What to do when...

[walbsy7]

What do you do when your pwBPD is incredibly "focused" on a few things in their mind. My wife is so incredibly stubborn/focused/concentrated/harping on/grilling/relentlessly upset about 3 issues, all of which are minor in the grand scheme of things.

The issues are... .

1) I promised her I would talk to my boss (semi confrontation) about how the office has not moved location yet, but then the company settled on a date which is about a week away, so I told her I have the info I needed the office is not moving and she insists I still talk to him about it because I made a "promise". She will not let it go, no matter what I say about how it is best for my work relationship, family, and everything to have that one be dropped. She threatens/attempts to call my work about 2x a week to "do it for me", with the end goal of me getting in trouble with work.

2) Since we have blowouts often, our neighbor (young female) apparently told my wife in passing when I was at work once that we need to keep it down. She had said that 2-3 times in the past but then said she never said anything. My wife is paranoid about what the neighbors think, and rightfully so I suppose. Anyway, she told me that she actually said it a few months back, and I said if she really said something that I would tell her to mind her own business. I do not recall if she later said that she never said anything, but I did not take what she said at complete face value. A week later she was moving out (originally planned a few months earlier), and I passed her as she was loading up her car and I asked how is the move going? She said stressful, and I said well good luck and walked in the house. My wife scolded me for flirting with her, then a week later she started using it as another case of me not defending her, and here we are 2 months later and that is still a huge issue.

3) I am not there emotionally for her. Yes this is probably an issue all the time, but she needs me to drop work all the time to come home to be with her. I do not know how to emotionally support her. I certainly feel like I do a good job in a logical world, I go to work and go home to her, every day. I spend every weekend with her, 100%. I do not have a personal life outside of my family life, but I do blow off steam on weekends and have personal time, i.e. shooting a basketball, playing video games, fantasy football, etc.

She will not stop mentioning this, and I feel like I have tried everything. The dysregulation does not ever end... .ever. how do I actually end it? What do I say? What am I not validating? When will she get tired? I feel the more she speaks the more energy she has about it, and of course the more I try I tend to shut down, and she keeps going and going.

Any advice?

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[waverider]

Need cannot be sated. She has a need for your presence to validate her view on life and everything that pops into her head, real or delusional. You end up being pressured to validate the invalid, or into weak JADE to excuse your inability to validate.

This has become the normal. She wont change from the normal out of choice.

If you want to change this normal then you have to change the boundaries around how much supply you will give and start to physically disengage. Of course this will cause drama as she claims abandonment and tries to drag you back to the status quo.

If staying there and saying nothing while she rants makes you feel brow beaten and depressed remove yourself , it is not healthy, it will compound creating series resentment, which flows into everything.