I'm so broken

[EJ]

Hello everyone. I'm reaching out to anyone & everyone who can give me help, advice & guidance during this difficult process. My ex-girlfriend who I was with for 3 years cheated on me. We broke up in March & here I am 7 months down the road still so completely broken, empty & depressed. I began seeing a therapist in June & after hearing my story, she believes my ex has BPD & now after learning more about it I agree. Over the last 7 months my ex has continued to call, text, email & show up at my house asking for me to take her back. I stayed strong until late September & decided to give it a chance. Only for her to walk out of my life less than a month later. I've never been so lost, broken, empty, or depressed in my life. Please help!

[Darsha500]

Oh Goodness my friend.

Yah, this is the story.

First, know that coming to this board and posting is a huge step forward. It is an invaluable resource, read and post, I cant emphasize it enough. Take refuge in the fact that you are not alone.

Everyone here is aware of how devastating these relationships and break ups are. SO PAINFUL. But, here you are, Alive.

I'm trying to think, where to even begin. Well, I think one of the first sort of tasks is getting an understanding of BPD. I was fortunate enough to have a diagnosis for my ex going into the relationship, so I started educating myself during the relationship. But If you haven't already, get some books. Reading, educating myself has been instrumental for my own recovery process. This site has some really amazing suggested reading in the book reviews section. I also read couple books of recovering from a broken heart that were very helpful. I can tell you the exact books I've read if you PM me. If your interested, that is.

Call upon your inner strength, your indomitable spirit. Its this faith in my self that has been the driving force in my recovery. We all have it. We are all powerful. These disastrous relationships force us to call upon our power. They force us to show ourselves what we are made of. Overcome. We will overcome.

Sitting with the feelings can be so so painful. I know it man, I know it. Thats why mindfulness techniques are so important. I have found them to be. Educate yourself on mindfulness meditation. Its huge for dealing with the grief.

We're here to support one another. Im sure others will have more words for you.

Godspeed my friend.

[Invictus01]

Unfortunately, dude, the help is in your head. It will take a while, but eventually, your head and your heart will reconcile everything. The second chance was a mistake, but obviously you know that. Keep on going, post here, we all have gone through this incredible mindf@ck. BUT... .now you know the real deal. Keep on walking without looking back. It might not look like it right now, but you WILL get better. Pinky promise

[MSNYC]

Sorry for what you're going through

Hopefully knowing that she has a serious mental illness will give you some closure on the terrible ways she's behaved. In a lot of ways of course, it might make it a little more harder to come to terms with - it can feel like the rug is pulled out from under you, more so than if she were just a callous cheater. However keep reading through each of our stories and see if you can find some comfort in knowing you're not alone

[ReclaimingMyLife]

EJ,  like the others,  I am so very sorry for what you are going thru.   My experience of it has completely sucked so my heart is full for you and what you are going thru.   

Here's one small but significant suggestion:  be very particular about your language.  For example:

You said:  " I am so broken."

Instead say :  "I feel so broken."  This is more factually correct.   Because while you FEEL broken,  the truth is YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!   You are here,  you are out of the r/s,  you are healing.   It takes a lot of strength to stay out of these r/s's and reclaim our lives so it is important to give yourself LOTS OF CREDIT for all you have done, are doing, and will do.   All of which verifies you are NOT broken.   It is okay to feel broken so long as we  remember and actively assert that we are not broken.

Even better to say :  "AT THIS MOMENT,  I feel so broken."  This is even better b/c it is more accurate.   It completely acknowledges your truth of the moment while not extending it into the future.   You may find that you say this a lot thruout the day,  and that it is true at any given moment.   But it affirms that there are and will be other feelings as well.  And when you a are aware of them,  say them too.   It might be like,  "wow,  at THIS moment,  I feel okay (good, string, smart, capable,  like I xan do this)!"  or it might be, "at THIS moment,  I feel scared,  worried,  lonely,  etc." b/c there are a lot of tough feelings on this road to recovery,  but none of those feelings = actually being broken.  As it is said about our BPD's,  we too must remember that feelings are not facts.   They are just feelings.   So pls consider this as a way to give yourself all the credit you deserve.   B/c this is not for the faint of heart.   And you are a Rockstar for Reclaiming YOUR Life!

XOXO

RML

[parisian]

Hi EJ, heart and hugs to you. All on this board understand a little of what you are experiencing.

Firstly, read everything you can on here. Lots of stories and tips from others will resonate and some will just click for you.

Secondly, try and shift your mindset - this is hard I know. When normal, healthy relationships end, we grieve for the good times we had, and for the good times in the future that we will no longer have. When r/ships with BPDs end, we suffer from a psychological condition known as a trauma bond break - google it and you will understand why the pain feels so terrible and why it is so hard to just walk away. Understanding what is happening might give some relief. There is nothing to grieve about the loss of future good times with someone with BPD, because those relationships never get better - only worse over time. Recovery for them is very difficult and only after years of therapy and alot of DBT work so the chance that they will suddenly get better without all that work is very very low. If you are ruminating and asking yourself how could she treat you that way, understand there is no logical or reasonable answer to that and you will turn yourself in knots asking that question. The answer to that question simply is 'because she has BPD'.

Thirdly, if you don't have children in the relationship or any other reason to genuinely be in contact, many find going No Contact as an absolute must in detaching from the pain. Staying in touch if you don't need to and aren't in a good place can sometimes delay our recovery.

Be kind to you. Reach out to family and friends, even if you don't feel like it. Try and get outdoors, even if it is just for a short walk around your block. Being outdoors in the sun and nature helps put things in perspective. Play music, dance alone in your living room, watch comedy on Youtube, start an exercise routine, learn to meditate, keep a Gratitude Journal of just three things in your life you are grateful for every day, to help focus on the positive things that you still do have.

Try journalling/writing about your feelings, the relationship, all the awful things she put you through. I found writing it all down helped immensely when I thought I was missing my ex, because reading back on her behaviour towards me really hit home about how on earth could I really miss those things?

It's great you are seeing a Therapist. Over time perhaps consider working on your core beliefs with your Therapist. Often we end up in these relationships because we are people pleasers and have co-dependency issues and poor boundaries, and it is useful to examine those and work on strengthening our boundaries.

Would you like to share the behaviours that made you and Therapist believe she had BPD?

[Mutt]

Hi EJ,



I'm sorry to hear that. You have a lot of good advice so far. It's a good step to get the help of a T and sharing and talking to a group of members that have walked a mile in your shoes and can connect with you from exoerience. Welcome to the family, it helps to talk.

[EJ]

   I would just like to thank each of you that read & replied to my post. I've felt so alone for the last 7 months. Although, my family and friends have been a great support, I've found myself sad & frustrated because they just didn't understand where I was coming from.

   

[Lonely_Astro]

   I would just like to thank each of you that read & replied to my post. I've felt so alone for the last 7 months. Although, my family and friends have been a great support, I've found myself sad & frustrated because they just didn't understand where I was coming from.

   

You aren't alone  .  I, too, took a second bite of the apple on a BPD relationship.  The first go around I didn't know she had it (and she claims she didn't either).  It was broken off and we didn't speak for 3 years.  She seemed to have gotten better (was diagnosed, went to "serious counseling" - I say that because in the beginning she told me it was DBT when in fact it wasn't) and we talked again, one thing led to another... .a year later, we've fallen apart.  The past year for us was a roller coaster too (arguing, silent treatment, she even dated another guy for a month before I found out).  She's recently started DBT (by her own accord) and I hope she continues (but I don't think she will - she made the comment that she was going for me and when our relationship was coming to a close that she was going to stop).

So where was I going with all that?  Oh yeah, please know you aren't alone and we all have had to heal in our own way from failed BPD relationships.  What is helping me, even though I know I still love her dearly, is that I know I am ok and I will move on after I grieve the loss (yes, it is a loss for me).  I won't miss the anxiety, the trust issues, the uncertainty, the betrayal, no.  I will miss the good times we had and I try not to slip into a role of negativity by offsetting the good she did show me with all the bad she showed me.  In the end, the bad outweighed the good and the relationship had to end (as r/s's do every day).  Was there drama?  Yes.  There was trauma as well.  She's mentally ill and I refuse to be abused anymore than I've already let her.

And before the kicker gets here of you asking yourself if any of it was real or not:  yes, it was all real.  She loved you up until the point she didn't.  One day, that will make sense.  It was told to me and stuck with me.  Maybe thats why this second time around has been a bit easier on me (even though I still have my moments!).

[LostGhost]

 

You're in a very painful situation right now. And you've come to the right place to work through your frustrations and feelings!

These BPD relationships can be like a hurricane. Some of us are about to enter the storm, some of us are standing in the eye of the storm in a very fragile and illusionary peace and calm and some of us are coming out of the storm on the other side after being battered and broken, left picking up the pieces. And for many of us, this isn't the first storm we've endured!

I'm just barely coming out of my second storm and when I say barely I mean 2 1/2 months but many days it still feels fresh! Those first weeks are excruciating! You say "Why me? Why did this happen? Why does this keep happening? What's the point of it all? It's too painful! I can't survive this! I've got nothing left to give!"

Some words that have been helping me and I want to share them with you in the hopes they help you too... .pain is temporary! It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place! If I quit, however, it lasts forever!

They may seem like just words but if you recite them every single day when you wake up, if you absorb them into your very core and believe in them with every breath you take going forward, I promise you... .these words are true! Things WILL get better. You're probably at a place that feels like rock bottom. Though it may not seem like it, rock bottom is the best place you can be. Rock bottom is a place where champions and legends are forged! Why? Because for those people who have never been hit so hard by life that they've been knocked down to rock bottom, for those people who are relatively comfortable in their lives and they appear to have no worries, they also have very little opportunity for growth!

So now while you're down here at rock bottom, it's time to drown out the noise. You know who you were. Now it's time to discover who you are going to become. Now is the time to focus on yourself, your dreams, your deepest aspirations, those things you thought weren't possible for yourself. It is time to learn new skills, new hobbies, to have new experiences and rewarding adventures. Now is the time to lay the blueprint that determines the rest of your life and how you're going to live it. Now is the time to decide you're a human being and you DESERVE to be treated with dignity, respect and compassion! Your relationship doesn't define you! Your failures don't define you! Your hardships in life don't define you! The way you've been treated doesn't define you! Only you have the right to define you!

It's not going to be easy. I wish I could say it was. But the simple truth is that it's going to hurt, it's going to sting, you're going to cry and you're going to suffer! And all of that immense pain, you can allow it to consume and destroy you OR when you're ready, you can use it as a source of fuel to drive you forward towards your future! Use it as a shield to protect you from harm and a weapon to vanquish all obstacles before you. You have been wounded but you will come back stronger and more determined than you ever thought possible!

And one day soon, these persons who have done you harm with callous disregard and lack of concern for your well being - they will see what you have become and you will look them in the eyes and say "Thank you! Yes that's right! Thank you for making me realize that this was ALWAYS inside of me!"

You won't feel any of this right now. But I promise you... .your pain is temporary. It will subside! It's up to you what takes its place!