What was my trigger?

[alwaysloving]

It sounds like you have a good understanding of the disorder and the relationship. What is it you would like to get from her in terms of needs met at this point in time? (Please excuse the awkward grammar, it's late)

I would say relationship but right now that's not a good idea... I'd say friendship... but I have a question... say this relationship fails wont it be that much harder for her to be this close like shes with this guy now? I feel like I wasted 8 months.

I mean she told me things like she had to find herself and explore...

Do you think it's helping yourself to compare yourself to the other guys or the other relationships?

From where I sit it doesn't look like she's available for much of anything. Has she actually expressed a desire to be in a relationship with you?

Ha a few times... it went back and forth... I remember the night she called me telling me she was going to give me another shot. not knowing that I told her I had a date with a girl and boy did her tune change... last on Nov 27th she told me I may not want to be your girl but we can still be friends... so the next day I took it like that... just a hug and no hand holding... what does she do? I like to rest my hand on the shifter and she says if you want to hold my hand just do it! So she grabs it and holds it... rubs my neck a little and then gets sexual by spreading and having me feel her... seems a bit more then just trying to be friends... next thing I know later that night she tells me she has a boyfriend now and you know how I get...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alwaysloving]

So what would you like to get out of the relationship now? It seems like she is unavailable. I wasn't saying it was you, I was asking if there was anything that might have left you vulnerable to a person with BPD. Speaking from my own experience, I definitely let things happen too fast, I can only say that in hindsight. It is said that people with BPD Rush into relationships too quickly. People with BPD think feelings are facts. Have you done much reading in the lessons? Forgive me for not knowing much about your story. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. I'm sorry. 

I wanted a relationship... she would tell me so many times that she was not ready for one or she did not want to have to make time to plan if we wanted to do things together... she was always saying she had dreams about me cheating on her and I told her I never would do that and to stop thinking those thoughts... she would hold my hand and say I love you but don't say it back to me... She told me you are the only one I want to be with and to have a family with... and the same night we met up she talked about getting a apartment for us a 2 bedroom which was odd since that's very expensive in NYC.

I've did countless searching on BPD at least 3 months now and I have the walking on eggshells book to read, I just don't understand why and how... .it was like she was just stringing guys along until this guy came free... each time I see the picture of the two of them my skin gets hot and I feel like I'm going to go in a rage.

So may I ask what the nature of the relationship is now? Do you see each other or talk on the phone?

right now no... but she has a gift she has of mine last I know of she wanted to mail it to me when I asked but then it changed to me wanting to come pick it up... now I'm sure it's going to be mail again... I do notice when she gets rid of a guy she ends up calling me or texting me... That's how I know things are not going well and I feel she does that to use me as a ego boost but not to be in a relationship with me.

So this is the watch she got you for your birthday I take it?  You still haven't got it?  Seems like bait now... .carrot on a stick?

TBH I haven't asked her again yet because I know how she gets in a new relationship very cranky and when things start going south she calls or texts me wanting to hang out.

[unicorn2014]

Mike that's why I was asking about sexual boundaries. I hear you talking about her sexual behavior but what about your own?

[alwaysloving]

Mike that's why I was asking about sexual boundaries. I hear you talking about her sexual behavior but what about your own?

I don't do anything like what she does... I don't sleep around what so ever... it's funny you should ask this because I remember she wanted me to get tested and I passed and all she said was congrats on being clean and that was it... I'm glad my ins paid for it... she showed me her results but they were from mid feb of '15 but told me they were from a few months ago... it was odd wording that did not make sense... I showed her mine without hesitation.


That's one thing I don't do is fool around with multiple partners she would always assume I was cheating on her or going to cheat on her... she would always start off saying I had a dream about you and it always ended up with me cheating on her... This came around the 4-5 month mark... When I validated she would just say ummm... .okay... then would not bring it up again until a few weeks later or so.

[unicorn2014]

I reread your original post. It sounds like your relationship is predominantly sexual in nature. I'm probably not the best person to continue to advise you.

[alwaysloving]

I reread your original post. It sounds like your relationship is predominantly sexual in nature. I'm probably not the best person to continue to advise you.

Yeah it's sexual but most always without any action I called her out on it one can't keep using the same line over and over as a excuse.

[alwaysloving]

So what would you like to get out of the relationship now? It seems like she is unavailable. I wasn't saying it was you, I was asking if there was anything that might have left you vulnerable to a person with BPD. Speaking from my own experience, I definitely let things happen too fast, I can only say that in hindsight. It is said that people with BPD Rush into relationships too quickly. People with BPD think feelings are facts. Have you done much reading in the lessons? Forgive me for not knowing much about your story. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. I'm sorry. 

I wanted a relationship... she would tell me so many times that she was not ready for one or she did not want to have to make time to plan if we wanted to do things together... she was always saying she had dreams about me cheating on her and I told her I never would do that and to stop thinking those thoughts... she would hold my hand and say I love you but don't say it back to me... She told me you are the only one I want to be with and to have a family with... and the same night we met up she talked about getting a apartment for us a 2 bedroom which was odd since that's very expensive in NYC.

I've did countless searching on BPD at least 3 months now and I have the walking on eggshells book to read, I just don't understand why and how... .it was like she was just stringing guys along until this guy came free... each time I see the picture of the two of them my skin gets hot and I feel like I'm going to go in a rage.

So may I ask what the nature of the relationship is now? Do you see each other or talk on the phone?

right now no... but she has a gift she has of mine last I know of she wanted to mail it to me when I asked but then it changed to me wanting to come pick it up... now I'm sure it's going to be mail again... I do notice when she gets rid of a guy she ends up calling me or texting me... That's how I know things are not going well and I feel she does that to use me as a ego boost but not to be in a relationship with me.

So this is the watch she got you for your birthday I take it?  You still haven't got it?  Seems like bait now... .carrot on a stick?

Just came back from getting the watch... OK i knew she was going to get a little cranky but I did it anyways and I knew she would try and stall again but I pressed anyways... here is how the convo went... sorry my part is all jumbled... I was trying to do traffic plus type a few bits at a time... her wording is very very interesting... more so when I did not respond right back away and when i brought up stuff she said while holding my hand. When she came to the car she was going to sit but she knew she would fall asleep... we talked for a small bit and she watched me put the watch on and it really does look nice $275

So the text convo went like this...

Me: You working today? Just wondering if I can swing by to pick up my gift I don't get off work at Dooney until around 5 today

Her:Ok

Her:Of course I'm working

Me:Ok

Her:You can come after I get home if I'm not home I'll tell my mom to bring it down for you

Me:Ok feels a little funny I never met your mom before and now I might see her same with your cousin and sister

Her: yeah

Her:I have a dinner date with my boyfriend so I won't be able to

Her:I'll let u know

Me:Oh I see interesting... .

Her:What's interesting?

Her:?

Me:Hold on I'm outside directing traffic

Me:Ok I'm on a little break right now it's interesting because how you told me you were not looking for a relationship right now because you did not want to have to always plan on making time to go out it seems like that's no problem now it seems

Her:Different people brings different emotions I guess

Me:I'm not too sure about that

Me:But hey what do I know

Her:Uhm

Her:Mike I fold u you were never my type correct I told u to go on with your life get a girl have fun you're young. I wasn't looking for a relationship until I found a guy i really liked and he changed my whole perspective in dating and relationships trust me we argue because he knows I'm not ready for a relationship yet he helps me out thru my anxieties and worries.

Me:Nah I think you were playing his all along you kept talking sex and stuff but it was always your period or if I wasn't on my period I'd have sex with you it got to the point when you said that I know it would be something about your period I think it's crazy you had met the guy and buy you stuff and figure I'm good and then you Say you love him after a few weeks... Now the part on November 28th we went for lunch which I think was a slap in the face you grabbed my hand when really I did not expect you to do anything you were ready to bolt when I talked about having to go to the hotel to check in but when I did you tried to bait me by saying we should have sex then of course you said you were just coming off your period I wish I got $5 for each time you said that lets not forget all the other stuff you said how i was the only guy you wanted to have kids with I could go on and on... .I think it's a true slap in the face, you assumed I was having a female over I did not I wanted my time alone to relax and still then I had family bugging me... .I'm just really shocked and hurt more than anything else I felt like all those moments went to waste

Her:Jesus !

Me:That's his name!

Her:I never said I love him I clearly put he ❣ me that doesn't mean I love him or he loves me the same day I posted a picture was the same day he asked me out we use to talk before even before I meet you I wasn't interested in him he recently contacted me n I just gave him a chance n yes we went out to have fun but it was because you did all those things for me on my birthday and it'll only be fair I'll return the favor. Idc what u do in your personal life u can go out all u want have fun be alone that's not my business and the fact that I want to have your child doesn't mean I want to be with you and yes I mean that. Mike if I bring so much hurt to your life just delete me from everywhere and don't contact me again.  If you really love me you'll let me be happy

Me:You don't bring hurt in my life and I still love you no matter what and I want you to be happy I enjoy when we just talk and have fun I just don't want you push me away I could not think of a more wonderful person to be a mother of my children yeah I know I did not set boundaries in the beginning yeah I have to learn from that and seeing you smile is one of the things that truly means the world to me

Me:Please don't be upset ok?

Her:I'm not upset mike as a friend you deserve better

Me:Yeah but don't devalue yourself like that I think you are an awesome amazing friend/person I would not ever think of you in a bad way like you said on the 28th lets me friends so we will be friends point blank whatever happens happens you mean the world to me and I'm not going to let our friendship go to waste

Her:Okay

Her:I'm really happy mike

Her:Are you coming to pick up your gift tonight?

Me:If it's possible

Her:Ok

Me:What time should I come?

Me:If you said something I did not hear you because my phone was not switched to Bluetooth

Her:I was getting on the train I'm On my way home super tired

Me:Ok

Me:See you at the house

Her:What ?

Me:You asked me if I was coming tonight to pick the gift up and I said yes

Her:Ok

Her:But listen

Her:You come whenever u need to come to NY.

Me:What's that mean?

Me:Don't waste gas just to pick something up

Me:I'm not wasting gas

Her:Ok

Her:Just know I'm going to bed early

Me:You know I'm not that far

Her:I'm eating something then out to take a shower  n bed

Her:I'm sure you still will be up

Her:R u on your way ?

Her:I'm going to bed now

[alwaysloving]

LOL well she dumped the guy it did she sent me a text telling me shes single again and how "You know it's impossible for me to be in a relationship that's scary" She does not like how annoying I can get which is why she does not move closer... but I told her that's me I used to be a lot more passive... I'm just learning to speak up for myself a little more.

She says shes heartbroken not because she is single but because she can't love anyone

[Herodias]

Mike, what are you getting out of this? There are LOTS of available women out there! Give them a chance... .you don't need to catch a disease from her that will affect you future. Be glad you have only been involved for this long. I played around with mine like this in the beginning... .thinking we were soulmates! I put up with all of this crap and married him. We have been married 7 years together 9 and now getting divorced in a month. He cheated on me the whole time and he has another woman pregnant now. Believe me when I tell you it is very painful. If you enjoy drama and danger then stick with it, but I want to suggest to you while she is playing around, you may want to date other people and see what else is out there for you... .you don't seem to have any type of commitment here. You could find Joy instead of happiness. Happiness can be temporary.

[alwaysloving]

Mike, what are you getting out of this? There are LOTS of available women out there! Give them a chance... .you don't need to catch a disease from her that will affect you future. Be glad you have only been involved for this long. I played around with mine like this in the beginning... .thinking we were soulmates! I put up with all of this crap and married him. We have been married 7 years together 9 and now getting divorced in a month. He cheated on me the whole time and he has another woman pregnant now. Believe me when I tell you it is very painful. If you enjoy drama and danger then stick with it, but I want to suggest to you while she is playing around, you may want to date other people and see what else is out there for you... .you don't seem to have any type of commitment here. You could find Joy instead of happiness. Happiness can be temporary.

I remember her getting mad for me really going out on a date with another girl... but shes the one that said she wanted me to go out and date... I remember she sent me a text saying I was never going to find another girl like her. I kinda chuckled because how quick she went into trying to be nice.

[Herodias]

"I remember she sent me a text saying I was never going to find another girl like her"

Lets hope you don't,   They don't know what they want... .

[alwaysloving]

You got that right... she sent me this message since I work for a company that makes women's handbags... in a picture I took she pointed out one she wanted and to get it for me... I ordered it and shes like in shock that I got it... so I said think of it as a Christmas gift and shes like no way Mike!

[unicorn2014]

MikeCl, may I ask what's in this relationship for you?

[alwaysloving]

MikeCl, may I ask what's in this relationship for you?

Sex

[alwaysloving]

But in all seriousness trying to be a good friend... I have a good feeling shes not used to one person sticking around as much as I had including when shes pushed me away... her wording has changed to say things like "You know how I get" she hasn't questioned me anymore yet so far asking why I like her or want to be with her.

[alwaysloving]

So she called me... it's interesting... and as I expected she went into a little more detail about her life growing up... I should of asked sooner... she said she wants to go to T but she feels it's a waste of money to pay someone to listen to her problems when they don't "give a #%$#%" I told her I was going to suggest that to her she did not really say much about that... but then she went on to tell me about her father and why she is scared to get attached because he left her and her mother and sisters and because of that she's scared to get too close to anyone because it turns her away.

She stopped talking midway saying she did not want to talk about it anymore and it was making her sad... She went on to say that's why I like you... you are a good friend... .Now of course she had to tease me before calling saying she wanted to take pictures... when I asked in detail she said nude but she was just joking... but I did not take the bait I just asked like normal and then she said just normal everyday shots... Supposedly we are hanging out on Christmas day since we are both off for a little while... should be interesting.