Numb and can't feel anymore

[citylist]

So, to re-cap all my other posts. I have moved over to the "leaving" section. This is the 4th time I have filed for divorce. The other 3 times my BPD wife managed to "get it together" and change meds, see a therapist, read book etc and I would drop the divorce. After the 3rd time, she claimed that this was a tactic to control. I assure you, it was not a means of control. I had made this horrible decision 3 times to call it quits after 13 years. Very, very hard to leave a loved one who is sick. I felt like I let her hand go, hanging off of a cliff, because I didnt "try hard enough". Now I am in the middle of the 4th divorce. This time I am convinced that this is for the best, for everybody. There are a lot of reasons I could convince myself to stay but now, I am numb and cant "feel" anymore. Which makes it easier emotionally. My BPD has recently been weened off of Lamictal due to long term stomach issues from it. She is now more paranoid than ever and doing some really freaky things and blaming them on me. This is a daily occurrence from morning to night. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced this at all in any way cuz I feel like I have lost my mind. She put 3 pill bottles in her purse and said I did that to mess with her head. She opens the cupboard doors, moves plants, turns the furnace heat up, lets the dog outside, takes my son's toys and disposes of them, takes pictures off of the wall etc. She blames this all on me and denies all of it. Then she yells at me for hours begging me to get help. I just listen, and record, with her knowing it. She has her few friends "convinced" that I do these things. My friends who know her dont even come around anymore and tell me shes crazy and that I just dont see it. Well, I do see it. I just feel like I have to be absolute that there is nothing more I can do. I am convinced. Now she is trying harder than ever to convince me that I am the one doing all of these things including doing coke, having multiple affairs, trying to manipulate her friends and what little family she has left that will speak to her, hacking her phone, computers etc. She is SO good that I almost believe it. I KNOW this is not true but I am an open mind to anything. I am in her mental disorder grasp and starting to loose it. She is angry and violent, cunning and mischievous. It's almost like she has Alzheimer or dementia or something. Has anyone been thru this ever? The divorce should be over in about a month and I can move on with the rest of my life hopefully, but maybe the worst is yet to come. I cry and pray all the time and stay in touch with my friends and family who I HATE to keep bothering anymore. I see a therapist once a week who is encouraging but its only 45 minutes a week. I cant find a support group anywhere for family of BPD's and that really sucks. My friends and family dont really understand.

Is there anyone else going thru any of this? Is this normal behavior? Is there something else going on? God I need some relief. I go to work, go home and do nothing. I am as quiet as a mouse. I am completely innocent of all of her accusations.

Thanks for listening to me

[Flexion]

So, to re-cap all my other posts. I have moved over to the "leaving" section. This is the 4th time I have filed for divorce. The other 3 times my BPD wife managed to "get it together" and change meds, see a therapist, read book etc and I would drop the divorce. After the 3rd time, she claimed that this was a tactic to control. I assure you, it was not a means of control. I had made this horrible decision 3 times to call it quits after 13 years. Very, very hard to leave a loved one who is sick. I felt like I let her hand go, hanging off of a cliff, because I didnt "try hard enough". Now I am in the middle of the 4th divorce. This time I am convinced that this is for the best, for everybody. There are a lot of reasons I could convince myself to stay but now, I am numb and cant "feel" anymore. Which makes it easier emotionally. My BPD has recently been weened off of Lamictal due to long term stomach issues from it. She is now more paranoid than ever and doing some really freaky things and blaming them on me. This is a daily occurrence from morning to night. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced this at all in any way cuz I feel like I have lost my mind. She put 3 pill bottles in her purse and said I did that to mess with her head. She opens the cupboard doors, moves plants, turns the furnace heat up, lets the dog outside, takes my son's toys and disposes of them, takes pictures off of the wall etc. She blames this all on me and denies all of it. Then she yells at me for hours begging me to get help. I just listen, and record, with her knowing it. She has her few friends "convinced" that I do these things. My friends who know her dont even come around anymore and tell me shes crazy and that I just dont see it. Well, I do see it. I just feel like I have to be absolute that there is nothing more I can do. I am convinced. Now she is trying harder than ever to convince me that I am the one doing all of these things including doing coke, having multiple affairs, trying to manipulate her friends and what little family she has left that will speak to her, hacking her phone, computers etc. She is SO good that I almost believe it. I KNOW this is not true but I am an open mind to anything. I am in her mental disorder grasp and starting to loose it. She is angry and violent, cunning and mischievous. It's almost like she has Alzheimer or dementia or something. Has anyone been thru this ever? The divorce should be over in about a month and I can move on with the rest of my life hopefully, but maybe the worst is yet to come. I cry and pray all the time and stay in touch with my friends and family who I HATE to keep bothering anymore. I see a therapist once a week who is encouraging but its only 45 minutes a week. I cant find a support group anywhere for family of BPD's and that really sucks. My friends and family dont really understand.

Is there anyone else going thru any of this? Is this normal behavior? Is there something else going on? God I need some relief. I go to work, go home and do nothing. I am as quiet as a mouse. I am completely innocent of all of her accusations.

Thanks for listening to me Steve

I feel your pain, my friend! A small disagreement turns into a blood bath of personal attacks. And, at  times, even violence. My wife recently broke her hand punching me from behind.

The accusations will always be there from what I understand. My wife, for example, doesn't trust anyone... .including me.

My wife NEVER accepts responsibility for her actions. But, if I've ever retaliated with words, she holds them forever and expects blood. Her abuse is "justified' in her mind because "I'm so evil!"

IN fact, she says "if you were who you are, I would not be like this... .you do this to me! nobody has ever got me this angry!" she moves on to whatever pops in her mind.

I am in no place to give advice. The only advice I can give as a former church Pastor is PRAY and keep yourself pure.

[Ashamedandangry]

Citylist:

I am soo sorry for what you have gone through and still going through.  I wish I could give you some advice or to even answer most of your questions.  I am new to this site also and I too am suffering from the insanity, rollercoaster ride and heartbreak that comes with this crazy disorder.  My exBPD left me a month ago, and when he left he moved in with one of the many women he cheated on me with for 7 years.  He accused me of all of the things that he did to me, he almost had me convinced I did all of the things his warped mind told him I did.  My world has been turned upside down, and I too thought that I was losing my sanity.  They are the best manipulators I have ever come across in my 45 years.  My family and friends don't understand and can't understand what I have gone though.  I hear a lot of, How could you still love him, Just get over it.  They fail to realize that if I could get over it, HELLO I would!  And of course I love him, it's 7 years of my life, time, love, patience and sanity that I have devoted and spent with this BPD individual.  I feel alone most of the time because this is my reality and my feelings.  I just hope that in time you will find the answers to all of the questions that you seek, I hope you find your happiness again, because we all deserve it.  Once again I am sorry I couldn't answer your questions, but I am here to go through emotional journey together on this site.  It has helped me to just release all of this pent up hurt, there are alot of people on this site that have experienced all of the things we have gone through and they are a great support system.  Good Luck and hang in there

[Flexion]

Citylist:

I am soo sorry for what you have gone through and still going through.  I wish I could give you some advice or to even answer most of your questions.  I am new to this site also and I too am suffering from the insanity, rollercoaster ride and heartbreak that comes with this crazy disorder.  My exBPD left me a month ago, and when he left he moved in with one of the many women he cheated on me with for 7 years.  He accused me of all of the things that he did to me, he almost had me convinced I did all of the things his warped mind told him I did.  My world has been turned upside down, and I too thought that I was losing my sanity.  They are the best manipulators I have ever come across in my 45 years.  My family and friends don't understand and can't understand what I have gone though.  I hear a lot of, How could you still love him, Just get over it.  They fail to realize that if I could get over it, HELLO I would!  And of course I love him, it's 7 years of my life, time, love, patience and sanity that I have devoted and spent with this BPD individual.  I feel alone most of the time because this is my reality and my feelings.  I just hope that in time you will find the answers to all of the questions that you seek, I hope you find your happiness again, because we all deserve it.  Once again I am sorry I couldn't answer your questions, but I am here to go through emotional journey together on this site.  It has helped me to just release all of this pent up hurt, there are alot of people on this site that have experienced all of the things we have gone through and they are a great support system.  Good Luck and hang in there

I am new here as well. Sorry for both of your troubles... .deeply. ANyone that has a BPD spouseunderstand how everyday is a challenge. I understand not wanting to give up on the one you LOVE! IT's hard! I have convinced myself to leave 100 times. But, I see her pain and I want to help. I love her! I do! To hear her say how she feels about the way I feel about her, breaks my heart. HOw can you put up with SO SO SO much abuse  and be told you don't love them or lack some emotional part?

I am 43 and was married 17 years before. NEVER did I go through anything remotely like this and my ex cheated. We still have an awesome relationship.

I'm in year 8 and it's been a miserable 8 years. SOrry for the negativity!

[Ashamedandangry]

I am new here as well. Sorry for both of your troubles... .deeply. ANyone that has a BPD spouseunderstand how everyday is a challenge. I understand not wanting to give up on the one you LOVE! IT's hard! I have convinced myself to leave 100 times. But, I see her pain and I want to help. I love her! I do! To hear her say how she feels about the way I feel about her, breaks my heart. HOw can you put up with SO SO SO much abuse  and be told you don't love them or lack some emotional part?

I am 43 and was married 17 years before. NEVER did I go through anything remotely like this and my ex cheated. We still have an awesome relationship.

I'm in year 8 and it's been a miserable 8 years. SOrry for the negativity!


Jaxfitguy:

You're not being negative at all.  My heart goes out to you and everyone else that is going through this BPD love hate relationship.  I have come to realize that it really doesn't matter to me what family, friends may say about all of the, How could you still love him, Get over it.  No one can understand this roller coaster ride better than the loved ones of the BPD individual.  I myself feel like I am my worst enemy.  I think about all of my past relationships and I do a pattern.  I always wondered why I continued to attract these painful relationships, and the reality is, I have a lot of issues within myself regarding how my mom treated me and how I watched my dad treat my mom.  Little girls learn to love a man through their dads and little boys learn to love women through their moms.  I am mother to two amazing children, a 10 year old autistic little boy who is my WORLD, and my 23 year old daughter who is my world also.  I would never want for my children to ever feel unloved or neglected.  But I haven't been too good to me.  I am a helper and fixer when it comes to the ones I love, and I have learned you can't fix people or help those who in reality don't want help.  As I write this my heart just aches, I just want for the hurt to just disappear.  I am still longing for my exBPD, I long for the good that was there, but I have to accept that maybe, just maybe he never loved me at all, I already knew that but didn't want to believe that I was unlovable.  He has definitely moved on, he moved on way before he walked out of the door and my life.  He is living with one of the many women he cheated on me with and that cuts deep.  I always said that I would rather have been hit just once by him then to have had to deal with all of his cheating, and lying, and manipulating, and cruelty.  Because at least the hit would have hurt for the moment but the emotional and mental abuse, basically left me shattered.  I am still waiting for the light at the end of tunnel, because right now all I see is darkness.  I wish you all well  

[Flexion]

I am new here as well. Sorry for both of your troubles... .deeply. ANyone that has a BPD spouseunderstand how everyday is a challenge. I understand not wanting to give up on the one you LOVE! IT's hard! I have convinced myself to leave 100 times. But, I see her pain and I want to help. I love her! I do! To hear her say how she feels about the way I feel about her, breaks my heart. HOw can you put up with SO SO SO much abuse  and be told you don't love them or lack some emotional part?

I am 43 and was married 17 years before. NEVER did I go through anything remotely like this and my ex cheated. We still have an awesome relationship.

I'm in year 8 and it's been a miserable 8 years. SOrry for the negativity!


Jaxfitguy:

You're not being negative at all.  My heart goes out to you and everyone else that is going through this BPD love hate relationship.  I have come to realize that it really doesn't matter to me what family, friends may say about all of the, How could you still love him, Get over it.  No one can understand this roller coaster ride better than the loved ones of the BPD individual.  I myself feel like I am my worst enemy.  I think about all of my past relationships and I do a pattern.  I always wondered why I continued to attract these painful relationships, and the reality is, I have a lot of issues within myself regarding how my mom treated me and how I watched my dad treat my mom.  Little girls learn to love a man through their dads and little boys learn to love women through their moms.  I am mother to two amazing children, a 10 year old autistic little boy who is my WORLD, and my 23 year old daughter who is my world also.  I would never want for my children to ever feel unloved or neglected.  But I haven't been too good to me.  I am a helper and fixer when it comes to the ones I love, and I have learned you can't fix people or help those who in reality don't want help.  As I write this my heart just aches, I just want for the hurt to just disappear.  I am still longing for my exBPD, I long for the good that was there, but I have to accept that maybe, just maybe he never loved me at all, I already knew that but didn't want to believe that I was unlovable.  He has definitely moved on, he moved on way before he walked out of the door and my life.  He is living with one of the many women he cheated on me with and that cuts deep.  I always said that I would rather have been hit just once by him then to have had to deal with all of his cheating, and lying, and manipulating, and cruelty.  Because at least the hit would have hurt for the moment but the emotional and mental abuse, basically left me shattered.  I am still waiting for the light at the end of tunnel, because right now all I see is darkness.  I wish you all well  

THank you. IT's always darkest before the dawn. Keep your head up! Listen, this is just molding us into amazing people. WE are all learning!

The abuse does get to you, though. I mean, I have never questioned myself until recently. She has called me old, wrinkly, etc. you name it, basically. But, if you seen me, I am well above average without wrinkles. I'm just 12 years older than her.  Plus, I compete on stage in the NPC Physique division.  I Mean, i have been confident my whole life (not cocky). None of this matters when you get beat down personally for years. It just gets to you!

[Fustercluck]

Trying to communicate with a loved one who is not capable of a rational emotional response is psychological torture.  You could set up a video recorder and show her what she did, then she would attack you for spying.  You can't win. I feel your pain.  This is a good place to receive validation.  The best advice I received was " you don't know what the future hold for you or her.  All you can do is focus on you being a better person and do the right thing.  I would suggest volunteer work, food pantry etc... . Take a night class, art, history, language or industrial arts.  Something that will keep you busy and expand your mind.  Find your path and you will find someone like you walking that path.  I can so relate to you letting go off a cliff.  I also feel as if she is drowning and if I reach in one more time I done.  Find a counselor who is not so time restrictive.

I have no desire to date but if that works for you try pof.com, it's a great, in expensive site for companionship.

[Eyeamme]

I have been called horrible things and I now believe them and can't get the words out of my head. It is on a constant loop that doesn't stop. Between yesterday and today I called 5 therapist because I really need to talk to someone. Not one called me back. I thought I was in the clear with my daughter. Things have been ok for 10 years. Now it is all back. I can't do this again.

[Ashamedandangry]

Flexion:

I have always been a little insecure, wait a minute, a lot insecure with my body only because I have had so many guys tell me that I didn't have a big enough rear end (I don't know but the butt seems to be the it thing), I was too thin or not thin enough, my breast were to small (I actually ended up many years ago having surgery to get them enhanced),I know I shouldn't have had the surgery but it's already done, etc.  I was just never pretty enough, good enough, Ughhhh!  I am so horrified to get involved with anyone. I just couldn't imagine going through this yet again, my heart just would not be able to take it.  Especially because the woman my ExBPD left me for has a big rear end.  The funny thing is my exBPD is not even close to my type, he is older (8 yrs) which is Ok, but he has been mistaken for my father, because I do look a lot younger than he does, and not to mention he is far from attractive and lets not get into his body... .  When I think about it he had no business judging me AT ALL especially since he is far from attractive, but I loved him anyway.  So now I am even more insecure  with my looks on top of feeling shattered and just lost.