Feeling really positive about things today. We had the best weekend we've had in months. No fights! And even better, when the potential for blow ups occured, I didn't JADE or react in an emotional way. So let me just share those small victories.
Friday night we went to our usual small group bonfire. We enjoyed the evening but then the group began talking about plans for a huge Halloween bash that we are hosting for our group and other small groups. The person hosting at their house needs help with set up and decorations and supplies etc. so I suggested that we have a work day. Someone threw out the idea about working on Saturday, which means my uBPD could not attend because he had other things going on. I started to say that I would be available and felt H tense up (how can I sense it even though I'm not even looking at him?). So I said that H wasn't available tomorrow but we could help during the week. We left and I knew that I was close to a land mine. I had to choose my words carefully.
H. began to get upset that I was going to volunteer to the house of one of the other memebers to set up. He has accused me of wanting to cheat on him with this member, although that is the farthest thing from the truth. I validated that I could see he felt left out of the group and the decision process. When he didn't get the reaction he wanted from me, he began to accuse me of wanting to cheat on him. I ignored this completely and asked him questions about what he was feeling. He then began to go on about how many people would be there next week. I validated his anxiety and reminded him that it would be only people we know. He jumped back to cheating. I ignored it. I then told him I would really enjoy it if he and I could find something to do together for the party and he very quickly said that he wanted to help with my idea of creating a list of supplies needed. I just asked him questions about his input into the list and he quietly settled into planning mode with me. VICTORY!
On Saturday morning we were heading to prayer at church. Weirdest thing happened and his coffee cup literally jumped out of his hand without bumping anything. He got upset about the shirt and wanted to go home to change. (We live 40 minutes from church). I suggested we stop at Wal-green's to get a new shirt. He began to attack me as if it was my fault the coffee spilled. When I didn't respond, he began to attack himself saying how it doesn't matter what his clothes look like because no one likes him anyway and if they make fun of him it doesn't matter. I just simply asked him, "Who made fun of you?" He sheepishly said "No one. But they might." I said "I know it's really embarassing to spill things on yourself." Then I asked him, "Who do you think will make fun of you?" He said, "I don't know. I just think they will." He went in and bought a pack of T-shirts and began to complain about the cost. I told him he looked really good in the shirt and that he can use the extra's for work. Another VICTORY! (We need a cheering emoticon).
Last but not least. We are going through a LIFE group at church (Living in Freedom Everyday). This week's topics are about dealing with offenses, forgiveness, and the absolutely best--negative things we speak to ourselves, generational curses (things our parents spoke into our lives) and negative things we have spoken into others lives. I have a feeling our homework this week will lead to some major spiritual/mental changes for both of us! I'm really excited about it. H. has been noticing how he speaks negatively to himself and that it comes from things his dad used to say to him.
