Is it BPD or myself trying to rationalize the breakup?

[Kelvin]

Hello All this is my second post here and I'll try to be brief.

I'm about 3 months removed from a break up with my gf in which we were together for 4.5 years. After coming here after suspecting something is off by the way we ended (she left me for another guy, said she loved him after being with him for under two weeks) I thought she may indeed have BPD. She showed signs such as:

-She said she engaged in cutting herself before we got together

-Became an "exotic dancer" and hid it from me for months

-Cheated with a guy she met there

-Cheated again the following summer with a girl she met there

-Incredibly adept liar, constantly lied to me and everyone around her

- Seemed to get incredibly upset at me for things such as chilling and watching TV instead of tending to her

-Had a new "best friend" every 6 months, would say the previous friend was bad news after gushing about that person previously

-Treated me like a GOD. Literally would do anything I asked of her. Then there would be periods where she clearly resented me.

However sometimes I think maybe it's just me trying to find a source of blame for the failed relationship. I admit following the acts of cheating (I know I should've ended it there but I really loved her) I became much more cold emotionally. We argued sometimes and I admit I raised my voice and made her cry sometimes. With her income she bought pretty much everything in our relationship (I didn't have a job) so I feel at least she was compassionate which is something I read isn't common amongst BPD's. I feel bad about my part in the realtionship's failure and wonder if you think she indeed was BPD or am I just looking for a scapegoat. Thanks.

[enlighten me]

Whether she is BPD or not there area lot of red flags there.

What I would ask myself is was her behaviour acceptable and what part I played.

[MSNYC]

Regardless of whether she has full blown BPD, clearly she exhibits strong traits of BPD and has lots of issues that she's working through. Still, it's fair to be critical of yourself - all of us know that just because we are in relationships with BPD doesn't mean they are ALWAYS the fully flawed ones while we are perfect. All it means is that, as each of us makes mistakes, they are also dealing with a serious mental health issue that compounds it all the more.

The signs you pointed out suggest that certainly she is troubled and unstable, in ways that certainly affected your relationship. Unless there's wrongdoing on your part you neglected to name, it doesn't really sound like you're looking to blame.

[Hopeful83]

What I would ask myself is was her behaviour acceptable and what part I played.

That's exactly how I choose to look at it now, too. I started asking myself the same thing "is this BPD or it is something else?" and quite frankly, I would have preferred if it hadn't been BPD because at least then there would be some chance that he'd show some remorse for his actions.

But bottom line is, BPD or not, he crossed some boundaries that I shall never allow any other man to cross now. And that's all that matters. That along with with looking at myself and my own behaviour to see why I stayed in a relationship with someone who raged on a weekly basis for the last two years of our relationship.

[Mutt]

Hi Kelvin,



It doesn't sound like blaming your ex and you give the impression that you have self awareness and know your role / responsibilities in a r/s.

You have a long history with 4.5 years, 3 months is not a long time after a break-up.

Are you trying to make sense of your experience in the last 5 years? Are you looking at your role to ameliorate future relationships?

[Kelvin]

Hi Kelvin,



It doesn't sound like blaming your ex and you give the impression that you have self awareness and know your role / responsibilities in a r/s.

You have a long history with 4.5 years, 3 months is not a long time after a break-up.

Are you trying to make sense of your experience in the last 5 years? Are you looking at your role to ameliorate future relationships?

I don't know honestly. I realize I cannot go back to her even if it was an option, but I just feel a little bit dead inside. I know it will pass at some point but I was made to feel like I was the one that let her get away when she left. I want to heal and fix the negatives qualities in myself that hurt the relationship. I also want to know was she really ill or was this all just who she was as a person. I always suspected she at least had "daddy" issues (dad ran off on her when she was little and was raised by foster parents) but at times she seemed normal and I thought maybe it wasn't as big an issue as I had thought. I don't really have any experience with BPD relationships (this is my first major one) so that's why I came here to read what people who have been through something like this think about the situation.

[Mutt]

I understand. You sound a little confused, I think that self awareness and owning your stuff are good things, it sounds like you want to learn about your behaviors and learn about relationships?

We can't diagnose our ex partners, I think that it's important that we don't diagnose them, we're not professionals but what we can look at is BPD psychopathology and borderline traits.

but at times she seemed normal and I thought maybe it wasn't as big an issue as I had thought.

I'm sorry to hear about your ex, it's sad to hear that her dad abandoned her and she was raised by foster parents. That's tough. BPD is insecure attachment styles that start in early childhood and these patterns continue into adulthood, typical attachment styles found in BPD are unresolved, pre-occupied, and disorganised. A person with BPD ( pwBPD ) want emotional intimacy and become triggered when we're too close.

There really is a silver lining with a relationship with a pwBPD if we take a look at ourselves in the mirror. Here's an article on attachment styles in relationships and a video ( 48 mins ) on BPD.

Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

What is BPD (48 minute video)

[mango_flower]

Obviously only a psychologist/psychiatrist can diagnose (dependent on country) but yes, a heck of a lot of red flags there.

Either way, it was never destined to be a smooth ride.

I haven't heard that BPD people aren't compassionate - I've read that many of them feel too much, and many are very compassionate.  My ex loved children and animals and was always kind to old people and anyone in need!

Sorry it's so tough.  The endless questions swirling round after a break up are horrific. x

[Kelvin]

It is very confusing. Especially since she thinks we should be friends following this. That is actually what brought me here. I thought it was just heartless that someone could leave after the amount of time we spent together for another man and think we can be close friends like we were before the relationship like nothing happened. Like we didn't even exist. It's gut wrenching. I am in NC but every few weeks she would text or FB message me and I don't really know what to do. I don't want to seem like an ass but I can't bear to speak to her.

[Mutt]

It is very confusing. Especially since she thinks we should be friends following this. That is actually what brought me here. I thought it was just heartless that someone could leave after the amount of time we spent together for another man and think we can be close friends like we were before the relationship like nothing happened. Like we didn't even exist. It's gut wrenching. I am in NC but every few weeks she would text or FB message me and I don't really know what to do. I don't want to seem like an ass but I can't bear to speak to her.

I can relate. It's painful when someone moves on and doesn't validate our loss and pain and act as if nothing has happened.

I suggest keep up NC for self protection for now and give yourself some emotional space, ignore the texts messages and FB messages, learn about the disorder and share with fellow members. You don't have to go through this alone.

[C.Stein]

I realize I cannot go back to her even if it was an option, but I just feel a little bit dead inside. I know it will pass at some point but I was made to feel like I was the one that let her get away when she left.

I can totally relate to this and I am feeling a lot dead inside.  When my ex did her final discard via text she completely made it all my fault.  She accepted no responsibility.  I suppose I could have replied, but I was just so tired and emotionally numb I just couldn't bring myself to write yet another text trying to absolve myself of the all the responsibility she had placed on my shoulders.