Sending a letter to my wife T was seen as controlling?

[TooRational]

Hello,

I just learned today from a common friend of me and my ex that one thing I did about 6 weeks ago was seen as controlling. I'm struggling to understand why. Being controlling is a complaint that I heard several times in the last weeks before our official separation and I'm still not quite getting it. I'm not sure if it's my wife who is overly sensitive or if there's some truth to it. Let me describe what I did and you guys can be the judge.

When things were spiraling out of control with my wife's depression and our relationship, she finally agreed to seek help from a psychologist. She had previous experience with psychologists but it had always been a failure. So I was determined to find a good one for her this time (perhaps could be perceived as controlling but I was just trying to help). Anyhow, I found a fairly good one I think. My wife met her once and liked her. Then I thought it would be a good idea to write the T a 7-page letter to give a fairly exhaustive history of our relationship and of my W past struggles (bad relationship with her parents, previous suicidal thoughts, episodes of panic attacks, etc). I mean, we have been together for 18 years (half of our lives) and I thought that my analysis (however biased it could be) could somehow be helpful. It would have taken my W several sessions to cover everything I wrote in this letter. I thought that giving a broad overview could help the T perhaps identify an aspect of my wife past that could warrant further discussions. "Jump start" the therapy on other words.

I tried to refrain from sharing my own feelings in this letter because the T's job is to help my W, not me. Not sure if I completely succeeded but I tried.

I did show the letter to my W first and asked her permission to send it to her T. Now our friend is telling me that both my W and the T thought that this letter was inappropriate and controlling.

It was all done to help. It's unfortunate that it was seen as something negative. All in all it really summarizes well my

relationship with W (this situation, not the letter) in the last several months (or years). The harder I try to do the right thing

and help, the worse it is perceived. It's like everything goes through a negativity prism and my W thinks that my actions are motivated

by some inner hidden motive (a desire to control). Well, maybe I am a control freak after all but I really don't think so. I think she's

just overly sensitive to any action that could be perceived as limiting her liberty.

But then again her psychologist also thought that it was inappropriate and an attempt at control. I'm just baffled by all of this. But anyway, I'm moving on so it doesn't really matter anymore, unless I really have a problem that needs to be addressed, in which case I'm more than willing to work on it.

So, which is it? Was I really being controlling or are my W and T just over-reacting?

[Sunfl0wer]

I would not want anyone to send my T a letter... .and I would not agree to it.  Maybe, after I knew the T more I may consider it if I felt it helpful for some reason.  Not sure what circumstance that could be.

My relationship with my T is very personal.  The pace of the development and level of disclosure between my T and I works best when it is just T and I.  The relationship of T and I is built on trust, good rapport, mutual understanding.  

Adding a third party to the dynamic make the relationship development process complicated... .especially in the first beginning months of treatment.  It can interfere.  Unless the dynamic is expected to be couples counseling, then that is different.  It is best guided by participants in the treatment.

I imagine that you sent a letter expecting to equip the T with useful information.  You likely wanted to cut to the chase and get the ball rolling asap, and felt knowledge is power... .for the T.  To help you ex best.

For therapy to work, the MOST important thing is the willingness for the client to want to attend and want to improve things even if it means some discomfort.  This is hard for pwBPD especially.

So while supplying info seems important, the T skills and understanding is only as effective as the client's willingness to attend and give fair participation.  

So the effectiveness is dependent more on your partner first.

It is possible that your partner could not see the T as "her T."  Or could fear that T judged her for T knowing too much info before she was willing to disclose.  Or something else.

Just as your desire to help is valid and well intending.

She may also have valid reasons to feel uncomfortable with the process because of something that occured.

(I feel it is best to stay out of a persons treatment unless invited, or there is an emergency)

[TooRational]

Thanks for your opinion. The plan at the beginning with her T was that we were going to meet her together once but then it would be exclusively for my wife. So I didn't want to waste my only hour with the T trying to cover as much background info as possible, I wanted it to be more efficient. And it was. Our meeting with the T was actually the T talking 90% of the time. So in a way, I do think that what I did was helpful.

I understand now that I might revealed stuff that my W was not ready yet to reveal. But if both my W and my T thought it was a good idea, why did they both agree to it? I also asked the T her opinion before sending it to her.

I just wish one of them told me that it was a bad idea BEFORE, not after.

[JohnLove]

I don't know about "controlling"... .maybe interfering at best. The primary relationship is between you and your wife. No matter what happens or who it happens with it is YOUR lives.

You are allowed/permitted to have some control... .and accountability for whatever happens as far as you're concerned.

I'm unsure why this information is being filtered back to you through a mutual friend?

Just be yourself. Do what you feel is best. See where it goes from here.

I can understand why you did what you did. I can also see how you may be criticised for it.

A double edged sword.

[balletomane]

Therapy's effectiveness stems from the development of a trusting relationship between the therapist and the client, which means that the client has to have the power to talk about their difficulties in their own voice. The challenges tend to emerge over the course of the therapy, as the client and the therapist get to know one another. You tried to force the process by presenting the therapist with what is essentially a list of problems, as though your wife is a broken car that needs servicing and that by pointing out all the problems you are being helpful to the mechanic. But therapy can't be forced like that and to be honest it does seem controlling to try.

I made a similar mistake in the past, as a teenager. My best friend in high school developed psychosis when we were seventeen years old, and became convinced I was plotting to kill her. She also became convinced that doctors wanted to poison her and lock her up forever, so she wasn't telling the truth to her treatment team. I was really worried for her, because she was sending me dozens of suicidal texts, when she wasn't accusing me of planning to kill her. So I decided to write a letter to her therapist and include the suicidal texts, so they could see what was really going on. My friend didn't object. I thought this meant she didn't mind, but really it meant she was too frightened of me to say no. The therapist saw my behaviour as a form of bullying. I was shocked when I found that out but looking back on it, as an adult, I can see why - I breached my friend's boundaries and pushed her into a situation she wasn't comfortable with. I had every right to protect myself and my own health (for example by telling my friend that I wasn't going to provide midnight crisis support for her, that I would no longer answer the phone after nine p.m., and that she needed professional help). I did not have the right to push her into doing what I thought she should do.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks for your opinion. The plan at the beginning with her T was that we were going to meet her together once but then it would be exclusively for my wife. So I didn't want to waste my only hour with the T trying to cover as much background info as possible, I wanted it to be more efficient. And it was. Our meeting with the T was actually the T talking 90% of the time. So in a way, I do think that what I did was helpful.

I understand now that I might revealed stuff that my W was not ready yet to reveal. But if both my W and my T thought it was a good idea, why did they both agree to it? I also asked the T her opinion before sending it to her.

I just wish one of them told me that it was a bad idea BEFORE, not after.

I can understand why you thought it may be helpful.  Had I not ever been in T before to have a very good working understanding of the dynamic of treatment, I'd have likely wrote a one page letter. (As I assume a person's attention generally gets lost on anything bigger than resume style)

I can also imagine being frustrated or regretful to have little voice at my limited opportunity to have one, especially if my understanding was not that it was a debriefing initial session, rather an info gathering one.

I honestly don't think "it is anyone's" fault.  It just IS.

Leaving is hard.  Sometimes we may try to tell ourselves a narrative about what happened in order to cope.  Such as: I did my best; I couldn't have done anything more; or some may say: Well it wasn't going to work out anyway.  

Sounds like your self talk narrative is saying: What if... .

I believe there is a section in the Lessons on that.  (If I find it, I'll modify and add)

We all struggle to "make sense" of things, how they occurred and at some point sometimes what we find is that: Things just don't make sense! We did the best at the time that we could!

Sounds like your ex's words are getting under your skin.

Do you want to explore that some?  

Do you think you may still have some FOG happening for you?

Edit: rather than post the section I was referring to... .Looks like the whole page is quite useful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality.

[JohnLove]

You tried to force the process by presenting the therapist with what is essentially a list of problems, as though your wife is a broken car that needs servicing and that by pointing out all the problems you are being helpful to the mechanic. But therapy can't be forced like that and to be honest it does seem controlling to try.

Surely the letter with the list of symptoms and experiences would have provided the T with a good amount of background information in the context that it was coming from her partner.

Maybe I'm wrong but I fail to see the fault when TooRational explained that the initial appointment was to include both parties and the T is the one with experience and at liberty to filter or even disregard any "useless" background information.

Therapy's effectiveness stems from the development of a trusting relationship between the therapist and the client, which means that the client has to have the power to talk about their difficulties in their own voice. The challenges tend to emerge over the course of the therapy, as the client and the therapist get to know one another. You tried to force the process by presenting the therapist with what is essentially a list of problems, as though your wife is a broken car that needs servicing and that by pointing out all the problems you are being helpful to the mechanic. But therapy can't be forced like that and to be honest it does seem controlling to try.

I feel that TooRational provided a list of symptoms to assist the T in his/her assessment. Quite unlike if his partner was an inanimate object. It is also well documented that if a pwBPD even agrees to see a T that they tend to manipulate or tell their T what they want to hear. TooRational has described a precedence where previous attempts at psychology were a failure. Doesn't that in itself suggest a different approach should be attempted?

The T was ALWAYS at liberty to just file the letter without reading it if that was seen as undesirable, while keeping the parties satisfied.