Finally: Leaving

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been 2 1/2 years since I posted last.  Marriage broke apart with uBPDh, I fell apart probably the last year or so as well.  I was granted a protective order a few months ago that will last well until next year or until or divorce, which should be finalized next week.  I have had full custody of our kids since PO, he has had limited visitation through 3rd party and has probably not even spent 3 or 4 hours over the span of three evenings with them in 8 weeks.  Before PO, he had even less contact with them over the course of 4 or 5 months.

I want to give him and I closure, so we can heal for our children.  I have been fighting this urge incredibly hard to not contact him, for myself, our children, and him. I know from what I have learned on this website how crucial NC is.  Part of me is ready to forgive, let go, and let him try his best for our kids.  Although this does not mean giving him another chance at marriage, just to get things right asap with our children.  The other wants him to be held accountable for so many things. I also know he isn't healing and headed for another relationship ending in disaster.  

Any thoughts how you are handling or handled a similar situation?  Outcome?  I will be posting reasons for PO and divorce in next post.  

[wellnowonder]

It's been 2 1/2 years since I posted last.  Marriage broke apart with uBPDh, I fell apart probably the last year or so as well.  I was granted a protective order a few months ago that will last well until next year or until or divorce, which should be finalized next week.  I have had full custody of our kids since PO, he has had limited visitation through 3rd party and has probably not even spent 3 or 4 hours over the span of three evenings with them in 8 weeks.  Before PO, he had even less contact with them over the course of 4 or 5 months.

I want to give him and I closure, so we can heal for our children.  I have been fighting this urge incredibly hard to not contact him, for myself, our children, and him. I know from what I have learned on this website how crucial NC is.  Part of me is ready to forgive, let go, and let him try his best for our kids.  Although this does not mean giving him another chance at marriage, just to get things right asap with our children.  The other wants him to be held accountable for so many things. I also know he isn't healing and headed for another relationship ending in disaster.  

Any thoughts how you are handling or handled a similar situation?  Outcome?  I will be posting reasons for PO and divorce in next post.  

[Turkish]

There's a lot going on here wellsnowonder, but it's good that you and your kids are safe. 

Even though the kids are naturally involved here, adult issues are adult issues, and kid issues are theirs. What's been said, age-appropriately? How are they handlng what sounds like an absentee father? What kinds of things do you say to them when they ask questions?

[Teereese]

I am glad that you and the kids are safe. The most important thing you can do is take care of you.

I am reaching the end of the divorce process. My kids are late teens and they have little to no contact with their father because he has alienated them.

I do not feel any need to give him closure, we are done, divorced. The only closure I need to give is to myself.

He is responsible to get things right with his children, on their terms, through therapy, at his cost. They have suffered and have learned boundaries and self protection.

[wellnowonder]

There's a lot going on here wellsnowonder, but it's good that you and your kids are safe. 

Even though the kids are naturally involved here, adult issues are adult issues, and kid issues are theirs. What's been said, age-appropriately? How are they handlng what sounds like an absentee father? What kinds of things do you say to them when they ask questions?

Absolutely, I've been careful w/ my words and from what kids tell me he has not said anything. 

As far as healing for them, I mean from what they have witnessed particularly this year.  And he has expressed guilt on these occasions to me prior to PO.  Also I want them to have a relationship.  I believe part of his uBPD is due to his parents divorce when he was very young.  I've taken him to a psychologist and counselor in the past and his parents divorce was the first words out of his mouth and he cried like nobody should as an adult over something they had no control of as a child.  I am so afraid how our divorce will affect our children, especially the youngest.

I want closure between him and I so he knows I certainly have a degree of compassion for him and let him know despite his behavoir I know there is a good person there.  He went on a smear campaign to everyone he could after separation and after PO.  I never thought he would take things that far but I didn't retaliate or divulge details to anyone or to anyone who repeated his words back to me.  Nobody knows about his uBPD except him, I, and maybe one or two of his family members and ex gf's, and my best friend. 

[wellnowonder]

I am glad that you and the kids are safe. The most important thing you can do is take care of you.

I am reaching the end of the divorce process. My kids are late teens and they have little to no contact with their father because he has alienated them.

I do not feel any need to give him closure, we are done, divorced. The only closure I need to give is to myself.

He is responsible to get things right with his children, on their terms, through therapy, at his cost. They have suffered and have learned boundaries and self protection.

Good point.  I do believe kids, and although mine are younger than yours, still have a good sense of what is going on.

I finally had somebody look at me and say to me this is not your fault do not apologize or feel responsible.  Your post just reminded me of this!

[Teereese]

Good point.  I do believe kids, and although mine are younger than yours, still have a good sense of what is going on.

I finally had somebody look at me and say to me this is not your fault do not apologize or feel responsible.  Your post just reminded me of this!

Good! That somebody was right!

I have had to be reminded of the same by others so many times over the past few months.