When there are a million excuses why she can't do what she says she wants

[flourdust]

This has been a pattern with my wife, and I'm wondering if others have experienced it with their pwBPD.

Here's an example from a few nights ago. I brought up the topic of sleep hygiene. My wife has gotten into the bad habit of essentially living in bed. Besides sleep, she often eats there, watches TV, plays on her phone, texts people, uses the laptop to do work or research, hangs out with our daughter, and retreats there whenever she is upset, emotional, and/or wants a break. At bedtime, she says that the voices in her head are too loud to let her sleep without distraction, so she'll play on her phone and keep the TV on (turned to endless repeats of Chopped or Law & Order) until past midnight.

This is not only interfering with her sleep -- it's affecting mine, as well. We've had arguments when I've tried to get her to turn the TV off, and often she will (while muttering nasty things about me) or I'll retreat to the guest bedroom, where I can have both quiet/darkness and a lack of someone seething right next to me.

Her DBT program does talk about sleep hygiene, and she's familiar with the lesson, but when I tried to suggest implementing it, she had a laundry list of reasons why she can't and won't.

• She won't use her new chair in a private screened-off area for taking breaks, because it's not convenient. (She demanded that I get her this chair and set up the screen so she could have somewhere for breaks.)



• She won't use her new desk, because it's too hard to carry the laptop to it.



• I offered to move the desktop Mac up from the kitchen to her desk, but she wanted to complain that I forced her to move it down there so that our daughter could do homework. (Actually, this was a mutual decision we'd discussed for a while.)



• She won't set a time to turn off the TV. Instead, it's my fault for not coming to bed earlier.

We had a similar discussion about her complaint that she doesn't have time to go to exercise class. The classes are offered early in the morning for working people, and she could get up, go to class, and then to her DBT session. Or she could go on the two days when she doesn't have DBT. Or she could go Saturday mornings, and I can take care of the kid. But she had reasons why none of those are possible.

Is this typical? Is there a strategy that I'm not trying?

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[C.Stein]

Beds are for sleeping and sex.  Some will probably not agree, but I have always firmly believed that each person in a relationship should have their own room with a bed when feasible.  This allows each to have their own private space and helps maintain a sense of self and independence. 

Hard to say why she doesn't want to exercise.  Could be for the same reason a lot of people don't ... .because they just don't like to.

[flourdust]

Hard to say why she doesn't want to exercise.  Could be for the same reason a lot of people don't ... .because they just don't like to.

True, but she likes these classes -- she is friendly with the instructors and likes the social elements. She was going regularly all summer, then declared she couldn't go any more once the school year started.

I'm curious if others find that their pwBPD are masters of generating endless excuses like this to explain why they can't solve the problems they themselves complain about.

[C.Stein]

I'm curious if others find that their pwBPD are masters of generating endless excuses like this to explain why they can't solve the problems they themselves complain about.

Yes indeed.  My ex had an excuse for just about everything.  Problems she couldn't solve or things she was having trouble with, always seemed to be excused by either blaming it on something external or via self-deprecation.

[formflier]

 

Move the TV to the screened in porch with the chair... .

Don't ask... .just do it.

I dare you! 


I have luckily won this battle over the years.  No tv in our bedroom.  They have infected our kids bedrooms.  My wife's Mom can only sleep with TV on... .tvs are on in every room of her parents house.  I can't stand it over there... .

FF

[sweetheart]

Hello flourdust,

How long has this been going on?

My gut is as with all things BPD is this is your wife's choice. I really can understand and share your frustration though, my dBPDh uses our bedroom as his 'mancave' and really lacks the motivation to actively live his life. That however is his choice. Overtime I have come to accept in choosing to stay, that this what he wants to do. And believe me it took me a long while to get here.

If though his man cave activities ran in to my sleep time, I would choose to sleep elsewhere. He would then ask me why I was not sleeping in our bed ( because I'm sure he would notice  ) and with a bit of SET  I would tell him.

We've got a few threads on here that really highlight finding a way of accepting that we really can only change our part in the dynamic.

Some might suggest that you ask your w to sleep elsewhere, but that to me is pushing her to change her behaviour and that just increases potential conflict.

So if you implement a boundary that says if my wife carries on with screen time after I have asked her to turn it off when I come to bed, then I will just get up and go sleep elsewhere.

My suggestion is also that you do not get into a discussion around these issues at night, but wait for the next day.

I just want to say it is difficult watching someone you love live in this way. I find that my h goes through cycles of this kind of behaviour. He goes from making his world very small, and there is I suspect a feeling of security for him in this behaviour. He then switches and is always out and about on his bike, sometimes camping out in the woods! ( and that's a whole other area of radical acceptance  )

[mazes]

My uBPDh has the same issue and list of excuses.  Ever since the bedroom tv died he has been complaining about having to sleep on the couch.  First excuse was "what if our daughter wakes up in the middle of the night?  She needs help to get to the bathroom because it is dark."  This makes no sense because she would have to get out of bed and walk past the bathroom and through the kitchen to get to the couch to wake up her dad.  But I aim to please so I ran out and got a night light for the hallway.  A few days later another remark about how he has to sleep on the couch.  I ask why, he says " I am never invited to the bed."  This one stumps me because I am 38 years old and no one has ever invited me to go to bed.  But I am here to please so I invite him to bed that night.  He says "I haven't showered in over a week and I stink".  Which is true, he does stink but why can't he take a shower?  I ask, "why don't you take a shower?"  He says, "I don't have time."  I gave up and went to bed.

[formflier]

I ask, "why don't you take a shower?"  He says, "I don't have time."  I gave up and went to bed.

Sometimes you can "snap them out of it" by making it fun.  Only way to know is to try.

So... .let him know you are heading to the shower... and need help scrubbing that special spot... .

Either way... .just go shower and on to bed.

Another tactic is to ask them to "help me understand the solution to this issue... "  Listen... .you are listening for emotions to validate.

Think of it as offering them a "way out" of the funk or the choice that they have made.  The key for your well being is that you make a certain effort... .and then you move along... .regardless of result of your effort.

You feel good about your effort... .don't tie your feelings to the results.

FF

[flourdust]

My uBPDh has the same issue and list of excuses.  Ever since the bedroom tv died he has been complaining about having to sleep on the couch.  First excuse was "what if our daughter wakes up in the middle of the night?  She needs help to get to the bathroom because it is dark."  This makes no sense because she would have to get out of bed and walk past the bathroom and through the kitchen to get to the couch to wake up her dad.  But I aim to please so I ran out and got a night light for the hallway.  A few days later another remark about how he has to sleep on the couch.  I ask why, he says " I am never invited to the bed."  This one stumps me because I am 38 years old and no one has ever invited me to go to bed.  But I am here to please so I invite him to bed that night.  He says "I haven't showered in over a week and I stink".  Which is true, he does stink but why can't he take a shower?  I ask, "why don't you take a shower?"  He says, "I don't have time."  I gave up and went to bed.

Wow, we're married to twins! I can track that same illogic in my conversations with my wife -- "I didn't do something because I was passively waiting for you to figure out that you had to do something first" -- "Now that you've done the thing that I secretly wanted you to do, I won't do it anyway because it's too late, too hard, or you did it for the wrong reasons."

I've even had that exact same conversation about a shower. She brought it up to prove that she had given up self-care (er, congrats?). And she said she couldn't shower because she didn't have time. It was 10 PM, so I'm not sure where she thought she had to be.

formflier -- in the past, I have cajoled my wife into taking basic care of herself. I think this is one of her strategies to get attention from me, by seeing if she can make me drop everything to get her out of bed, get her dressed, fix her a meal, hold her hand from the bedroom to the kitchen. I don't think it's healthy, and I've stopped playing that game.

Sweetheart -- I think this started after the brain injury, about three years ago, when she really did need more rest time and was struggling with vertigo and sensory overload. But it really became an habitual behavior after she was fired from her last job around two years ago. It has been slowly worsening.

I brought up the topic of sleep hygiene in the hope that perhaps we could get some baby steps to happen to get her out of this rut. She was very resistant, though, so I'm probably going to have to try to find a loving way to say that I'll sleep upstairs if she wants to keep the TV on. (This will necessitate waiting until a day when she's not already seething with anger at me ... .might be a long wait.)

[ArleighBurke]

My wife has the same excuses behaviour. I'm sure making up reasons is tied to the fundamental BPD thought of "it's everyone else's fault", and feelings = facts.

So if the BPD doesn't *want* to shower, then there must be a reason. It simply can't be because they are lazy, it MUST be because it's too late, or there's not enough soap, or they'll wake the kids or SOMETHING that doesn't make it their fault.

When my wife justifies not doing things like not being able to go to the gym, I often use the line "if it was important to you, you'd work out how to do it". I don't think she appriciates that, because it puts the action back on her. But it's true. It's also funny how annoyed she gets when she sees ME able to juggle my life and fit everything in.

In one of her more sane moments, she said she wished she was able to be "as selfish" as me - to do things for myself and not worry about all the other responsiblities I had. For her, if there is ANYTHING else that needs doing, she can't justify doing something for herself. I've tried to argue taking care of herself is for the family (to ensure she is healthy enough to help care for us all) - but no.