Tired of this...want to go NC.

[Beach_Babe]

I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone because I am unwanted by my family.  This despite living a five hour plane ride away from them, and only visiting once a year. This year they are forcing me to get a rental car if I want to come home (i.e: they refuse to greet me at airport). BPD Mother also told me, that I would also have to get a hotel (because having me around is a major inconvenience.)  NPD father then whined why I had to come home at all.  

This is how I've lived my entire life, neglected and ignored.  Sometimes I just wish they were dead I know that sounds horrible but they're both monsters. I won't cry a tear at their funerals.

Are any of you just get tired of this s**t?  Maybe I just need to go no contact.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Beach_Babe,

It sounds like you are having a rough time.

I'm being a bit flippant here, but do you intend to go to their funerals? I'm debating not going to my mother's funeral when she finally dies. She's recently floated the idea of her having 3 funerals because her 3 children don't have any contact with each other (so we can each attend a different funeral). The woman is decidedly crazy. It beats me why she thinks we'd want to go anyway.

You're certainly not alone in wishing your parents dead. I've wished my mother was dead for years and hated her for even longer. I consider myself to be basically a nice person, but she brings out the very worst in me. I hate her for even showing me what I am capable of being because of her.

I'm tired of it too. I have been LC with my mother for a number of years, but I don't think she's even twigged. She certainly doesn't take a hint. I'm in the process of getting her to understand that I will see her on Christmas Eve but not before. If it weren't for the kids... .and my Dad... .perhaps I'd go NC.

Love Lifewriter

[Kwamina]

Hi Beach_Babe

It's clear that you are having a tough time dealing with all of this. Your parents have treated you cruelly and unfortunately are continuing their abusive behavior towards you.

You are considering how to move forward with them. I find that understandable considering the way they treat you. Going NC or not is a highly personal decision. No matter what you decide to do, I do want to say that standing up for yourself and protecting yourself from abuse is very important.

Knowing what you know about your parents, is coming back home for the holidays somethings you would want to do?

@Lifewriter16

It's clear that you also have a very hard time dealing with your mom. I am sorry your mother's behavior has taken such a toll on you. You've taken certain steps to protect yourself. For our own well-being it sometimes might indeed be necessary to take those kinds of steps. It's sad and very unfortunate that this is the way it is, but these are the cards we've been dealt and the best we can do is play our hand as skillfully as we can while being continually mindful of our own well-being.

The both of you take care

[Beach_Babe]

Lifewriter16: yes I would probably go, to avoid upsetting people. its whats "expected" of me. Is your mother BPD too?

kwamina:  i think I felt triggered by a recent situation, and reached out in impulse. Sometimes I just get lonely, I forgot I had to add them to the list of people who dont want me around. Because of them, now, as an adult I attract nothing but people who remind me of them. Almost a replay of my childhood trauma. I want to change this, but don't know how.

[Kwamina]

i think I felt triggered by a recent situation, and reached out in impulse. Sometimes I just get lonely, I forgot I had to add them to the list of people who dont want me around. Because of them, now, as an adult I attract nothing but people who remind me of them. Almost a replay of my childhood trauma. I want to change this, but don't know how.

I understand Beach_Babe. We all get triggered sometimes and when you are raised by disordered parents, this can seriously impact you. To help you heal and grow, I encourage you to look at the Survivor's Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in  the right-hand side margin of this message board. The guide take you from survivor to thriver through three major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing

When you look at the guide, are there any things listed there that you feel apply to you? Any areas that you would like to work on or find yourself struggling with?

I also encourage you to take a look at a recent thread in which we explored our own behaviors:

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

Many of us here have been greatly affected by the way our disordered parents treated us. As a result we might find ourselves struggling in our adult lives and notice certain learned unhealthy behaviors and not so constructive coping mechanisms. Fortunately, these learned behaviors can also be unlearned or we can at learn how to better manage them. The thread deals with exactly that so I think you might find it helpful. I invite you to join the discussion there

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Beach_Babe,

I don't think my mum has BPD, though it's certainly her behaviour that my BPDxbf reminded me of. I think she's got AS and a traumatic background.

Her mother (my nanny) was horrible, in my opinion. I didn't like her at all. Mum once said she couldn't understand why none of us children liked her. Nanny baked cakes and fed us ginger beer but she wasn't emotionally warm in any way. She didn't relate to us, so there was nothing to like.

Mum was sexually abused by her father at 4 years of age when he returned as a virtual stranger from the war. I've no idea how long that abuse went on. He committed suicide when she was 19 but her mother lied to her about that saying it was a heart attack or stroke or something. Her sister has since confirmed with the RAF that he did indeed shoot himself in the toilet block as was the rumour at the time. Mum was beaten with a 1" rod (her parents had apparently heard that if a rod was not more than 1" in diameter it was acceptable to beat a child with it). Her family were so poor that she only had one cardigan and wasn't allowed to wear that unless it was winter. In addition, she spent two periods of 4 - 6 months in a sanitorium for physical ill-health and during that time had no contact whatsoever with her family and no one explained to her where she was going, why or even when she'd come back home. She was sent away to boarding school where she was ridiculed for her dyslexia. She once told my daughter that she did a self-assessment and determined that she had all 24 signs/symptoms of social and communication difficulties known to be part of dyslexia. These days we'd assume this was autism.

Given this, I should surely be able to find some compassion and forgiveness for her. I can imagine her as a child and feel compassion but I just don't like her as an adult. We have no emotional bond and nothing in common and yet she expects me to socialise with her and plays manipulative games that annoy me profusely. I just want to walk away with no hard feelings on either side, but it's unrealistic. That's never going to happen. Instead, I'm going to have to learn to set better boundaries with her, but one thing is for certain - she doesn't listen to what I say and misconstrues what I say (willfully or otherwise) so I can never seem to get through to her. I'm thinking I'll look at the teachings on boundaries again and see if I can figure out how I can protect myself from my mother better in the future.

What's your mother like?

Love Lifewriter

[beefree]

Beach_Babe... .

this year they are forcing me to get a rental car if I want to come home (i.e: they refuse to greet me at airport). BPD Mother also told me, that I would also have to get a hotel (because having me around is a major inconvenience.)  NPD father then whined why I had to come home at all.

 

yes I would probably go, to avoid upsetting people. its whats "expected" of me. Is your mother BPD too?

What do YOU actually WANT to do? Not what is expected... .what is best for your own well being? Is it financially viable for you to get a hotel/rental car? Do you have other friends or family in your hometown who you'd want to see? How will you be treated over the holidays if you do go home? And what might you do with your time if you don't? 

You don't have to answer all of these here... .just throwing out some things to think about... .

[Beach_Babe]

Yes its financially viable but who wants to be where they arent wanted? I also have  no friends I feel comfortable asking. I would be treated like garbage, I just feel sad at spending holidays alone. It is what it is I guess.

lifewriter: yes my mother is BPD.

[beefree]

Beach_babe,

What is something that sounds fun, that you could do over the holiday instead of going home? Somewhere you've always wanted to visit? Something you've always wanted to try doing? Making? Reading? Would you love cooking for yourself? Or going to a restaurant who does a Thanksgiving feast? Movie marathon?  Shopping - tis the season for deal hunting... .even if it's stuff you need for you... .Something else?

For me, the sitting by myself is counterproductive... .I'll mope and be sad... .and the stubbornness in me doesn't want to let the negative people in my life rob me of having a good holiday... .or a good life, for that matter... .