Is there anything that can be said that would be beneficial?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Time and time again it is said on here that NC is always the best option. I was wondering if there was anything that could be said that would be beneficial towards the pwBPD looking into themselves as well as something that could provide closure for the non.

I assume you would have to be painted white to get anything like this to even have a possibility of getting through. In cases of my ex, she seems to "receive" my words the best when she contacts me after a while of not talking. I imagine an unsolicited letter would only result in a very hostile response.

I know that accusing someone for having a mental illness (let alone a personality disorder) is a very arrogant thing to do, and that is not what I am implying. I am thinking of something that just could get the ball rolling into looking into it. Something that would just make curious and start researching into their symptoms. While also taking responsibility from your part of the relationship.

I was thinking of writing an email that use techniques from SET, it would only be sent to her if she attempts to contact me again. One reason I think it would be good for me is because the last few times she contacts me I basically jumping right in and get too emotional to say the words I want to say. And when I do they do not come off as intended towards her. Would a carefully crafted email provide any positive result?

I would like to hear your opinions/experiences with this.

[Schermarhorn]

Time and time again it is said on here that NC is always the best option. I was wondering if there was anything that could be said that would be beneficial towards the pwBPD looking into themselves as well as something that could provide closure for the non.

I assume you would have to be painted white to get anything like this to even have a possibility of getting through. In cases of my ex, she seems to "receive" my words the best when she contacts me after a while of not talking. I imagine an unsolicited letter would only result in a very hostile response.

I know that accusing someone for having a mental illness (let alone a personality disorder) is a very arrogant thing to do, and that is not what I am implying. I am thinking of something that just could get the ball rolling into looking into it. Something that would just make curious and start researching into their symptoms. While also taking responsibility from your part of the relationship.

I was thinking of writing an email that use techniques from SET, it would only be sent to her if she attempts to contact me again. One reason I think it would be good for me is because the last few times she contacts me I basically jumping right in and get too emotional to say the words I want to say. And when I do they do not come off as intended towards her. Would a carefully crafted email provide any positive result?

I would like to hear your opinions/experiences with this.

[once removed]

hey Schermarhorn 

what makes you want to do it? to help her? are you hoping to reconcile?

[Mutt]

Hi Schermarhorn,

I would like to echo once removed and I want to point out a couple of things. Its good to hear that you're interested in using SET. Its a good communication skill that can be applied in other areas in life and not just with so one that suffers from BPD. I also use it at the workplace in communication sessions with co-workers or in email communications. If you're thinking about sending an email you can take your time with by carefully thinking out what you want to draft. Personally, I find that it's easier that way for me because I have to think quickly if I talk to my ex wife. That's my personal experience and I would think that Stayers have more practice articulating it verbally with their significant others. SET takes practice.

You have the right idea with being supportive and not suggesting that she has a personality disorder. Sometimes I'll think about what I'm going to say and how would I react if someone said something similar to me. I think that most people would take offense if someone told them that they suffer from mental illness and a personality disorder that carries a social stigma. Often there's a concurring clinical depression with BPD. You can be supportive and say that you're concerned with anxiety and depression, its more socially acceptable than BPD. That being said.

You're cycling through different emotions. Many members were not given proper closure from our ex partners and had to give closure for ourselves. I completely understand how painful that is when our significant others don't give a mature reason why they feel that it's best to not continue the relationship and wish us well, maintain contact as friends etc... .

You like her when she's treating you nicely and you don't like her when she's not treating you kindly. That's understandable. Do you want her to get better so that you can remain friends or have a romantic relationship? Is this something that you think that you can reevaluate when you're not feeling many of your own feelings about her throughout the day?

[balletomane]

I would advise against it. I tried, very gently, to express concerns for my ex's mental health (without even mentioning his diagnoses, and showing empathy and giving affirmation in everything I said - e.g. "I see it's painful for you to experience these feelings", etc.) but he just got furious and told me he would never forgive me. That was when I pretty much gave up and decided to go NC. At this point my ex had a replacement who thought he was the seventh wonder of the world, and he didn't want me "spoiling his happiness", as he saw it. I spent a long time believing that if only I could hit on the magic combination of words, he'd experience an epiphany and everything would be better. But it doesn't work like that, no matter how effectively you communicate.

[joeramabeme]

Nonya24, great question, I recently had wanted to do the same but did not.  Mostly because each time I sat down to start writing it I realized there was nothing I could say because she would not agree with it; logically, emotionally, spiritually or any other way.

I get the overall idea; if I can write slowly and methodically without my emotions flaring up and let my compassion, self-awareness and intellect come out cohesively, she will be able to hear/understand/see it.  Upon further thought I realized it is not my approach to her that creates the underlying causes.  My approach may exacerbate them, but does not create them.  Whether I am calm or angry, understanding and loving; she will still have the same perceptions about my words; written or spoken.  That perception will mostly be that she is not going to listen because she knows!

I never did send a letter and in fact did not even type one.

And FWIW, when I came to this board and saw everyone say NC was best way to go I thought to myself - not for me - your cases must be more extreme.  Well I am joining the crowd, NC for me, there is nothing I can do except make myself more of a mess by trying to stay involved.

Good luck and I would like to hear what you decide.

[hashtag_loyal]

I was wondering if there was anything that could be said that would be beneficial towards the pwBPD looking into themselves as well as something that could provide closure for the non.

I do not believe the non will be able to find closure if that closure is dependent on the pwBPD benefiting.

Something that would just make curious and start researching into their symptoms.

Trust me, the pwBPD knows deep down that something is wrong. What could you possibly say to make her curious that all of the rage, fear, shame and self-hatred she has already experienced couldn't?

If she does contact you again, be vigilant and don't enable her. If she maintains NC, be thankful. But please, please, please do not have your sense of closure depend on somehow "reaching" her.

[lm911]

No, there is nothing - trust me I have tried everything - SET, validation, begging, apologizing, fighting and etc. But you can do something that would be beneficial- not contacting them in any way.

[Schermarhorn]

I was wondering if there was anything that could be said that would be beneficial towards the pwBPD looking into themselves as well as something that could provide closure for the non.

I do not believe the non will be able to find closure if that closure is dependent on the pwBPD benefiting.

Something that would just make curious and start researching into their symptoms.

Trust me, the pwBPD knows deep down that something is wrong. What could you possibly say to make her curious that all of the rage, fear, shame and self-hatred she has already experienced couldn't?

If she does contact you again, be vigilant and don't enable her. If she maintains NC, be thankful. But please, please, please do not have your sense of closure depend on somehow "reaching" her.

Yeah, I decided not to do this.

If she contacts me I will just tell her we aren't compatible and thank her for the good times.

Something like this will just cause drama, she needs to pave her own way.

[cyclistIII]

I don't think anything can be said that will be beneficial to your xpwBPD.

However, I did break NC a couple of times because I had to say things for my OWN benefit. To release them, to let them go, to know they'd been said -- without any expectation of any kind of response on his end.

Indeed, he did not respond, ever, but the two times I did it (short emails, several weeks apart, in the first couple of months after the breakup) it did help me break through the tangled knots of imaginary conversations I kept having with him over and over again in my head and lead me to accept the futility of my mental gymnastics and accept that there was nothing left to say.