Validation Challenge: My own therapist visit

[ChangingOfTides]

I am seeing a therapist myself now.

Every visit is a stresspoint, cause my pwBPDw sees it as me being selfish, playing the victim.

When i get back home afterwards, she is all defensive and wants to hear what we talked about, and whatever answer i give her, she becomes angry.

Seems like me seeing a therapist is both a threat and an invalidation to her. While i see it as me to take responsability and making things better for the both of us... .

In such situation, how do you handle validation of this.

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[babyducks]

hi ChangingofTides,

Good for you seeing a therapist.   

Every visit is a stresspoint, cause my pwBPDw sees it as me being selfish, playing the victim.

You have heard of projection right?   This looks like classic projection to me.   Projection is BPD trait where essentially they take their emotion or behavior and assign it to you.   That's is an over simplified description by a factor of 100.   You can't really argue against projection because that is like debating their world view with them.   It's invalidating to them and will make them cling tighter to their view.   

When i get back home afterwards, she is all defensive and wants to hear what we talked about, and whatever answer i give her, she becomes angry.

I believe what ever you discuss is between you and your therapist.    I would recommend you not share any details with your wife, even if it makes her uncomfortable and angry.   

Seems like me seeing a therapist is both a threat and an invalidation to her. While i see it as me to take responsibility and making things better for the both of us... .

Very likely.  For some one who has relationship fears and issues this must be a huge threat.   Just guessing I would say she is probably worried you are going to complain about her (shame issues),  are going to get healthier than her (self esteem issues),  are doing this to figure out how to leave her (abandonment issues),  and are taking attention away from her (object issues).

In such situation, how do you handle validation of this.

when I have trouble with validation I fall back on SET which I find easier.  SET = support, empathy and truth statements.

If you can identify what to support that's helpful but a generic SET statement would be build around something like this.   "You seem to be struggling with my seeing a therapist.   I can see how it would difficult to get used to this.   I feel that I need to see a therapist right now to make things better for me."

Does that give you something to start to tweak to your own situation?

'ducks

[ChangingOfTides]

Yes, i know about projection, although sometimes i fail to spot it, driven by my own "FOG" feelings... .

Then i try to explain to her the Therapy as a means to make things better for us, but you are right, in this sort of projection moments every logic or motivation you may bring in is easily seen as a lie... .

I guess i need to make the switch to not tell her about the topics in the therapy, she ussually did talk about her sessions till a few months ago...

[Notwendy]

I agree with babyducks. In addition, my guess is that she may also be afraid that the T will tell you to leave?

It is good that you are going. Consider that this is a part of self care. Would you stop going to the doctor or dentist because your wife didn't like it?

T is supposed to be confidential.

Taking care of yourself and keeping the sessions confidential can be a boundary. Like any boundary, when tested, if it is important to you, then you have to uphold it regardless of any argument or reasoning she gives you to stop it. I think once we explain our boundaries, we don't have to further JADE them. This would be entering a circular argument.

Validate- "I understand that this is not comfortable for you"      then state    " but seeing a T, and keeping the sessions confidential, are important to my well being."

If you are wondering if there is something- anything- you can say that will result in her being happy and understanding ,I don't know if this is possible. She may not like you seeing the T, but that is her choice.  You are not doing anything wrong by seeing one and taking care of yourself.

[ChangingOfTides]

I will discuss it with my T as well, but its probably not gonna be very different from what y'all suggest.

Thanks, hope this avoids an akward homecoming, or make it less unpleasant... .

[formflier]

 

One of the best things my wife and I did was to stop talking about our T appointments.

Now I treat it just like any other medical appointment.  Make sure child care is covered (logistics stuff)  It is at the same building where regular medical stuff happens... .so honestly... there are times I don't know if it is T... .or medical.

I don't ask anymore.

Make the reason about you.  "I need to process today's appointment and I'm not able to discuss it"  You can tweak the wording.  Please stay away from NEVER and ALWAYS.  There may be T things you want to discuss... .don't make a rule that you will violate.

FF

[Notwendy]

Thanks, hope this avoids an akward homecoming, or make it less unpleasant... .


I wanted to highlight this because I think it is what we want, but we don't necessarily get it- because how someone else responds to our boundaries is not something we can control. We own our boundaries because they are important to us, but we may do so at the cost of our peace- at least temporarily.

Consider this- people who respect other people's boundaries behave respectfully. However, many of our issues with our SO's result from them not respecting our boundaries and us bending them to keep the peace, or trying to say or do the right thing that will result in them being happy. In a way, this is us being manipulative at some level- looking for the right thing to say or do, the right "validation" to push that happy button.

This is not the way to use validation. It isn't a tool to work on them. It's a relationship tool to help others feel as if they are being heard, and it is a valuable relationship tool for someone who feels invalidated, but it isn't a control tool.

In fact, because of the extinction burst effect, your wife may act worse when you come home from T. If you decide not to go to keep the peace, then she may learn that her behavior works. But if you continue to go to T anyway, her behavior will not work for her and she may decide that.

Often the problem we need to learn to manage is not their behavior, but our ability to handle our own discomfort in the face of that behavior. This is because the only thing we can control is our reaction to it.

[walbsy7]

I went to a therapist with my uBPDw about 8 months ago, prior to me knowing about BPD or having suspicions of it, and I had similar experiences. She refuses to go now (even though I throw it out there about 4 times a week), saying "no I ruined it for myself last time because I made changes for 2 weeks and am not consistent". She has an anxiety about therapists. She says I should go because I need the help and she doesn't, but then when I say I will go she thinks all I will do is act perfect and paint her as a terrible person.

In the end, you need to continue to do what you feel is best for you. You need to take care of yourself. If she questions you about things, and depending on what boundaries you set, you can give her the fix she needs by saying "I learned this for myself", or "the T said I should do this and I think that will help me in these types of situations".