Charlie,

I slept awful.  Nightmares!  I cannot remember what they are about tho.  I won't try... .I don't want to.  All I know is my mind feels like I'm 12.  I still have this feeling.

I tried EMDR in the past.  But I cannot remember exactly why we didn't do it more than a day or two.  I have a feeling it was because I am generally not symptomatic with specific flashbacks.  I think she needed me actively symptomatic with the flashbacks for it to work.  I mostly feel fine.  I mostly can talk about the trauma without feeling heightened anxiety... .could that be accurate?

I think I remember a rating scale for the session.  Told to rate my anxiety... .then a guided meditation, some music?  Or a rhythm? Then guided to a "safe place", then asked to rerate the feelings?  Is this it?   Or am I mixing it up with the emotional freedom technique?

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for your reply Kwamina,

I feel like I want to run away and hide.  Well that is because I still feel 10% like I'm 12 again.  I don't have a specific flash back I can pinpoint... .I just feel like a small piece of me got emotionally regressed.  I know I am not regressed exactly... .it just feels that way.

I am going to have to consciously force myself to not run from the days responsibilities.  Self talk to my "inner child" to guide myself through my day on adulthood and what needs to get done.

I know doinf familiar things is alway good.  Body stuff too... .LIke I can go for a walk outside.

Thank you!  

[Kwamina]

I am going to have to consciously force myself to not run from the days responsibilities.  Self talk to my "inner child" to guide myself through my day on adulthood and what needs to get done.

I know doinf familiar things is alway good.  Body stuff too... .LIke I can go for a walk outside.

This sounds like a good plan to me!

To help you not feel like 12 anymore, some of Pete Walker's steps to manage emotional flashbacks might also be helpful:



4. Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.

... .

6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback]

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you soo much for reaffirming this!

I think I actually feel 30% 12yrs old and it is waxing/waning in the moments. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I guess I am minimizing things, the experience, the concept of if it is really a flashback or not... .then by the time I enter trauma treatment... .I am detached enough to be tricky to work on.

Man, if I get an EMDR T, I'll just open up my damn FB account.  As I just recalled another reason... .another friend last night tried to reach out. One I was avoiding and I didn't think would try to PM as she is not an accepted friend.  She must have paid the FB upgrade fee to get something to arrive in my inbox without being a friend!

*sigh*

Thanks again!