How do you handle getting outside help about your pwBPD

[walbsy7]

I got a good question that I think deserves a topic... .did you ever tell someone you know (other than a therapist), like a friend, inlaw, parent, etc) that you suspect your significant other has BPD? The difficult situation I find myself in, is that my ENTIRE family, i mean brothers, parents, friends, aunts, cousins, guardians, etc are all on her "banned for life sh*t list" due to slights, miscommunications, insults, etc, and because of this I have not spoken with them in a year and a half, did not invite them to my wedding, etc. Her family is on her sh*t list also, but she still reaches out on occasion, as do I but they are like a "arms reach" relationship. She hates everyone at my work because it is my work and she has something against that, but for the sake of perhaps the situation getting better I feel like I need to some how confidentially let someone know, like her mother, of what I suspect (which is a solid and bold 100% it being BPD). I know if this ever gets out, I will certainly be crucified, but I feel like if I change my approach with her, her family changes their approach with her and learns about her illness, and maybe over time we can turn the tide on her outlook and she can get the help she needs. It is definately a rocky slope, I do not know whether it is worth climbing.  Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hope26]

Wow walbsy7, it sounds like you're dealing with several difficult issues.  No contact with your family, maybe strained relationships with hers, and you wanting her to get help.  I can share with you what I've done with my relatives, as well as close friends that were mine before his; I've told them as much as I feel they could understand about his issues.  To some I've said he has a 'mood disorder'.  I've done this so we can still be close even if he says or does something outrageous to them.  In effect, putting them on alert.  With his relatives on the other hand, I wouldn't think of saying anything because they don't see the problems and would very likely take his 'side'.  I am close to them as well and don't want there to be 'sides'.  When I said something to my sister-in-law once about H's temper, she looked at me like I was crazy.  If she can't even see he loses his temper, I figure it's hopeless to go further.  I think you are thinking of doing some sort of a family intervention on behalf of your wife.  I would have my doubts about that, for this particular disorder.  Just my two cents worth.

[joshbjoshb]

Before talking about helping him... .how did you reach such a state that because of him you are in no contact with your family? This is so sad.

Please recognize that this is a huge problem. Yes, he might have wanted you not to be in touch with your family, but the fact you agreed to do that shows that you have a lot of work to do you on yourself!

No one should EVER dictate to you if, and how, to be in touch with your family.

No one should EVER decide for you who to talk to.

[Notwendy]

I think it starts with you getting help for you. Seriously, it sounds at least as if you have isolated yourself. A T can help be a sounding board for you. Perhaps the T can suggest a support group.

Your family probably has something to say about this, but they are between a rock and a hard place. They know that if they don't think your wife is wonderful that they will lose you. In fact, they may feel they already have.

I don't think IMHO, that speaking to your wife's FOO will be of any help, and may turn them even further from you. My mother's FOO thinks she is perfectly fine. Since I don't ( she has BPD) they have pretty much cut themselves off from me.

My mother pretty much does this- divides people, paints them black if they have any idea that they are not fully aligned with her. When my father was alive, she insisted on this too.

Now that I am an adult, my father's FOO has told me how they have felt about this. My mother despises them. Like you, my father basically broke ties with them seeing them rarely. It broke their hearts. They loved him.

 

I will urge you to reconcile with your family if you have no other reason to stay away from them. I know that a marriage bond supersedes parental bonds, but this doesn't require we cut ties to them.

[walbsy7]

Notwendy,

I think I agree with you, except I know that will put someone in the hospital, from physical harm to her from herself, physical harm to me from her, or psychiatric care in the er. How do you think I go about such a thing? How much info do I tell them? Obviously not everything but I hope you m know where I am getting at. How do I protect myself against my wife?

[Notwendy]

I have no idea. I am sure my father was in a similar situation. He really did love my mother, but his family didn't. I think he had to make some tough choices.

I don't think he spoke to them about my mother. He didn't speak about her at all, but those were the days where they didn't speak of such things and BPD was unknown.

Is there a way you can get a T for yourself? Tell your wife you are going to the doctor? Surely you can get medical care.

[walbsy7]

I am trying to find one. I need to save some money for it because I have other obligations and things to take care of. I need to make this a priority also I suppose

[joshbjoshb]

I am trying to find one. I need to save some money for it because I have other obligations and things to take care of. I need to make this a priority also I suppose

Taking care of yourself is a bit on top of number 1. It's the basic of all basics.

[twitchy]

Hey walbsy7,

I have had little contact with my family but I was able to speak with one of my brothers.  When ever I get overwhelmed with all this, I call him and let him know what I am going through.  You must speak with someone.  Start with someone you can trust.  I also speak with a co-worker.  Believe me, it helps to have a listening ear.  I don't expect them to have an answer for me but I feel that they are there when I need to vent.

[ColdEthyl]

I do not talk to my family about it. I have told them his diagnosis, but that's the end of it. The relationship between my father and I is strained at best, and I really don't have any other family. My brother and children are aware because they live with me. I have spoken to them about it so they understand certain behaviors that might seem odd, etc. My children are a bit more better equipped to handle this type of situation since my brother has lived with me since before they were born (they are now 15 and 11) and he is paranoid schizophrenic. My son is Asperger's as well, so there is an environment of understanding each other and each of our faults as well as strengths.

I have tried to talk to his family about it, but his siblings just clam up and don't want to acknowledge the issue, let alone talk about it. His father is in a nursing home with Parkinson's, so there is no reason to bother him with it at this point. His mother and I have spoken about it a few times, and it helps her a little to understand a bit about the past and all, but there are some things she just doesn't understand. She's a very logical woman, and psychology just kind of goes over her head.

When I need to talk to someone, I do it here and at another support group online. I do not talk to a therapist yet, though I know I need to. It seems like something keeps coming up to prevent me from getting the help I need. But, the online support has been a lifesaver for me.

[sweetheart]

Hello 

Like everyone is saying, getting support for you is crucial. I can hear that you will have to save for a T. So how about telling us a bit more about your concerns around your wife's behaviour that prevents you from being in contact with friends and your own family.

It might be we can work out a plan here as a starting point that helps you implement boundaries and a Safety Plan in the event that your wife dysregulates.

What does that sound like walbsy7? Would it help any ?

[walbsy7]

Hello 

Like everyone is saying, getting support for you is crucial. I can hear that you will have to save for a T. So how about telling us a bit more about your concerns around your wife's behaviour that prevents you from being in contact with friends and your own family.

It might be we can work out a plan here as a starting point that helps you implement boundaries and a Safety Plan in the event that your wife dysregulates.

What does that sound like walbsy7? Would it help any ?

I think setting boundaries instead of fearing I would abandon her has helped me out alot. Once she does not respond do my sympathy statements, trust statements, etc and I see the situation continuing to go south and I am at risk (physically, emotionally, etc), I will leave. In the past she called me out for abandoning her during arguments, but that was also prior to my knowledge of BPD and the knowledge of what is really going through her mind, how she can not control it, etc. This website has helped me greatly, and also reading has helped me greatly. I have much more confidence now that I have a path that I know I need to take. I started the thread more along the lines of getting help for my wife, how to break the "news" to her that she may have BPD. I think sometimes of making a fake email account and discuise it as spam and send her a email saying ":)o you have BPD?" and list out symptoms and things, but I never did that. I get made out to look like a real A-hole to alot of people, my family thinks I am an A-hole because of her (she also hates my family but thats besides the point). I dont really have anyone i can go to or trust, but I feel like if SOMEONE knows who also knows her, maybe the dynamic on her side of the family can start to shift. She has many issues with them, how she thinks they are very controlling, judging, etc, and many of that is actually true. I think they may have their own set of issues (her parents), so I decided it probably be best to let them make their own decisions on things. It is not my business to try to improve the relationship between them, even though I do think it may help overall.

[Blistex]

Lived a similar life to yours for about 20 years when eventually I left.  And ex's relationships were similar to yours.  Her philosophy is you are either with me or against me... .and eventually she had no one left as she ex communicated everyone one by one.

Also, It's apart of the isolation portion of your relationship... .separate you from everyone so there is no independent rational thought to chime in... .then the brain washing will really start.

I literally had no one to talk to as well.  It was only in counseling which didn't work either.  It was when I stepped out of my comfort zone and reached out for help from 1 new'ish friend.  And it helped tremendously. 

As a head's up, people came out of the wood works (her family, my family, friends, neighbors, work people) to report her odd behavior after I left.

I always thought she was high functioning and no one could see it.  Well, at least for me, they could see it (not all of it) but they could see it.

It was astonishing.  There were so many stories they shared with me. 

In the end, I was the only one who kept my head in the sand like an ostrich trying to normalize her behaviour and everyone else could see she was not healthy.  Their eyes were wide open.  Mine were closed.

[formflier]

 

I think that focusing on Notwendys advice to get help for you. 

Tell people about that if you want to tell people something.

If she doesn't have a diagnosis... please refrain from telling people you "suspect" this or that.  Just describe behavior.

To follow up with help for you... .my advice on topic number 1 is to re-establish relationships.

Make it about you... .if your wife doesn't like it... .validate her dislike... .then move along with establishing relationships.

If she hospitalizes herself... .that is her choice... .

FF

[walbsy7]

Lived a similar life to yours for about 20 years when eventually I left.  And ex's relationships were similar to yours.  Her philosophy is you are either with me or against me... .and eventually she had no one left as she ex communicated everyone one by one.

Also, It's apart of the isolation portion of your relationship... .separate you from everyone so there is no independent rational thought to chime in... .then the brain washing will really start.

I literally had no one to talk to as well.  It was only in counseling which didn't work either.  It was when I stepped out of my comfort zone and reached out for help from 1 new'ish friend.  And it helped tremendously. 

As a head's up, people came out of the wood works (her family, my family, friends, neighbors, work people) to report her odd behavior after I left.

I always thought she was high functioning and no one could see it.  Well, at least for me, they could see it (not all of it) but they could see it.

It was astonishing.  There were so many stories they shared with me. 

In the end, I was the only one who kept my head in the sand like an ostrich trying to normalize her behaviour and everyone else could see she was not healthy.  Their eyes were wide open.  Mine were closed.

Wow that is crazy, I wonder if my situation is like yours in regards to the "outsiders". i am still shocked I just read that.

Do you regret leaving after 20yrs? did you think about leaving lets say 4 years? 13 years?

[Blistex]

Regret not leaving sooner.  Always thought about leaving. 

However, I always felt there was an obstacle (not enough $, hope she would get better, not wanting a divorce, kids... .so many self-created obstacles.

The biggest one that kept me was hope. 

Second biggest one was to protect the kids.

Now I realize that for me I should have set up 2 different households... .but shoulda, woulda, coulda... .and then I read the nightmarish stories on co-parenting and parenting forums and realize I would have traded one form of hell for another.

So in the end, who knows? 

(we, at her urging, eloped within 6 months of knowing each other at 19 and 1 year later the first bb was born.  And so it went... .and after 2 years nightmarishly along)

Have no idea if that answered your question?

[walbsy7]

Regret not leaving sooner.  Always thought about leaving. 

However, I always felt there was an obstacle (not enough $, hope she would get better, not wanting a divorce, kids... .so many self-created obstacles.

The biggest one that kept me was hope. 

Second biggest one was to protect the kids.

Now I realize that for me I should have set up 2 different households... .but shoulda, woulda, coulda... .and then I read the nightmarish stories on co-parenting and parenting forums and realize I would have traded one form of hell for another.

So in the end, who knows? 

(we, at her urging, eloped within 6 months of knowing each other at 19 and 1 year later the first bb was born.  And so it went... .and after 2 years nightmarishly along)

Have no idea if that answered your question?

Well you sorta kinda answered. It brings me to the same conclusion I am in now. I see many parallells to your struggles with mine. I want to stay, I know I can support her, but I do not know what she will bring in the future. I know she loves me but will her projections and fears push herself away from me? I would NEVER think of leaving, but maybe that is best? I have a 1yr old, money is tight, in a little bit of managable debt, etc. I am young so I dont want to waste my "good years" but I have hope/etc.

Its a situation of your dammed if you do, dammed if you dont. This is so typical.

[formflier]

Its a situation of your dammed if you do, dammed if you dont. This is so typical.

Stand by for formflier pep talk... .reality check... .story time.  All rolled into one... .I'll pause if anyone wants to get some popcorn... .   No... the logic man movie is not coming back... but this should be a good story...  

OK... .in a way... you have your analysis right... .but I think there is a better way to look at it.

Big picture... .life doesn't always present choices where one is a good choice... .or one option has a good ending.  That's where you are at.

So... I'm a retired Naval Aviator... .very "reality" based thing.  Having a proper "situational awareness" is critical for staying alive.

Unfortunately... .emergencies happen in airplanes... .the military aspect of this only increases the odds.  So, a lot of our training focuses on realizing that things are in a bad state... .and that there are no good choices... .but a choice needs to be made

Letting go of the controls and seeing what happens is rarely a good choice... .

I think that mindset is appropriate for your situation.

1.  Decide that you need to punt and make the best of divorce and coparenting with a disordered person. 

2.  Decide that you are going to stay... .and make the best of a marriage with a disordered person.

Ok... fine... .there is a third option.  "Let go of the controls" and see what happens.  or... .stay in the middle of the road rather than picking your lane... .  whatever analogy works for you.

Oh by the way... .what happens to people that stay in the middle of the road... .?

Listen... .where is the hope in "I'm screwed... ."?  If you know... .let me know.

I can see hope in option 1... .or option 2. 

Finally... .you are not bad or wrong for your current attitude.  There were many times when a fire light came on... .followed by a hydraulic low light (and some other fun lights for good measure)... .toss in some screaming voices on the radio and intercom... .it's enough for a fellow so say a cuss word or two.

Chuckle:  I actually taught my students it was good to curse a bit when things happened... .to force them to pause and assess the situation... .rather than grabbing controls and pushing buttons in a hurry.  Usually make things worse when you hurry... .

There's no rush to decide... .but it is important that you realize that you have a decision coming... .and you need to be deliberate about making a choice... .

I've chosen to stay... .there is hope in that... .even though the landing might look a bit messy... .   

FF

[SurfNTurf]

Hi Walbsy7,

In the books I've read about living with pwBPD, I read that we nons need to tell people that our person has a mood disorder, or a mental health disorder, or some other descriptor. It  helps your extended family and FOO understand what is happening. It is scary the first time; my secretary commented to me that it seems my husb and I do not go out much. I took a deep breath and said, "it's true; that is b/c my husb has a bit of a mood disorder, he is often better when at home." Period. My family got more of an explanation, and even with the explanation they have some resentments toward him.

I agree with other posters, you are certainly isolated. And I agree also you will feel so much better if you focus on you.