Facebook reveals all...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know some people don't like to look at social media, and I completely understand that.  However, I was never friends with my former friend BPD on any social media, so I had no idea what she was posting.  I was fairly sure that she doesn't smear people, as we have two mutual friends who would have mentioned it to me, but I sort of wanted to get an idea of what she was posting, especially since she always seemed to be checking her phone whenever we were together.  My one friend let me look at it today, after she told me last night that there wasn't anything bad about me on there.

Generally speaking, it was what I expected, but also not.  Just over 200 friends, which isn't really that many, considering how many friends some people have on there.  No smears, other than some slight digs at her last two exes, such as complaining about being less important than XBox and being cheated on by the one guy.  But for the most part, it's the girl I first became friends with and eventually fell in love with.  She makes goofy comments about food, posts about TV shows, gives shout outs to her parents and other family members, and posts pictures.  I actually kind of wish I would have been friends with her on there, when things were good. 

And for most people, that's all good and well.  But for people who know she has BPD and know her well, it's amazing how much of a facade she puts up.  For example, after both suicide attempts, she posted like everything was awesome.  After each break up (and over the years, there were many), she didn't seem upset, and she very quickly jumped into a new relationship.  While she was cheating on her boyfriend, she posted messages about him and wished him a happy birthday.  That was always during the push moments of our affair.  When she was in the middle of pulling me in, she rarely posted at all. 

But most importantly, I picked up on lies she told, examples of her not telling me the whole story about anything, and just general ridiculousness.  The morning she texted me about being high, asked me if she could sleep over at my house two nights later, got mad when I said 'no,' and then ignored me all day before telling me not to send her anything suspicious because her boyfriend was in a bad mood was the day she finally moved all of her stuff into his place.  This was two days before she told me she missed me and me kissing her.  Less than a week later, she tried to commit suicide. 

And when I went LC with her in August, she acted like we were friends but failed to tell me that she was dating a new guy, possibly because it was just weeks after she had broken up with the guy who saved her life and who has been nothing but kind to me.  I knew she had no place to live, but she failed to tell me that, at one point, she was living with some family until she could find a place.  Really, I knew nothing about what she was doing.  I didn't even know where she was working.  But everyone on Facebook did, of course.

I also found out the answers to the questions I had about her birthday.  The night before, she ignored all my texts.  She was on a date with her ex-boyfriend's replacement.  The next morning, she posted about how it was the best birthday she'd had in 5 years and it wasn't even 6 AM yet.  At about 5:45 or so, I texted her a happy birthday, and she didn't reply all day.  Later that night, after she'd robbed her boyfriend and stole $300, she told me that I'm crazy.  More lies, more manipulation, more gaslighting. 

It's very easy to see how someone who doesn't know her would think that nothing is wrong.  For whatever reason, her ex-boyfriend's dad still likes her posts and comments on them, and so do his friends.  So, to most people, it must seem like it was an amicable, friendly split.  It was not.  She clearly has a very close relationship with her one stepsister.  Her mom comments on many of her posts.  Everything looks so normal from the outside.  Of course, there are the many relationships (at least 8 in the past two years, if you don't include me), but most people probably pass that off as her just being flighty. 

I've posted this recently, but I've also noticed that her appearance really has gone downhill.  Someone suggested that it might be that I found her more attractive when I was being idealized, but I don't think that's the case.  I look at some pictures of her from the past few years and think, "Wow.  What a knockout."  But when I look at pictures from the past month and especially from the past week or so, it's actually scary how bad she looks.  Bleached out hair, heavy eye makeup, overweight, pale.  Nothing like the girl I knew.  It's actually incredibly sad.  It wouldn't surprise me if she's back on drugs.

I also noticed that her mom is worried about her, so that gives me some comfort.  She made a comment to a family friend about being worried about her ever since she decided not to move across the country to live with her parents.  I do hope that she eventually makes it out there. 

I guess what amazes me the most is that her Facebook life is almost completely separate from her real life.  We weren't friends on there, so I didn't exist.  No posts about going to the movies with her BFF or eating at Cracker Barrel with her BFF because I wasn't someone she could tag, and if she posted a picture of us, no one would know who I am.  I guess part of that is the fact that we eventually had an affair, which is probably something she planned in her mind from a very early time.  Breaking up with her boyfriend and then suddenly posting that she's dating her BFF wouldn't look "good." 

I also discovered something that I figured all along.  She does consider herself bisexual, but I think there is definitely a lot of confusion involved, caused by having a lack of her true self.  Two years ago, when she dated the only girl she's ever dated, someone commented on the relationship status, and she replied, "Basically, we're lesbians."  And when she was talking about dating me and we were going to go to a local festival together, she said, "We are such a lesbian stereotype."  She also picked on me for wearing sneakers or Chucks and told me that I was "such a lesbian" (I'm actually bisexual, but whatever).  At the end of the day, the fact remains that she's probably dated about 20 guys over the years and only 1 girl.  It was something my mother cautioned me about.  She even once asked me, "Are you sure she likes girls?" 

I also noticed patterns.  It's scary how every single one of her relationships progresses the same way.  After one ends, she finds a replacement in less than two weeks.  Then, she posts photos all over Facebook of them together.  She calls every single one of her boyfriends "handsome."  She idealizes every single one of them.  She keeps them separate from everyone else in her life (the guy she dated for six months met her parents once and never met anyone else in her life).  She creates drama that leads to her needing to be rescued (being sick, falling and hurting herself, having her power turned off) by the guy.  Then, she posts passive aggressive things about the guy and the relationship.  She changes her profile pic from one of them to one of just her.  The relationship ends.  The cycle starts again. 

All in all, I'm glad I looked at everything because it gave me a better sense of who she really is, the lies she told me, and how normal she tries to appear.  And I'll be honest, I do still worry about her and hope she's doing well, so it's nice to have a mutual friend who can keep me updated if anything seems off.  This is definitely not something that I would have done in July or August, but I'm glad I did it now.  I thought I would feel terrible after looking at it, and I did at first, but now I feel a sense of relief.  Since August, she's had three boyfriends.  This is never going to change because she will never change.  And sure, one of them cheated on her (karma sucks, doesn't it?), but it probably would have ended anyway.  Just this year, she's had four relationships, not including me.  And that's saying a lot, since one of them lasted for six months.   

   

   

[SummerStorm]

I know some people don't like to look at social media, and I completely understand that.  However, I was never friends with my former friend BPD on any social media, so I had no idea what she was posting.  I was fairly sure that she doesn't smear people, as we have two mutual friends who would have mentioned it to me, but I sort of wanted to get an idea of what she was posting, especially since she always seemed to be checking her phone whenever we were together.  My one friend let me look at it today, after she told me last night that there wasn't anything bad about me on there.

Generally speaking, it was what I expected, but also not.  Just over 200 friends, which isn't really that many, considering how many friends some people have on there.  No smears, other than some slight digs at her last two exes, such as complaining about being less important than XBox and being cheated on by the one guy.  But for the most part, it's the girl I first became friends with and eventually fell in love with.  She makes goofy comments about food, posts about TV shows, gives shout outs to her parents and other family members, and posts pictures.  I actually kind of wish I would have been friends with her on there, when things were good. 

And for most people, that's all good and well.  But for people who know she has BPD and know her well, it's amazing how much of a facade she puts up.  For example, after both suicide attempts, she posted like everything was awesome.  After each break up (and over the years, there were many), she didn't seem upset, and she very quickly jumped into a new relationship.  While she was cheating on her boyfriend, she posted messages about him and wished him a happy birthday.  That was always during the push moments of our affair.  When she was in the middle of pulling me in, she rarely posted at all. 

But most importantly, I picked up on lies she told, examples of her not telling me the whole story about anything, and just general ridiculousness.  The morning she texted me about being high, asked me if she could sleep over at my house two nights later, got mad when I said 'no,' and then ignored me all day before telling me not to send her anything suspicious because her boyfriend was in a bad mood was the day she finally moved all of her stuff into his place.  This was two days before she told me she missed me and me kissing her.  Less than a week later, she tried to commit suicide. 

And when I went LC with her in August, she acted like we were friends but failed to tell me that she was dating a new guy, possibly because it was just weeks after she had broken up with the guy who saved her life and who has been nothing but kind to me.  I knew she had no place to live, but she failed to tell me that, at one point, she was living with some family until she could find a place.  Really, I knew nothing about what she was doing.  I didn't even know where she was working.  But everyone on Facebook did, of course.

I also found out the answers to the questions I had about her birthday.  The night before, she ignored all my texts.  She was on a date with her ex-boyfriend's replacement.  The next morning, she posted about how it was the best birthday she'd had in 5 years and it wasn't even 6 AM yet.  At about 5:45 or so, I texted her a happy birthday, and she didn't reply all day.  Later that night, after she'd robbed her boyfriend and stole $300, she told me that I'm crazy.  More lies, more manipulation, more gaslighting. 

It's very easy to see how someone who doesn't know her would think that nothing is wrong.  For whatever reason, her ex-boyfriend's dad still likes her posts and comments on them, and so do his friends.  So, to most people, it must seem like it was an amicable, friendly split.  It was not.  She clearly has a very close relationship with her one stepsister.  Her mom comments on many of her posts.  Everything looks so normal from the outside.  Of course, there are the many relationships (at least 8 in the past two years, if you don't include me), but most people probably pass that off as her just being flighty. 

I've posted this recently, but I've also noticed that her appearance really has gone downhill.  Someone suggested that it might be that I found her more attractive when I was being idealized, but I don't think that's the case.  I look at some pictures of her from the past few years and think, "Wow.  What a knockout."  But when I look at pictures from the past month and especially from the past week or so, it's actually scary how bad she looks.  Bleached out hair, heavy eye makeup, overweight, pale.  Nothing like the girl I knew.  It's actually incredibly sad.  It wouldn't surprise me if she's back on drugs.

I also noticed that her mom is worried about her, so that gives me some comfort.  She made a comment to a family friend about being worried about her ever since she decided not to move across the country to live with her parents.  I do hope that she eventually makes it out there. 

I guess what amazes me the most is that her Facebook life is almost completely separate from her real life.  We weren't friends on there, so I didn't exist.  No posts about going to the movies with her BFF or eating at Cracker Barrel with her BFF because I wasn't someone she could tag, and if she posted a picture of us, no one would know who I am.  I guess part of that is the fact that we eventually had an affair, which is probably something she planned in her mind from a very early time.  Breaking up with her boyfriend and then suddenly posting that she's dating her BFF wouldn't look "good." 

I also discovered something that I figured all along.  She does consider herself bisexual, but I think there is definitely a lot of confusion involved, caused by having a lack of her true self.  Two years ago, when she dated the only girl she's ever dated, someone commented on the relationship status, and she replied, "Basically, we're lesbians."  And when she was talking about dating me and we were going to go to a local festival together, she said, "We are such a lesbian stereotype."  She also picked on me for wearing sneakers or Chucks and told me that I was "such a lesbian" (I'm actually bisexual, but whatever).  At the end of the day, the fact remains that she's probably dated about 20 guys over the years and only 1 girl.  It was something my mother cautioned me about.  She even once asked me, "Are you sure she likes girls?" 

I also noticed patterns.  It's scary how every single one of her relationships progresses the same way.  After one ends, she finds a replacement in less than two weeks.  Then, she posts photos all over Facebook of them together.  She calls every single one of her boyfriends "handsome."  She idealizes every single one of them.  She keeps them separate from everyone else in her life (the guy she dated for six months met her parents once and never met anyone else in her life).  She creates drama that leads to her needing to be rescued (being sick, falling and hurting herself, having her power turned off) by the guy.  Then, she posts passive aggressive things about the guy and the relationship.  She changes her profile pic from one of them to one of just her.  The relationship ends.  The cycle starts again. 

All in all, I'm glad I looked at everything because it gave me a better sense of who she really is, the lies she told me, and how normal she tries to appear.  And I'll be honest, I do still worry about her and hope she's doing well, so it's nice to have a mutual friend who can keep me updated if anything seems off.  This is definitely not something that I would have done in July or August, but I'm glad I did it now.  I thought I would feel terrible after looking at it, and I did at first, but now I feel a sense of relief.  Since August, she's had three boyfriends.  This is never going to change because she will never change.  And sure, one of them cheated on her (karma sucks, doesn't it?), but it probably would have ended anyway.  Just this year, she's had four relationships, not including me.  And that's saying a lot, since one of them lasted for six months.   

   

   

[Invictus01]

Hey, SS, please don't take what I am about to say like I am trying to put down your healing process. And, that is true, I am a year out, so I look at all this a bit differently by now as opposed to the first few months when you don't know what hit you and nothing make sense and you are trying to find answers to everything like a mad man (or woman). And, don't get me wrong, even a year out, it still hurts. But... .

You gotta get to the point where all these details just don't matter. I know it is easier said than done, but it gotta be done. You know what you dealt with by now. You know that it is hopeless to even try this kind of a relationship. You are leaving it. You are leaving all this behind you. Figuring out her exs and all that... .That doesn't help looking forward. You can't walk forward while your head is turn back. Not too horribly fast anyway.

Just my $0.02 so to speak.

[SummerStorm]

Hey, SS, please don't take what I am about to say like I am trying to put down your healing process. And, that is true, I am a year out, so I look at all this a bit differently by now as opposed to the first few months when you don't know what hit you and nothing make sense and you are trying to find answers to everything like a mad man (or woman). And, don't get me wrong, even a year out, it still hurts. But... .

You gotta get to the point where all these details just don't matter. I know it is easier said than done, but it gotta be done. You know what you dealt with by now. You know that it is hopeless to even try this kind of a relationship. You are leaving it. You are leaving all this behind you. Figuring out her exs and all that... .That doesn't help looking forward. You can't walk forward while your head is turn back. Not too horribly fast anyway.

Just my $0.02 so to speak.

I get it.  But everyone's healing process is different, and it helps me to see what exactly was going on at the time and to answer questions I had and wanted answered.  It helps me to see patterns.   She literally keeps her entire life separate from people she gets close to, so I really didn't know that much about her.  Neither her ex nor I ever even met her sister.  I didn't even know she had one!   It also helps me to see the supposedly abusive guys she dated and to put a face to those stories, to know that I'm not alone.  Imagine hearing about a murder from the person who committed it but denies it and then, months later, finding someone who actually saw the murder happen and can explain everything.   Half of what she was telling me was different from what she was posting online for other people to read, and now I finally have the truth.

[Herodias]

The problem is Facebook is not necessarily the truth... .It may help you put somethings in perspective, but take it with a grain of salt... .Facebook isn't called fake book for nothing. I understand- I still look because I want to see his pattern unfold. It's all happening the same. I keep hearing that looking keeps you hooked in the drama. I suppose so.

[Learning Fast]

Facebook is the ideal propaganda platform for creating the perfect narrative devoid of conflict, criticism or dissension (everybody "likes" what you post while no one disagrees with commentary).  A controlled media environment where all content is scripted to the poster's desire.  A BPD's dream come true.

I agree with SS that recovery and healing varies from non to non.  I've found FB to be beneficial in the  process as it has answered many more questions than it has raised. It is probably most useful in mid-stage healing (after several months) as distance and time have spawned clarity and objectivity.  That being said, I can see where a non's interest in FB would wane as there are fewer and fewer "why" questions left unanswered and life moves on. 

[Beach_Babe]

She never friended you on fb... .and you were dating? wt_f? why?

[JohnLove]

Probably the BPD "lifestyle"... .

Nicely compartmentalised.

Ugh. 

[Beach_Babe]

You got that right

[greenmonkey]

My ex would never have me as a friend on FB either, which gave me the felling she had something to hide. She also admitted in one of our last conversations, that she was scared that if she did, the real her might be found out from me.

She always posted how wonderful life was, lots and I mean lots of selfies of her helping out at her kids school, and basically her harem of enablers, always liked everything and told her wonderful she was etc etc.

She also posted weekends away with OW, claiming she was with her son, she told me she was at one her friends funerals and in fact she was in a hotel and weekend away with another woman  .

FB is Facebook, it is a front for her to show the world that life for her is wonderful, etc and she is contender for mother of the year. In fact her life is and has been a chaotic round of lies, deceit, cheating and massive debts to anyone that has tried to care for her.

I take no notice of it, It is an extension of her which is just a fraud.

[Mr Hollande]

I have not friended my current gf on FB either. There are various reasons for that. FB can be source of misunderstanding in any relationship. It was hysterical with my BPD ex but it's been awkward at times with the women I've dated since as well. My FB account is mainly for promoting my band, it's not private. Some weirdo's sometimes comment and post on my wall and rather than having to explain the sometimes unexplainable it's better to remove that source of potential conflict from our relationship. There are also a couple of stalkers who register my every move on there and although the threat level is low I will not risk her getting dragged into their smear campaigns.

Not adding your partner on FB doesn't have to be a red flag.

[SummerStorm]

She never friended you on fb... .and you were dating? wt_f? why?

We weren't dating, only best friends, and we were having an affair.  Also, my Facebook was inactive for years.  When I activated it again when she was in the hospital, to see pictures of her because I was obviously upset about her suicide attempt, I was unsearchable and didn't even use my real name.  She didn't even realize that I had it.  She knew I had Twitter and created an account on there so she could follow me.   

[SummerStorm]

I tend to use social media to communicate with co-workers and to connect with people I haven't seen in a long time.  I only have 26 friends on there.  Two of them are former co-workers who moved out of state, three are former co-workers who either no longer teach or who teach in another district, one is my cousin, two are former students, one is someone I've never met but discuss basketball and soccer with, and the rest are co-workers. 

I agree with people who said that it can sometimes be a bad thing to be friends with your SO on social media.  In January, my former friend got into a minor argument with her then boyfriend on his page, which is completely public.  A week or two before that, she replied to one of his posts with a snippy comment.  On the day the minor argument happened, she changed her profile picture back to just one of her.  Two days later, he broke up with her.  If it were me, I would be completely upset if my SO was posting passive aggressive messages on my wall or switching his/her profile back and forth between couple pics and solo ones for the world to see.  Back in July, my former friend not only posted a passive aggressive comment but also changed her profile pic and unlinked her then boyfriend's name in her relationship status.  Anyone with an IQ over 5 would have been able to figure out what was going on in that relationship on that day.   

[SummerStorm]

Facebook is the ideal propaganda platform for creating the perfect narrative devoid of conflict, criticism or dissension (everybody "likes" what you post while no one disagrees with commentary).  A controlled media environment where all content is scripted to the poster's desire.  A BPD's dream come true.

I agree with SS that recovery and healing varies from non to non.  I've found FB to be beneficial in the  process as it has answered many more questions than it has raised. It is probably most useful in mid-stage healing (after several months) as distance and time have spawned clarity and objectivity.  That being said, I can see where a non's interest in FB would wane as there are fewer and fewer "why" questions left unanswered and life moves on. 

Yeah, I'm not going to continue to check it on a regular basis.  If something major happens, I have a friend who can at least tell me, "Hey, she's looking for a place to live again.  She might contact you if she gets desperate enough." 

She has posted things about depression and night terrors, so I am at least proud of her for not acting like everything is 100% perfect in her life.  But it is amazing how 75% of her posts to her 200 friends on there are basically just looking for sympathy, and it is amazing to see just how similar those posts are to what she was texting me.  One day, it's that she's fallen and hurt herself.  Another day, it's that she's very sick.  The next time, it's that there's something wrong with her car.  And then, there's the famous, "I have no place to live.  Does anyone need a roommate?" post that happens every few months or so.  If I had been on FB, I probably wouldn't have gotten some of those texts she sent me.  Honestly, I think that some of them were basically copied and pasted right from FB into a text to me. 

There are, of course, the comments about whatever relationship she's in.  And when things go south, temporarily or permanently, she's magically absent from FB until things get better again.  But when she was going back and forth between wanting to live with me and wanting to live with with her ex, there was absolutely nothing about that on there. 

To me, lack of object constancy is just fascinating, and I saw it in action on her FB.  It was like she kept holding on to the guy she dated for 6 months, in subtle ways, but then slowly let go.  First, she took down pictures of him and changed her relationship status.  Then, once she got a new boyfriend, she changed her cover photo (the old one had him in it).  Next, after she got another new boyfriend, she changed her location, from the town she lived in with her ex to where she lives now.  She gets rid of everything until there is nothing left to remind her of how she once felt.  It's incredibly sad.

But for me, it really has answered more questions than it has raised, especially after all of the lies and manipulation really started.  On the day she finally moved all of her stuff into her ex's place, she was acting so weird with me, and I could tell something was up.  Now, I know that she was moving her stuff (she NEVER said anything to me about this).  It also helps me to really see her push/pull behavior in relation to not only me but also in relation to her ex.  Most importantly, it helps me understand her engulfment fears and how self-aware she really is about them. 

   

[problemsolver]

Hey, SS, please don't take what I am about to say like I am trying to put down your healing process. And, that is true, I am a year out, so I look at all this a bit differently by now as opposed to the first few months when you don't know what hit you and nothing make sense and you are trying to find answers to everything like a mad man (or woman). And, don't get me wrong, even a year out, it still hurts. But... .

You gotta get to the point where all these details just don't matter. I know it is easier said than done, but it gotta be done. You know what you dealt with by now. You know that it is hopeless to even try this kind of a relationship. You are leaving it. You are leaving all this behind you. Figuring out her exs and all that... .That doesn't help looking forward. You can't walk forward while your head is turn back. Not too horribly fast anyway.

Just my $0.02 so to speak.

I get it.  But everyone's healing process is different, and it helps me to see what exactly was going on at the time and to answer questions I had and wanted answered.  It helps me to see patterns.   She literally keeps her entire life separate from people she gets close to, so I really didn't know that much about her.  Neither her ex nor I ever even met her sister.  I didn't even know she had one!   It also helps me to see the supposedly abusive guys she dated and to put a face to those stories, to know that I'm not alone.  Imagine hearing about a murder from the person who committed it but denies it and then, months later, finding someone who actually saw the murder happen and can explain everything.   Half of what she was telling me was different from what she was posting online for other people to read, and now I finally have the truth.

I believe the point Inv... Is trying to make is don't stay stagnant on this too long... Try your best to move forward... Its SO easy to become obsessed with small details

... And the people such as Inv are very good at spotting if people are perhaps setting themselves back... If that makes sense.

[MSNYC]

I totally think social media is a platform for those with BPD to manufacture a life that is false. I've noticed my exbfwBPD posting on Instagram about how happy he is, how good life is to him right now - just minutes after emailing me about how devastated he is without me!

I'm not sure how folks w BPD functioned before social media because in my experience and others on this site, it's not only a way for them to reinvent themselves but also to keep a lifeline of connection to us.

Well I like to check up on him and my reactions waver between incredulous (he is definitely flirting w some girl already, in the middle of sending me emails about how much he still loves me) and satisfied, because I know I got out in the Nick of time. Hang in there, I'm sure eventually you will not be fazed by this online activity

[Mr Hollande]

I totally think social media is a platform for those with BPD to manufacture a life that is false. I've noticed my exbfwBPD posting on Instagram about how happy he is, how good life is to him right now - just minutes after emailing me about how devastated he is without me!

When I see people shouting from the rooftops about how happy they are I tend to wonder what they are hiding.