Almost out

[Jk416]

Noo... .I was almost free! Or at least I felt that way. 2 1/2 days of NC initiated by me for the first time! I stayed strong. No response to insulting voicemails or nasty texts. Until today... .when my uBPDxbf started with the camouflaged cry for help because his house is being foreclosed and he has been stressed out, trying to explain the reasons behind his erratic behavior. But everything is my fault because I can't understand that he's real stressed out. And I never cared about him because I'm ignoring him while he's going through all this. I don't know why I opened the door to communicating again. I just wanted him to know that I did care about what was happening to his home. But then I thought, why does it matter that he knows that if I'm really done? Why do I feel the need to defend myself to him. I knew he would do this. I know he's not going to change. I know I can't go back and I'm ok with that. I've been reading the lessons. And preparing myself, but fell into this obvious trap! Now he's telling me he wants to disappear... .smh. He hasn't self-harmed since I've been with him. And has no history of it that I know of. Should I just go NC again? Or try to get him help? Or what?

[once removed]

hey jk416 

"NC" is not a lifestyle, it is one tool of many that can aid in detachment. in other words, its not as if you blew a diet .

how are you feeling today? what do you want to do going forward?

[Jk416]

Hi once removed! Thanks for responding.I apologize for not posting sooner, after you took the time to check on me. I've been a mess. Bouncing from one emotion to the next: relieved, sad, scared, excited, everything except happy.

Last Friday I went to a therapy session and discussed how I had

neglected myself while with uBPDxbf over the past 13 months. My t suggested I spend the weekend reconnecting with myself, doing what I wanted to do without having to worry about him. Meanwhile, he was calling and texting during my session. He knew where I was. I felt so strong and excited after my session that I called him back. I told him that I had been neglecting myself while with him and needed to reconnect with myself. We had agreed that we were over days before. All of a sudden he wants to spend the weekend with me. We argued for about an hour until I finally caved. I felt terrible afterwards. Ashamed, embarrassed, powerless! I was so disgusted that I had agreed to meet him the next day that I just went to bed early, hoping that he would change his mind by morning, which isn't uncommon. But he didn't. We spent the rest of the weekend together. We talked and cried and had fun. It was a good mix of emotions. I don't know why I can't say no to him. I feel just as sick as he is for continuing this childish cycle.

We are not back together but he insists on being friends, even though I told him I wasn't ready for that. I don't know how to get out of this vortex. A big part of me wants to cut him off completely but I just can't make myself do it. I can't bare to think of him not being in my life. He has become my best friend. But knowing what life will be like with him, kinda makes my stomach hurt.

I honestly don't know what to do from here. I'm in therapy. I've sought spiritual advice. I'm going through the lessons. I just don't know where I'm going to find the strength to finally end this.

[Mutt]

Hi jk416,

I just want to say kudos for going NC for the first time. Don't be hard on yourself. Fall down 7 times get up 8. I can see how emotionally distressing this all feels. NC isn't a fast and hard rule. What did your T say?

[Jk416]

Thanks Mutt. When I left my t, she was proud of me for trying to move forward, acknowledging that there was nothing more I could to do to help my Ex. We came up with the weekend plans so that I would not sit home depressed. And as far as she knows I stuck to the plan. My next session is next Friday. She has never suggested I leave him. She just points out that I'm deserving of better. She really pushes me to take care of myself. I'm always putting my ex first. Life revolves around him.

[Mutt]

It sounds like you have a good T I couldn't help but notice your post. I recall having nauseous feelings in my stomach, feeling like I was on an emotional roller coaster with push / pull behavior. I always put my ex first and neglected my needs. You don't have to go through this alone. Welcome to the family.

[Jk416]

communicating with others who are going through or have made it through times like these has been super helpful. I'm sure you know how relationships with pwBPD can be isolating. Sometimes all I need is to vent to people who I know understand. It's been a tough road. I know it will be rough for quite some time longer. But people survive these life-suckers every day. This community peovides proof that I will be ok... .someday. And I desperately cling to that hope. So thanks to all of you!