new to BPD

[drhow2]

I received an email from a friend that thought I needed to know more about BPD.  After reading several articles, I felt like someone was telling what was going on in my life without ever knowing me.  I was resigned to be single for the rest of my life and I was happy with that.  I was divorced twice and had kids with both spouses.  I get along quite well with both of them as well.

Anyway, I met a girl almost a year ago.  I was attracted both physically and emotionally.  After some time, I began noticing some peculiarity.  A lot of that peculiarity is described in detail in some of the BPD articles.

"How a Borderline Relationship Evolves" article describes my situation almost perfectly.  I have even been refered as her "Knight in Shining Armor".  I have fallen in love, but I am not sure if it is reciprocating anymore.  Many of the symptoms that I am finding about BPD are present.

I had been considering ending this relationship well before I even heard of BPD.  I am not sure that it would be a good idea for me to tell her that I think she has BPD and I would like you to take a test and get you the help you need.  Now that I think there is a possibility that she might have BPD, I have a strong desire to help her fix it.  Oh my - what am I getting in to.  I am finding that I am not the "great communicator" that I thought I was.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Now that I think there is a possibility that she might have BPD, I have a strong desire to help her fix it.  Oh my - what am I getting in to.  I am finding that I am not the "great communicator" that I thought I was.

It is admirable that you have a desire to "fix" her, however you can't. You can change the way you interact, and you can support her but you can't fix her.

This is however a common initial first reaction. It is not like you have discovered some physical ailment and so all you have to do is to drag her off to the GP to get the cure.

The road to recovery for a person with BPD is long and difficult, and they have to want to be on it. There will be a lot of collateral damage along the way. So you need to work on preparing yourself first. Working out why you are wanting/willing to do this in the first place as it will take a lot of commitment.

Keep reading and contributing here and the scope of what you are dealing wil start to become clear. You will hear "your story" echoed many times

Wavrider

[Skip]

I am not sure that it would be a good idea for me to tell her that I think she has BPD and I would like you to take a test and get you the help you need.  Now that I think there is a possibility that she might have BPD, I have a strong desire to help her fix it.  Oh my - what am I getting in to.  I am finding that I am not the "great communicator" that I thought I was.

This is a good read, a good starting point for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

Telling her she that you suspect BPD and she should get tested is not the place to start. Generally speaking, its better to focus on something that she wants to fix (like sadness, if that is the case) and to then encourage her to see a psychologist with experience in mood and personality disorders.  The idea that "I think you have BPD (a horrible mental illness) and lets go get it confirmed (that you are defective)" is not going to play well with anyone - and definitely not some one with a lot of shame.

Secondly, the medical profession diagnostic process often is to treat and rule out simpler conditions before going to one of BPD. Her therapist might try treating her for a much easier to treat condition like bipolar, for example, and only when that doesn't work, look for another possible diagnosis.

Studies show that having a supportive family member is a key to recovery.  What that role is, is worth researching as it is typically a highly trusted confidant, who is ver strong and committed. Mother's can do well in this role. So can partners, but trust and commitment is critical.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder

So... .

Why do you think BPD? What is happening in your relationship specifically?

[drhow2]

Keep reading and contributing here and the scope of what you are dealing will start to become clear. You will hear "your story" echoed many times.

You are so right.  I thought I was alone on an island and no one would understand.  I have read many eerily similar accounts and I even get responses from people that have empathy with my situation.  It is amazing how much I feel this person means to me, but the pressure is suffocating me.  I realize now that I may not be strong enough to help her.  I like words like patience, endurance, and commitment.  I was a college wrestler and I don't know the words like give up, retreat, quit, or succumb.  Maybe she knows those qualities in me and is holding on for dear life.  I just am not sure I am willing to drown while trying to save a life.

[drhow2]

The road to recovery for a person with BPD is long and difficult, and they have to want to be on it. There will be a lot of collateral damage along the way. So you need to work on preparing yourself first. Working out why you are wanting/willing to do this in the first place as it will take a lot of commitment.

Thank you for your supporting message.  I am not so sure I am prepared for the long and difficult road ahead.   She sure seems worth it to me now.  I am an early retiree and financially set forever.  Life was simple before last year.  The problem is that a lot of good comes with the bad part of the relationship.  In the whole scheme of things, it seems like it is a lot more tolerable now that I understand that the problem is not necessarily me.  I am praying and asking God for signs and direction.

[C.Stein]

The problem is that a lot of good comes with the bad part of the relationship.

Yes, and that is perhaps the hardest thing to reconcile.   

[waverider]

 I am not so sure I am prepared for the long and difficult road ahead.   She sure seems worth it to me now.  

No one ever is prepared. It is important though to be aware and centered. It is all to easy to get ahead of yourself and make too many assumptions.  Not everything that seems to fit BPD actually is, sometimes its just unfamiliar human behavior and we can lay the blame on a medical disorder when it is just someone being overly emotional.

Which particular aspects are causing you issues at the moment? It is much better to find somewhere to start that try to address it all at once which can overwhelm you.