Devasted BPD sister who is severely depressed

[Depression = 72% of members]

I recently found out my sister was diagnosed with BPD 25 years ago but never told me.  She went into denial about it and never sought long term help.  I have witnessed her struggle through her life and never understood certain behaviors and why she had so many problems with the relationships in her life.  Among many other issues and incidents, she repeatedly had affairs and her husband finally divorced her after 20 years of marriage about 2 years ago.  She has finally accepted that she has BPD and everything she has ever done to all the people she loves, especially her husband and children is severely depressing her.  She's devastated by the loss of her family and how she went from literally having everything, beautiful home, loving faithful husband, children, to literally being all alone and having destroyed it all by her own hand.  I am sick for her and can't imagine how a person can come back from that and find a way to go on.  Of course I would never say that to her- I try to be encourage her in whatever way I can but I'm having a really hard time trying to do that.  Every time I talk to her, she either cries or her voice is quavering on the verge.  She lives alone and she works mostly from home so she doesn't have a lot of human interaction.  She is seeing a counselor and is on meds.  For the first time in her life, it seems she's finally understanding that she is responsible for all the lost relationships and I can tell she is really trying.  She doesn't think she can ever be happy again without her ex-husband but it's way too late for that and he's definitely moved on.  It's  want to be a good sister to her but I feel powerless to make a difference.  Every time we talk it's the same sadness and I'm finding it hard to make or return the phone calls and I feel very guilty.

[cottagegirl]

I recently found out my sister was diagnosed with BPD 25 years ago but never told me.  She went into denial about it and never sought long term help.  I have witnessed her struggle through her life and never understood certain behaviors and why she had so many problems with the relationships in her life.  Among many other issues and incidents, she repeatedly had affairs and her husband finally divorced her after 20 years of marriage about 2 years ago.  She has finally accepted that she has BPD and everything she has ever done to all the people she loves, especially her husband and children is severely depressing her.  She's devastated by the loss of her family and how she went from literally having everything, beautiful home, loving faithful husband, children, to literally being all alone and having destroyed it all by her own hand.  I am sick for her and can't imagine how a person can come back from that and find a way to go on.  Of course I would never say that to her- I try to be encourage her in whatever way I can but I'm having a really hard time trying to do that.  Every time I talk to her, she either cries or her voice is quavering on the verge.  She lives alone and she works mostly from home so she doesn't have a lot of human interaction.  She is seeing a counselor and is on meds.  For the first time in her life, it seems she's finally understanding that she is responsible for all the lost relationships and I can tell she is really trying.  She doesn't think she can ever be happy again without her ex-husband but it's way too late for that and he's definitely moved on.  It's  want to be a good sister to her but I feel powerless to make a difference.  Every time we talk it's the same sadness and I'm finding it hard to make or return the phone calls and I feel very guilty.

[Confused#2]

 

I know how you feel. My sis, although did not have kids and still is married, is very severly depressed most of the time. She is a hermit and seems so helpless at times. She does not know or understand that her behaviors have destroyed her relationships instead of her being everyones' victim.  I too have problems with knowing when to return her calls and staying in contact since she is 99% depressed. It is great that your sister is now on medications and is working with a therapist. Do you live close to her? What do you want to do--how much time to spend with her,etc. Is is better to have a schedule of when to talk to her--once a week or every Tuesday and Friday so she has something to look forward to? Maybe the articles on FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) might be helpful. Keep the faith. She may be on the right track finally.

[cottagegirl]

Thank you for your reply.  We don't live in the same state so mostly it's over the phone and we visit 2 or 3 times a year.  I think it's a good idea to have some sort of schedule even if it's something I just kind of do on my own.  Then I can touch base with her regularly without feeling like I need to do something everyday.  I'm sure you know how it can just really take the wind out of your sails.  And it's so hard to know what to say.  I will definitely look at the FOG articles.  Thank you again.

[Confused#2]

It is interesting. I am far from my sis too. It is interesting that my sis called me almost everyday when her husband is working but when he is not, I am the one initiating the calls except when she is really upset. I then started calling her about once a week. It helps me keep in touch.  I have a probably of getting too involved since I was my uBPDm's helper/friend when I lived at home. Hard to get out of the bad habit. Hope some of these articles help with that.