what happens after NC

[lavalove]

Hi everyone.

I went NC with my mom for the first time a few months ago. It has been an interesting journey, and a lot of emotional events have occurred since then. It has made me both want a mom and been very glad to not have to deal with her at the same time. I was wondering what your experiences are emotionally after going NC. I am swimming through feeling loss, anger, sadness, longing, etc. but my emotions are more heightened than I'm used to. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

[HappyChappy]

I went NC once I realise my mom was BPD, but because she badly triggered my C-PTSD. So as far as she knows (several years latter) it’s down to C-PTSD. 

My best advice to you is focus on why you went NC. I did this to heal. Batten down the hatches and focus on yourself. Focus on healing. You can always integrate back with you BPD. I would expect she will try and cut you off, and isolate you from other family members. So I would recommended you build contacts outside the family. Re-visit friendships, don’t allow yourself to become isolated.

My BPD is very aggressive and has always had things her way, so she kicked and screamed about poor her. She used F.O.G. very effectively.  She turned her relatives into flying monkeys ( go e-mails from relatives I never knew I had). But never forget, as you’re NC, you can’t stop your BPD from stopping and sulking (she stopped sending any birthday cards and gifts, but we still send her stuff).

NC was absolutely the right thing for me, but only you know if it’s right for you. Endure the initially rough ride she may (or may not) give you and then things will quiet down. But if you break cover, that will encourage more.

I also had to grieve the mother I never had and never will have. I also used a Therapist, this website and loads of books to recover. I got there, but slowly (which I believe is standard, i.e. slowly) . Now, not sure I do want to re-connect, but if I do it will be on my own terms. But NC doesn’t need to be forever, and you don’t even need to announce it. If I hadn’t fallen ill, I would have done what my other siblings did and just slowly back away and fade to grey. But what’s right for me, may not be right for you. Some prefer full contact, other low contact, or NC just for a respite. Would be interested to know why you have gone NC. But the big lesson I learn't is I need to help myself sometimes, before I can help others. It's not selfish for me to go to a Dr (as my BPD use to be the only one allowed to be ill).   

[NamasteArtemis]

When bro was splitting after months of insanity, it was great to not have to deal with him! Watching him rage next to his baby and how she showed no fear or even curiosity for his screaming made me realize a chilling truth... .that these rages were not just directed at me and mom. My niece was obviously so used to his behaviour that it did not bother or interest her! I felt fear. When he would not stop I left. If was very liberating to walk away from this behavior. Then an incredible weight of guilt regarding my niece took over. And the a year and a half later after trying to drop a gift off on nieces 2nd birthday and bro charged out to confront me, came the incredible sense of overwhelming fear and loss. To be away from that crap and plunge back in unwillingly was like a slap waking me from my excuses for his behavior. I grieved like he had died. I got therapy. I had panic attacks anytime I came across someone like him or if I saw him.  I am still afraid of him. I would never want to be alone with him. I would never think of even talking to him without a therapist. At the same time I still feel a terrible loss of my brother, b/c he was not always a raging angry monster. And I feel relief that I don't have to always feel afraid or walk on eggshells or be abused and hurt. It really is like a fog lifting... .you see things clearly now that you have distanced yourself from the storm. Be strong. 

[thefourth]

A few months ago I watched the movie Tangled. When Rapunzel leaves the tower for the first time there is this brilliant scene where it cuts from her celebrating and swinging from trees yelling "I'm free!", to her face down moaning "I'm the worst daughter in the world!". It cuts back and forth between many emotions for a minute or so. This scene describes how I handled going NC with my uBPD mother.

I am going on my ninth month being NC with my mom. I still find it hard, and there are still new circumstances that I need to navigate. I have experienced all of the emotions you describe (often all at the same time!). During the holidays, I particularly struggled with longing, not for my mom in particular, but just a mom. I am really angry that I don't have the mom that I need.

You are doing an extremely difficult thing in going NC. It takes a lot of strength. I am really grateful that you are doing what is healthiest for you. Thanks for sharing your experience, it has been an encouragement to me!

[pessim-optimist]

I felt relief, like I could finally breathe and be myself (whatever that meant - I wasn't sure) without having to spend half of my energy on fending off my parents' well intentioned but dysfunctional and controlling intrusions into my life.

I was emotionally numb, and wondered if I loved my parents at all, because I did not miss them. And I felt guilty for that.

Most importantly, though, it was a time of healing and maturing: the separation afforded me the peace and space to start sorting through who I really was, what I liked and disliked, what parts of myself I wanted to keep and which parts were only accommodating my parents wishes, but were not good for me, etc.

Not everything that came from my parents was bad - they taught me some really good lessons and I wanted to keep some of that. I just did not want to become their extension or clone always reacting to them instead of being myself and the separation was necessary for that reason.

I always looked at myself as separate and independent, and a good deal of me was rebelling to my parents' pressures but it was a false front nonetheless, not my authentic self.

And I found out that there was a whole another world of better skills and ways of relating that I could learn and make my own.

In an ideal world, we would grow up in a healthy family and have permission to be ourselves and mature and develop our character well from the start. We didn't have that luxury, but we can still develop and change and heal now - IT'S NEVER TOO LATE! That was the biggest discovery - I had previously thought that once we were grown, we were stuck for life. Nothing could be farther from the truth. That was LIBERATING!

I reconnected with my parents 3.5 years later. I keep healthy boundaries with them and our relationship is fairly shallow - they aren't healthy enough to have a close relationship. It is sad, and it still makes me sad from time to time. We make the best of what there is.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, lavalove.

It's usually a difficult decision to end contact with a parent, with a lot of difficult situations leading up to it. I am sorry that's what it came to for you, and I understand. I haven't had contact with my BPD mother for almost 5 years, and have only been talking with my dad again for about 2.

At first, when I decided to officially end contact, I felt a great deal of anxiety and guilt. I thought about how devastating it would feel to receive a letter from my child like the one I sent them; I worried that they would lose their sh!t and start stalking us or kidnap my kids from school. Pretty much every emotion was there, including the one deep in my gut that told me it was ok to take a break from them in order to heal. So, yes, when you say your emotions feel more heightened, that does sound familiar. Over time, for me, that gradually diminished. I became able to relax. And then I was able to do the healing work I had set out to do in the first place.

I hope you will keep us posted on how you are feeling as time goes on. Do you have professional support as well during this time?

Wishing you peace,

P.F.