Finding inner strength: getting out of the FOG

[unicorn2014]

Hi everyone   

I am back on this board after taking a hiatus on the undecided board. For those who are familiar with my story and disagree with my decision to stay, please refrain from posting on my thread as I am trying to move forward.

For those who are familiar with my story and can support my decision to stay in my relationship, please read on. If you are not familiar with my story and are interested, feel free to read on as well. 

As some of you know I've been experiencing a lot of conflict with my partner lately due to his involvement with my brother and my child's father. My family (me and my daughter) has been in crisis since last Monday when my daughter got exposed to my brother telling a story about the time he got arrested for domestic violence and told the police officer off. The next day I got a phone call from the sheriff because my daughter had been caught smoking marijuana and she tried to tell the sheriff off. Of course that didn't work because she's a minor so the sheriff called me. Long story short I texted my brother and asked him to call me because I felt his story had a bad influence on my daughter and I wanted him to correct it. My brother did not respond to my text and my dad called me the next day about another matter so I told him what happened. My dad told my brother what happened without going into specifics and also told my brother he needed to correct himself to my daughter. My brother still did not get back to me.

That is when I asked my partner to get involved.

The day before when my daughter got in trouble she had talked to my partner before she had talked to me because she didn't want to get in trouble with me so my partner actually knew more about the story then I did so I asked him to call my brother. What followed really dysregulated my partner, and we got into a huge fight that night. He had also been dealing with my child's father because my child's father had been intimidating me about money and my partner had to step in and tell my child's father that his child support was not enough and that he was filling in the gaps. Dealing with my child's father also dysregulated my partner. I had talked about this on my other thread.

This brings us up to today and the FOG.

Yesterday my partner had to deal with my child's father again because once again he had inserted himself into my life in a very disruptive manner involving my daughter and was now using the information my partner gave him as a weapon against me. My partner had told my former partner that I have PTSD and that when he attacks me it makes me go ballistic. My partner told my former partner this in the interesting of helping him out since my former partner had complained to my current partner about how I communicate.

So, I made the mistake of yesterday telling my partner that if he was going to be irritated he was not going to be much use to me because I was remembering what happened to him last week after dealing with my brother and my child's father. This really offended my partner. What I was trying to say to him was that he needed to take a step back. Instead he took that as a rejection and when he made a pass at me and I rejected it because I was exhausted he got irate with me.

We had one of those arguments last night where he said I said one thing and I said no I didn't I said another thing. He had me doubting myself.

I realize I am jumping all the way down to the bottom of the staying lessons, and right now everything is bleeding into everything else. I'm trying to work on my relationship with my  mother but I have little contact with her so these issues are cropping up with my partner.

I hope this makes sense.

Again, if you disagree with my decision to stay in my relationship please don't post as I'm looking for support right now.

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Welcome back to the staying board!

Listen... .I'm guessing that since you are detailing out the story with your daughter... .that it is the current "big" issue that is on your mind.

That is where I'll direct my comments... .if you are looking for advice or support in another area.

Boundaries:  When I was newer here I resisted them... .because I wasn't familiar with them.  I would do like you do and involve others thinking they would "help".

Big concept to think on.  Boundaries work both ways!

Just like a person with strong boundaries is not going to let people into business that is not theirs... .those people will recognize that "the business" at hand is  theirs... .and not involved other people.

Less is more... .

So... .the real issue here (to me) is your daughters behavior.  It may... .or may not have to do with whatever story she heard.  Even if it is due to a story she heard... .she needs strong boundaries so that weird stories don't affect her.

So... .if we look at it from the point of view of whose business it is... .it's your daughters business... .and you are the parent... .so you are in it too.

Adding others that are not involved will Exponentially increase the potential for problems.  If they say the wrong thing... .reveal info they shouldn't... .etc etc.

Remember... .less is more

Again... welcome back. 

Teenagers are fun... . .  I will have a teenager in my house for 17 more years... .

I have had teenagers in my house for 8 years now... .

I feel tired just typing that... .   

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi form flier, and thank you for your response.

Here's what went down last week: the sherif called me, I called my daughter, her dad called me. She had called her dad because she was afraid I would get mad at her. He's an active drug user, I haven't used drugs in over a decade. (She got in trouble for being high out in public) when I called her she did not answer so I asked my partner to call her to see if she would take his call. Her father told me my partner called her while they were on the phone. My daughter returned my partner's phone call before she returned mine. He had to reassure her that I still loved her even though I was mad at her.

The way this ties into my partner is he became dysregulated from all this activity. The way this ties into the FOG is last night we got into a fight because I told him if he was irritated he wouldn't be much use to me. I believe he felt rejected by this. I was actually saying this out of compassion for him, I was trying to tell him to take a break from solving my problems because it seemed to be stressing him out. I didn't want another dysregulation episode on my hands.

[formflier]

Hi form flier, and thank you for your response.

Here's what went down last week: the sherif called me, I called my daughter, her dad called me. 

I think at this point you were still good... .once the calling circle expanded outside of this group... .it started to create more problems than it solved.

Teens do frustrating things.  Many times I wonder if they do it to "grab" attention.  You'll never know for sure... .

Whatever can be done to not treat teen issues like a "crisis"... .even if you think it is a crisis... .is good for the interaction.

Try to slow things down... .

Move from your crisis over this to their consequence... .let them deal with the consequences... .


FF

[Turkish]

The way this ties into my partner is he became dysregulated from all this activity. The way this ties into the FOG is last night we got into a fight because I told him if he was irritated he wouldn't be much use to me. I believe he felt rejected by this. I was actually saying this out of compassion for him, I was trying to tell him to take a break from solving my problems because it seemed to be stressing him out. I didn't want another dysregulation episode on my hands.

I think you see this as invalidating him, right?

This is a complicated situation. There are lots of players here, and multiple triangles, with people entering the triangles, leaving, switching roles. You, fiancée,.her father, brother, dad, and of course your daughter, who is probably in the  "victim" role no matter who else enters her personal drama triangle.

Is there a way to step back a bit from this? It looks to me that the players are contributing to adding fuel to the flames, so to speak. Your brother has his limitations, as do your daughter's father, and your fiancée. Not sure about grandpa here, and your teen is a teen.

Your fiancée has his emotional limitations. However, he's been brought into your daughter's life as a step-dad. It seems from what you wrote that he's a positive male figure for her. He being too involved in her relationships with her father and her uncle may be too much at this point. You and he have your own issues to work out for now. The triangles seem to be overlapping here.

What do you think?

[unicorn2014]

Hi form flier, and thank you for your response.

Here's what went down last week: the sherif called me, I called my daughter, her dad called me.  

I think at this point you were still good... .once the calling circle expanded outside of this group... .it started to create more problems than it solved.

Teens do frustrating things.  Many times I wonder if they do it to "grab" attention.  You'll never know for sure... .

Whatever can be done to not treat teen issues like a "crisis"... .even if you think it is a crisis... .is good for the interaction.

Try to slow things down... .

Move from your crisis over this to their consequence... .let them deal with the consequences... .


FF

Thank you for your second response.

I called my daughter, she ignored me and called her father and then he called me. Her father is an active drug user. I'm the custodial parent.

Getting caught being high out in public is a crisis.

Where do you suggest I get emotional support?

[unicorn2014]

The way this ties into my partner is he became dysregulated from all this activity. The way this ties into the FOG is last night we got into a fight because I told him if he was irritated he wouldn't be much use to me. I believe he felt rejected by this. I was actually saying this out of compassion for him, I was trying to tell him to take a break from solving my problems because it seemed to be stressing him out. I didn't want another dysregulation episode on my hands.

I think you see this as invalidating him, right?

This is a complicated situation. There are lots of players here, and multiple triangles, with people entering the triangles, leaving, switching roles. You, fiancée,.her father, brother, dad, and of course your daughter, who is probably in the  "victim" role no matter who else enters her personal drama triangle.

Is there a way to step back a bit from this? It looks to me that the players are contributing to adding fuel to the flames, so to speak. Your brother has his limitations, as do your daughter's father, and your fiancée. Not sure about grandpa here, and your teen is a teen.

Your fiancée has his emotional limitations. However, he's been brought into your daughter's life as a step-dad. It seems from what you wrote that he's a positive male figure for her. He being too involved in her relationships with her father and her uncle may be too much at this point. You and he have your own issues to work out for now. The triangles seem to be overlapping here.

What do you think?

I think you have a good grasp on it. I did have a problem with validating my partner which is why I moved over to the undecided board. I am sure what he calls abuse was my invalidating him.

My partner said he was inoculated against my brother and my former partner. My daughter actually claimed my partner as her stepdad. I didn't impose that relationship on her.

My brother, my dad, and her dad are out of the picture now. My partner talked to his therapist today about her dad  and was given some good advice.

It sounds like I need to start at the top of the finding inner strength lessons.

[formflier]

Where do you suggest I get emotional support?

That is an excellent question.

"Counting" on a pwBPD traits for emotional support is not a good plan.

That seems to have proved itself out in this most recent scenario.

If you limit it to emotional support... .is you Dad a possibility?  I'm seeing emotional support as not getting into details but ":)ad... .how did you do it when I was growing up... .I'm so stressed with my daughter... .so many issues... .not enough time... .etc etc"

Is that a role you Dad can play?  Not a problem solver... .but a kind... .validating presence in your life... .that your hard work is worth it... .

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi form flier, Ty 4 responding again.

Unfortunately my dad is part of the problem. He has narcissistic traits, won't talk to his mother, is estranged from his sisters, bought drugs from my child's father when we were in college. He neglected me as a teen. No there's no emotional support there. That's what I'm trying to get you to understand. I was neglected by everybody until I met my partner. My child's father neglected me too.


Everything has been good with my fiancé except for these couple of instances of dysregulation. I was trying to write about the FOG because someone had linked me to it on the coping board and I had already read it on the undecided board so I decided to write about it here.


How does this connect to what I'm writing here? Well, I left out a part from this mornings argument because it was too embarrassing to me and I figure it's time I talk about it.


Yesterday my fiancé sent me a text that he would like to take me to bed while I was lying down trying to take a nap so I could go and meet my daughter at the park. I had let her go out for a bike ride  for an hour, she is still grounded for what happened last week, but she needs exercise. I was exhausted yesterday as there was more drama from child's father which I didn't tell the board about. My child's father is a sociopathic , immature, active drug user with possible untreated bipolar. I got a phone call from him yesterday morning while I was trying to take a nap as I was exhausted from having to ground my daughter over the weekend. The phone call involved my daughter so I had to take it. She had texted him to tell him her ex boyfriends sister was harassing her and he called me to tell me about it. I already knew about it and had already emailed the school counselor the previous night. (This story is very long and not relevant to this topic or board.)

Needless to say my partner was not happy with how I responded to him, which was to tell him I was exhausted . We argued about it and I thought the matter was over but then when I woke up this morning I found some texts from yesterday that I hadn't read that were reprimanding me for rejecting him. Keep in mind he lives 2600 miles from me, we're not married, he's not divorced, supposedly we're all Christians.

So how does this tie into the FOG? I was not happy with him chastising me for rejecting him. My former husband expected sexual favors for work done and I told my current fiancée there's no way I will ever allow my future husband to talk to me like that. My fiancée backed down and apologized.

I told my fiancée yesterday that when I'm exhausted sex is the furthest thing from my mind. He told me he was just trying to express affection to me and I'm still mad at him for initiating a relationship with me before he was divorced in the first place.

[unicorn2014]

Hi former flier, he's 2,000 miles away not 2,600 miles away. Nevertheless I'm not allowing him to make plans to see me or fly me out to see him until his divorce is filed. He's supposed to show me his escrow papers tomorrow as well as tell me about his next steps on his divorce.


I'm personally conflicted having been in a relationship with him outside of church and outside of Christianity and then he said never touch me sexually  again until we were married.


The subject of sex is a complex and complicated one.


I explained to him the thought of him taking me to bed in my 2 bedroom apt I share with my daughter does not do it for me.

[formflier]

 

I think your comments about focusing on inner strength lessons are spot on.

The question still hangs out there.  Who do you count on for emotional support?

Right now I'm not seeing anyone that you can "count on".

It may appear at times that your partner is "there for you"... .and in that moment... .he is.

However, during another moment when you are "painted black" or he is focused on something else, it is very likely he will let you down.


best to focus on you!

FF

[unicorn2014]

Ff, my partner vehemently denies he splits and he got mad at me for accusing him of that. I don't do that anymore. He accused me of taking what I read in swoe and applying it to him even when it didn't fit.

[formflier]

Ff, my partner vehemently denies he splits and he got mad at me for accusing him of that. I don't do that anymore. He accused me of taking what I read in swoe and applying it to him even when it didn't fit.

Hopefully your answer back to him was something along the lines of "Sorry you feel that way" or perhaps if you can identify an emotion... .validate that.

I don't discuss "BPD" or books or conversations... .or "tactics" with my wife.  Even items we have discussed in marriage counseling... .are best left not talked about.

Best is to just "do" the advice.

Remember... .pwBPD traits "hear" accusations when there are none. 

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF, if he tells me sorry I feel that way I get mad at him because that feels patronizing to me. He can't apologize for how I feel, only for offensive behavior. I am afraid to validate his rejection because as I mentioned above I am conflicted about our past relationship due to the factors mentioned above: he wasn't divorced, I was supposedly a church person. And I did not like him telling me "is that any way to talk to your partner?" And I told him as much. I felt like he was scolding me and I will not be scolded by a man who wants to marry me for telling him I was exhausted when he told me he wanted to take me to bed. He was 2,000 miles away and I had been dealing with my actively drug using ex husband as well as my teen and the school counselor because my daughter was getting harassed at school. Of course I was exhausted, so the fantasy of him taking me to bed was not welcome when I was trying to take a nap!

[formflier]

 

 

In cases like that... .I sometimes use... ."I am not able to continue a conversation right now... ." or... ."I need to go to bed now... .I hope you sleep well... ."

Make it about you... .keep it short... .end the conversation.

FF

[unicorn2014]

 

In cases like that... .I sometimes use... ."I am not able to continue a conversation right now... ." or... ."I need to go to bed now... .I hope you sleep well... ."

Make it about you... .keep it short... .end the conversation.

FF

Thank you, this conversation was in the afternoon when I was trying to take a nap, and it was either by phone or text, I don't remember. He was 2,000 miles away when he made that comment  and we have no plans to see each other until I know for sure that his divorce has been filed. We're supposed to talk about that this afternoon.

I don't know what I was supposed to say when he told me he would like to take me to bed and I'm exhausted and trying to take a nap. The last thing I want to do is think about engaging in any form of activity. He said he was trying to express affection. I didn't really care, and no, I didn't say that to him.