Dealing with smear campaigns

[lost and found]

I guess I just need to get this off my chest. I've been NC with my BPD sis for about a year and a half, which I did because I found her emails so upsetting. They didn't come often, but when they did the seething hatred of them was just too much for me. I wouldn't be able to concentrate, couldn't sleep, etc., and eventually we just blocked her from our emails. I realized it had hit the tipping point when my husband, knowing I had a test that day, called me to warn me not to read our emails. I thought I shouldn't have to be afraid to open my email.

Fast forward a year or two. My brother takes care of our elderly mother, living with her in her house, along with his wife and child. He is in line to inherit the bulk of a not-very-big inheritance because he has taken on her care. Sis lives about 1 hour away while I live 1,000 miles away. Out of the blue, sis begins a smear campaign, telling relatives that Mom's care is inadequate and implying that bro is intimidating Mom into this arrangement and scaring anyone from speaking up against it by using rage and physical intimidation. Hitting is not mentioned, but the threat of it is kind of implied. The thing is, I was present for some of the incidents she is describing, and she is the one that became rageful and started throwing things, not him. This started off a cascade of emails from concerned family, the gist of which was that we (I guess meaning me and sister?) needed to get control of the situation.

Brother takes Sis's outbursts in stride. Me, not so much. I am disturbed that these emails bad mouth my brother. I am upset by hearing from her at all (not sure how she got my new email address, but she did). I'm having trouble sleeping since this began, sometimes only getting 3 hours or so. My mind replays what she said in her emails, or in conflicts I've had with her. It seems kind of PTSDish, maybe that is what is going on with me. I've spoken with my brother about all of this, but kept my contact with her and the other family members very minimal.

Sorry this is so long, and thanks for reading. If anyone has any info about how they handle these conflicts, or how to handle sleep and stress problems, I'd love to hear from you. I can see that my sis is trying to co-opt other family members into a crisis because it doesn't work on my and my brother like it used to. But even though I can see it, it is still hard to deal with.

[Confused#2]

Sorry this is happening. I know my BPDsis also has spread rumors about us to family members. Like your sis, not really giving accurate information.  I do not know what to say but maybe if you do reply to the concerned relatives that your mom is well cared for and that the situation is not as reported that will help. I know if I was one of the relatives I would rest easier if you responded. I recently read a section on this section about ruminations that might help you get through the thoughts and get back to sleep. Good luck.

[Linda Maria]

Hi lost and found!  Sorry for what you're going through.  I can completely relate - having a uBPDsis who started a vile smear campaign against me shortly after my mother died 2 years ago.  I experienced the same fear and stress as you have, and had to go NC as far as possible and find a solicitor to help me sort out my mother's estate as she did everything she could to stop that happening, which would have meant the nightmare of dealing with her going on for years. (we were joint executors and equal beneficiaries) It's still not completely finished thanks to her madness, and has cost me a lot in solicitors fees, but I would have had a complete breakdown from the stress if I hadn't taken the actions I did.  Even now - hearing from her even via the solicitor can send me into a tailspin, and you never really get over the hurt and frustration at the continued lies and false accusations.  It is a good thing you have a good relationship with your brother and he seems to take it in his stride.  I think Confused has made a good suggestion - it might be a good idea to write to all those relatives - jointly from yourself and your brother and explain - in as objective and undramatic terms as you can the true situation.  There is no doubt in my mind that your sister will make trouble when the awful day comes and the inheritance has to be distributed, so if not already in place, I would strongly urge you and your brother to have the will clearly sorted out with the solicitor, and not to have your sister as an executor, so she can't legally stop things from happening.  Stay strong and I wish you well. 

[HappyChappy]

lost and found, you are in a tricky and stressfull situation.  None of what follows is advice, they are just options. Unfortunately someone with BPD or a PD tends to assume other people are up to the same tricks as them. Also they often assume attack is the best form of defence. Hate to say it, they’re also quiet good a manipulating the truth. When this has happened in our family, we got evidence to the country and show it to the BPD. There’s always the possibility she actually believes her own hype and this would temper it.

Is your sister the girl that cried wolf  ? Meaning if she has a reputation, she will only be able to convince those she can nag (brain wash). You need to repeat a lie over and over to properly convince people. Hence the damage is minimal or insignificant.

Failing that send her a lawyers letter, as technically this is defamation of character which in our country is quiet serious. Most people back down on a lawyers letter. You may also want to collect evidence, as a BPD fears being exposes, so that would slower her down. It is always dangerous to humiliate a BPD by showing the evidence to her audience (never do that to a psychopath) but if she’s just BPD then check out how Paul McCartney’s lawyer got his ex to expose her Narky side in court. Worked a treat. Meaning legal action may silence her, or send her irate and when a BPD becomes desperate they tend to discredit themselves.

But often a BPD will continue escalating, so you may have to nip it in the bud. Sometime they notice no one is interested and move on, so diverting her can work but maybe not here. But I’m afraid the most effective way to combat slurs is to destroy the credibility of the messenger.The other tatics (which I fine hard to do) is just ignore it, but only if it goes away quickly and will be forgotten quickly. Sounds like that boat may have sailed in this case. But if you have a plan of action, you may feel more in control and this should reduce the unhealthy stress and sleeplessness. The truth will out in the end.  Best of luck.  

[Panda39]

Hi Lost and found,

What I see is your sister trying to create a Karpman Triangle... .actually I see this as more than one triangle... .

Triangle 1

     1) Your sister sees herself as the victim (not receiving inheritance/not able to care for mom)

     2) She sees your brother persecutor (he gets to take care of mom and he is taking her (sister's) inheritance)

     3) She sees the family as her rescuers (she pulls them in to take sides with her and push your brother out)

or

Triangle 2

     1) Sister see's mom as the brainwashed victim (she would never cut sister out of inheritance if she were well)

     2) Sister see's brother as persecutor (he is keeping mom under his control)

     3) Sister see's herself as the rescuer (she will bring the family together to rescue mom from your brother)

or

Triangle 3

     1) Sister is the persecutor (going after your brother)

     2) Your brother is the victim (falsely accused by your sister)

     3) Family is the rescuer (rescuing mom from brother and backing up your sister)

or

Triangle 4

     1) Sister & Family are the persecutor (going after your brother)

     2) Your brother is the victim (falsely accused by your sister)

     3) You are the rescuer (backing up your brother)

Below is some information on Triangulation and a link to information on the Karpman Triangle that you might find helpful in determining how you can react to your part of the triangle.

Brother takes Sis's outbursts in stride.

I think he is on to something here 

Me, not so much. I am disturbed that these emails bad mouth my brother. I am upset by hearing from her at all (not sure how she got my new email address, but she did).

Are you accepting a role in the Karpman Triangle?  Can you step out of the triangle?  What options do you think you might have?

Triangulation

When two people are in some conflict and one enlists or aligns with a third party to support their position.  Triangulation, as coined by Murray Bowen MD is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing great intensity will naturally involve a third party to reduce anxiety” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002).

This unhealthy dynamic commonly happens in family, close friendship, or organizations.  Who or what is right is determined more by the pairing than the issues.

Karpman triangle

The Karpman Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0


Just some food for thought.

Take Care,

Panda39