Ran into BPDex - question

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been through the cycle too many times now- love bombed, devalued, discarded - get back together with apologies of it ever happening again- REPEAT.

Well he broke up with me a few nights ago again for false accusations (again) and i need it to be the last time. I can't be a part of this abusive toxic relationship any longer. I've gone back to him over and over only to be treated terribly. When I see him the chemistry/connection pull is so strong I get sucked in!

Last night he came into a bar I was at with a friend (he saw me through the window) and asked to speak to me outside... .Reluctantly I went. Outside I proceeded to spit fire - He said he just had wanted to say hello and that he can't stop thinking about me and he cares. I of course said he never treated me like he cared. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him, that he was awful to me, that I was angry he broke up with me over false accusations AGAIN... .I tried to walk away early on and he grabbed me arm and said "stop, you're just doing this for effect, think of everything we've had together" and continued to belittle my feelings and pain. Ended with me brushing past him saying I didn't want to waste my time.

I'm not proud of how I handled it- but it was true to my feelings. The relationship was emotionally abusive and toxic at times. I'm furious after everything he's put me through and how he shattered my heart over and over. I would obviously play it differently it I could do it over. The whole run in was bad. Even after how he's treated me repeatedly, i somehow still feel uPset about being mean and behaving that way. Should I email to apologize for losing my cool or remain no contact?

[cm3557]

I've been through the cycle too many times now- love bombed, devalued, discarded - get back together with apologies of it ever happening again- REPEAT.

Well he broke up with me a few nights ago again for false accusations (again) and i need it to be the last time. I can't be a part of this abusive toxic relationship any longer. I've gone back to him over and over only to be treated terribly. When I see him the chemistry/connection pull is so strong I get sucked in!

Last night he came into a bar I was at with a friend (he saw me through the window) and asked to speak to me outside... .Reluctantly I went. Outside I proceeded to spit fire - He said he just had wanted to say hello and that he can't stop thinking about me and he cares. I of course said he never treated me like he cared. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him, that he was awful to me, that I was angry he broke up with me over false accusations AGAIN... .I tried to walk away early on and he grabbed me arm and said "stop, you're just doing this for effect, think of everything we've had together" and continued to belittle my feelings and pain. Ended with me brushing past him saying I didn't want to waste my time.

I'm not proud of how I handled it- but it was true to my feelings. The relationship was emotionally abusive and toxic at times. I'm furious after everything he's put me through and how he shattered my heart over and over. I would obviously play it differently it I could do it over. The whole run in was bad. Even after how he's treated me repeatedly, i somehow still feel uPset about being mean and behaving that way. Should I email to apologize for losing my cool or remain no contact?

[enlighten me]

Hi cm

I personally think an email explaining things is a good idea. It may give both of you some form of closure.

I wouldn't go into too much ad would avoid throwing in too much blame. Just keep it simple and to the point

Hi ex

Im sorry how I behaved the other night. I was upset and didn't handle it well.

I feel that we can no longer be together because I can no longer deal with xyz.

I realise that I have played a part in the relationship ending up how it did.

I think that we need to give each other room to heal.

All the best.

cm

Or something like that.

You wont get any closure from dragging everything up in a vent. You may even end up feeling bad about it.

I sent something similar to my exgf. I never got an apology but did get a thank you (of sorts ).

Just a thought and purely based on my relationship dynamics.

[hurting300]

I've been through the cycle too many times now- love bombed, devalued, discarded - get back together with apologies of it ever happening again- REPEAT.

Well he broke up with me a few nights ago again for false accusations (again) and i need it to be the last time. I can't be a part of this abusive toxic relationship any longer. I've gone back to him over and over only to be treated terribly. When I see him the chemistry/connection pull is so strong I get sucked in!

Last night he came into a bar I was at with a friend (he saw me through the window) and asked to speak to me outside... .Reluctantly I went. Outside I proceeded to spit fire - He said he just had wanted to say hello and that he can't stop thinking about me and he cares. I of course said he never treated me like he cared. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him, that he was awful to me, that I was angry he broke up with me over false accusations AGAIN... .I tried to walk away early on and he grabbed me arm and said "stop, you're just doing this for effect, think of everything we've had together" and continued to belittle my feelings and pain. Ended with me brushing past him saying I didn't want to waste my time.

I'm not proud of how I handled it- but it was true to my feelings. The relationship was emotionally abusive and toxic at times. I'm furious after everything he's put me through and how he shattered my heart over and over. I would obviously play it differently it I could do it over. The whole run in was bad. Even after how he's treated me repeatedly, i somehow still feel uPset about being mean and behaving that way. Should I email to apologize for losing my cool or remain no contact?

I totally agree with (enlighten me) on this, you do have a right to be upset and it hurts when someone can be so sweet then BREAKUP the next day. I would definitely send an email explaining things... you will feel better.

[Mutt]

Hi cm3557,

I'm sorry to hear that  I understand how hard that can be to get off the emotional rollercoaster and you have a history with break-up / make-up cycles. No judgement here. I see that he grabbed your arm, does he have a history with physical intimidation?

[myself]

If you're done, just be done.

[pallavirajsinghani]

You are the one wronged and YOU want to apologise?

I can write volumes in response to your post.  It is the abused who always feels guilty and ashamed.  Irrational and so true.

If you have access to counseling, please consider it.  Because right this moment, your emotional state of mind is similar to an abuse victim.  And I can say this with authority because I am a DV survivor. 

So... .NO Justification, NO Apology, NO Explanation.  Just No Contact.

The chemistry/pull you are talking about is similar to the attraction fire has for a moth... .it is a chemical reaction in your brain, it is the rush of adreline that courses through the body during a flight/fight scenario... .it is your mind and your body in a heightened state when it senses danger to self.

There are better highs to get addicted to... .there is a high that comes from listening to a great concert, preparing oneself for a 5K run and then accomplishing it, putting one's mind to learn a skill that one always wanted to have but has not pursued yet... .focusing on creating beauty around oneself... .of relationships, of art, of learning, of dancing, of organizing a charity event... .These are similar "rushes"... .and non-destructive.

Chasing a mirage never quenched thirst... .