Anyone else having trouble forgiving?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is my first post, but I don't even know where to begin in terms of a history... .I feel like I've told this story a thousand times and I'm exhausted.  Briefly:

Me: 25, male, struggled with codependency for as long as I can remember.  Currently in grad school getting my masters in clinical psych and working at an internship doing psychotherapy.

Her: 24, female, diagnosed BPD in college but is unsure whether she believes the diagnosis or not (she has valid reasons for this skepticism, but I still believe it to be true).  She's currently seeing a counselor who has not diagnosed her, but she intends to ask him at their session this week.

Us: Dating since Sept 2014, moved in together in July.  She fully expects to marry me, and we've talked about this in the past.  In August I came clean and told her that I was no longer 100% that we had that in our future.  As you can probably imagine, this ignited a powerful argument and anxiety that has lasted pretty much ever since.

Since June (just before we moved in together) have had arguments at least once a week since then (ranging from big, emotional arguments that go well into the night, to smaller, but fairly strong disagreements), though it usually seems to be closer to one argument every 3-4 days.  However, for the last week, she has been amazing; she's really taken ownership of her own feelings and accepted our disagreements without make me out to be a bad person or blaming me for some of her own "emptiness."  I've been extremely impressed.  She even came to me the other day and said that she thought she might have BPD (she is becoming aware of some of the dichotomized thinking, the intense emotional instability, the intense fears of abandonment, etc., etc.).  Things have been really great between us.

However, I'm still angry for much of the time.  I want to be away from her and I find myself wondering if I can ever really truly love her again after the trauma of the last 3-4 months.  My therapist says that I have been emotionally abused over and over again and that I am essentially recovering from a traumatic experience, but I'm concerned that we have reached a point from which we cannot recover.  It feels lousy for me to end the relationship now that she's doing so much better, but I just do not feel that same attachment to her like I used to.  I feel guilty for this, which I know is inappropriate, but I can't help feeling like I owe it to her somehow--she's doing everything she can and working so hard, so shouldn't I be able to get past this too?  I find myself almost wishing she would blow up at me again or hit me or something, just so that I could feel more justified in calling it off.  I know that's messed up, but that's where I am right now I guess.

This kind of got away from me.  I guess my question is this--has anyone felt like this?  Has anyone else had trouble forgiving their BPD SO for past behavior?  Were you able to in the end?  Were you able to move past it?  Or did you feel as though the relationship had been irreparably damaged to the point that it was simply not possible to move forward?

Thank you for reading this.  I sincerely appreciate it.

[reshi]

This is my first post, but I don't even know where to begin in terms of a history... .I feel like I've told this story a thousand times and I'm exhausted.  Briefly:

Me: 25, male, struggled with codependency for as long as I can remember.  Currently in grad school getting my masters in clinical psych and working at an internship doing psychotherapy.

Her: 24, female, diagnosed BPD in college but is unsure whether she believes the diagnosis or not (she has valid reasons for this skepticism, but I still believe it to be true).  She's currently seeing a counselor who has not diagnosed her, but she intends to ask him at their session this week.

Us: Dating since Sept 2014, moved in together in July.  She fully expects to marry me, and we've talked about this in the past.  In August I came clean and told her that I was no longer 100% that we had that in our future.  As you can probably imagine, this ignited a powerful argument and anxiety that has lasted pretty much ever since.

Since June (just before we moved in together) have had arguments at least once a week since then (ranging from big, emotional arguments that go well into the night, to smaller, but fairly strong disagreements), though it usually seems to be closer to one argument every 3-4 days.  However, for the last week, she has been amazing; she's really taken ownership of her own feelings and accepted our disagreements without make me out to be a bad person or blaming me for some of her own "emptiness."  I've been extremely impressed.  She even came to me the other day and said that she thought she might have BPD (she is becoming aware of some of the dichotomized thinking, the intense emotional instability, the intense fears of abandonment, etc., etc.).  Things have been really great between us.

However, I'm still angry for much of the time.  I want to be away from her and I find myself wondering if I can ever really truly love her again after the trauma of the last 3-4 months.  My therapist says that I have been emotionally abused over and over again and that I am essentially recovering from a traumatic experience, but I'm concerned that we have reached a point from which we cannot recover.  It feels lousy for me to end the relationship now that she's doing so much better, but I just do not feel that same attachment to her like I used to.  I feel guilty for this, which I know is inappropriate, but I can't help feeling like I owe it to her somehow--she's doing everything she can and working so hard, so shouldn't I be able to get past this too?  I find myself almost wishing she would blow up at me again or hit me or something, just so that I could feel more justified in calling it off.  I know that's messed up, but that's where I am right now I guess.

This kind of got away from me.  I guess my question is this--has anyone felt like this?  Has anyone else had trouble forgiving their BPD SO for past behavior?  Were you able to in the end?  Were you able to move past it?  Or did you feel as though the relationship had been irreparably damaged to the point that it was simply not possible to move forward?

Thank you for reading this.  I sincerely appreciate it.

[Sluggo]

Reshi,

I know I feel that a lot and have read that same thing on these boards.  It is a feeling whether you can really love that person fully again or fully be open to them.  Or was what I was feeling back them really a version of co-dependency. 

I am sure there will be a lot of wisdom to listen to on this board.