Update

[formflier]

   I'd suggest that next time you get a call from her lawyer, try "Send it to me in writing. I don't want to discuss anything on the phone."

           How do you know it was her lawyer and not a weird trick.  I can't believe that didn't jump out at me before.  Trial notifications are not done over the phone.  Have you ever talked to this guy before?            

FF

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KateCat]

The idea of a trial notification being done by phone seems utterly bizarre to me too.   I think I remember you informed the guy that you were not going to participate in the divorce action, but does that relieve him of his professional duty to provide notice to all parties? WTH?

A friend of mine just completed a divorce in which his wife threatened all kinds of stuff right up to the presentation of final orders, and then she just didn't show up and he was instantly divorced, on the financial terms he was expecting. I worry that Monday is practically here, just in case the attorney is not bluffing and is really prepared to enter an order that will be hard for you to live with.

[MaroonLiquid]

Ok, so tonight was our daughter's choir concert.  When I got no response from her, I decided to show up and she was sitting with a friend of our daughter.  I walked up to her and said, "Is there room for me here or are those seats already taken?"  You should have seen her face.  She looked shocked and said, "Sure, there's an extra seat!"  They scooted down a seat and let me sit down.  She then said, "I didn't know you would be here.  I figured you weren't coming when I didn't hear from you."  I said, "I texted you asking what time you wanted to meet here." And showed her the text.  She said, "I didn't get it and pulled out her phone and checked her texts.  She said, "Oh, here it is, I never saw it.  Sorry."  The funny thing is, if she hadn't seen it, my thread would have had a blue dot next to it showing that she had an unread message (iPhone).  Also, she had texts back and forth to other people since mine at 11:30AM.  She obviously lied.  I just said, "No problem."  So during the concert, she asked if I wanted to come over for some chili.  I agreed and she hugged and kissed me like she had the last several days.  Strange... .

Here is what I'm thinking regarding the latest with her lawyer.  I have heard from him once several months ago but from his paralegal several times, even by email.  I have never talked to them, answered their phone calls or emails.  I think it's a big bunch of BS honestly (trial date on Monday) trying to get me to "sit down" by scaring me.  My wife isn't giving him the ok to end the divorce so I think he is trying to do what he can and still represent her.  I will call the court tomorrow.  Here's the thing, they supposedly filed a motion to compel me to answer their questions.  Yet no court date ever came through on that.  Now they are threatening a trial.  I think it's all a bunch of BS.

[Grey Kitty]

The text she "didn't see" ... .

She gets upset (for whatever reason), and she rejects you, give you the silent treatment, ignores you/etc.

She knows it. You know it.

Then when you show up anyway, she has two choices: say "Whups, I tried to reject you and shut you out of this event, and you showed up here anyway. Geez, am I embarrassed." (NOT LIKELY   ) or pretend that it was an accident.

Honestly, next time this kinda thing happens, don't even bother challenging the first lame attempt at an excuse. You know what is going on. (Even if you don't know what sent her 'round that bend)

The most important part is whether she is ready to welcome you back or needs to freeze you out longer. Obviously this time she was ready to come back.

... .

And that strategy may help you with the legal stuff. If she's trying to find a lame excuse to back down, pretending she never did something in the first place... .don't argue with it, as long as she's backing down.

[MaroonLiquid]

The text she "didn't see" ... .

She gets upset (for whatever reason), and she rejects you, give you the silent treatment, ignores you/etc.

She knows it. You know it.

That's the hardest thing about this illness is that we both know what she are doing... .

Then when you show up anyway, she has two choices: say "Whups, I tried to reject you and shut you out of this event, and you showed up here anyway. Geez, am I embarrassed." (NOT LIKELY   ) or pretend that it was an accident.

Yep, like we are "that stupid"... .   I loved the excuse that she was soo busy but yet saw that she had time to text 4 other people throughout the day.    

Honestly, next time this kinda thing happens, don't even bother challenging the first lame attempt at an excuse. You know what is going on. (Even if you don't know what sent her 'round that bend)

The most important part is whether she is ready to welcome you back or needs to freeze you out longer. Obviously this time she was ready to come back.

... .

And that strategy may help you with the legal stuff. If she's trying to find a lame excuse to back down, pretending she never did something in the first place... .don't argue with it, as long as she's backing down.

Well, texted her again this morning and back to not responding... .YAYYYYYY!      Anyway, whatever.  I find it amusing that she does this now.  I actually like being strong enough to withstand this childish crap.  I like being strong enough that it no longer bothers me and that I can laugh about it.

[Grey Kitty]

Did you call the court? If so, is there anything on the docket for Monday?

If so... .I'd recommend moving to posting about it on the Legal board instead of this one.

If not... .which sounds more likely to me... .carry on... .you've got this.

Either way, it is tough.   

[MaroonLiquid]

So I called my wife's bluff and now I'm getting the ST.  We had a softball tournament all weekend (we came in second) and her lawyer texted me in the middle of the day Sunday saying he would like me to call him so we can discuss the "court proceedings" tomorrow (today) , or if I would still like to read over a divorce decree that I could sign it and "avoid court".  Another thing that tipped me off was he didn't put a time that I was supposed to be there.  I knew right then it was BS.  I'm beginning to think that my wife told him if he threatened me with court that I would fold (another delay tactic on her part manipulating the attorney).  I didn't get it till late yesterday evening after the trophy presentation and didn't mention it.  On the way back to my wife's house from the tournament (our daughter fell asleep), she said, "So are you showing up to court in the morning?"  I said, "No, I have to work."  She couldn't stand that I wouldn't approach it.  She then said, "You can't bury your head in the sand forever."  I said, "I'm not burying my head in the sand, I just refuse to be involved in something I don't believe in.  I've made that clear since the beginning.  I love you and the kids"  She said, "Talk is cheap, it is shown by actions."  I said, "You're absolutely right." And left it at that.  My actions for over a year and even in the last month have proven it.  I just let it sit with her.  She responded a minute or so later, "Eventually we will be divorced."  I said, "Thats not what I want, but I f that's what you feel you need to do, then that will be your decision."  She then dropped it.  We again never raised our voices, or said any hateful things.  I left her house and didn't hear from her at all today.  I went to the kids choir concert and she was working the refreshments booth (she's on the choir booster club) and I went to buy something and almost fell out laughing.  The woman right before me asked her a question and she was so talkative and helpful.  She then noticed me (acted like we had never met) and I said, "I'll take one of these." and she responded, "That will be 2 dollars."  and walked off to the person behind me and got sweet as pie again and all helpful explaining what all they had.  It was ridiculous!     She was a frigid b!tch!  I wanted to turn and say, "Gee honey, good to see you too!  I just walked off and then left later.  Amazing just Saturday she was telling me in front of the kids that she loved me and back to frigid b!tch ST again today.  It doesn't bother or shock me anymore however.  She realizes once again that her games don't work on me any longer. 

[formflier]

  She then said, "You can't bury your head in the sand forever."  I said, "I'm not burying my head in the sand, I just refuse to be involved in something I don't believe in.  I've made that clear since the beginning.  I love you and the kids"  She said, "Talk is cheap, it is shown by actions."  I said, "You're absolutely right." And left it at that.  My actions for over a year and even in the last month have proven it.  I just let it sit with her.  She responded a minute or so later, "Eventually we will be divorced."  I said, "Thats not what I want, but I f that's what you feel you need to do, then that will be your decision."   

          Solid work on this.  Let her own all of it.  Have you talked to a lawyer?  That is my one concern, that there is something about this that you don't know.  Or an angle you haven't considered.          

FF  

[Cat Familiar]

I second formflier. If you don't want to spend the money for a consultation (and sometimes they will offer a free initial consultation), there is likely a legal aid group in your vicinity.

This attorney has shown himself to be sleazy by lying to you about the court date, so you don't really know what he has up his sleeve. Please get some legal advice.

[formflier]

I second formflier. If you don't want to spend the money for a consultation (and sometimes they will offer a free initial consultation), there is likely a legal aid group in your vicinity.   This attorney has shown himself to be sleazy by lying to you about the court date, so you don't really know what he has up his sleeve. Please get some legal advice.

         Cat Familiar and I have been talking lawyer stuff in other threads.  I'm continuing this thought over here.  One think I would discuss with your lawyer, is did the other lawyer (if it was him) violate a code of ethics by lying to you about a court date.  It's certainly odd behavior.  Listen, people are used to sleazy stuff in divorce cases, the lawyers are involved to sometimes act as "parents" and keep things under control, or attempt to.  If there is a lawyer participating in this crap, my initial reaction is to report that to the bar if it is a  probably violation.  You would have to read the code of ethics in your state's bar to figure that out.  If his L has a history of sketchy stuff, this one may push him over the edge.  You need more information before proceeding.          

FF

[Fian]

So has anything happened since you failed to respond to a fake summons?

[MaroonLiquid]

So has anything happened since you failed to respond to a fake summons?

Nothing really.  The next day was softball practice which she invited me over to her house afterwards and we ate dinner and I was supposed to pick something up from her for one of our team fundraisers, but told her I would get it the next day after another of our kids choir concerts this week.  She said, ":)o you have a ticket?"  I said, "No."  She said to call the box office at the church where it is being held early the next morning.  This pissed me off because we had talked about me going for a week and she didn't think enough of me to get a ticket when she went to go buy hers.  Honestly, I didn't even attempt to get one because in the past they are always sold out.  I made sure this was brought up in front of the kids because I wanted them to know I wanted to go.  Anyway, I was there until about 11:00PM and then she said she was tired and needed to get to bed.  She walked me out to the car and gave me one of those "side hugs" that are really ridiculous but I hugged her and kissed her forehead.  I left and went home.  We haven't talked since.  It seems to me that she is irritated that she can't "scare" me into giving in to her demands (whatever they may be at the time) and therefore has to not talk to me for a couple of days to get over her anger about it.  I love her very much, but when she gets in one of these moods, I don't even want to be around her. 

[MaroonLiquid]

So yesterday I texted my wife while giving me the ST a picture that said, "You are loved."  I didn't expect anything back, but was trying to be sweet.  my wife texted me this morning about softball and should have seen it was a setup, but I didn't.  No big deal because I cut off communication when I did see it.  She said she would like to do the same thing with our team that was in the picture she sent me.  I said, "I like it and that it was cool.  I asked her if she was making something in particular for our team party tomorrow and she said, "Probably.  I need to get my hope chest from you tomorrow after the party.  I have a lot to do before I leave town and that is the only night I have available."  I should have seen this coming, but I responded, "If you could give me till Wednesday that would be great, and also I would like my laptop back."  She responded, "You didn't get that in the divorce."  I cut off communication immediately after that.  I refuse to fight with her.  I still don't think there was a court date.   i so bad want to be an ass but I just won't stoop to that level.  Whatever she's upset about, I refuse to be a whipping post.  It still amazes me that they can't help but screw things up when things are going well.  I know she is concerned about moving her dad down here next week (would be surprised to see it actually happen) and that is going to disrupt her whole life and it isn't going to end well.  It is going to end like it did with her mom and who will she come to when it blows up?  Yep... .Me... .Because she has no one else.  

[MaroonLiquid]

So my wife went out of town last Friday to get her dad out of the nursing home he was in so she could move him down here.  I could tell she started to "pull away" from me before she left so had very little conversation with her from Thursday on.  She left Friday and I asked if she go to her halfway point ok and she said she did and thanks for asking.  I haven't talked to her since for several reasons.  One, I know she has a ton to do in a very short time and get back down here (with or without him).  Second, I'm not going to chase her.  I refuse to.  I'm always the one to text first and feel like I have to almost chase her at times to talk to her.  I won't to do that anymore. A r/s is a two way street.  I'm realizing how much healthier I am now than I used to be.  Another thing, I went and watched Star Wars with a friend (who happens to be a girl, but we are just friends and we took our sons).  It was nice to have someone I could go and not have to discuss the r/s with, who didn't expect anything of me and just wanted to do something fun.  She knows I am still married and knows that I want my marriage to work.  She was very supportive.  It was nice to not have someone tell me I need to "get rid of the b!tch".     Anyway, Not having talked to my wife in almost 4 days has not bothered me hardly at all.  I do miss her a little, but curious to see how things shake out when she gets back with her dad.  She moved into the formal living room a night before she left town so she could mover her dad into her master bedroom "so he could be closer to the bathroom".  Anyway, just wanted to give the latest.  Thoughts?

[Fian]

I think living in a different house right now is going to be a blessing.  Wife/father-in-law are probably going to have some big storms in the near future, living under the same roof.

[Fian]

So, how was Christmas?

[MaroonLiquid]

So, how was Christmas?

Christmas was great!  Had a wonderful time with my kids.  I texted my wife Christmas Day (morning) to no response (maybe I shouldn't have?) and went on about my day.  I also texted her kids and our youngest daughter responded and we talked and told each other we loved each other.  My wife told me not to buy them gifts as she didn't have money to buy my kids gifts and I said, "OK."  I didn't buy any of them gifts and focused on my children.  I got my biological kids later in the day and they opened their gifts and took them to Denny's for dinner.  My son asked if we were going to see my wife and kids and I said no.  I haven't heard from my wife except in response to an email I sent out regarding softball to our team and she responded short and to the point about the agenda for the meeting we have on Tuesday.  It's ridiculous but I won't play along anymore.  I do miss her but tired of her ST for whatever reason she sees fit.  This time I truly believe she has backed herself into a corner where she can't spend time with me because her family would see the truth about me.  Also, I think she doesn't need me for anything right now either.  Oh well. Her loss.  Thoughts?

[MaroonLiquid]

So, how was Christmas?

Christmas was great!  Had a wonderful time with my kids.  I texted my wife Christmas Day (morning) to no response (maybe I shouldn't have?) and went on about my day.  I also texted her kids and our youngest daughter responded and we talked and told each other we loved each other.  My wife told me not to buy them gifts as she didn't have money to buy my kids gifts and I said, "OK."  I didn't buy any of them gifts and focused on my children.  I got my biological kids later in the day and they opened their gifts and took them to Denny's for dinner.  My son asked if we were going to see my wife and kids and I said no.  I haven't heard from my wife except in response to an email I sent out regarding softball to our team and she responded short and to the point about the agenda for the meeting we have on Tuesday.  It's ridiculous but I won't play along anymore.  I do miss her but tired of her ST for whatever reason she sees fit.  This time I truly believe she has backed herself into a corner where she can't spend time with me because her family would see the truth about me.  Also, I think she doesn't need me for anything right now either.  Oh well. Her loss.  Thoughts?

Another thing is we are at a stalemate where we aren't contacting each other for any reason other than softball at the moment. 

[Fian]

I am not sure if you can do anything differently, but let me toss it out there anyway.  Why not pursue her?  Do you think it would be ineffective?  Would you find it humiliating?

[MaroonLiquid]

I am not sure if you can do anything differently, but let me toss it out there anyway.  Why not pursue her?  Do you think it would be ineffective?  Would you find it humiliating?

I'm not sure if I can do anything differently either, however, I did take some time to think about your question.  I'm not sure I can pursue anymore than I have been.  I feel like in a way it is humiliating, but also I feel it doesn't show strength.  She wants the control and in a lot of ways, I gave it to her.  I'm at a point where I want our relationship to be a two way street.  I've made all the concessions, all the effort.  I'm not mad about that, that was my choice.  But now I'm strong enough to say, "I would like to be pursued."  I want to hear, "I want to see you."  I'm done giving her all the power.  Am I making any sense?  Plus, she chose her dad over our relationship, and she needs to live that choice... .

[Fian]

Please don't take this as criticism or me pushing you to pursue her more - I am just exploring this in my head as I write.  First off, I also have a "no pursue" rule for myself as well, but for me it is because of my insecurity of believing that I am an attractive spouse.  If I pursue, then I feel like I am begging, and I don't know that I could look myself in the mirror in the morning if I did that.

Anyway, enough about me.  Is there a way to pursue without giving up control?  What if it was something as simple as flowers?  You express your love, but don't request anything in return.  You take a strong step towards her, but then let her decide if she wants to take a step forward too.

[MaroonLiquid]

Please don't take this as criticism or me pushing you to pursue her more - I am just exploring this in my head as I write.  First off, I also have a "no pursue" rule for myself as well, but for me it is because of my insecurity of believing that I am an attractive spouse.  If I pursue, then I feel like I am begging, and I don't know that I could look myself in the mirror in the morning if I did that.

Anyway, enough about me.  Is there a way to pursue without giving up control?  What if it was something as simple as flowers?  You express your love, but don't request anything in return.  You take a strong step towards her, but then let her decide if she wants to take a step forward too.

I'm not taking it as criticism.  I appreciate your input.  I do feel like I am begging and don't want that anymore.  Yesterday, my wife and I were texting about some softball stuff (I'm the president of the board and she is the treasurer) and she emailed some information to my ex wife and CC'd me about a something that my ex owes ($38) even though it was already discussed multiple times.  I realized the only reason she sent it was to sign it with her maiden name" to humiliate me.  I didn't respond to it and later she got real nice with me almost like she felt guilty and we texted several times throughout the night.  We left the texting on great terms and this morning I texted her some new information to add to a document.  We texted back and forth a few times and then she said, "When can I get my stuff from you this week and I need the code to the laptop."  I didn't respond.  First of all, it's bait.  Second of all, she knows that laptop is mine and I pay for it out of my student loan and I will not give her the code.  When I didn't respond, she said, "You can't ignore this ML, you are acting like a petulant child!"  Like I'm really going to answer her now. . Anyway, she's looking for a fight and I refuse to give it to her.  She must really be beside herself and miserable to try and pick fight with me.  Also, they really don't like it when they get a taste of their own medicine.  They can ignore, ignore, ignore, but when you refuse to respond due to them being nasty, they can't stand it.

[formflier]

  ML, Glad you had a good Christmas with your bio kids.  I had a good one as well.    As the new year approaches, I have few questions for you.  Is there a timeline for you?  How long will you wait?  Note:  I think it wise to wait a while and see how FIL thing plays out.  I'm assuming he is moved down here and living in the house.  I would challenge you to examine your thinking around her "choosing" FIL over you.  Very likely you were not in her thought process.  You are doing great things and keeping the "temperature" of the r/s down.     

FF

[sweetheart]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288198.0

Hi ff, ML posted this continuation thread which may further clarify his situation.

[formflier]

   Thanks sweetheart!  Hope you are well.    

FF

[EaglesJuju]

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .