Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 01, 2024, 08:30:21 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Break up after a long try #2  (Read 407 times)
kc sunshine
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 1065


« on: October 21, 2015, 09:34:00 AM »

Hi BPD family,

My BPD ex and I just broke up after a long (for us) try at a relationship again. She broke up with me after I left to go visit my kids in another city. I totally understand why she did-- it triggers her jealousy and her fears about us not having a long term future because I'll probably eventually need to move closer to my kids or at least always travel a lot to see them. So it wasn't a viable relationship in the long term even though I think we both held on to hope for it and I don't blame her for breaking up.

Our breakup hasn't been too dramatic or awful (yet) because I was out of town when she did it. I'm back home now. I think that I need some time to adjust to the new situation so I've asked for us not to talk for a few days (or more). She said okay, but the problem is me-- I keep texting and/or checking texts. I'll try to stop that today, or at least put myself on a checking schedule. Ouch, this is all painful even though I know it is for the best.

Logged

kc sunshine
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 1065


« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2015, 10:17:45 AM »

Hi again,

If anyone has any words of support or advice, I'd appreciate them a lot.

:'(
Logged

FannyB
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 566



« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2015, 10:26:49 AM »

Hi KC


Withdrawing from an intense relationship is tough - even when you know it's for the best.  She's touched you very deeply and you can't simply switch off your feelings. Keeping busy is the key, as is posting on here and reminding yourself daily that a relationship with an emotionally unstable individual is not a viable path to long term happiness. 

Short term pain for long term gain for you buddy!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


Fanny

Logged
MSNYC
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 58


« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2015, 12:53:40 PM »

It is hard to not have those nagging thoughts, checking texts, etc. Personally I find going down the rabbit hole on this forum and reading others' experiences to be a really good "diversion" (okay, it's not technically a diversion because it ends up being more time I'm sitting thinking about this). It just absorbs some energy, reminds me I'm not alone, etc.

By the way, the fact that you say it was doomed from the beginning/never really going to work : sometimes I think BPD folks end up in relationships that are logistically or otherwise "doomed". There's something about both parties knowing it's not "permanent" on some level that I feel allows certain behaviors and patterns to be enabled or tolerated because "it's not like we're getting married anyway." Anyone agree? 
Logged
kc sunshine
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 1065


« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2015, 01:47:28 PM »

Thanks you guys for these wise words-- they help a lot!

Short term pain= long term gain-- I'll hold on to that! Also, good point about enabling or tolerating behaviors 'cause of a knowledge that it's not "permanent." Yup.

  Idea  
Logged

Lonely_Astro
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 703



« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2015, 08:13:46 PM »

It is hard to not have those nagging thoughts, checking texts, etc. Personally I find going down the rabbit hole on this forum and reading others' experiences to be a really good "diversion" (okay, it's not technically a diversion because it ends up being more time I'm sitting thinking about this). It just absorbs some energy, reminds me I'm not alone, etc.

By the way, the fact that you say it was doomed from the beginning/never really going to work : sometimes I think BPD folks end up in relationships that are logistically or otherwise "doomed". There's something about both parties knowing it's not "permanent" on some level that I feel allows certain behaviors and patterns to be enabled or tolerated because "it's not like we're getting married anyway." Anyone agree? 

I'll be point blank honest, I never expected mine to work out in the long run.  I had hoped that it would, yes.  But, in the deep recesses of my mind I knew that it wouldn't.  That didn't make my love for her any less, I just sort of looked at it from a standpoint of that I had a loved one with a terminal illness.  I planned to spend as much time with her as possible until the day came she left my life.  Then, I would grieve her loss and move forward.  I know that sounds like a douche thing, but I knew she would sabotage it at some point (or say that I did, even when her behavior led to it) and that's exactly what's happened.

Plus, also in the interest in candidness, we started our relationship up when we were both still married to other people.  Don't get me wrong, mine was on its edge and once I got separated and started the proceedings, I thought it would get better between my pwBPD and myself.  It didn't.  She kept claiming to be getting a divorce but when I would press about details she would get furious with me.  As recent as today (we still have contact, even though we've said our goodbyes, detaching is a process) she made the comment about her supposedly-soon-to-be-ex husband (who's she's been divorcing over a year now, according to her even though they have no kids, etc).  Having a moment of clarity from my infatuation with her made me realize how many red flags theres been in the past several months, though we've been "talking" to each other almost that entire year.

But, back on topic, we both needed someone at the time it all started again and it simply progressed from there.  There were times I thought it would work out, turns out it didn't.  Some might say that it was just a relationship that didn't work out, but that's not true.  I may catalogue how the past month has made everything fall apart, just to get it off my chest, but the end result is that our "relationship" is coming to a close.  I'm tired of the abuse and the lies.  Did I always think it was doomed from the beginning?  No.  I had hoped it would work, this time.  (Un)Fortunately, there won't be a third time.
Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2015, 08:35:11 PM »

Just be patient with yourself. As sure of your decisions as you can be. Thankful it's a fairly calm breakup that you have an understanding of. Things like checking/sending texts will change the longer you're out of the r/s.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!