please help

[ataloss9]

Hello,

My sister has undiagnosed BPD. She and I had always been close, but everyone in our family has always walked on eggshells around her because of her volatile temper. She has always played a "victim" role, convinced that the world is out to get her, but luckily for me, I was usually one of the few "good" ones. In fact, she moved several states over just to live near me. Things erupted after I had a baby, though. She was convinced that our divorced mother (who she claims has always loved me more), now was showing favoritism both to my son and me. I think she was also struggling with the fact that as a new mom, I didn't have the same amount of time for her that I had before. Long story short, she ended up blowing up at me and moving back to where she used to live (hundreds of miles away). That was a year ago, and she no longer speaks to me. Everyone in my life is telling me I am better off without her nearby, and encouraging me to try to take care of myself to heal from this, but I am just still so devastated at the loss of this relationship that I just don't know what to do. I want to enjoy life with my beautiful baby and amazing husband, but I find myself consumed with grief at the loss of my sister. I've reached out to her a handful of times, and she's polite on the phone, but she never reaches out to me and we just don't have anything close to the same relationship that we used to have. Can anyone please help me? I find myself crying about this almost every day and I just don't know what to do. Thanks so much.

[Confused#2]

Hello At A Loss9

Hope you are feeling a little better than when you wrote your post.My uBPD sis once "left" the family for almost 15yrs stating that we were not nurturing enough for her. It was very hard although also a relief since the infighting seem to end in the family when she had no contact. You have done all you could do. I would recommend sending her holiday greetings,etc as you would and wait for her to come back. She may need this space for some reason and it probably will not be forever. Keep her in your heart and hope she has the support she needs. You have done your part and you need to focus on your family.  Maybe a support group for you would help also. Read the section on Guilt, etc although it sounds more like you miss your sister than anything else. Good luck and let us know how your are doing.

[HappyChappy]

So sorry to hear you are in so much pain over your lost relationship. I would echo the previous poster’s sentiments that you can leave a light on in the way of Christmas and Birthday cards. But unfortunately if someone is truly BPD then there is little we can do to change they way the operate. They do tend to triangulate relationships so you can go in and out of favour in an unfathomably way. Black and white thinking can have us go from cinderella to ugly sister. I’d just urge you not to try and fathom it out. Don’t worry about things you cannot change, just leave the light on. I found "radically" accepting the loss of the brother I wish I had, helped. We can 100% change how we view things.

[ataloss9]

Thanks so much to you both (HappyChappy and Confused #2). It means so much to me that you took the time to give me some insight into this and try to make me feel better. Very grateful to you both. Take care, and thanks so much!

[sammy1212]

Hello,

I just wanted to share with you a very similar situation I have been through with an aunt, with whom I was very close.  Same situation, I said something that set her off and she didn't speak to me for a year and I was also devastated.  I called, wrote cards and sent emails begging her to forgive me and trying to tell her how special she was to me.  Nothing.  I thought of her every single day.  After a year, she decided to reach out.  Basically, repeating what everyone else is saying.  There is nothing you can do.  Your sister will probably come around and it will probably happen after you have let go.  Once the chasing is done, then they hear the silence.  Congrats on your baby and yes, take care of yourself.  It's really hard being a mom!  You get to be selfish for you and your new family.  It's allowed!