I miss my BPDex but idk why

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So me and my ex broke up over a month ago and I've been down on myself. I'm 22 and she's 19, we lived 6 hours apart but we always visited eachother monthly. We dated for over a year and so much has happened but I'll try to summarize everything. Lately I've been stuck between wanting my ex back and wanting to move on for good, It's been 2 weeks since we last talked and it ended in me making a fool of myself while she was brushing me off, I called her a terrible person and hung up and blocked her number, afterwards I regretted saying that and I was devastated because I feel like that's the last time id ever hear and I see on here that people would prefer their ex not to contact them but I've been missing my ex more than I should. I'm stuck between wanting her back and wanting to move on and be happy again but It's been a difficult and confusing time. Our relationship on a good day was like a fairytale and we never had a problem in our first 8 months, then she started getting shorter and shorter with me. She would go into emotional rages, intense depression and anxiety if she didn't get things her way, and she even said that I'm the one that broke up with her and broke her heart. She cheated on me, gave her number to guys, sought attention on social media, had friends that would always interfere in our relationship even though they had issues. Yet I forgave her each time and she ended up leaving me, Her mom even said I'm good for her but she's not good for me. Now all that crosses my mind is that she's out there partying, smoking and drinking, and I don't even wanna know what else because I know the type of girls her friends are, they have very low morals. It really bothers me that we went through all of that and I even wanted to marry her eventually but she would freak out when I talk about the future. This is the short version but so much more has happened, why do I miss her so much when all she did was hurt me.

[HumbleHeart]

So me and my ex broke up over a month ago and I've been down on myself. I'm 22 and she's 19, we lived 6 hours apart but we always visited eachother monthly. We dated for over a year and so much has happened but I'll try to summarize everything. Lately I've been stuck between wanting my ex back and wanting to move on for good, It's been 2 weeks since we last talked and it ended in me making a fool of myself while she was brushing me off, I called her a terrible person and hung up and blocked her number, afterwards I regretted saying that and I was devastated because I feel like that's the last time id ever hear and I see on here that people would prefer their ex not to contact them but I've been missing my ex more than I should. I'm stuck between wanting her back and wanting to move on and be happy again but It's been a difficult and confusing time. Our relationship on a good day was like a fairytale and we never had a problem in our first 8 months, then she started getting shorter and shorter with me. She would go into emotional rages, intense depression and anxiety if she didn't get things her way, and she even said that I'm the one that broke up with her and broke her heart. She cheated on me, gave her number to guys, sought attention on social media, had friends that would always interfere in our relationship even though they had issues. Yet I forgave her each time and she ended up leaving me, Her mom even said I'm good for her but she's not good for me. Now all that crosses my mind is that she's out there partying, smoking and drinking, and I don't even wanna know what else because I know the type of girls her friends are, they have very low morals. It really bothers me that we went through all of that and I even wanted to marry her eventually but she would freak out when I talk about the future. This is the short version but so much more has happened, why do I miss her so much when all she did was hurt me.

[HumbleHeart]

I fell hard for a girl with BPD. Although our relationship had intense highs and deep lows, I've been feeling like I'll find anyone that made me feel as good as she did. What's wrong with me?

[Mutt]

Hi HumbleHeart,

Our relationship on a good day was like a fairytale and we never had a problem in our first 8 months

Don't be hard on yourself. Members can relate.

I didn't have problems for the first 6 months or so, it felt like a dream.

Our article on idealization and devaluation is a good piece on why we struggle.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation

[HumbleHeart]

Hi HumbleHeart,

Our relationship on a good day was like a fairytale and we never had a problem in our first 8 months

Don't be hard on yourself. Members can relate.

I didn't have problems for the first 6 months or so, it felt like a dream.

Our article on idealization and devaluation is a good piece on why we struggle.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation

I know it's common for this to happen dating someone with BPD, but it sucks because I wanted to marry this girl. But after reading that they do this with anyone it makes me feel like my worth was nothing, even after I all I did for her

[FannyB]

Hi HH

This is incredibly tough stuff for anyone to come to terms with - that's why this forum was created to help people process this. What you're feeling is natural. Like the rest of us you fell in love with the good side of her - before the darker side emerged. You have to radically accept that a pwBPD comes as a complete package - with both good and bad elements. I've done that and decided that I wouldn't want a LTR with my ex on that basis. It would be purgatory for me. 

Do you accept that the dark side of your ex is as important a part of her genetic make-up as the good side? Could you stay in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD on that basis?


Fanny

[HumbleHeart]

Hi HH

This is incredibly tough stuff for anyone to come to terms with - that's why this forum was created to help people process this. What you're feeling is natural. Like the rest of us you fell in love with the good side of her - before the darker side emerged. You have to radically accept that a pwBPD comes as a complete package - with both good and bad elements. I've done that and decided that I wouldn't want a LTR with my ex on that basis. It would be purgatory for me.  

Do you accept that the dark side of your ex is as important a part of her genetic make-up as the good side? Could you stay in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD on that basis?


Fanny

Thanks for responding fanny. My common sense says I should stay far away from her, but my heart craves the feeling I had when we were together. It comes and goes

[once removed]

hey humbleheart  

i understand the conflict between the head and the heart. one thing that helped me more than i would have thought was to try to accept that i had conflicting feelings... and accept my conflicted feelings. to begin by telling myself that my feelings and longing werent "wrong", that they just were. this made it easier to begin to process them and sort them out.

one of the greatest concepts i ever learned in squaring my heart and my head was on mindfulness. you can find more on mindfulness here:

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

[HumbleHeart]

hey humbleheart  

i understand the conflict between the head and the heart. one thing that helped me more than i would have thought was to try to accept that i had conflicting feelings... and accept my conflicted feelings. to begin by telling myself that my feelings and longing werent "wrong", that they just were. this made it easier to begin to process them and sort them out.

one of the greatest concepts i ever learned in squaring my heart and my head was on mindfulness. you can find more on mindfulness here:

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Thank you for the advice, I'll check it out