How to let go and finally move forward

[Hopeful83]

Hi guys,

It's almost five months since the breakup now. I came across this board after Googling something when it first happened. My breakup was so bizarre that it left me wondering "what the hell just went on?" Reading the stories on here and educating myself on BPD led me to believe that my ex had strong BPD traits, and that even my mother does, which was useful in showing me why I stayed in a relationship with some who had awful spells of rage for so long. I loved him dearly, and he was a great person, but he's also got a problem and sadly he just doesn't take it seriously enough to do anything about it. He was sexually abused as a child and his parents don't even know about it, and he claims what happened doesn't bother him, but his behaviours tell a whole different story.  

The problem I have, though, is I just can't seem to move on: not in the sense that I want him back. He's engaged and has refused to acknowledge that he has a problem, which makes our relationship pretty much DNR. But it seems like the more I search for answers, the more I complicate things for myself. I open one box wondering "will this hold the answers?" and as soon as I've exhausted all the possibilities in there, I think of another box, and start rummaging through.

This is a painful process, because the more I rummage, the more I remember random things that were said and that happened, and then I wonder if any of those things hold any meaning. I get confused, triggered, hurt and upset.

A friend of mine said something wise which made a lot of sense. He said something along the lines of "think of the millions of interactions you have with your partner over the years. Do you really think you'll be able to use one thing out of all the things he ever said as proof of anything?"

And he's right. Seemingly meaningless conversations take on new meaning when you're hurt and looking for answers, but can I use things as proof of anything? No. And yet I still insist on driving myself crazy with questions, hurting myself in the process.

I have all sorts of crazy theories in my head now - even one that tells me that he's secretly gay. It's amazing how you can twist things in your mind when you're looking for 'logical' answers.

I don't know how to stop. I try to, but it's so hard. I hate to admit I miss him, but I do. Despite the fact he showed zero respect for me or the relationship when everything ended, and moved on instantly to someone else, I miss him. I'm also angry with him. Angry with his family for interfering and being racist. Angry with the new woman for taking her chance and succeeding.

I just wonder how one stops questioning. It's been five months - clearly nothing that I already know is going to give me the answers that I need, so why do I keep doing this to myself? And at the end of the day, does it matter if he was BPD or not? Does it matter if the reason he walked away was because of an ultimatum his family gave him? Does it matter whether he was hiding something from me or not? What does it matter? Ultimately, he crushed everything we had in an instant and moved on without giving me a second thought. He's now still trying to hurt me by spreading the photos of him and his new beau claiming how happy he is. I wasn't perfect in the relationship - no one ever is. But I would never, ever disrespect someone I love/loved in this way, and I deserve someone who would treat me with the same respect.

This is so hard. I really feel for every single person who here whenever I read the stories of confusion and pain. Because BPD or not, most of us ended up on this board because someone we loved hurt us and offered no good explanation as to why they walked away. This is not how one should treat another human being.

[MincedGarlic]

Hi hopeful,

I'm sorry that you are going through so much pain and anguish. I can't tell you that it gets better, I myself am eight months out and still hurt like hell. Frustratingly we both know that letting go is something that only we can do for ourselves, not our ex, those that care about us or anyone on this board.

You are right, no one regardless of whether there is a PD in the mix or not should be treated like that, especially from someone who supposedly loved and cared about our well being.

What I do know is that in some of my darkest moments (especially now) posting on here, having people who have been there to listen, understand, and acknowledge what I am going through along with helping me through the process has been something that I have been and continue to be sincerely greatful for. I honestly don't know how I could get through without it.

I hope you find this too, there are some amazing people here who do care about what you are going through.

Best wishes, MG.

[Hopeful83]

Hi hopeful,

I'm sorry that you are going through so much pain and anguish. I can't tell you that it gets better, I myself am eight months out and still hurt like hell. Frustratingly we both know that letting go is something that only we can do for ourselves, not our ex, those that care about us or anyone on this board.

You are right, no one regardless of whether there is a PD in the mix or not should be treated like that, especially from someone who supposedly loved and cared about our well being.

What I do know is that in some of my darkest moments (especially now) posting on here, having people who have been there to listen, understand, and acknowledge what I am going through along with helping me through the process has been something that I have been and continue to be sincerely greatful for. I honestly don't know how I could get through without it.

I hope you find this too, there are some amazing people here who do care about what you are going through.

Best wishes, MG.

Hi MG,

Thank you for your reply    All the lovely people on this board really have helped a lot. I feel I cannot be as honest as I want to with my friends and family, not because they don't care, but because I feel like I'm a broken record now, going over the same things over and over again.

I know that as part of the healing process we're supposed to lean into our pain, so I'm doing as much as that as I can, but I wonder at what point does leaning into pain become procrastination or harmful? Surely there's a cut off point - when do you know you've reached that cut off point of "that's enough now." And then you need to give yourself some tough love.

Eight months out, hey? Give yourself a pat on the back for everything you've achieved until this point. These breakups aren't easy. When I was curled in a ball crying my eyes out the other night I realised that this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

No break up is a walk in the park, and you're always left with unanswered questions to some degree, but I find that the stories shared on here are so, so, so extreme. That's why I post here time and time again - because 99 per cent of people I know have never experienced something so unexpected and gut-wrenchingly confusing. Whereas on here I feel that 99 per cent DO identify with these experiences.

Anyway, thanks again for the reply.

[enlighten me]

Hi Hopeful

The reason we cant make sense of it is that we think differently to them. I like to think that our brains are just wired differently so our thought processes are different.

What makes it hard is that neither us or our SO see that our behaviour is anything other than normal. Ive read a number of things written by pwBPD that are in recovery and they never understood the hurt they caused. They saw their behaviour as a reaction and believed that as they lied and cheated then everyone did this.

What helped me to move on was to think of it as a physical difference in how we think. Im not saying that this is the case but for me to believe that there was a physical difference that could not be changed stopped me hoping that things could be different.

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful

The reason we cant make sense of it is that we think differently to them. I like to think that our brains are just wired differently so our thought processes are different.

What makes it hard is that neither us or our SO see that our behaviour is anything other than normal. Ive read a number of things written by pwBPD that are in recovery and they never understood the hurt they caused. They saw their behaviour as a reaction and believed that as they lied and cheated then everyone did this.

What helped me to move on was to think of it as a physical difference in how we think. Im not saying that this is the case but for me to believe that there was a physical difference that could not be changed stopped me hoping that things could be different.

Hi Enlighten Me,

That's a good way of thinking about it and is how I was starting to see things a few weeks back. I feel like I've relapsed over the last week or so, and I'm not too sure what's triggered this backwards turn. I'd love to see a T to try and work through some of these things with a professional, but a) I cannot afford it right now and b) I'm staying with my family, and there's no one in the vicinity whom I trust. So I need to wait a while.

I guess I struggle with the fact it's over and that him and I may have been experiencing the whole relationship differently. All those years, the rages aside, I always felt that he was genuine and that he loved me deeply. When something like this happens, though, it shakes your belief system. Not only am I left wondering if the relationship was even real, I start to doubt my own judgment and instincts. I've never thought of myself as someone gullible, which is why I'm surprised I didn't see any 'signs' that this was about to happen. It all imploded in a matter of weeks.

I hate that this has taken over my life for the past five months. I just want to be at peace again, to put this whole thing behind me and to rebuild my life the way I want it. I want to meet someone when I'm over the whole ordeal - someone healthy, someone who would never do something as callous as this. Is that attainable, I ask myself? Who knows, but I don't want to give up hope. I want a family, I want stability. I don't want this experience to mar everything. I feel like it's stolen some of my 'innocence' (for lack of a better word) and I don't want to become bitter or hateful.

I know I can be better again. I was single for most of my 20s before I met him and it never bothered me. Now that I've experienced what it's like to be in a relationship - to have someone to call when something great happens, to have someone waiting for you when you get home, to have someone sending you loving messages throughout the day - I miss it. But what I need to remind myself is of the bad times - it's not healthy to be with someone who screams in your face, pushes you, slaps you and stamps on your feet. How did I 'overlook' all this for so long? I guess I was just so happy to have someone who loved me I brushed the horrible stuff aside. When things were good, they were brilliant. But this is not enough, and I would never put myself through something like that again.

His rages were a sign that there was something 'up' with him. I knew that. But I stuck by him, because I genuinely believed in him and that he could get better. I guess the joke was on me in the end.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Just feels good to type these things out sometimes.

Hopeful

[Michelle27]

Hopeful, when I look back at the bad times and realize the extent to what I put up with, I am blown away.  For years, I carried around clothing and overnight stuff in my car in case I had to flee my home, which I did dozens of times.  How on earth did I ever think this could be in any way a normal part of a relationship?  Looking at this is what made me realize my own culpability in allowing the relationship to be as toxic as it was and to move forward getting healthy.  I realize now that the good parts of my relationship cannot and never should have allowed me to overlook the abuse, lies and cheating.  No relationship is perfect, but when the bad parts are as bad as what many of us experienced, we need to see it clearly for what it is.

[Hopeful83]

Hopeful, when I look back at the bad times and realize the extent to what I put up with, I am blown away.  For years, I carried around clothing and overnight stuff in my car in case I had to flee my home, which I did dozens of times.  How on earth did I ever think this could be in any way a normal part of a relationship?  Looking at this is what made me realize my own culpability in allowing the relationship to be as toxic as it was and to move forward getting healthy.  I realize now that the good parts of my relationship cannot and never should have allowed me to overlook the abuse, lies and cheating.  No relationship is perfect, but when the bad parts are as bad as what many of us experienced, we need to see it clearly for what it is.

Hi Michelle27,

Sounds like you were always on high alert. That's no way to live. I guess even I was, although I didn't have a bag of clothes packed.

And even though I *know* that this isn't the type of relationship that I want (I even told him I'd never marry him unless he got his rage issues under control) I still question everything, as if I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I'm not perfect either, but I wasn't abusive towards him, and I would have never, ever did what he did to me in the end and crushed every single dream we had made together in an instant.

Why do the reasons matter? What matters here is that he hurt me deeply in a way that no one should hurt another person whom they claim to love. I deserve better than that, faults and all. And i definitely don't deserve someone who screams profanities in my face, is out of control, ties belts around his neck when he's in a rage, and still denies he has a problem.

And yet, I still find it hard to let go and look forward. The mind boggles.

[Michelle27]

High alert is right.  "Walking on eggshells" always.  7 months since we began our therapeutic separation (3 months later it was over for good) I am still dealing with the effects of being on high alert for years.  I get anxious when other people get frustrated around me, but I am healing and learning what is normal and what isn't. 

I wasn't abusive either although I clearly see my own unhealthy coping mechanisms, including responding to some rages with my own escalated anger (raised voice, repeating myself in hopes that logic would prevail) and pulling back instead of ending things when I should have.  Most importantly, I realize that my own lack of healthy boundaries is what led to most of what I endured and the stresses of waiting for the next ax to fall.

5 years ago, I discovered the existence of BPD and it fit and explained everything.  I learned everything I could, made the mistake of trying to convince him of what was going on, changed my own responses and began the process of learning to take care of myself.  It was a slow process but eventually I came to also believe that I deserved better and that his words to that effect meant nothing when the actions didn't change.  I'm relieved to be out of the relationship, but dealing with the healing as well as healing of our daughter is going to take time. 

[OnceConfused]

hopeful:

First of all, tell yourself that this is over as he is engaged. say a prayer for their happiness.

secondly, look at this not as a failure of your part or his part, but only as a lesson to be learned. so ask the question what have I learned so that I won't repeat any of these again. That is the way that can help you move on, accept what is as what is and don't worry about whatifs or shoulds or coulds. Once you did the inventory then you can grow and the next person in your life will be the very lucky one.

Thirdly, you have to empty your cup of the old festered water. How do you do that? By pouring in with new fresh water like reconnecting with old friends, new activities, new classes, ... .  This way your mind does not have enough iddle time to wander back to the past.

Good luck.

[C.Stein]

I feel like I'm a broken record now, going over the same things over and over again.

Have you gained any insight from this?  I am victim to this broken record in my own mind, but at some point you (we) need to pick up the needle and move past the break because the answers just aren't there.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Hopeful

Guess I will chime in with others and offer some experience that may (or may not) be helpful.

I too spent a lot of time trying to figure it all out and came up with theories as to why she left.  Frequently, I was trying to figure out what I could have done differently but inwardly knew her behaviors were not about me, it was about her - even as she blamed me for everything.

Our 10 year marriage ended after an argument.  Afterwards she shut herself in a bedroom for 3 months and when she came out told me that: she loved me, thought of me as family and that we were just friends.   

After spending many agonizing days and nights wondering what I had done, one day I realized, of course she was going to end the marriage like this, it fit perfectly into the rest of her behavior pattern - why would have I expected anything else?  She always pulled this kind of craziness by taking sudden and unexpected hard turns.  In other words, why did I expect anything different from her?  This action of wanting divorce was the manifestation of what was wrong with the R/S (her).  I suddenly realized there was nothing I could have done to stop the marriage from ending, this is just who she is.

Perhaps this story will help.  In a very real way, a BP's responses and actions are completely detached from our reality.  They are playing the game in a different stadium altogether, complaining about the way others are playing the game and when you do something good they have no idea b/c they are not in the same ball park.  You both describe the same set of surroundings, but that is where the shared experience ends.  A little exaggerated but not too much - pretty surreal but true.

She went on to tell me that she was never happy in the previous ten years, another comment that I now attribute to a different stadium in a different place. 

Hope this helps some. 

[hopealways]

Thanks Jerome, this really helped me especially where you wondered why you would expect anything different from her. It made me start to think: why DID I expect anything different? Had she EVER showed any inclination of rational normal empathetic compassionate loving personality for me to use as a reference point? NO! Which leads me to conclude that I always lived a fantasy with her that THIS TIME would be different (and it never was).  Same fantasy I played out in my mind each time my parents fought and then stopped talking. I thought maybe that time would be the last time before they made up and lived happily every after.

[Hopeful83]

hopeful

Thirdly, you have to empty your cup of the old festered water. How do you do that? By pouring in with new fresh water like reconnecting with old friends, new activities, new classes, ... .  This way your mind does not have enough iddle time to wander back to the past.

Good luck.

Thanks Once Confused. I think this is the issue. I have too much time on my hands and not much to distract myself with.

[Hopeful83]

I feel like I'm a broken record now, going over the same things over and over again.

Have you gained any insight from this?  I am victim to this broken record in my own mind, but at some point you (we) need to pick up the needle and move past the break because the answers just aren't there.

It' so pointless, C.Stein. The minute I think I've got the reasons for the breakup 'figured out' my brain then wanders onto something else (often more outlandish) and the whole process starts again. Then I get back to the original point that I was at and start over on the same record.

I'm exhausted and fed up. I think I need to get tough with myself. It's time to stop thinking about what happened and why it happened.

I have to distill it to the basics: he left in the cruelest way possible, leaving me with more questions than answers. He got engaged almost instantly (when the plan was for him and I to get engaged this year!), is plastering photos of himself with his new beau all over SM, and has shown ZERO respect for me or the three years we shared. This is NOT acceptable, ifs and buts and shoulda/woulda/couldas aside.

Why on earth do I still care about the ifs and buts? It's time to admit I was at fault for staying with someone who was abusive and move on. Let's face it, he didn't really respect me during the relationship (no one who is abusive is respectful), so why should he respect me now?

And why would I want to have married this person? Just because he's with someone new doesn't mean all his issues are going to vanish instantly. You have to want to work on yourself, and he showed no true desire to. The new fiancee is welcome to him. Quite frankly, she deserves him for making a move on a guy who was already in a relationship.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful

Guess I will chime in with others and offer some experience that may (or may not) be helpful.

I too spent a lot of time trying to figure it all out and came up with theories as to why she left.  Frequently, I was trying to figure out what I could have done differently but inwardly knew her behaviors were not about me, it was about her - even as she blamed me for everything.

Our 10 year marriage ended after an argument.  Afterwards she shut herself in a bedroom for 3 months and when she came out told me that: she loved me, thought of me as family and that we were just friends.   

After spending many agonizing days and nights wondering what I had done, one day I realized, of course she was going to end the marriage like this, it fit perfectly into the rest of her behavior pattern - why would have I expected anything else?  She always pulled this kind of craziness by taking sudden and unexpected hard turns.  In other words, why did I expect anything different from her?  This action of wanting divorce was the manifestation of what was wrong with the R/S (her).  I suddenly realized there was nothing I could have done to stop the marriage from ending, this is just who she is.

Perhaps this story will help.  In a very real way, a BP's responses and actions are completely detached from our reality.  They are playing the game in a different stadium altogether, complaining about the way others are playing the game and when you do something good they have no idea b/c they are not in the same ball park.  You both describe the same set of surroundings, but that is where the shared experience ends.  A little exaggerated but not too much - pretty surreal but true.

She went on to tell me that she was never happy in the previous ten years, another comment that I now attribute to a different stadium in a different place. 

Hope this helps some. 

Thank you for this joeramabeme 

Yeah, it definitely helps. And I just replied to C.Stein with something similar - why did I expect it would end in any other way?

In my case, I allowed him to rage at me on a regular basis. He'd scream in my face, push me down on the bed, become the most aggressive person I've ever had to deal with. Once he even slapped me. And when he'd apologise and beg for my forgiveness yet again he'd always try to say "but you said... ." to try and justify his actions. The one thing I am proud of myself for is the fact that I NEVER allowed him to have the benefit of thinking that he could justify what he say doing. I'd always say very calmly: "Sorry, but there's NO excuse for this behaviour. Yes, we may be having a disagreement, but do you see me screaming and behaving this way?" I thought it would make him question his actions and perhaps FINALLY go and get help. But it never happened. He went to a therapist ONCE and that was it.

And to see how much he's in denial about the whole thing - he'd told his best friend everything that had happened when he slapped me, and his friend was pleading with him to go and get help. His friend had also told his girlfriend what had happened, and when the girlfriend and my ex had a massive argument over something a few months later, the gf (wrongly) said to him "I don't want to be friends with a wife beater anyway." My ex told me about the conversation and asked "Wife beater? What the hell is she talking about?" How can he not figure it out?

I guess my point is, it's clear he's not going to change. And you're right - what else did I expect? These were not the actions of someone who respected me, despite all the ways in which he made up for it.

This is the bottomline that I need to be focusing on instead of trying to figure out why it all ended.

[Hopeful83]

And how much 'truth' will we ever know anyway? People change their 'stories' to suit whatever narrative their pursuing at the time - right? So whatever truth the person who's obviously now changed their narrative tells you is only what they are 'moulding' to be. So how can you ever know the truth? From my experience, my ex gave me answers that made ZERO sense any which way I looked at it.

It's absolutely pointless.