Codependence

[Carmen]

I have just read the article on Codependence and recognise that I am definitely a codependent enabler with my now 89 year old BPD mother, who insists on living 'independently '; however, she has never been officially diagnosed as such, her GP told me, when approached by my concerns, 'I don't know much about BPD except in a lecture he was at he was told to 'never marry one!'

I have been 'enabling' I realise, all my life, as did my father, as does her now separated but still guided by his own conscious, 84 yr old ex partner, who visits 4 days a week to take her out for lunch, (she eats only a few mouthfuls, but downs 3 glasses of wine) bring shopping in.

Mum now weighs 41 kg, is increasingly frail and forgetful.

I limit my visits to once or twice a week & an invite to visit my husband & I for Sunday lunch fortnightly. I have had counselling a few years ago which resulted in my leaving mum completely for 2 years as I couldn't deal with the setting boundaries 'game playing'. But I resumed our relationship 2 years ago on the urging by my now deceased brother, & I think , know I am enmeshed again.

I am now retired, as is my poor, long suffering & supportive husband. I was a nurse, even worked in the community & aged care, so find it so hard to know how to break this unhealthy relationship. My husband finds it hard to even look at her, has put a block on my mobile phone so I don't hear her endless phone calls, & can answer in my own time. We have her for Sunday lunch, more out of respect for her ex, so he doesn't have to take her out, or cook for her. Yes, he cooks, as she doesn't, or won't. She refuses any outside help, including community services.

I am at my wits end, as I do love her, but she is putting a strain on my husband & even grown up children, grandchildren who prefer not to see her at all. Having broken up with her before, I don't feel I can do this again, I am cowardly waiting 'for something to happen' that causes her to go to hospital, or hopefully pass away peacefully in her own home.

Is there some advice  you can give me? Yes, she totally occupies my thoughts, most of the time, but how do you get rid of the habits of a lifetime?

[Turkish]

I don't think you're cowardly at all. You're in pain, looking for a surcease of sorrow. I've thought the same thing for a while, that letting my mom "die on the mountain" as she says she wants to, might be best. My mom has no one else. It sounds like your mom has driven away everyone else.

You did well on setting boundaries before, but I sense you continue now more out of obligation to your brother's wishes. Is this where you remain stuck, for him rather than for her? Was he the previously enmeshed one, the golden child?

[unicorn2014]

HI Carmen, I don't have advice but I do have empathy. 

I believe my 90+ year old grandmother has BPD and she infected the family tree with it.

She's been in hospice for 6 months.

I try to see her every other week.

My dad won't go see her even though my aunt says he is her favorite child.

It's painful.

She wrote my dad out of her will, or consented to have my other aunt write him out of her will.

It's really painful.

My mom, whom I think has BPD traits doesn't like her.

I'm preparing to read surviving a borderline parent. Have you read that?

[Carmen]

  Thanks for your support. Yes, my brother was 'the golden child ' but he was able to spend most of his life in remote places of the world & just 'pop in'. Never spent more than 20 mins in her company, & get away with it! He did apologise to me before he died that he had encouraged me 'to have the balls' & see mum again as 'she spoke of me every day'. He didn't understand how toxic she is to me. Emotional vampire is a good term! But I now realise that he was possibly a hermit type of BPD, having failed relationships & lack of ability to empathise.

I stay, not because of him now, but of my choice not to leave.

I learned such a lot about BPD a couple of years ago, had lots of counselling when I 'lost myself' & am so grateful for the education. I am a lot stronger than before, but realise I need to retread the healthy boundaries and taking care of myself bit again. I reached a stage when I just wanted to not read anymore on BPD as it seemed to overwhelm me. A counsellor explained that I had a 'tired brain'. The constant dealing with a BPD parent is exhausting!

This site is fantastic in its support & education.I am so pleased I got back into using it. Thank you.