Why do I feel like this...again?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I was with my exBPDbf  for about two years. We've broken up more times than I can count, Always told me  i wasn't the one and wanted me to move out of his house. Then he'd beg to come back a few months later.  He never exhibited some of the same symptoms such as raging, or suicidal attempts etc. 7 months ago I went NO contact, I completely walked away from the relationship. He would call my sister my dad in another country, email, texed me that I was worthless, a scumbag, and a loser. I thought he was just lashing out because I wouldn't talk to him. Even had his mother call me a few times, Still I gave him nothing. After seven months he resurfaced, and got in contact with me. He gave me a fake apology and of course Stupidly I decided to once again forgive. Two weeks after getting back together, we talked about going away on a cruise to rekindle the "relationship" we talked about marriage, we started to look at wedding venues, looked through David's bridal for gowns, tux the whole nine. I asked him how his mom felt about us getting back together (because her and I had a good relationship) he stated, that his mom knew how much I made him happy and she just wants us to find our way.


Then two weeks later sends me a text message to tell me that he can never commit to me and I should move on with my life. He's not sure why I give him anxiety and why he gets tense, and two many women in his life has him messed up right now. one month later he is now engaged to the OW that he had broken up with to get back with me.( that engagement came exactly to the date that he broke up with me. Give or take a day or two.)   I'm just so hurt. I feel that this was the final nail in the coffin. Such a slap in the face to me. I feel like its his way of really just showing me that its over and I meant absolutely nothing. I mean is this really love? I have to ask because he just seems so happy and  content right now. I did stupidly looked at instagram and there are so many pictures with the new fiance and there kids, and lots of ambiguous quotes. Ex. When you find a woman that's too good for you, you change to become a better man for her. That's how you get forever" What the heck is that?

I mean if he knew he never wanted to be with me, why go through the trouble of getting back with me, just to turn around and hurt me again. Could it be that he was just confused about where he wanted to be? Could I have been that bad of a GF that he would do this to me. I just hate the fact that he gave the OW exactly what he knew I always wanted, and that was to get married to him. Well its been about 4 months of NC, and I intend to keep it that way. I've changed my #  blocked his email, and have not been on his FB.  I just know I couldn't deal with seeing any wedding photos.  But even though these avenues are blocked if he wanted to he could reach me because  he knows where I work.But it has been complete and utter silence, and I suspect it will be this way as he will not be contacting me ever again.  At this point, I'm not even sure if he's NPD or BPD maybe he was just a complete ass wipe. Maybe at the end of the day he just couldn't see himself with me in the long run and he really does loves this girl. I mean they have been together now for 8 months or so and it didn't take him long to propose and get engaged. There probably even married now for all I know . I was with him for two years and all i got to do was look at the damn ring and him pretend that he wanted me, when really he was just waiting for someone better. I have never been hurt like this by anyone. I cant even imagine hurting someone like this.


Why do I feel Like he's really in love with her? Feel like I'm frigging worthless, I guess thats the message he was trying to drive home and he F&^%ing succeeded

[stacma04]

So I was with my exBPDbf  for about two years. We've broken up more times than I can count, Always told me  i wasn't the one and wanted me to move out of his house. Then he'd beg to come back a few months later.  He never exhibited some of the same symptoms such as raging, or suicidal attempts etc. 7 months ago I went NO contact, I completely walked away from the relationship. He would call my sister my dad in another country, email, texed me that I was worthless, a scumbag, and a loser. I thought he was just lashing out because I wouldn't talk to him. Even had his mother call me a few times, Still I gave him nothing. After seven months he resurfaced, and got in contact with me. He gave me a fake apology and of course Stupidly I decided to once again forgive. Two weeks after getting back together, we talked about going away on a cruise to rekindle the "relationship" we talked about marriage, we started to look at wedding venues, looked through David's bridal for gowns, tux the whole nine. I asked him how his mom felt about us getting back together (because her and I had a good relationship) he stated, that his mom knew how much I made him happy and she just wants us to find our way.


Then two weeks later sends me a text message to tell me that he can never commit to me and I should move on with my life. He's not sure why I give him anxiety and why he gets tense, and two many women in his life has him messed up right now. one month later he is now engaged to the OW that he had broken up with to get back with me.( that engagement came exactly to the date that he broke up with me. Give or take a day or two.)   I'm just so hurt. I feel that this was the final nail in the coffin. Such a slap in the face to me. I feel like its his way of really just showing me that its over and I meant absolutely nothing. I mean is this really love? I have to ask because he just seems so happy and  content right now. I did stupidly looked at instagram and there are so many pictures with the new fiance and there kids, and lots of ambiguous quotes. Ex. When you find a woman that's too good for you, you change to become a better man for her. That's how you get forever" What the heck is that?

I mean if he knew he never wanted to be with me, why go through the trouble of getting back with me, just to turn around and hurt me again. Could it be that he was just confused about where he wanted to be? Could I have been that bad of a GF that he would do this to me. I just hate the fact that he gave the OW exactly what he knew I always wanted, and that was to get married to him. Well its been about 4 months of NC, and I intend to keep it that way. I've changed my #  blocked his email, and have not been on his FB.  I just know I couldn't deal with seeing any wedding photos.  But even though these avenues are blocked if he wanted to he could reach me because  he knows where I work.But it has been complete and utter silence, and I suspect it will be this way as he will not be contacting me ever again.  At this point, I'm not even sure if he's NPD or BPD maybe he was just a complete ass wipe. Maybe at the end of the day he just couldn't see himself with me in the long run and he really does loves this girl. I mean they have been together now for 8 months or so and it didn't take him long to propose and get engaged. There probably even married now for all I know . I was with him for two years and all i got to do was look at the damn ring and him pretend that he wanted me, when really he was just waiting for someone better. I have never been hurt like this by anyone. I cant even imagine hurting someone like this.


Why do I feel Like he's really in love with her? Feel like I'm frigging worthless, I guess thats the message he was trying to drive home and he F&^%ing succeeded

[Schermarhorn]

So I was with my exBPDbf  for about two years. We've broken up more times than I can count, Always told me  i wasn't the one and wanted me to move out of his house. Then he'd beg to come back a few months later.  He never exhibited some of the same symptoms such as raging, or suicidal attempts etc. 7 months ago I went NO contact, I completely walked away from the relationship. He would call my sister my dad in another country, email, texed me that I was worthless, a scumbag, and a loser. I thought he was just lashing out because I wouldn't talk to him. Even had his mother call me a few times, Still I gave him nothing. After seven months he resurfaced, and got in contact with me. He gave me a fake apology and of course Stupidly I decided to once again forgive. Two weeks after getting back together, we talked about going away on a cruise to rekindle the "relationship" we talked about marriage, we started to look at wedding venues, looked through David's bridal for gowns, tux the whole nine. I asked him how his mom felt about us getting back together (because her and I had a good relationship) he stated, that his mom knew how much I made him happy and she just wants us to find our way.


Then two weeks later sends me a text message to tell me that he can never commit to me and I should move on with my life. He's not sure why I give him anxiety and why he gets tense, and two many women in his life has him messed up right now. one month later he is now engaged to the OW that he had broken up with to get back with me.( that engagement came exactly to the date that he broke up with me. Give or take a day or two.)   I'm just so hurt. I feel that this was the final nail in the coffin. Such a slap in the face to me. I feel like its his way of really just showing me that its over and I meant absolutely nothing. I mean is this really love? I have to ask because he just seems so happy and  content right now. I did stupidly looked at instagram and there are so many pictures with the new fiance and there kids, and lots of ambiguous quotes. Ex. When you find a woman that's too good for you, you change to become a better man for her. That's how you get forever" What the heck is that?

I mean if he knew he never wanted to be with me, why go through the trouble of getting back with me, just to turn around and hurt me again. Could it be that he was just confused about where he wanted to be? Could I have been that bad of a GF that he would do this to me. I just hate the fact that he gave the OW exactly what he knew I always wanted, and that was to get married to him. Well its been about 4 months of NC, and I intend to keep it that way. I've changed my #  blocked his email, and have not been on his FB.  I just know I couldn't deal with seeing any wedding photos.  But even though these avenues are blocked if he wanted to he could reach me because  he knows where I work.But it has been complete and utter silence, and I suspect it will be this way as he will not be contacting me ever again.  At this point, I'm not even sure if he's NPD or BPD maybe he was just a complete ass wipe. Maybe at the end of the day he just couldn't see himself with me in the long run and he really does loves this girl. I mean they have been together now for 8 months or so and it didn't take him long to propose and get engaged. There probably even married now for all I know . I was with him for two years and all i got to do was look at the damn ring and him pretend that he wanted me, when really he was just waiting for someone better. I have never been hurt like this by anyone. I cant even imagine hurting someone like this.


Why do I feel Like he's really in love with her? Feel like I'm frigging worthless, I guess thats the message he was trying to drive home and he F&^%ing succeeded

I'm going to be blunt, he was probably using you as a pit stop until he found new supply.

He most likely loves her in the same way he loved you. Right now everything is going to be perfect, but once something goes wrong his dysfunction will kill the relationship. She has the same fate as you.

I just found out that my ex has done this to me the last time we were talking. And it feels like it set me back a few months.

Unfortunately they don't stop hurting you after the initial breakup. Keep posting and reading, take care of yourself. It is okay to be hurt. Dealing with these people are like stepping on an emotional landmine.

[stacma04]

Yes I feel the same way... I was just a stepping stone until better came along. It has really set me back. Should have just stayed nc the last time... .Now I know better been five months nc, I intend to maintain it no matter what

[Mutt]

Hi stacma04,

We've broken up more times than I can count, Always told me  i wasn't the one and wanted me to move out of his house. Then he'd beg to come back a few months later.

Why do I feel Like he's really in love with her? Feel like I'm frigging worthless, I guess thats the message he was trying to drive home and he F&^%ing succeeded

I think that's a valid question "why do I feel like this again?" Do you feel like his actions are really trying to drive a point or maybe it's an issue with self esteem and self worth?

Here's a list by Susan Peabody that may help you identify why you're feeling worthless, follow the link at the bottom to see the entire list.

Can you identify with some reasons in the article?

Do you have a history of falling in love with an unavailable people and wonder why this keeps happening? The following is a list of some of the most common reasons people keep falling into this trap. Are any of these reasons, your reasons?

Low self-esteem: Sometimes we have such low self-esteem that we don't think we deserve any better. So we just stick with it. They think this is better than nothing.

Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person

[JohnnyShoes]

Think of All the nons being like "batteries"

and he runs on everybody else's battery.

Sort of like an emotional leech.

He may seem and look happy, he just found a fresh battery that knows nothing of his draining power. In time, she will be drained... and he'll be looking for someone to provide that 'spark'.

They hop from one person to the next.

I am very sorry because I just KNOW how painful this is. The confusion and heartbreak. Sounds like he's also heavily dipped in NPD as well.

I'm not preaching, I'm in a sort of quagmire. I can still slip at any moment and be recycled again just to have my twisted soul and heart handed back to me.

[hollycat]

He isn't going to have "happily ever after" with the OW. In a few months or in a year, she will be posting on the married forum, not knowing that the heck happened.

He is splitting her white, just like he split you black.  Her turn is coming.

Please know you are worthwhile!  Actually you are the lucky one for not marrying him and being stuck in a legal he** later with a divorce and all that.

YOU are the lucky one.

[cyclistIII]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, stacma. Dealing with this kind of behavior is really, really painful. I also feel that no one has ever hurt me as much as my BPDex.

The important thing to remember is that you're dealing with a mental illness here. It isn't rational and it has nothing to do with you. This person has a deep fear of intimacy and is literally incapable of sustaining a healthy, intimate relationship with anyone. No one can fix that -- not you, not this OW, not anyone else. The only person who can fix him is himself, and he would have to really commit himself to a lot of hard work, and it would take years.

He's not sure why I give him anxiety and why he gets tense

Intimacy gives him anxiety. There is nothing you can do about that. He will eventually experience the same thing with the OW, if he hasn't already.

I mean if he knew he never wanted to be with me, why go through the trouble of getting back with me, just to turn around and hurt me again.

A symptom of BPD is emotional instability, and passionately believing the truth of the moment, but not being able to hold onto it. When he said he wanted to be with you, he absolutely wanted to be with you; it was 100% true. Then he got scared and overwhelmed, because being close to someone is too scary for him to handle. But he also doesn't want to be alone, so he found someone who was less scary in that moment.

Again, it has nothing to do with you; it has nothing to do with her. It's an illness. It is a desperate thirst for intimacy combined with a crippling fear of that same intimacy, and the result is that he hurts everyone he tries to get close to. It sucks. But you are not worthless -- you just fell for someone who is incapable of a healthy connection.

[stacma04]

Thank  You to everyone who responded. I'm slowly trying to detach and heal from this very scary experience.

@cyclistIII... Thank You so very much for your insight. I never really understood what he meant by me giving him anxiety. I can totally understand this. When we went to look at engagement rings , we were sitting in the jewelry store, and  he wanted me to try the ring on, but this look came over him, like he got scared or wasn't sure he even wanted to get married. Its really hard for me to explain the look on his face. But now that he got engaged one month after our break up, I just ant help but feel like maybe it was because he just couldn't see himself with me. When he was discarding me, he said he felt sick to his stomach, I asked him why does he always run away from me? of course no answer, then I told him that he was the one that kept doing this to our relationship, and of course no answer. Just the lack of empathy and explanation as to why they want to break things off is very hurtful.

[cyclistIII]

Thank YOU, stacma! Whenever I manage to say something that is helpful to someone else, it makes me feel so much better about what I have gone through and been forced to learn... .it's like my silver lining, I guess :-P

It does get better, I swear! It might feel like your heart has been ripped out, but it's actually still there, just severely beaten, and it will heal in time. Be good to yourself and hang in there... .

[stacma04]

Thank you to everyone who shared there insight I appreciate it

@cyclistlll your insight and thoughtfulness is greatly appreciated , can't tell you how touching your words are. Thank you so very much