Unable to move forward no matter which way I swim

[MincedGarlic]

I was doing so well (at least I thought) and find myself back shattered and heartbroken. I miss her so terribly terribly much despite her unacceptable actions and behaviours, especially at the end. Eight months NC and the 'incidental / contact but on her terms' over the last few weeks as per my last two posts drags me straight back to the intense raw pain.

I feel like I've only just come up for air and have then been dragged straight back down again. The 'accidental / incidental' contact attempts over the last few weeks had given me some hope that she may want to resolve things. I so badly want to reach out to her now but I fear that it will not lead anywhere good. Me reaching out would only be a violation of my own boundary for acceptable behaviour and actions.

The silly thing is that I've got it stuck in my head that these accidental attempts at contact are her way of trying to get me to resume communication with her without her handing over control or loosing face. Once, before we were living together there was a miscommunication that lead to us not talking for nearly a week. Rather than calling me, her dad called me to find out if something was wrong (we are 40!).

Knowing this I cannot see how she could with the situation as it stands make contact other than attempting accidentally. Clearly I am not over her, accepting how it is really I have been moving on with my life but with these recent incidental contact attempts I also have to accept that I am still in love with her, not the idea of her, or the lost dreams, but her.

I don't know what to do, I want to break NC but I can't. Me being the one to break it only leads to hurt and suffering for me so I'm continuing down the path of settling our assets formally. I cannot see how she would be able to break it either. I've spoken with my psych about this and he feels that I should not break contact but to talk to her if she 'tries' again. (Btw he is fully aware of her and in his words she screams BPD).

Who knows perhaps everything that's been happening recently really is a complete and bizarre coincidence and she is and has been totally over me for a long time. All I really know is that I'm intensely hurting as much as ever and feel completely broken, I can't take much more of this. NC seems to be a double edged sword, great at the start to gain distance, gain perspective and set healthy boundaries to protect yourself but confusion and heartbreak the longer it goes (for me anyway).

I've never been in so much pain in my life. I'm over being stuck in this place.

[C.Stein]

I know what you are going through.   I am still in love with my ex despite how much I had let her damage me.  I am struggling with enormous amounts of emotional pain, anger, guilt, remorse ... .the whole gambit.  It has almost incapacitated me and is impacting me on all levels.  I cannot understand why.

My ex also crossed boundaries during our relationship.  I just found out this week however that she quite likely crossed a boundary during our relationship that cannot be forgiven.  Whatever progress I had made towards accepting and healing was gone.   I try to hold onto some anger in an attempt to manage the other more crippling emotions, sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't.   It sucks feeling like you are finally getting some of YOU back, just to seemingly have it all ripped away in a moment.

I have been struggling with deciding if I should send a final contact email to her that will undoubtedly remove her from my life forever.  Somewhere in her chaotic mind she knows she really messed up me and our relationship even if she is almost certainly laying all the blame at my feet.    She has "moved on", but I know that will not last.  Now her shame and guilt may keep her from ever contacting me again, this email would ensure that she definitely would not, and it might help me to final let her go?  Can we ever really let someone go that we shared a deep emotional bond with?  

[cosmonaut]

Contact for a pwBPD is very often on their terms, because the disorder tends to mandate that.  It's important to keep in mind that silence for a pwBPD is many times used to protect themselves from further emotional dysregulation.  One of the hardest aspects for us to understand is that we have become a trigger for our ex.  We have become a source of extreme emotions.  Often pwBPD themselves feel highly conflicted about this separation from someone who used to be such a source of soothing to them.  Someone they may even still love.  They both want to speak to us and don't want to speak to us.  It is one of the many contradictions of the disorder; it is a serious mental illness.  This can lead to little bursts of contact followed by silence and refusals to return attempts to contact them.  I think that your T is correct in his advice that it is best to allow her to control the degree of contact based on her emotional state.

That said, you have to also consider your own well being.  You too have a right to consider your emotional welfare.  If allowing contact from her is proving to be too difficult for you then you also have a right to request that she allow you some space.  I would advise giving her the dignity of telling her this - after all you have formed a bond together.  You could make use of S.E.T. to explain this to her and give her an idea of when you might be able to talk again (if at all).  She may want to respond and I would also give her the opportunity to do so.  I think that's what anyone would want if someone important to them was going to be leaving their life, even if only temporarily.

I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.  I think all of us can understand and appreciate how much pain and confusion you are in.  It can take quite a long time to recover from a relationship like this.  Try and not be hard on yourself.

[MincedGarlic]

Often pwBPD themselves feel highly conflicted about this separation from someone who used to be such a source of soothing to them.  Someone they may even still love.  They both want to speak to us and don't want to speak to us.

That said, you have to also consider your own well being.  You too have a right to consider your emotional welfare.  If allowing contact from her is proving to be too difficult for you then you also have a right to request that she allow you some space.  

I would advise giving her the dignity of telling her this - after all you have formed a bond together.

She may want to respond and I would also give her the opportunity to do so.

Thanks for the advice.

I will write to her because of the impact that this coming past is having on me. How would I open up the option in such a message that lets her know it is safe to talk with me if that is what she wants? I think that knowing one way or another will let me move forward.

[Mutt]

MincedGarlic,

You've been in NC for 8 months. I can relate with being in minimal contact for a long period and feeling better only to feel like my ex wife opened a wound with what she had to say to me. I wasn't completely detached. Sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back. It's a part of detachment and healing.

I've never been in so much pain in my life. I'm over being stuck in this place.

There's a time and a place for everything. Is it something that you need to say to her now or can this wait until you're further along in your detachment where you feel like contact isn't going to impact your emotional state? Her attachment is still going to be there months from now?

Why did your P say it's a good idea to stay in NC and then talk to her if she reaches out? Did he / she say it's to let your ex know the emotional impact? Your ex suffers from a serious mental illness and has difficulties understanding the emotional state of others.

[MincedGarlic]

Why did your P say it's a good idea to stay in NC and then talk to her if she reaches out? Did he / she say it's to let your ex know the emotional impact? You're ex suffers from a serious mental illness and has difficulties understanding the emotional state of others.

Hi Mutt,

My P said that if I was to open the contact then that tells her that I am accepting of her behaviour and actions. He knows that I'm not over her and thinks that the accidental contact is not by any means an accident and that this may be the closest she can come to letting me know that she would like to talk without risking rejection or abandonment.

I know... .Lots of ifs and buts, however it has a severe impact on me when she does this and I need it to stop either way. The uncertainty that this is causing me is what leads me to want to know if she really does want to talk at all. As painful as it may be perhaps it would force me to move on if this is a complete coincidence and me projecting onto the situation.

This is me not letting go too, because I'd be lying if I said that I wouldn't like to resolve all this. This out of the blue and now regular placing of herself in my orbit has shown me that as much as I had convinced myself that I was moving on emotionally.

[C.Stein]

Dangerous ground you are walking on IMO.  Both wanting and not wanting the door closed is unbelievably confusing at best.  Tread lightly and take a long and hard look at what the potential consequences will be for both options. 

[MincedGarlic]

I wrote the message but can't bring myself to send it, I know it's not the right thing to do. Hurting so incredibly much

[C.Stein]

I wrote the message but can't bring myself to send it, I know it's not the right thing to do. Hurting so incredibly much

Mine is written too and I can't quite bring myself to send it either.  I just want the pain to stop.

[Mutt]

MincedGarlic,

It sounds like your intuition is warning you MincedGarlic. I suggest listen to your intuition, our intuition guides us.

Often pwBPD themselves feel highly conflicted about this separation from someone who used to be such a source of soothing to them.  Someone they may even still love.  They both want to speak to us and don't want to speak to us.  It is one of the many contradictions of the disorder; it is a serious mental illness.  This can lead to little bursts of contact followed by silence and refusals to return attempts to contact them.  I think that your T is correct in his advice that it is best to allow her to control the degree of contact based on her emotional state.

cosmonaut is right. I suggest reading about the disorder to depersonalize her behaviors. Also, maybe it's something that you can shelve for now and revisit in the future when you feel stronger? NC is not a hard and fast rule.

[cosmonaut]

I wrote the message but can't bring myself to send it, I know it's not the right thing to do. Hurting so incredibly much

Well, if you know it's not the right thing to do, then I think you have your answer.  It's not unusual to be very conflicted about what we want.  It's OK to have limited contact if that is what you want.  Just as it is OK to have no contact or frequent contact.  There are no right or wrong answers.  You need to do what you believe is the best for your healing.

If you want, maybe you could share why you are feeling this isn't the right thing to do?  What do you feel is the right thing to do?  If you called the shots, what would you have your ex do?

[MincedGarlic]

I wrote the message but can't bring myself to send it, I know it's not the right thing to do. Hurting so incredibly much

Well, if you know it's not the right thing to do, then I think you have your answer.  It's not unusual to be very conflicted about what we want.  It's OK to have limited contact if that is what you want.  Just as it is OK to have no contact or frequent contact.  There are no right or wrong answers.  You need to do what you believe is the best for your healing.

If you want, maybe you could share why you are feeling this isn't the right thing to do?  What do you feel is the right thing to do?  If you called the shots, what would you have your ex do?

Hi Cosmo,

Thank you for your responses, they have helped enormously and it is sincerely appreciated.

I am conflicted, I feel strongly that I want to send the message (my emotional side) though I cannot because me initiating the direct contact is me reacting to her behaviour - I have to put myself first and regardless of whether we ever spoke again or not I need to set healthy boundaries for me as hard as that is (my logical side).

I feel that I cannot do anything, that I need to remain / appear indifferent as reacting to her behaviour in the past never led anywhere positive.

Hypothetically if I could call the shots, if she wanted to speak to me rather than this out of the blue coming past work, my mail going missing then returned via lawyers, not returning my personal belongings she took and delaying the property settlement then I would like that she would give me the dignity of actually picking up the phone or sending me a message to communicate whatever it is that it is she wants to say.

I don't think this will happen, she has too much to risk emotionally to bring herself to do this. Throughout the relationship it was always me regardless of who she felt was at fault that had to make the first move for reconciliation, afterwards if she knew deep down that it was her and there was no way to place any blame on me I would then get a short, intensely emotional apology that felt like it took all her emotional strength to do.

This is why I know that she cannot physically be the one to initiate the direct contact, it would have to be me and I'm forcing myself to put me first, hence my confusion and dilemma.

What has changed is me, as much as I love her and want to be together if I don't love, value and respect myself then she won't either.

[PDQuick]

Good Morning Minced Garlic,

It is a strong emotional pain, isn't it? I remember sitting on my bed, tears flowing down my face, holding my knees in my chest and rocking back and forth. I wanted to go back to her, but I knew if I did, it would be the same, so I sat there, asking why did she have to be this way, and wishing she would change. We could be so good together... .Only if... .

One of the most amazing phenomena of these relationships are the intense highs and lows that we feel during them. There are times in these relationships when we feel so great, and the world is so perfect. Euphoria personified. We couldn't imagine being any happier.

Then there are the lows where we feel like failures, and no one will ever love us, and we just can't seem to do anything right. The pain is unbearable at times.

When we are in the apogee of these swings, we really cherish them. Yet, when we are at the bottom, we will literally do anything to get back to the top, where we so desperately want to be, and where we are in our personal heaven.

When we lose the object of our affection, we can't think of anything else but them, and how we can compromise ourselves to get back to them.

If you agree with what is written, take a deep breath.

What I have just described is not love, it is an addiction. Think about it, and if you need to reread the post in the terms of dealing with a cocaine addict, please do so.

These relationships are unlike no other. They unlock something inside of us, something many of us have never experienced. Without getting into the physiological aspect of these relationships, and how they affect us chemically, these relationships allow us to experience things that we have always wanted. They allow us to feel like we are the most important, and most loved beings on the planet. Unfortunately, they are so intense that they can't sustain themselves at that level, and they fall quickly. Then they boost us up again, and then fall quickly. It is the consistent inconsistency in them keeps us moving and shaking, trying to bounce that ball back up in the air once it is fallen. The longer and harder these things go on, the more we are willing to compromise ourselves to stay in them, only to feel the high that comes. That compromise is ourselves eroding away our internal love and respect.

Normal relationships do not experience those highs and lows, and stay more in the middle, where the situations are more predictable, and subdued. We have all had them.

Just like an addict, you are sitting there arguing with yourself. The emotional side wants the substance, and the reasonable side is telling you that you can't keep doing this.

Think of a graph. Now, pick a spot on the graph and draw a horizontal line. This line is what you want out of her, and the relationship. After all, what you want is pretty consistent. As the disordered person ascends and descends on their cycles of highs and lows, they will meet up with your horizontal line. What we tend to do is rationalize that when they do intersect that line, that they are the perfect partner. We focus on those moments so much that we completely disregard the rest of the map where they aren't even close to our line. They will spend 90% of their time away from our line. We are more focused on trying to do anything in our power to influence them back to the line. We will do things we wouldn't normally do, put up with things we wouldn't normally put up with, and try our best to alter their course to come back to that line. As bad as we don't want to admit it, when one force tries to alter the direction of another force, it is called manipulation.

I was the KING of passive manipulation. I tried any, and everything in my power to get to the woman I wanted. I wanted her back on my horizontal line. I changed myself, changed my dress style, altered my plans, bought her stuff, did things for her, all in an attempt to get her back to the line. When she was within 5% of my line, I deemed that person the woman I loved, and I wanted the rest of the woman gone, because I didn't like her at all. I actually separated her into two women. The woman I loved, and the possessed evil person that she became when she wasn't the woman I loved. If I could get rid of one, I could really enjoy the other.

Think of me going to McDonalds in the morning and ordering a Bacon, egg and cheese biscuit. Then when I got it, I would tear off the biscuit, throw out the egg, try in vain to wipe off the cheese, and only eat the bacon. But I loved the sandwich! Doesn't make much sense, but it is what we all try to do with these relationships.

When we are presented with a whole, and we pick out a part, it is not love. When it is not love, and we try to go back to get the high, it is an addiction.

[cosmonaut]

First of all, I would separate out the issue of your ex stopping by your workplace and also the problem of taking your mail.  Those are separate issues and they both need to stop.  I would recommend setting a firm boundary about those.

I would try and reframe your thinking about asking your ex for what you want.  I'm not sure that this is reacting to her behavior so much as looking out for your well being.  By remaining indifferent aren't you tacitly condoning the behavior?  How is she to know that this is something that you are not happy about unless you tell her?  It's possible she doesn't see anything wrong with contacting you, right?

Contacting you is an emotional experience for your ex, and she is a woman who has extreme emotions.  It is a product of her disorder and it is not something that she can control.  Treatment involves coping with these extreme emotions, but they can not be turned off.  So, it is something that we need to accept about our ex.  She will contact you when she is in an emotional state that she can handle it.  Whatever the reason, it will be on her terms.  Dealing with the issues of your separation, such as distribution of property, may be something that is very difficult for her because it is triggering her abandonment fears.  Is there a way that you could work through her lawyer?  That might be an easier way to handle such an emotional issue.

That's highly insightful for you to realize how difficult and emotional apologizing to you is for your ex.  pwBPD experience tremendous shame (Shari Manning, PhD has described shame as enemy number one of pwBPD).  Admitting something of the magnitude of her role in the breakup - which carries enormous shame - is something that I think unlikely to occur.  If you are waiting for this to happen, please be aware that it may never.  Closure is something that we often have to provide for ourselves in these relationships.  Our partner simply can't help to provide it.

I certainly understand your dilemma in contacting your ex, and I can appreciate how confused you feel.  These are highly confusing relationships.  Keep reflecting and posting here.  The answer will come.  There's no need to rush a decision.

[Conundrum]

If you initiate contact (and not saying that you should). It doesn't have to be about condoning her behaviour, all heavy and emo, or about the relationship woes and a running scorecard assigning fault. Contact can just be about connecting bc its fun, pleasant, endearing, cute, hot, sexy etc. Keep it light, fun, be charming, witty, and alluring. That'll give you breathing room without jumping into the frying pan.

[MincedGarlic]

I was the KING of passive manipulation. I tried any, and everything in my power to get to the woman I wanted. I wanted her back on my horizontal line. I changed myself, changed my dress style, altered my plans, bought her stuff, did things for her, all in an attempt to get her back to the line.

It was in the last year of our relationship where it really started to fall apart. I had always accepted (though not necessarily understood why the emotional intensity as I understood it at the time) this was who she was as a whole person. The last year involved one event after another of highly stressful situations that led to the eventual demise of the relationship as she did not have the ability to cope and I did not have the tools or understanding of the situation to respond appropriately. Subconsciously I twisted myself into a pretzel (borrowed from someone else's post) in an effort to avoid increasing the stress for her and triggering her trust issues. This was my mistake and fault.

Other than this I did not change who I was or what I wanted to do, and in retrospect she respected and trusted this in me, she felt secure because of my strength in that regard.

Yes I did get my needs met emotionally from her, very much completely. It was only in high times of stress that the devaluation occurred, really being objective the rest of the time, it was very normal as long as she knew and had reassurance that I was there for her. (In saying that her tolerance for stress is not very high).

It was when she was highly stressed that her behaviour and actions were physically and emotionally hurtful towards me. I am sure that now high levels of stress for her are associated with me, I am the trigger - "You make me feel like this", "No, (breaking up) this is not what I want at all". I know that this is because she cannot accept responsibility for her own feelings. She is the victim, once again.

My P has said that the best thing that could happen for me is that she decides to recycle and I accept because emotionally that is where I'm at and that one of two things would happen, either I would be able to adjust my behaviour and responses because we know that change is unlikely for her and we could be together (she always responded well when I never accepted the responsibility for her feelings and didn't let her cross my boundaries that I slowly let be eroded over time) or it would break again shortly after and this would be what I need to fully accept that it can never be and force me to move on(as it seems it takes most people here a recycle or two to fully accept).

This is how I feel, right or wrong, it just is.

[MincedGarlic]

Contacting you is an emotional experience for your ex, and she is a woman who has extreme emotions.  It is a product of her disorder and it is not something that she can control.  Treatment involves coping with these extreme emotions, but they can not be turned off.  So, it is something that we need to accept about our ex.  She will contact you when she is in an emotional state that she can handle it.  Whatever the reason, it will be on her terms.  Dealing with the issues of your separation, such as distribution of property, may be something that is very difficult for her because it is triggering her abandonment fears.  Is there a way that you could work through her lawyer?

I have accepted that I cannot change if and when she may reach out and contact, though however highly unlikely and as much as I wish she would. I'm not sure what I could do about working through with her lawyer and avoiding her abandonment fears, she feels a sense of entitlement way beyond reasonable and I am not willing to risk mine and my children's financial future over it.

I would like her to know that I am open to discussing anything ( with the exception of the asset division) with her if that is what she wanted though concerned at the same time if I let her know this that I am attempting to control / manipulate the outcome which I do not want or even worse to risk the asset division because of it.

Detaching emotionally feels impossible right now.

[MincedGarlic]

Good Morning Minced Garlic,

It is a strong emotional pain, isn't it? I remember sitting on my bed, tears flowing down my face, holding my knees in my chest and rocking back and forth.

How long did this last? Did it come back after a lengthy break from it at all?

I'm struggling to barely function. It's difficult to just breathe. I don't understand why now after all this time it has become so overwhelming for me. I feel completely broken.

I have to let this go but it's not what I want. I don't know what to do. I just need it to stop.  :'(

[cosmonaut]

Good Morning Minced Garlic,

It is a strong emotional pain, isn't it? I remember sitting on my bed, tears flowing down my face, holding my knees in my chest and rocking back and forth.

How long did this last? Did it come back after a lengthy break from it at all?

I'm struggling to barely function. It's difficult to just breathe. I don't understand why now after all this time it has become so overwhelming for me. I feel completely broken.

I have to let this go but it's not what I want. I don't know what to do. I just need it to stop.  :'(

These are immensely emotional breakups.  The consensus here is that a breakup with a partner with BPD is significantly more difficult than most other breakups.  This is certainly true in my own case.  I've never known heartbreak anything close to what I experienced with my ex.  We tend for form these incredibly loaded bonds with our ex and when this breaks it can be truly traumatic.  I sometimes think of it like splitting an atom.  When you remove an electron (non-BPD relationships) there is a fairly low level of energy release.  Some more explosive than others, of course, but nothing like the nuclear reaction that occurs when you split the nucleus of an atom (BPD relationship).  Feeling destroyed, shattered lost, disbelieving, hopeless, crushed, broken, and many other emotions are very common here.  So please know that you are in good company.  All of us have felt similar pain.

Grieving the loss of a relationship - any relationship - takes time.  It is a genuine loss just like a death.  This is exponentially so when there is the sort of loaded bonding in a relationship involving BPD.  When you add in abandonment, cheating, abuse, and other aspects that are fairly common in these relationships it only compounds the difficulty in recovering.  This isn't something that you can just stop.  Please don't be hard on yourself for not being able to turn this off.  It is a process to heal and it will take time.  Give yourself permission to do so.  Everyone here can support you in this and help to guide you along the path.  If you can find a therapist to work with that would also be an excellent way to work on recovering.