Should I warn the next victim?

[sadandbroken]

I am morally bothered about the bpm that I dated for a year.I wish someone had warn me about him before I became a target.He has been elected in a leadership role in a scouting organization and that's how we met.We have been broke up for 2 weeks now.He has now found another vulnerable single mother out of the group to go after and I can see the same pattern of luring that he used with my son to get to me.Should I report him to the council? Should I warn the female? I really want peace in my life and do not want to be a target of vengeance but seriously its making me sick.Please help I need advice.

[letmeout]

If she isn't totally under his spell yet, you could have a little talk with her that she might take seriously. If no one else has reported him to the council, then I doubt any action would be taken.

I think I would leave an anonymous note for her suggesting that she read about Borderline Personality Disorder before she gets romantically involved with this person who has it.

[sadandbroken]

I'm not sure how to go about leaving a note and you are probably right about being under a spell. I believe there was another female before me.She left the troop abruptly shortly after we began dating.He had made her out to be crazy and the other male leaders asked her to leave when she accused him of sexually harassing her at a summer camp. I thought it seemed strange but I was under the spell and he kept saying she had a crush on him.I can only imagine what he has said about me now that we have broke up. I'm trying so hard to continue to support my son with scouts and he doesn't want to switch troops.This is so scary to take in. I had no idea that this disorder was so dangerous and up until 2 weeks ago didn't know what it was. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

[enlighten me]

Hi sadandbroken

It can be hard to stand back and watch someone go through what you did. There are a few things that you should consider before acting.

Firstly will you achieve what you hope. Im sure if my exs ex had warned me about her I wouldn't have listened and would have been more inclined to believe her tales of her ex being a crazed stalker.

Secondly how much of this is your hurt? I know that I wanted to warn my exs new boyfriend about her but I realise some of this was driven out of a form of revenge. I also realise that some was driven by wanting her to fail and come back to me. I felt invalidated and wanted her to come back and tell me I wasn't as bad as she made me out to be.

Thirdly if one of his exs has been driven away then by interfering is there a good chance that he will do this to you? Surely it is better to be in a position to back this other woman up if it goes horribly wrong for her and support her through what we Know is a difficult time.

[healingdaisy]

hi sadandbroken - I personally would tactfully drop a hint that you were very different people.  but imo BPD's  usually project so heavily onto the other person that he will cause you to look like a crazy, bitter ex.  I've found that once they've done it to more than one person in any social or occupational environment, other nons tend to take note and stay away.

[sadandbroken]

Yes, I think you are right.He projected others that he was involved with as being crazy.Although Im trying to stay peaceful so my son is less affected,its hard.I can only look at him as a preditore.He goes through the boys to get to their mother.He is not someone I would have went for right off the bat but my children adored him as used them to get to me.After thinking about things I know this new mother would not believe anything I said as I know that I would not have believed it when I was in that phase.I have chosen to remain quiet.Not only do the partners suffer the loss but the children do to.

[healingdaisy]

Yes, I think you are right.He projected others that he was involved with as being crazy.Although Im trying to stay peaceful so my son is less affected,its hard.I can only look at him as a preditore.He goes through the boys to get to their mother.He is not someone I would have went for right off the bat but my children adored him as used them to get to me.After thinking about things I know this new mother would not believe anything I said as I know that I would not have believed it when I was in that phase.I have chosen to remain quiet.Not only do the partners suffer the loss but the children do to.

that sounds like a good choice    it does sound very predatory in behaviour as (imo) mothers are the more emotionally driven gender and he does sound like he is using there connection to their children  as his 'way in'.  what an eye opener that awareness is!

[Herodias]

I feel the same way- it's like you want to warn anyone that's had a hard time with them... .I just found mine on a dating site and printed it thinking I would send it to the new gf. But he will just lie and manipulate his was out of it... , so what's the point! It does say he doesn't want children though and she does! Oh well... , I think for me it's best I let her find out on her own, she's too far in it. My friend says he will eventually get exposed for what he really is. She says it's awful they are able to go around deceiving everyone the way they do. I would in your case maybe get a little rumor out in the group since this seems to be a small camp situation... Maybe let someone know that she knows that something isn't quite right with him... maybe knowing you dating him, she'll ask. People are funny though. I know someone who just had a date with someone I used to date and she told our mutual friend not to tell me... .I don't know, people all have their own agendas. What we think I'd a warning they may take as jealousy. Their loss... .

[Mutt]

I am morally bothered about the bpm that I dated for a year.I wish someone had warn me about him before I became a target.He has been elected in a leadership role in a scouting organization and that's how we met.We have been broke up for 2 weeks now.He has now found another vulnerable single mother out of the group to go after and I can see the same pattern of luring that he used with my son to get to me.Should I report him to the council? Should I warn the female? I really want peace in my life and do not want to be a target of vengeance but seriously its making me sick.Please help I need advice.

Hi sadandbroken,

Good topic. BPD is primarily affective instability ( emotional ), poor impulse control, and self -destructive behaviors.

Borderline Personality Disorder psychopatology is primarily an impulse or affective emotional dysregulation disorder. Hatzitaskos et al. (1997) Gunderson, Links pg 56. 2nd ed.

I think that if we don't emotionally rescue, maintain good boundaries, boundaries take care of us, protect us and help us maintain healthier relationships. We're all  responsible for our own choices, actions and behaviors.

Let me pose you this question, is it a matter of the single mothers personal boundaries?

Are we responsible for someone else's boundaries?

What about our boundaries at the onset of the r/s with our pwBPD?

Thoughts?

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits