I'm one devil of a daughter in law, according to my partner's mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. Wow. What a relief to find this forum. I can't believe how long I've suffered through this thinking I was the ONLY one!  Not sure really even where to start. It's 3a.m. And once again I am losing sleep after a brief visit with my mother-in-law whom I recently realized has borderline personality disorder. I've been researching as much as possible. I'm not a trained psychologist or even counselor, but I didn't work backwards from How BPD is defined to her case either. I researched her most obvious maladaptive qualities- like the extreme sensitivity, fears of abandonment, paranoia and God complex and have found myself here.

My partner (long-term boyfriend) really is my match. We've known each other for 10 years and been together for 5. Recently we bought a house together and want to start a family. I love him dearly, but his mom is a problem. How can I even begin to explain? First- there are the severe paranoid delusions that she backs up with her theory that she is an all-knowing God  sent spiritual healer. According to her- or she would say God- I am a pervert and possessed by the devil and am in a karmic battle with her over the heart and affections of her son (my partner) that has lasted multiple lifetimes. I am corrupting his messiah/monk like existence with my greed (read: our small business) and perverse needs (read: i made a joke about having male strippers at his cousins bachelorette party last year). When we spoke with her about our plans to get married, she demanded she escort us to the court house and perform the ceremony (NO WAY IN HELL). And man when you hear her tell it, it's everyone else's fault. Everyone is out to get her, to hurt her. Or has hurt her. And beyond- continues to psychically attack her. In fact, she believes that despite all I've done to her, it's her mission to heal and deliver me before I conceive and eventually abuse "Her Grandchildren ". And that's on her good days! She's even recently begun following a dead 20th century eugenicist cult leader! At least she's never boring!  Reading this over I have to say, it sounds completely ridiculous! But living it everyday is a different story. Living it is just depressing and painful. And of course I'm really only scratching the surface.

Making this more complicated is that in my little subculture of holistic health practitioners, I do not receive a lot of understanding or compassion. Most of my peers are trained to give people the benefit of a doubt, to listen to people's stories. Quite ironic. I think moreover they want to believe her god complex because wouldn't it be cool if she really were practicing mind control instead of dropping subtle manipulative hints to her victims about what terrible people they were and how she thought they ought to be? Wouldn't it be cool if she really were seeing into spiritual realms instead of just saying that so - even if she's only "right" on the "spiritual plane"- she never has to admit when she's wrong? Or seek help for her own problems? It hurts to come to this because I am a spiritual person myself, and you've got to know I wanted to believe at one point. Then I saw the smoke and mirrors. I thank her in a way for grounding me and helping me to not be so naive!

On the surface, I feel angry. Even though I love her son, and I know she came from a severely broken household and it's not her fault. Even though I know she is not well. Even though sometimes her very sweet, very loving and nurturing character comes through. I still feel angry. But under that I mostly feel sad. I'm sad that I can't have a relationship with her. It makes me sad that the only strategy that's worked so far is to just placate her. It makes me sad that the only way out of my relationship with her would be to end my relationship with my partner, because he cannot cut ties and is definitely not ready to confront either the painful reality of the situation or his mother herself. I'm sad because it comes between us and in seeing how she treats the other daughter-in-law and her child (equally as bad- to the DIL, thinks the child is a healing messiah who needs to be kept away from evil mom), I don't know if I really want to bring a baby into this family... .

Ok I'm done with the anonymous internet rant! I'm really writing because I'm interested in other people's experiences getting counseling for this issue. I'm not opposed to getting counseling, but was it worth it? What is working for you now and how are you coping? Much thanks and good night!

-devildil

[devildil]

Hi everyone. Wow. What a relief to find this forum. I can't believe how long I've suffered through this thinking I was the ONLY one!  Not sure really even where to start. It's 3a.m. And once again I am losing sleep after a brief visit with my mother-in-law whom I recently realized has borderline personality disorder. I've been researching as much as possible. I'm not a trained psychologist or even counselor, but I didn't work backwards from How BPD is defined to her case either. I researched her most obvious maladaptive qualities- like the extreme sensitivity, fears of abandonment, paranoia and God complex and have found myself here.

My partner (long-term boyfriend) really is my match. We've known each other for 10 years and been together for 5. Recently we bought a house together and want to start a family. I love him dearly, but his mom is a problem. How can I even begin to explain? First- there are the severe paranoid delusions that she backs up with her theory that she is an all-knowing God  sent spiritual healer. According to her- or she would say God- I am a pervert and possessed by the devil and am in a karmic battle with her over the heart and affections of her son (my partner) that has lasted multiple lifetimes. I am corrupting his messiah/monk like existence with my greed (read: our small business) and perverse needs (read: i made a joke about having male strippers at his cousins bachelorette party last year). When we spoke with her about our plans to get married, she demanded she escort us to the court house and perform the ceremony (NO WAY IN HELL). And man when you hear her tell it, it's everyone else's fault. Everyone is out to get her, to hurt her. Or has hurt her. And beyond- continues to psychically attack her. In fact, she believes that despite all I've done to her, it's her mission to heal and deliver me before I conceive and eventually abuse "Her Grandchildren ". And that's on her good days! She's even recently begun following a dead 20th century eugenicist cult leader! At least she's never boring!  Reading this over I have to say, it sounds completely ridiculous! But living it everyday is a different story. Living it is just depressing and painful. And of course I'm really only scratching the surface.

Making this more complicated is that in my little subculture of holistic health practitioners, I do not receive a lot of understanding or compassion. Most of my peers are trained to give people the benefit of a doubt, to listen to people's stories. Quite ironic. I think moreover they want to believe her god complex because wouldn't it be cool if she really were practicing mind control instead of dropping subtle manipulative hints to her victims about what terrible people they were and how she thought they ought to be? Wouldn't it be cool if she really were seeing into spiritual realms instead of just saying that so - even if she's only "right" on the "spiritual plane"- she never has to admit when she's wrong? Or seek help for her own problems? It hurts to come to this because I am a spiritual person myself, and you've got to know I wanted to believe at one point. Then I saw the smoke and mirrors. I thank her in a way for grounding me and helping me to not be so naive!

On the surface, I feel angry. Even though I love her son, and I know she came from a severely broken household and it's not her fault. Even though I know she is not well. Even though sometimes her very sweet, very loving and nurturing character comes through. I still feel angry. But under that I mostly feel sad. I'm sad that I can't have a relationship with her. It makes me sad that the only strategy that's worked so far is to just placate her. It makes me sad that the only way out of my relationship with her would be to end my relationship with my partner, because he cannot cut ties and is definitely not ready to confront either the painful reality of the situation or his mother herself. I'm sad because it comes between us and in seeing how she treats the other daughter-in-law and her child (equally as bad- to the DIL, thinks the child is a healing messiah who needs to be kept away from evil mom), I don't know if I really want to bring a baby into this family... .

Ok I'm done with the anonymous internet rant! I'm really writing because I'm interested in other people's experiences getting counseling for this issue. I'm not opposed to getting counseling, but was it worth it? What is working for you now and how are you coping? Much thanks and good night!

-devildil

[Kwamina]

Hi devildil  

Welcome to bpdfamily  The circumstances that have brought you here are quite unpleasant though.

According to her- or she would say God- I am a pervert and possessed by the devil and am in a karmic battle with her over the heart and affections of her son (my partner) that has lasted multiple lifetimes. I am corrupting his messiah/monk like existence with my greed (read: our small business) and perverse needs (read: i made a joke about having male strippers at his cousins bachelorette party last year).

Ok... .I can see how these views of her can cause a lot of problems. It really is sad that she has such a distorted view of reality.

To help you deal with this difficult situation, I suggest you take a look at some material we have here about setting and enforcing/defending boundaries:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Do you feel like setting and enforcing/boundaries with your MIL is something you are comfortable with doing?

We also have some material here about communication techniques, I'm specifically thinking about the so-called D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique that can help you assert yourself and express your needs for change:

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

... .because he cannot cut ties and is definitely not ready to confront either the painful reality of the situation or his mother herself. I'm sad because it comes between us... .

How would you describe the relationship your partner has with his mother? Do you perhaps feel like he is not confronting her and standing up to her out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

[devildil]

Hi Kwamina, thank you for your help. I will be going through the material... .Boundaries and limits sound good!

How would I describe my partner's relationship to her? Hm. I think fear and obligation both cover it. Her strategy, when things don't go her way or someone points out that she's wrong, is to claim that the accuser is spiritually I'll and immediately begin a healing session on said person. I know this must sound strange. As her son, my partner avoids this by placating her. I think he is afraid of how she makes him feel and doubt himself when she tells him that there is something wrong with him and that he needs healing. Recently she started this cycle with me- apparently I needed a healing session because I was upset at her for trying to commit tax fraud-long story. I told her she was being manipulative and did not have permission to "heal" me. Well, it worked kind of! She backed off. But now is more convinced than ever I'm possessed. Maybe I'm just intellectually weak but it's kind of frightening for someone to tell you you're ill or possessed by demons! Anyway, I relate this just to say that I see why he just goes along with it. I think he'd rather hear the messiah bit. Also there is the guilt. She will help him out financially or go impulse shopping and buy him 10 pairs of jeans and then 2 weeks later she will lay the guilt on about how he doesn't spend time with her or take care of her or that she has actually been expecting him to pay her back this whole time. So he feels obligated to pay her back in some way also. I don't know. I think it's just easier for him to brush it under the rug and pretend that it's not an issue. He is not willing to accept yet that she might have a personality disorder. He is quite convinced that the only mental illness is his own. Not sure how to bring him around or convince him to go to therapy. I can't force him. It's bad for our relationship and it sounds bad to my own ears when I'm the one saying his mom is not well if he doesn't want to believe it.

[aaf17]

Hi, I am new at this so I can only really compare this to my own situation.  However, I understand your frustration completely!  The healing statements sound crazy when you say it out loud, but that actually happens.  My mother in law is also all about the healing.  She recently did a healing ceremony on my parents, without their permission, and then got extremely mad when my parents were offended to the point of leaving their visit early and driving over a 1,000 miles home.  Your partner sounds like he is knowledgeable about the problem but probably doesn't think there is anything he can do to change it.  I am new to learning about borderline personality disorder, so whether that is a symptom or not it can still be discouraging towards your own relationship with your partner.  I have a hard time understanding why my husband puts up with his mother too.  The anger you have, I have too.  As nice as you try to be, something always seems to go wrong.  Does this kind of sum up how you are feeling?  Do you live close to her?

[devildil]

Wow! Aaf17, I can't believe it. Your situation sounds so similar. It does sound crazy out loud but somehow all makes sense if you let yourself get caught up in her world. My MIL also tries to force healing work on people without their permission. My partner and I recently moved and are now about an hour away from her. how are you coping?are there any books or strategies that you find helpful or that have helped your relationship?

[aaf17]

I feel like the more you let yourself get caught up in her world the crazier you become too.  Which is really unnerving.  Then when you try to talk to your friends or family about it they think YOU sound crazy.  Unfortunately for me I have been having a hard time with my mother in law, more than normal, since our daughter was born.  I have been trying to understand, for my husband's sake so I bought a few books that just came in the mail this week.  One is called I Hate you don't leave me by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus.  The other is called Understanding the borderline mother by Christine Lawson.  I have only gotten into the first but I am really looking forward to the one by Lawson because then maybe I can understand my husband a bit more.  I am far from the point where I can let her comments go in one ear and out the other, but I am hoping that reading these books will help with that.  Plus I think that just recognizing that their behavior isn't normal is a comfort to your own sanity because it makes you feel less at fault for the drama.  Then again that is just how I have been feeling.  Everyone is different tho.  It is good you moved an hour away, maybe then you can let your partner deal with more of her than you were before.  It would be comforting to know that you don't have to be together to visit... .he may be better at dealing with it mentally than you, so maybe try to put some more mental distance between you and her.  Although I try to do that and I don't have much luck!

[Turkish]

She's even recently begun following a dead 20th century eugenicist cult leader!

What do you mean by following... .the written works, or is she channeling the spirit?

[Deb]

While my MIL did not have a PD that I know of, she was on the toxic side until I steped out of it. I did not know about being LC (low contact) or about the concept of Medium Chill, but I was using them. She couldn't run to my husband and claim I had said/done something because he knew I hadn't. But I also wasn't a buffer between him and his mom and HE had to deal with her. That made a big difference and he made it clear to her that she needed to get over it, that we were married and his life was better with me than without. That might not work with a PD, but step out of it. Be LC. let him deal with her and learn about MC!

[losthero]

Devildil, I am actually quite concerned about you and your future children's safety. Your mil is very delusional and paranoid. More on the side of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder.  Im concerned that setting boundaries with her to an extent may enrage her or feed into her paranoid delusions. You have stated when you set a boundary with her she became more convinced you are possessed. Im concerned that your partner is too enmeshed with his mentally ill mother to be able to set extremely limiting and firm boundaries.  As she ages without long term professional help, she may become worse as the perceived insults and paranoia and possibly dementia builds.  I would seek a counselor out, one with experience in dealing with schizoaffective /pd people.  I would seriously consider how capable your partner is in protecting you and any future children you may have from his sick mother.  She may have the potential of seriously hurting your children either physically or mentally. In fact im afraid she most definitely may hurt them especially if she feels such a close bond to her son as you have described.  Is this a relationship you want to invest anymore energy, pain or suffering into? Is he as invested as you in protecting his wife and children? Even possibly going very low contact or no contact with his mom?  Hard questions but serious ones to consider. counseling is a great place to work that out.  I understand you love him, but if he is enmeshed she will be a package deal.  I know, my mother is schizoaffective/BPD/npd and I was enmeshed for many years and it has taken its toll on my marriage and children. I let her cause us much emotional pain before I finally began to put their needs before my mother's needs.  I still feel very guilty and so keep very low contact and send her money to relieve some of my FOG.   Im still a work in progress.