Regretting my treatment of her, maybe I am the trigger

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello community,

I've spent weeks reading this site and I must say it has been immensely helpful. MY ex gf exhibited many signs of BPD, but I must say I don't think I helped much. She did lie, and she did cheat and I understand those were her choices, but sometimes in order to just deal with all of the emotional drama I was really cold to her. Offering logical solutions instead of emotional support. She left me for another guy right after I graduated graduate school. She said "She had been over it in her head for months" to justify moving on so quickly but I'm not sure I buy that since we had sex regularly and were close emotionally to the point I had no suspicion that happened. Towards the end she started drinking heavily (maybe that was an attempt to get over the pain of leaving me?) but I digress. I'm in NC but I'm at a low point. Are we the triggers? Maybe the replacement is just better for them after all... .

[Kelvin]

Hello community,

I've spent weeks reading this site and I must say it has been immensely helpful. MY ex gf exhibited many signs of BPD, but I must say I don't think I helped much. She did lie, and she did cheat and I understand those were her choices, but sometimes in order to just deal with all of the emotional drama I was really cold to her. Offering logical solutions instead of emotional support. She left me for another guy right after I graduated graduate school. She said "She had been over it in her head for months" to justify moving on so quickly but I'm not sure I buy that since we had sex regularly and were close emotionally to the point I had no suspicion that happened. Towards the end she started drinking heavily (maybe that was an attempt to get over the pain of leaving me?) but I digress. I'm in NC but I'm at a low point. Are we the triggers? Maybe the replacement is just better for them after all... .

[Mutt]

Hi Kelvin,

My ex wife displays BPD traits and I didn't know about BPD in the marriage. I can't say what would have happened if I did know. I felt emotionally distraught from all of the behaviors. BPD us a persecution complex and the person believes that what their experiencing is coming from outside actions / behaviors and project their feelings on loved ones.

Honestly, I don't think that I was in a place in our marriage to accept that my behaviors, actions, communication, trust issues were a problem. Our marriage suffered because we were blaming each other for our unhappiness. I had poor relationship skills and I had my own emotional baggage from my FOO. The silver lining is that she taught me that I was a trigger with how I invalidated her, how my trust issues were a hurdle in our relationship too. Everyone's experience and situation is different and don't take my experience if it doesn't suit yours.

A relationship takes two people. Did she want to work on her own stuff? My ex wife said something similar with her affair and compartmentalized when she said she was grieving a year before she left me for her boyfriend and the grieving made it Ok.

BPD is often co-morbid  with alcohol abuse and over half of people seeking treatment for alcohol abuse (  Trull, Sher, Minks-Brown, et al., 2000 ) it's likely to regulate emotionally distressing situations that the person can't cope with.

A systematic review of interventions for co-occurring substance use disorder and borderline personality disorder

A pwBPD have an insecure attachment style, most commonly fearful, avoidant and anxious. Emotional intimacy triggers the disorder. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy but become triggered with engulfment fears, a fear that the self will be annihilated and push their partners away, the distance triggers their fear of aloneness and then they pull their partners closer and it can feel crazy making for us.

I think it helps to own our stuff but on that same token, don't be hard on yourself and take the blame for the failure of the relationship. I found that I learned a lot about relationships and it's helped me with all aspects with interpersonal relationships with family and friends too. There really is a silver lining with BPD

[myself]

Maybe she's just young and doesn't know what she really wants or who she is or who to be with yet. Many of us were the 'replacement' and it wasn't the 'cure' or 'answer'. If she is a pwBPD, you could be the nicest sweetest person in her life at all times and it would still be a trigger for her. Warm, distant, whatever. You were being yourself then, be yourself now.

[Climbmountains91]

I know how you feel. This has been my feeling for the past week as last Monday he said he realized that i emotionally ''abused him'', that i was a crazy b___ and and the most funniest thing he says it in such a nice way you don't realize it until after he goes. Aswell, mine keeps taking all the responsibility that he 'tried' for the three years, its like i did to. Its just frustrating. 

Like this has been ringing in my head for the past week and now i'm questioning, ruminating, if i actually did abuse him :S What if I did? How do i put it right! I realize that after he said that, i trigger him, I need to get away, because aswell with all my emotional baggage, he's triggering me to and holding me back in therapy and moving on.

Anyway sorry to go on about myself. I have no words of wisdom but didn't wanna read and run and kinda knowing how you feel at the moment, i'm sorry your feeling your at a low point. xx

[citylist]

Man... .I cant offer you anything. Im in the same boat if it helps. Married for 8 years, together for 12. From what I am reading here I ALMOST sabotage my own sanity wondering if maybe I was the bulk of the cause. I guess this is what co-dependant ones do. I have to stick with what I know is right tho and move thru this. My wife was gone with all of her belongings and more, last week, Tues, when I got home from work. Blew my mind. We were both in therapy, for many years. Working thru this was hard but rewarding at times which kept me hanging on. Im numb inside and Im not sure what I feel. I havent heard from her and dont know where she is at. I have other posts on here if you want to see how this all evolved til now. Now? Well, I have decided to follow MY dreams and get to the goals that I have set aside for many years. My ONLY regret is that I am 12 years older than when we met. What a ride. Its fresh but I am not looking back. Not anymore.

[balletomane]

I know how you feel. This has been my feeling for the past week as last Monday he said he realized that i emotionally ''abused him'', that i was a crazy b___ and and the most funniest thing he says it in such a nice way you don't realize it until after he goes. Aswell, mine keeps taking all the responsibility that he 'tried' for the three years, its like i did to. Its just frustrating. 

Like this has been ringing in my head for the past week and now i'm questioning, ruminating, if i actually did abuse him :S What if I did? How do i put it right! I realize that after he said that, i trigger him, I need to get away, because aswell with all my emotional baggage, he's triggering me to and holding me back in therapy and moving on.

My ex called me abusive and crazy. ("It's a good thing you're crazy, that's the only thing that stops you from being completely evil." This was just days after he'd been telling me how much he loved me, how special i was, how wonderful. It was triggered by us having an argument about my period of all things. He wanted me to go on the Pill to stop it as I experience excessively painful periods. I didn't want to for a variety of good medical reasons, and in the end, as he wouldn't back down, I snapped and said, "You're a man, you're not a period expert. It's my body and I will choose how to deal with this."

This was what he later quoted as an example of my 'abuse'.

He was so adamant that I was abusive, so sure he was 100% right, and so forceful and so vicious in what he was saying that I started to doubt myself. I think our relationship was unhealthy from the start and that by the time his rages reached hurricane proportions my defences had already been brought down bit by bit and I wasn't prepared to fight back against what he was saying. There was a lot of gaslighting and as a person I have always questioned myself and struggled with self-doubt, so it wasn't long before I started wondering in terror if I really was this abusive monstrous person. He was so hurt, he was swinging between tears and rages, he was cutting himself and getting drunk and blaming it on me. One night, in tears myself, I thought maybe I should leave my job with vulnerable kids and go to work packing books in an Amazon warehouse, because if I really had caused this sudden flip in his behaviour through abuse then I clearly wasn't safe to work with people.

The thing that made me see sense was telling a few close friends exactly what was going on and quoting the vicious things he was saying to me. Before then I'd hidden it all from them. I didn't want them to think badly of him, and I think deep down I knew this treatment wasn't normal and I was ashamed of myself for putting up with it. Their horrified reaction shook me back into my senses and I realised that no, getting a bit snappy with my ex was not 'abuse' and my ex was in fact accusing me of the exact things he was doing. When you are sucked so deep into such a destructive relationship it gets very easy for you to believe what your ex says about you.

Ask yourself this: are other people in your life accusing you of abuse? Have they ever? And does your ex have a history of calling people abusers? I think if you look closely you will find that the pattern and the problem are with him.

I colluded in my abuse. I acted in maladaptive ways in that relationship. For example, I knew that my ex was kinder to me when I was physically ill, so sometimes I would fake aches and pains as I knew this meant he would be unlikely to yell at me. That is manipulation. But it was not abusive. It was a way to avoid being spoken to cruelly. (I have never resorted to this outside of that relationship.) I should have avoided it by breaking things off and walking away, but we all have our should-have-dones, and just because you weren't practically perfect in every way during your relationship (who is?) doesn't make you an abuser.

[MakingMyWay]

Ask yourself this: are other people in your life accusing you of abuse? Have they ever? And does your ex have a history of calling people abusers? I think if you look closely you will find that the pattern and the problem are with him.

This is an excellent point. I found that a lot of the things that she considered abusive were a response to her behaviour.

[valet]

I think it helps to own our stuff but on that same token, don't be hard on yourself and take the blame for the failure of the relationship. I found that I learned a lot about relationships and it's helped me with all aspects with interpersonal relationships with family and friends too. There really is a silver lining with BPD

I want to echo this part of Mutt's post, because I think it is an especially important thing to keep in mind, even while you are in pain.

The silver for lining for me has been similar. Yes, we go through a lot. So do our pwBPD. In my opinion, it is good to approach this as a learning experience, even when we don't feel so great. There is a lot to be mined from a relationship with a person with BPD traits.  

[Kelvin]

Thank you all for your encouraging words. You are all right and I am trying to see this as a learning experience. I'm a fairly young guy (25) but I guess the thing that gets me down the most is what if this was it? I've learned from this relationship that I have my own co-dependent issues to work out but what if I never find love again? It's all terrifying to and also angering to know she is off with the replacement possibly preparing for a life together while I'm alone to pick up the pieces. I do know however there are things that I will never do in a relationship again or put up with again due to this past experience.

[Unaware]

Balletomane... .

Wish I knew how to "quote" something specific you wrote but I do not.

You said: The thing that made me see sense was telling a few close friends exactly what was going on and quoting the vicious things he was saying to me. Before then I'd hidden it all from them. I didn't want them to think badly of him, and I think deep down I knew this treatment wasn't normal and I was ashamed of myself for putting up with it. Their horrified reaction shook me back into my senses... .

WOW!

I thought I was odd woman out until I read that!  I never spoke a word of what was occurring in my marriage.  It took something absolutely earth shattering for me to finally tell someone.  I walked my sister through everything that had occurred in my marriage and she was stunned.  My sister and I are like two peas in pod and she had absolutely no clue what was going on.

I always thought I kept quiet because I loved him and didn't want anyone to judge him.  Today I can say for sure it was my own shame in allowing myself to be treated that way.

Keeping secrets like that can suck the life out of you!

Could I have reacted better to what was being dealt to me?  Sure.  Were my reactions "crazy" "over the top" "abnormal" given the circumstances? Nope.  Had I known better what to do then would it have changed anything?  Certainly not.

I look forward to the day I no longer question myself and leave the should haves/could haves and what ifs behind.  I have moved past the anger and I'm lingering in the sadness of lost hopes/dreams and wanting to get to the compassion part of this process.  I have no clue why I believe having compassion for him will propel me forward in leaps and bounds... .sure hope I'm not disappointed when I get there!  

Unaware

[valet]

Thank you all for your encouraging words. You are all right and I am trying to see this as a learning experience. I'm a fairly young guy (25) but I guess the thing that gets me down the most is what if this was it? I've learned from this relationship that I have my own co-dependent issues to work out but what if I never find love again? It's all terrifying to and also angering to know she is off with the replacement possibly preparing for a life together while I'm alone to pick up the pieces. I do know however there are things that I will never do in a relationship again or put up with again due to this past experience.

I get your perspective here. My relationship wasn't as long as yours, but I'm your age and I still had those thoughts run through my head. 'What if this was the best I could find?'.

I found that that was the self-doubting part of me, in hindsight, or as you have stated, my own issues with control and co-dependency in relationships. When we learn, we grow. But growth involves pain. It involves those negative thoughts. If we educate ourselves and work to improve, we are the ones that reap the benefits. And then slowly, we lift ourselves out of those old patterns of thinking and behavior.

[Creativum]

Hello community,

I've spent weeks reading this site and I must say it has been immensely helpful. MY ex gf exhibited many signs of BPD, but I must say I don't think I helped much. She did lie, and she did cheat and I understand those were her choices, but sometimes in order to just deal with all of the emotional drama I was really cold to her. Offering logical solutions instead of emotional support. She left me for another guy right after I graduated graduate school. She said "She had been over it in her head for months" to justify moving on so quickly but I'm not sure I buy that since we had sex regularly and were close emotionally to the point I had no suspicion that happened. Towards the end she started drinking heavily (maybe that was an attempt to get over the pain of leaving me?) but I digress. I'm in NC but I'm at a low point. Are we the triggers? Maybe the replacement is just better for them after all... .

Let me rephrase your question of "Are we the triggers?":  Are we the ones who have the compassion, empathy, and understanding to deal with behaviors that are atypically exaggerated and typically considered emotional/physical abuse because we want to show someone that we love them? 

If so, then yes.  Our hearts can bleed till Jesus comes about how our partners are "sick" and how they "need help," but they're still adults and still responsible for everything they do, or don't do.  If you get drunk and drive a car, the punishment is worse for a reason:  You knew that you had a drinking problem, you knew what could happen if you got drunk and drove, and yet you did it anyway.  A person with BPD, just like an alcoholic or other addict, is VERY MUCH aware of how their actions hurt others.  If they choose to continue with those actions, then I will express neither sympathy nor empathy until such time that they take ACTIVE and sustained steps towards healing.  Someone with pneumonia or HIV who doesn't seek treatment is considered insane.  Someone with BPD who doesn't seek treatment is equally insane.  Even if they're not aware of their behaviors or can't control them, the effect on those around them IS OBVIOUS TO THEM and the onus is ON THEM to engage the right resources to get better.  We can help them find those resources, but it's UP TO THEM.  Not us.

Yep, we're the triggers because we actually care.  I'm okay with being a trigger if that's what it means.

[Creativum]

Maybe she's just young and doesn't know what she really wants or who she is or who to be with yet. Many of us were the 'replacement' and it wasn't the 'cure' or 'answer'. If she is a pwBPD, you could be the nicest sweetest person in her life at all times and it would still be a trigger for her. Warm, distant, whatever. You were being yourself then, be yourself now.

The whole "too young to know what I want" thing really rubs me the wrong way, particularly if the person him/herself says it.  If they're aware enough to say something like that, then it's just not true.  A person who is too young to know what they want usually has to be told they're too young to know what they want, because being "too young" is marked by a lack of self-awareness.  I suppose in that respect, a pwBPD is ALWAYS too young to know what they want, since they're emotionally on par with a maladjusted 6-year old. 

Rather, it's an expression that says "I'm too selfish and think a lot about myself and I want to keep options open without regard to who I hurt because I don't want to feel guilty so I make up a lame excuse to cover my ass and keep from having to reflect."  What is "too young"?  People need to grow up.  If someone is 22, they are more than old enough to know what they want.  Coddling people into their 30's is not an answer.

[Mutt]

Thank you all for your encouraging words. You are all right and I am trying to see this as a learning experience. I'm a fairly young guy (25) but I guess the thing that gets me down the most is what if this was it? I've learned from this relationship that I have my own co-dependent issues to work out but what if I never find love again? It's all terrifying to and also angering to know she is off with the replacement possibly preparing for a life together while I'm alone to pick up the pieces. I do know however there are things that I will never do in a relationship again or put up with again due to this past experience.

I'm speaking for myself when I say this but i think that the cornerstone of building and maintaining healthy relationships is having boundaries that protect your core morales and values and I was missing that in all if my relationships. If I think about it, I was putting my trust in others that they would take care of me and not treat me badly.  A relatively simple way of describing boundaries is that it keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. Boundaries are self compassion, they protect us.

When I started asserting boundaries after the r/s break-up in no contact with my ex wife I applied it to all facets of my relationships with people and a wonderful thing happened, I wasn't being mistreated and people respect me and I started to trust people. I choose to jeep the people that I hold dear close to me and we have mutual respect and trust.  Here's an article that I found us a great benchmark with healthy and non-healthy relationships, click the link for the full article.  

Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally shared.

Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

So, Is Your Relationship Healthy?

A. Can you say what you like or admire about your partner?

B. Is your partner glad that you have other friends?

C. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?

D. Does your partner ask for and respect your opinions?

E. Does she/he really listen to you?

F. Can she/he talk about her/his feelings?

G. Does your partner have a good relationship with her/his family?

H. Does she/he have good friends?

I. Does she/he have interests besides you?

J. Does she/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for her/his failures?

K. Does your partner respect your right to make decisions that affect your own life?

L. Are you and your partner friends? Best friends?

If you answered most of these questions with a yes, you probably are not in a relationship that is likely to become abusive. If you answered no to some or most of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship, please continue with the next set of questions.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

[hashtag_loyal]

Kelvin,

If you want to use this situation as an opportunity to reflect on your own behavior, what you did and didn't do, and how you can learn from these mistakes so that you can be an even better partner in your future relationships, then this is definitely good and healthy. I applaud your courage and commitment to self-improvement.

However, please DO NOT beat yourself up by thinking your actions caused her bad behavior, or that her bad actions could've been prevented if you had just done more. A pwBPD simultaneously fears intimacy and abandonment, and will act frantically to avoid either. If you had shown more emotional concern, she might have freaked out that you were getting too close, and responded by cheating on you. If you had been more cold and distant, she could've freaked out that you were about to abandon her and had to punish you by cheating on you.

Do you see that her behavior was pre-ordained? Your actions only determined the particular excuse she could use to rationalize her inevitable behavior after the fact.

[Unaware]

Hashtag_loya:

My husband and I attended a marriage intensive where my husband disclosed his biggest fear was abandonment followed closely by intimacy and his biggest want/desire was intimacy.  I had no idea that was the case.  I asked the Therapist what occurs when the thing they fear the most is what they most want and he looked at me and said... ."oh, well... .that's complete chaos."

Tell me about it! 

[Herodias]

My husbands Mother said, "he doesn't know what he wants"... .that makes me mad too. Like he doesn't have a personality disorder and he just needs to decide or something! No, you are not to blame! I did this too- this is called walking on eggshells! Yes, maybe we were angry when they cheated, lied or manipulated us. That's "normal." Maybe we have a few things to work on ourselves... .like boundaries and what behavior not to accept. I believe that we should not have to tip toe around people who are not willing to get help for them selves. It would be different if you both were on the same page about working on your relationship. But, I don't think one person doing all the "right" things would make it work. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[SummerStorm]

Ultimately, something we say or do will trigger them.  Each pwBPD is different, but I've noticed that my pwBPD is always triggered by engulfment.  All of the bad relationship stories she tells always include the sentence "We were living together." Now, those stories always involve the guy abusing her, but I've found that she's still friends with at least one of those guys on Facebook.  There isn't any liking of posts or commenting, but if someone had physically abused me, I wouldn't be friends with that person on social media.  All of her relationships end pretty quickly (the longest in the past five years was just over a year), and I would imagine that her BPD traits are often the cause, but engulfment is her major trigger.  I would imagine some of the shorter ones ended because the other person just got tired of her not being able to act like an adult.  That wears on a person.   

The day before she moved in with her ex-boyfriend, she cheated on him with me.  This was days after she told me that she was in love with him. 

Two days after looking at a house with me, she called me psychotic. 

Less than a week after she finally finished moving all of her stuff into her ex-boyfriend's place (it took her a month), she tried to commit suicide. 

After she got back from the hospital and ended our friendship, she literally had nowhere else to go and no one else to spend time with except him.  That's when the raging started happening on a frequent basis.  Seven weeks after she ended our friendship, she broke up with him. 

[hashtag_loyal]

The day before she moved in with her ex-boyfriend, she cheated on him with me.  This was days after she told me that she was in love with him. 

That sounds about right. After reading through a lot of posts on this site about cheating, it appears quite common for pwBPD to cheat right after moving in together or getting engaged.

As for my dBPDxgf, I would notice that literally a day after we were doing so well together, or had made a major "breakthrough" in our communications and understanding of each other, she would disappear (and most likely be with another guy.) This used to confound me greatly until she disclosed the BPD diagnosis.

When thinking about possible BPD dating strategies, I'm reminded of the situation faced by generals in the Soviet army under Stalin. If a general was not successful enough, Stalin would have him killed for ineffectiveness, but if a general was too successful, Stalin would consider him a threat, and have him killed. Therefore, Soviet generals had to make sure they were somewhat successful, but never too successful in order to survive.

And after that line of thinking, it quickly becomes clear how difficult it is to not trigger a pwBPD within a r/s, and how futile it is trying to date one.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi Kelvin,

I feel your pain, but you have to step into reality a bit.  How difficult is it, in a long-term relationship, to find dirt on the other person?  How difficult would it be to list all the times a partner is "cold" to another, or indifferent, or fed-up, or frustrated, or withdrawn, or angry?  How difficult would it be to hold up a list of all the things they expected from us and then come up with a laundry list of our flaws?  Not difficult, not difficult at all.  That is *normal*.  In normal relationships, we can't live up to fantasies, and it is *wrong* and destructive for the other person to expect us to.  That's what it is a sham to blame yourself.  

Maybe you are the trigger, and maybe every other person she ever tries to squeeze a fantasy out of will be, too.  

Here's one way to think about it that I hope will be helpful.  Imagine your girlfriend expected that you stand really strong and tall, like a "real man".  At first, you stand exactly how she likes.  You both feel like you're on cloud 9 because of how enamored she is with how much you fit what she wants.  But soon she realizes she has you hooked.  You aren't going anywhere.  So you relax a bit, and that's when she starts to sink the hook even deeper.  "You don't stand as great as you used to.  I used to think you cared about me, but obviously you don't."  Shocked and worried, you try harder.  This goes on over and over again to the point where you are emotionally exhausted and withdrawn.  This, of course, affects your "performance" and makes it easier for her to notice how you are failing.  Still, you try to stand taller.  You muster up your weary body to try to make her happy.  She doesn't like it, so she criticizes you more.  But this time she takes a bat to your knee-caps.  You can't stand at all.  But can you claim foul play?  Nope.  She cuts that down immediately and condemns and criticized you for not being able to stand.  She stomps on your wound until you cannot get up at all.  And then she tells you about the new guy she's found that can stand tall much better than you can.  But at this point, you will do literally anything to prove to her that you can stand as good as she wants.  How sad.  What was once the hook that sucked you in became the point of punishment.

Could you argue that the quality of your stance was what "triggered her"?  Maybe.  But, first of all, how can you stand when she's trying to break your legs?  And second, what the heck kind of a relationship rests on something so shallow?  Ridiculous analogy, I know, but that is how it is.

Even if it was realistic to base a relationship on the things and fantasies that BPD's base them on, it's kinda hard to live up to what they want when they continually sabotage you.  But they've got you hooked.  It's the ol' "carrot and stick."  You'll chase the carrot of getting her to absolve you of your flaws and be the man she claimed to love you for in the beginning, and you'll constantly punish and blame yourself forever for not being able to catch that carrot.  But it's impossible to catch.  That's the point.

For a while, I doubted that my ex-wife was BPD (while we were married) because I didn't see how she had abandonment fears.  It wasn't until after the relationship was over that I finally saw how she handled her "abandonment fears" by making sure I was so caught up in pleasing her, and hating myself and taking blame when I didn't, that I wouldn't dare leaving her.  She masterfully had my self-esteem completely wrapped up into her.  I was a puppy on a leash.  And I let it happen!

[Forteventur]

She stomps on your wound until you cannot get up at all.  And then she tells you about the new guy she's found that can stand tall much better than you can.  But at this point, you will do literally anything to prove to her that you can stand as good as she wants.  How sad.  What was once the hook that sucked you in became the point of punishment.

Could you argue that the quality of your stance was what "triggered her"?  Maybe.  But, first of all, how can you stand when she's trying to break your legs?

That hit too close home.

When we were in the process of breaking up, she revealed she had met another guy and was interested in him (and later said she was happy as hell with him).

I was hurt and angry. I began acting cold towards her, what was the point in trying after hearing that?

But then I started to think. I heard her cry at night a few times, was I being too cold - even with how cold she was being towards me? Maybe I shouldn't have made it a 'who can be colder' match up.

But now I keep dwelling that, had I acted more caring in the end, could I have saved that relationship? Did I make it even worse?

And even after acting like an a**hole, having been hurt, cheated on, having it rubbed on my face, I still hope to receive a text from her someday, or that the possibility of being painted white again exists.

[Creativum]

She stomps on your wound until you cannot get up at all.  And then she tells you about the new guy she's found that can stand tall much better than you can.  But at this point, you will do literally anything to prove to her that you can stand as good as she wants.  How sad.  What was once the hook that sucked you in became the point of punishment.

Could you argue that the quality of your stance was what "triggered her"?  Maybe.  But, first of all, how can you stand when she's trying to break your legs?

That hit too close home.

When we were in the process of breaking up, she revealed she had met another guy and was interested in him (and later said she was happy as hell with him).

I was hurt and angry. I began acting cold towards her, what was the point in trying after hearing that?

But then I started to think. I heard her cry at night a few times, was I being too cold - even with how cold she was being towards me? Maybe I shouldn't have made it a 'who can be colder' match up.

But now I keep dwelling that, had I acted more caring in the end, could I have saved that relationship? Did I make it even worse?

And even after acting like an a**hole, having been hurt, cheated on, having it rubbed on my face, I still hope to receive a text from her someday.

When my ex would be crying at night, I was expected to console him and boost him up.  When *I* had had enough and cried one night, I had to TELL him to console me, which I did in the nicest way possible, and he got angry and moved away.  You're beating yourself up here.  Please don't.  You couldn't have made it better or worse because you DO NOT hold ANY of the cards in a relationship like this.  With people like this, the relationship will be whatever the other person is feeling in the moment.  You have no control or influence.  It's 100% one-sided.  Hence "I hate you, don't leave me!" ... .You cannot, will not win.  Ever.  It is NOT your fault.  People with BPD are "free radicals" -- free radicals are characterized by their inability to bond with other molecules, and since they can't bond, they destroy. Free radicals are highly reactive and dissipate quickly.  You're a molecule looking for a bond.  They're looking for a molecule to react to.

[OutOfEgypt]

Exactly.  Even when they are dashing our heart to bits, the expectation is upon *us* to think about them and how *they* are feeling.  If we are distant or cold or, God forbid, hurt and angry, we are wrong.  :)idn't you know that we are expected to not have any feelings at all but to revolve completely around theirs?  We are expected to empathize with and console them.  We are expected to see that they aren't *really* monsters and they have feelings, too.  And why?  Because they can't really face the guilt of the things they do to people.

This is a one-way relationship.  Do they really believe you are wrong to be hurt?  In my experience, not entirely.  I think on some level they know what they are doing.  But when it isn't all focused on them it is a threat to them.  They can't handle it.

[Climbmountains91]

I know how you feel. This has been my feeling for the past week as last Monday he said he realized that i emotionally ''abused him'', that i was a crazy b___ and and the most funniest thing he says it in such a nice way you don't realize it until after he goes. Aswell, mine keeps taking all the responsibility that he 'tried' for the three years, its like i did to. Its just frustrating. 

Like this has been ringing in my head for the past week and now i'm questioning, ruminating, if i actually did abuse him :S What if I did? How do i put it right! I realize that after he said that, i trigger him, I need to get away, because aswell with all my emotional baggage, he's triggering me to and holding me back in therapy and moving on.

My ex called me abusive and crazy. ("It's a good thing you're crazy, that's the only thing that stops you from being completely evil." This was just days after he'd been telling me how much he loved me, how special i was, how wonderful. It was triggered by us having an argument about my period of all things. He wanted me to go on the Pill to stop it as I experience excessively painful periods. I didn't want to for a variety of good medical reasons, and in the end, as he wouldn't back down, I snapped and said, "You're a man, you're not a period expert. It's my body and I will choose how to deal with this."

This was what he later quoted as an example of my 'abuse'.

He was so adamant that I was abusive, so sure he was 100% right, and so forceful and so vicious in what he was saying that I started to doubt myself. I think our relationship was unhealthy from the start and that by the time his rages reached hurricane proportions my defences had already been brought down bit by bit and I wasn't prepared to fight back against what he was saying. There was a lot of gaslighting and as a person I have always questioned myself and struggled with self-doubt, so it wasn't long before I started wondering in terror if I really was this abusive monstrous person. He was so hurt, he was swinging between tears and rages, he was cutting himself and getting drunk and blaming it on me. One night, in tears myself, I thought maybe I should leave my job with vulnerable kids and go to work packing books in an Amazon warehouse, because if I really had caused this sudden flip in his behaviour through abuse then I clearly wasn't safe to work with people.

The thing that made me see sense was telling a few close friends exactly what was going on and quoting the vicious things he was saying to me. Before then I'd hidden it all from them. I didn't want them to think badly of him, and I think deep down I knew this treatment wasn't normal and I was ashamed of myself for putting up with it. Their horrified reaction shook me back into my senses and I realised that no, getting a bit snappy with my ex was not 'abuse' and my ex was in fact accusing me of the exact things he was doing. When you are sucked so deep into such a destructive relationship it gets very easy for you to believe what your ex says about you.

Ask yourself this: are other people in your life accusing you of abuse? Have they ever? And does your ex have a history of calling people abusers? I think if you look closely you will find that the pattern and the problem are with him.

I colluded in my abuse. I acted in maladaptive ways in that relationship. For example, I knew that my ex was kinder to me when I was physically ill, so sometimes I would fake aches and pains as I knew this meant he would be unlikely to yell at me. That is manipulation. But it was not abusive. It was a way to avoid being spoken to cruelly. (I have never resorted to this outside of that relationship.) I should have avoided it by breaking things off and walking away, but we all have our should-have-dones, and just because you weren't practically perfect in every way during your relationship (who is?) doesn't make you an abuser.

Thank you for your reply.

Its quite funny you say that about the pill because i had a similar thing happen to me, he was literally begging me, phoning up the clinic but i was like no, my body, my choice. Everyone I know thinks his not a very nice person and the way he's treated me and i know his family think the same of me but hey, whatever.

No ones ever called me an abuser before and Yes, well he says they've betrayed him, everything's 'betrayal', the word 'abuse' comes in now and again. Especially only just realising his folks abused him. But i feel i was a bit manipulating due to my own issues and did some pretty crappy stuff but i didn't know how to deal with his illness and i take full responsibility for it. i think we both own the 50% share of that, both bad as each other to be honest. ! I really relate to all of what you've said in your post.

[Kelvin]

Once again, I must say how thankful I am for the insightful comments and suggestions. Reading these has given me much needed perspective on my past relationship. Looking back on it, as much as I know she feared abandonment (I tried to leave her once and she broke down and cried and begged me to stay) I can see the engulfment triggers too. Our problems seemed to grow exponentially during the one year we lived together. When she left she said "You were the star of the show and I'm leaving to find myself" That was before of course I found out that she was simply leaving me for another guy  :'(

[SummerStorm]

The day before she moved in with her ex-boyfriend, she cheated on him with me.  This was days after she told me that she was in love with him. 

That sounds about right. After reading through a lot of posts on this site about cheating, it appears quite common for pwBPD to cheat right after moving in together or getting engaged.

As for my dBPDxgf, I would notice that literally a day after we were doing so well together, or had made a major "breakthrough" in our communications and understanding of each other, she would disappear (and most likely be with another guy.) This used to confound me greatly until she disclosed the BPD diagnosis.

This was the timeline:

Sunday - "I care about you and want to have sex with you, but I'm in love with him."

Monday - "I'm not staying over at your house on Friday."

Wednesday - She comes home from visiting her mom for 9 days, and her boyfriend asks her to move in with him.  Instead of being elated, she just casually dropped into a text conversation and didn't seem excited at all.  Perhaps a mix of engulfment fears and the knowledge that all of her relationships go bad when they move in together?

Thursday - "Maybe we shouldn't even hang out at all on Friday.  It might hurt you."  I eventually convinced her that it would just make me happy to spend time with her.

Friday - Comes back to work after vacation, immediately calls my classroom when I get to work, e-mails me all day (like 20 e-mails).  Comes over to my house after work.  Watches a movie with me and gets up to get another DVD.  Jumps up on my bed, lands on top of me, and starts frantically kissing me. 

Saturday - "You're the only person who doesn't annoy me.  You're perfect."

By the next weekend, she was calling me her "soon to be girlfriend."  A week after that, she wasn't sure if she would ever love again if her boyfriend broke up with her.

Well, now we're both out of her life.   

[zundertowz]

There's not a human being on the planet who isn't or won't be a trigger for someone with BPD.  Take a look around the staying board and ask yourself is that the way you want to live the rest of your life.