How can I resist checking her facebook account?

[tribalmart]

Hi,

3 weeks no contact with my BPDex gf. I feel... Ok... .but the road is difficult! I have blocked her e-mail and Facebook, changed my cell phone number (because of her harassment). However, it's very difficult to resist checking her Facebook account... .For the moment I'm still able to resist. I know that doing it will only end by negative consequences. So any advices or opinion about that?

[once removed]

hey tribalmart 

you start by congratulating yourself for making it so far. i had tremendous difficulty with this for some time until i simply had enough. i dont have any hard advice, blocking is a great step in itself. i knew that peeking would end by negative consequences yet i did it, until the consequences became negative enough to stop me.

if you had asked me why i wanted to look at the time (and i would ask you that question), id have told you i felt like there was some source of information that i knew could and would hurt me, and i doubted my ability to resist looking, so i wanted to get the urge over with. the urge can be masochistic. i did at some point ask myself if i was willing to see myself in that light. it helped.

i also felt in a way that my urge was controlling; its hard to put into words, but i was uncomfortable with my need to check up on what she was up to.

at the end of the day i decided acting on my urge was unhealthy. i chose healthy, for me. my recovery progressed when i stopped peeking.

[tribalmart]

The Healing process is not linear... .yesterday I was great! today it's more difficult. A couple hours ago I was checking old pics of me (  only me   on my Facebook account. Even if she's blocked, it's still possible to see the comments she did at that time? with her small profile pic in a circle just beside the comments... .I have seen that she has changed her profile pic ans she put one of my favorite pic... .and she know it, I think it's 100% intentional! Anyways... .NC for 3 weeks and I dont want to break all that hard work I have done! I have decided to stop everything with her... .manipulation, lies... .harassment was terrible. I had to fake the police complaint to get back my life. So now... .why thinking to check her FB? Honnestly... .It's not clear in my head? I'm not proud to say that I still feel something for her... maybe only sexual... .but mainly I feel rage and anger... .frustation because I have been hooked and duped, I'm an honnest man and I did so much for her... .too much I think and I'm very wounded. I know that this girl is not for me, I know how to heal and all the theory, but my heart and my soul are sick and VERY confused with all those mixed emotions. I think alot... .you know deep introspection but for the moment my heart and my soul are giving me 2 opposite messages!

[Darsha500]

I like once removed's advice of congratulating yourself first and foremost. Getting through the first three weeks, finding the resolve to block her on all fronts, that shows a kind of determination that is worth celebrating.

For me, I've never had the desire to check my exs Facebook. I've accidently caught sight of her profile pictures a few time and every time it sent me into a panic. By checking her Facebook, i essentially would be toruring myself. There is no telling what I would find on there. But I feel certain that none of it would be beneficial to my recovery. On the contrary, I'm quite certain it would be detrimental to it.

That is not to say that I don't wonder about her all the time. There is a part of me that is curious about what she's up to. Checking her Facebook would be an easy way to put that curiousity to bed.

I prefer, however, to tell myself, "it doesn't matter." This phrase is very powerful. It's a very conclusive statement. Whatever she is up to, its inconsequential to my life and my path.

Lately, the word pops in my head: "Remeber." - referring to all the horrible things that transpired only months ago. I respond to this thought: "forget." I do not mean forget in any literal way. Rather, I mean, let go of the past and concentrate on moving forward. Easier said than done, especially at three weeks out!

On many occasions in the first few weeks of my recovery, I did things that I regretted. Reading over past chat transcripts, listening to songs we shared together, etc. these things only served to arouse pain.

However, it's a journey, a journey unique to each of us. Ultimately, doing what's best for you is what's most important. Some times we have to make mistakes to figure out how to grieve without any added unessecary stressors.

[myself]

As the patterns change, and life goes on, the relationship and urges fade.

[once removed]

tribalmart, can i ask what you mean when you say you were duped?

[tribalmart]

In my opinion, even if she will never know, checking her FB would be a failure in that NC process. I'm very demanding to myself and I'm also very persevering. I will not give up and I'm going to stay strong... .being to impulsive will not pay long term. I'm on a good track, Im gonna keep going! I like the idea of repeating myself "it doesnt matter"

[Turkish]

You only have you. I blocked my Ex before she moved out, as I was tired of seeing the hardly subtle devaluations of me publicly. 1.5 years after she moved out, I deactivated my old account for reasons unrelated to her. I made a new one for my kids. One day, I realized that I could check her page. Bad idea. Mostly pics of her and her "new" H, and a few of the juvenile memes she posts. It was mildly triggering. What was my motivation? Curiosity. We know happened to that cat.

Curiosity or attachment is understandable. Given the trauma, however, do you want to revisit it? It was helpful to me insofar as confirming what I already knew. I looked outside for validation of my feelings. The most assured validation comes from within, since we know ourselves best.

Detachment is a goal, but detaching is a journey. Focus on the journey, and you will find yourself at the goal...

[tribalmart]

duped... .mean I have been fooled, cheated. I tought she was an angel but she was very toxic. You can't figure out how she played in my back! She was the shy and low profile type... .but that was only an illusion!

[once removed]

i understand.

but i can also see why that narrative would be especially painful. when i first learned about BPD i felt like a sucker, which was a pretty big blow to my ego as i dont consider myself one. then i learned a bit more about the disorder and i realized that line of thinking didnt really line up with BPD pathology to begin with.

people with BPD are generally not con artists or predators. in fact for the most part, they wanted the love they professed to us as badly if not more than we did. for reasons related to the disorder, those feelings are not sustainable.

i think one of the reasons we often get the sense that we have been fooled by our exes is that yes, they behave in ways contradictory to what we think we know of them. there is a great deal under the surface, revolving around intense shame and self loathing that we often dont see. so the disorder manifests in ways that are hard for us to understand or believe.

i understand you were hurt, and you are certainly entitled to righteous anger. but i think it would be cruel to yourself and not a realistic assessment of your relationship to dismiss everything you experienced as an illusion. i think it would leave me very angry and in a lot of pain.

[Darsha500]

I've used that same language: duped, hoodwinked, betrayed, deceived.

However, looking back now, in the early days there was always that feeling of, "this is too good to be true." As if a part of me knew that I was dealing with a kind of trickster; that I was playing with fire and liable to get burned. I knew this going in, to some extent.

I'm very fond of this phrase I came up with: "I'm a volunteer, not a victim."

I certainly feel as though I am a victim. Automatically, in fact, my thinking will flow in this direction. And Ofcourse this thinking is justified, to a certain extent.

But, it's almost like, knowingly going into a lions den or walking down a gang infested alley only to get eaten or robbed. How much does that victim mentality really hold up in those situations. I wasn't completely naive, after all, there were tons of red flags. But I CHOSEto walk past them. I didn't ignore them, they registered, I chose to continue down the path that was littered with warning signs: Potential danger ahead! Beware!

It's actually kind of funny. Today I was toying with this idea that: I got what was coming to me. As if I was secretly (unconsciously) pursuing the tragedy that was the final catastrophe marking the end of my relationship. It's sort of a morbid thought. But it's an interesting one in light of how this tradegy has been the catalyst for some of the most significant personal growth. Growth that was very much needed, as if it were fate... .

AH! Here we have it, it is amor fati - the love of fate.

Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance does not necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, it can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurrence": a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity.

[Darsha500]

Mmmm,

Once removed just made some awesome points that I wanna comment on.

I think there is that tendency to want to discredit the relationship as a kind of sham. I had this thought early on, I thought, "that relationship dosent even count."

What a silly thought. By what criteria can one judge whether a relationship counts? "Oh no, you don't get a point for that one!" Silly.

Ofcourse it counts. It counts for what it was in the moment for me. Very jubilant moments. Very heart wrenching moments. And everything In between.

I was just thinking that I can liken it to my experience with Christianity. I was a devote Christian and I would worship like a maniac at church. When I did, I would feel this intense oneness with God, this ecstasy like I can't describe. Just over flowing with unconditional love.

But I'm no longer a Christian. What does that make of those experiences. At first, when I renounced Christianity, I felt duped. Like, how did I follow that for so many years? It was all meaningless, pointless. Again, it's that tendency to discredit.

Truth is, nothing can negate those moments of elation I felt while worshipping God in a Christian paradigm. Dosent matter that I no longer agree/follow Christianity. Those moments were real and significant to me.

I like to think of it the same way with my ex. "Well? Was it true love? Was any of it real?"

Those questions aren't real! its just analysis, analysis, analysis. (Which I love.) it's abstraction, and can become so far removed from experience. It's easy to forget this.

The time we spent together, the feelings we exchanged. They all just happened.

[hurting300]

Who says you can't check it? Look at it. Look at it everyday because sooner or later you'll get bored.

[enlighten me]

I blocked my ex wife on fb so never saw what was going on. With my exgf we remained fb friends due to it being the only way she would communicate about my son when I was away.

It can be a double edged sword and not something I would recommend early on when detaching. That said it has been useful for me in the detachment process. I have seen her oh so happy posts and how she was with her now exbf. The reality was a lot different. She portrayed this loving girlfriend but the amount of times I dropped our son off and her bedroom curtains where drawn and her landlords car was there painted a different picture. I also picked up behaviour patterns which where useful as I knew what I would be walking into when dropping off or picking up my son. The most useful thing though was that it made seeing her less triggering.

There are a lot of people who have gone NC and bumped into their exs which has left them shaken. They haven't had a chance to desensitize. Im not saying that you should look especially if theres no chance of ever bumping into them but if you have kids or have to interact then looking could be a good thing.

I think whats more important though is why are you looking. Is it because you want to see them fail or just that you miss them.

One thing to remember though is no one looks bad on their fb page. If we were living the lives portrayed on fb then everyone would be blissfully happy.

[tribalmart]

That's a fact that on FB everyone looks happy, and the reality is OFTEN alot different. So, at this early stage of detaching I think it's not a good idea even if there's a huge curiosity... .I'm dreaming about that day when I'll will be totally disinterested by everything related to her. Reading all your replies make me think about the reasons why I'm so curious. In fact, honnestly, there's 2 answers. Like enlighten me said, first- I want her to fail (kind of revenge, hope that the wheel is going to turn) and 2nd- I miss her even if I know it's impossible between us and she hurted me more than everybody else in my all life. The more I think, the more I realize that for the moment going on her FB profile is not a good idea to move on.

[once removed]

be very careful about basing your recovery on the hope that she fails. it is a very shaky foundation. live your life, become the best version of yourself, be the best you can be. you will find yourself hoping that she finds peace and succeeds, or you simply wont care.

[MSNYC]

I too have trouble with not checking his instagram and FB posts. They are this strange way of remaining in contact with someone I have had trouble letting go of, and someone I miss a great deal, and also someone I'm very curious about in the context of BPD (i.e. how's he doing etc). I can say that all this checking up on him led me to go from about a month of NC to some recent low-contact (we send each other a few text messages a day over the past week). Nothing damaging has occurred as a result (yet?), but it's safe to say that it's because I was "reaching out" via online checking-up on him that led me to reestablish some light contact. 

If you are resolute in remaining NC, it's probably best to not check up them. Though maybe the other poster is right - eventually you'll get bored?

I also have a friend who showed me that my ex is on on OKCupid (she came across his profile) and so the knowledge that he's dating again, while it hurt, also made it feel somewhat "safer" to reestablish contact. I don't think that's entirely rational, but there you have it.

[tribalmart]

I'm not intentionally basing my recovery on hopes she will fail and suffer... .if I'm honnest to myself there's a part of me that wish her failure and bad luck. I know it's not sane but I think it's part of the healing process. I'm not feeling good with all that rage and anger inside of me but I only react after being attacked.

I think checking her FB will in any ways increase that rage. At 95% I will see fake happinness because FB is lie. A BPD FB profile will be even more "false" and will generate self questioning and caring about many things that does not exist. Sometimes I think about her, thinking she's very happy... .My vision is very disturbed by all those mixed emotions and because it's still very recent.

[balletomane]

I'm not intentionally basing my recovery on hopes she will fail and suffer... .if I'm honnest to myself there's a part of me that wish her failure and bad luck. I know it's not sane but I think it's part of the healing process. I'm not feeling good with all that rage and anger inside of me but I only react after being attacked.

I think checking her FB will in any ways increase that rage. At 95% I will see fake happinness because FB is lie. A BPD FB profile will be even more "false" and will generate self questioning and caring about many things that does not exist. Sometimes I think about her, thinking she's very happy... .My vision is very disturbed by all those mixed emotions and because it's still very recent.

Tribalmart, I can relate to what you write in some ways. I want my ex's relationship with my replacement to go wrong, not because I wish him hurt, but because I want proof that it wasn't my fault that everything went so wrong. I felt so defective and second-class next to her. Part of me also doesn't think it's fair that I should be in so much pain while he skips off to be happy with the next person.

But he has a personality disorder and he spends a lot of his time feeling very miserable or experiencing mood swings and sudden black/white switches in thought. Of course he is not just enjoying life without a care in the world. His illness causes him pain. I know that. I think on the logical level so do you, about your ex. You aren't alone in your pain. In fact, you are likely to stop hurting sooner - it is much easier to move on from a traumatic relationship that it is to recover from a deeply entrenched mental health problem like BPD. You have your life ahead of you; things will not always be as painful as they are now. In the first few weeks after my ex replaced me (with zero warning, I might add, when he was still romantically and sexually intimate with me) I felt as though my rib cage was being dislocated millimetre by millimetre. It was pain that I have never felt before and I hope never to feel again. But little by little it got better. Seven months later, I am still far from over him - I have good days and bad days - but I am starting to take more of an interest in life and I no longer feel as though he and the memory of him infest every single corner of it. You will get there.

Checking Facebook is something I struggle with too. Even though I deleted him from my friends' list, some things are still visible. I decided to focus on reducing the amount I check first, as that seemed more realistic for me than going cold-turkey. Whenever I got the urge, I'd tell myself, "You've made it two days, see if you can make it three." Then three days became a week, and eventually I made it six weeks without checking - I would distract myself with other things, go for a walk, read a chapter of a new book. In the end I started to feel better and I realised that this was down to not checking up on him, so now I feel far less motivated to do it - I value my improvement too much.

I did fall off the wagon today and immediately felt a stab of pain when I saw that my replacement had liked his most recent post. My first thought: "They're still together." Then I noticed a few things that suggest there's trouble in paradise, and I instantly felt cheered up. I know I am going to have to fight hard against the urges to check again, but it's worth fighting - we can't make our happiness contingent on what our exes are or aren't doing. We have lives of our own to make, so let's go out and make them.

P.S. Darsha, I love that phrase - "I'm a volunteer, not a victim." Like you, I walked past innumerable red flags, and I actually spoke about one of them the second time we kissed. I told him, nervously, that he has always seemed to be the kind of person who lives in the moment without much thought for the future or ability to reflect on the past. I was wary of getting into a relationship with someone who had such a turbulent history of relationships, who would be head over heels in love with someone one minute and telling me how abusive they were the next. He said, "I think this is a pretty good moment to be in," and kissed me again. I didn't pursue it. Ultimately I ended up in the very situation that I was so worried about, and I did volunteer for that. However emotionally abusive and manipulative he was to me (including in ways that I could not have foreseen - being in an intimate relationship seems to bring out a poisonous streak in him that I'd never seen before), I chose to enter a relationship that I sensed could not end well. And I have been beating myself up for that. Saying "I'm a volunteer" helps, as it suggests that if I volunteered to enter the situation, I can volunteer to leave it - I do have agency and the power to tackle this hurt and grief.

[Hopeful83]

  I just wanted to add my two cents.

When my now ex and I broke up, I deleted and blocked him immediately off all social media accounts. It was like ripping off a band aid. I did it in anger, and I'm glad I didn't think too much about it at the time as I'm sure it would have been much harder to do once I had calmed down.

After that, I only tripped up once, when at about a month or so into the breakup I went on his Instagram and saw that he was interacting with his now fiancee with 'baby' and other cheesy comments. It triggered me BIG style, I went into a rage (I vividly remember how hard my heart was thumping), and messaged him saying I wanted to talk to him. Thankfully due to the time difference, he was asleep at the time, and started messaging me in the morning once he woke up. By then my anger had subsided and I decided I still had zero desire to interact with him, as there was no point trying to reason with someone whose perception of reality has switched overnight. So I ignored him.

My point is: that is the only time I broke NC in the five months that we've been broken up, and it was triggered by social media. I decided after that that I wouldn't do it to myself anymore. Sure, I'm curious as to what he's up to, but what's the point? I know from friends of mine that even though he's posing with his new fiancee in the photos that he looks miserable - I've had five different people tell me this same thing, and I know they're not just saying it 'to make me feel better.' And yet I'm still happy that I haven't seen the photo, as i know it will just trigger me. And if he is looking miserable and I see the evidence, that's likely to make me question what's going on etc and it will just prolong my detachment.

Isn't your sanity and recovery more important? That's the question I asked myself, and I decided that it's what matters the most to me right now. I'm sure I'll find out more random unwanted information along the way, but I refuse to go out there looking for it. It's hard enough trying to get through this without adding to my pain with social media monitoring. 

[hurting300]

When I look at my exes Facebook it helps me... I can see the disorder shining thru. Then, I think to myself... .

[Herodias]

Oddly my stbx husbands gf posts everything to the public! He and I have each other blocked. I did watch her stuff but it's getting to be less and I'm looking less. The Lovebombing was hard but that's over. I can't believe they are still together after about 9 months, but there is s chance she is pregnant. That's not definite. They are not happy anymore- that's obvious and they don't post pictures together/ she's missing her family in another state and she is demoted or chose to be at work. That doesn't look good on him having promoted her too quickly! He's tried to contact me twice but I don't respond. He's saying he hates the distance between us and we should speak, but at the same time he's threatening to take me to court! He's ruined Xmas for me, I have ptsd- I keep crying when I go into the stores filled with the stuff now. He had me leave my own home last year so he could bring a woman into our bed! He's a horrible person! I hope he is miserable and it seems he is... .I just can't wait to be divorced and pray I can meet someone normal one day. 

[tribalmart]

The more I think about it, the more I realize that going on her FB is a really BAD idea. Some days (like today) I feel sad and almost depressed... .I'm not strong enough to handle being exposed to some things that can trigger VERY negative emotions. Maybe later in the Healing process but for the moment I'm far from there!