Hi everyone! I’m new to this forum, and it seems like a very positive space so I wanted to share my story and get your advice. I’m only beginning to learn about BPD, but have already found this site to be extremely enlightening.
First, a little bit of backstory. My husband and I met while I was studying abroad. His mother always made certain hairs on the back of my neck stand up and would make little hurtful comments. She would often guilt-trip her son, to be sure he was always more loyal to her than to me. She came across as very controlling, and emotionally volatile- but I chalked it up to just being a MIL-DIL thing and mostly ignored it.
We eventually got engaged and decided for job reasons to move back to my home country together. (Which I imagine would be a huge trigger if this is BPD!) We knew it would be difficult balancing life between the two countries, but tried our best to remain connected. We started wedding planning. My husband and I were thinking of getting married in a location between our two countries as a nice symbolic gesture. When my husband mentioned this plan to his parents, his mother started crying and saying we were purposefully trying to hurt her and that if we did this we would be killing her and breaking her heart. We put our wedding plans on hold for the next year. My husband couldn’t bear the pressure of possible non-compliance with his mother's expectations and the guilt of upsetting them.
Attempt No.2 at getting married was also a nightmare. We decided instead to have a small wedding in each country. My MIL would oscillate between trying to be my best friend, to the next day being very cruel and telling me I had chosen a small wedding because no one loved me and I was an unlovable person. The next day it would be a guilt trip of her going to her son and saying I didn’t love her, never did, and didn’t pay enough attention to her. She would claim I was trying to steal him away from her and his family… And then back to acting like none of that had ever happened- being my best friend, buying me gifts and telling me how much she loved me. I felt very isolated because through all this, she was always over-the-top charming with my friends and family, showering them with compliments and gifts. I didn't feel like I had anyone I could talk to who would believe me that she could be so cruel sometimes. Plus the way she treated everyone else kindly, and me poorly, really made me feel like there was truly something wrong with ME.
When we weren't planning the wedding the way she wanted, she would arrange her way of doing things as a “surprise” for us. When we didn’t like her surprise, we were treated as ungrateful and she would cry and make a scene. For her, I’m some evil witch that has cast a spell on her all-good son. I felt like I was going crazy and, I took her comments to heart. I ended up going through a difficult bout of depression and anxiety after all these years of attempts at wedding planning. No matter how much I tried to be kind, listen and work at bridging the distance, I was always wrong. (ie. If I say I like green, it’s because I’m a blue hater and personally trying to hurt her by hating blue.)
After the wedding, we learned that she was once again doing one of her “surprises” and making all the wedding albums to go out to the family herself without asking. My husband and I were trying to learn to set boundaries with her so we gently told her that we were taking care of making the albums and that we did not want her doing this. She flew off into a rage- one of her nastiest yet, and said some extremely hurtful things about me. She concluded the incident by sending me an email saying it was “good to clear the air” (even though this air-clearing was one sided). I decided this was the last straw for me. I didn’t have the strength to be this woman’s punching bag anymore. I have not spoken to her in the last year since the incident. While there has been a lot of guilt, I don’t regret it. For the first time in many years I have been able to focus on myself and the positive relationships I have with people I care about. I can heal, love myself, and be happy again. My husband still talks to his parents occasionally. She completely denies that the incident ever happened, to the point where I believe she may honestly have painted over it in her mind. She is back to being the victim where my silence is seen as the true confirmation that I hate her and am trying to separate her from her son. My husband has recently tried to push her for an apology, and that is where my question starts…
Essentially, I received a non-apology apology. A handwritten letter stating something along the lines of “I’m sorry I misunderstood, I have never had to learn how to deal with such a selfish (she loves to throw around the term “selfish” for anyone who doesn’t serve HER every need ALWAYS) mentally ill (I made the mistake of telling her I was dealing with anxiety and depression during the wedding planning and it is now her label for me) person before.”
How should I respond to this non-apology? Should I even respond? I am not willing to re-enter into a relationship with this woman while she is still behaving in this manner. Does she deserve this in writing or will that just backlash? Should my husband try to respond and re-affirm boundaries? Does this all even sound like BPD? (I know- so many questions!
) I get the impression that she believes she has made a genuine heart-felt apology. If I don’t forgive her and ignore it, then I am giving her the silent treatment after she has “tried to make amends”. I am once again the villain. If I point out that it was a hurtful letter that wasn't really taking any responsibility for her own behaviour, I’m sure I would get the rage and retaliation both in person and behind my back (possibly on social media as she facebook friended every relative, friend, and co-worker of mine that she clapped eyes on while visiting for a month for the wedding… and follows them online religiously.)
Her behavior always leaves me so dizzied, hurt and confused. Anyone have any advice on where to go from here?
