Sick of thinking about her

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, this website has kind of saved me, thanks to all of you!

Broke up 4 weeks ago with my undiagnosed exBPDg (wouldn't really know whether she is diagnosed or not, I suppose she is and kept it to herself: she's been going to a psychiatrist for 10-15 years and we frequently spoke about her sessions but she never mentioned BPD to me, I only found out about Borderlines by chance after breaking contact, our relationship and her behaviour fits all the criteria for a high functioning borderline though). NC since then the second we broke up. I think I'm doing ok, the sadness and nostalgia seldom appear, and when they appear, they don't last long. The anger at her lack of integrity and infidelity is still here with me, very present, though not constant. I'm taking good care of myself, sleeping and eating properly, super busy with work, friends, etc... .But my real issue right now is I can't seem to get her out of my mind. It is just absolutely exhausting. Not five minutes pass without her appearing in my thoughts. I'm truly sick of it. And it is worrying me as the majority of the other aspects (questioning, sadness, pity, anger, astonishment at her behaviour) are slowly dissolving... .

Any ideas on how to get off the sick train of thoughts?

[NoNoNo]

Hi all, this website has kind of saved me, thanks to all of you!

Broke up 4 weeks ago with my undiagnosed exBPDg (wouldn't really know whether she is diagnosed or not, I suppose she is and kept it to herself: she's been going to a psychiatrist for 10-15 years and we frequently spoke about her sessions but she never mentioned BPD to me, I only found out about Borderlines by chance after breaking contact, our relationship and her behaviour fits all the criteria for a high functioning borderline though). NC since then the second we broke up. I think I'm doing ok, the sadness and nostalgia seldom appear, and when they appear, they don't last long. The anger at her lack of integrity and infidelity is still here with me, very present, though not constant. I'm taking good care of myself, sleeping and eating properly, super busy with work, friends, etc... .But my real issue right now is I can't seem to get her out of my mind. It is just absolutely exhausting. Not five minutes pass without her appearing in my thoughts. I'm truly sick of it. And it is worrying me as the majority of the other aspects (questioning, sadness, pity, anger, astonishment at her behaviour) are slowly dissolving... .

Any ideas on how to get off the sick train of thoughts?

[C.Stein]

Hi all, this website has kind of saved me, thanks to all of you!

Broke up 4 weeks ago with my undiagnosed exBPDg (wouldn't really know whether she is diagnosed or not, I suppose she is and kept it to herself: she's been going to a psychiatrist for 10-15 years and we frequently spoke about her sessions but she never mentioned BPD to me, I only found out about Borderlines by chance after breaking contact, our relationship and her behaviour fits all the criteria for a high functioning borderline though). NC since then the second we broke up. I think I'm doing ok, the sadness and nostalgia seldom appear, and when they appear, they don't last long. The anger at her lack of integrity and infidelity is still here with me, very present, though not constant. I'm taking good care of myself, sleeping and eating properly, super busy with work, friends, etc... .But my real issue right now is I can't seem to get her out of my mind. It is just absolutely exhausting. Not five minutes pass without her appearing in my thoughts. I'm truly sick of it. And it is worrying me as the majority of the other aspects (questioning, sadness, pity, anger, astonishment at her behaviour) are slowly dissolving... .

Any ideas on how to get off the sick train of thoughts?

Time.  Try not to attach to the thoughts.  See them for what they are and let them pass  through you.  Sounds easier than it really is, I know all too well.  I'm at 3 months since the final discard and I'm a mess.  You are doing well in comparison, especially given it has only been 4 weeks.  

[Mutt]

Hi NONONO,

I only found out about Borderlines by chance after breaking contact, our relationship and her behaviour fits all the criteria for a high functioning borderline though).

I'm sorry to hear that. She's been going to a P for over a decade. She fits all of the criteria's for BPD. It doesn't sound like she told you about BPD. What does that mean when you say that this was by chance when you broke contact? Was there a particular behavior that was a tell? Did she say or do something? Did someone else hint at personality disorders?

[zundertowz]

Hi all, this website has kind of saved me, thanks to all of you!

Broke up 4 weeks ago with my undiagnosed exBPDg (wouldn't really know whether she is diagnosed or not, I suppose she is and kept it to herself: she's been going to a psychiatrist for 10-15 years and we frequently spoke about her sessions but she never mentioned BPD to me, I only found out about Borderlines by chance after breaking contact, our relationship and her behaviour fits all the criteria for a high functioning borderline though). NC since then the second we broke up. I think I'm doing ok, the sadness and nostalgia seldom appear, and when they appear, they don't last long. The anger at her lack of integrity and infidelity is still here with me, very present, though not constant. I'm taking good care of myself, sleeping and eating properly, super busy with work, friends, etc... .But my real issue right now is I can't seem to get her out of my mind. It is just absolutely exhausting. Not five minutes pass without her appearing in my thoughts. I'm truly sick of it. And it is worrying me as the majority of the other aspects (questioning, sadness, pity, anger, astonishment at her behaviour) are slowly dissolving... .

Any ideas on how to get off the sick train of thoughts?

I wish I knew... I'm seven months out and even though I was not devastated when the relationship ended the thoughts and rumination about the her have been lingering forever. 

[Forteventur]

I think many people who leave a relationship with a pwbd struggle with it for a long time. I know I do.

We're not as good in emotional cut-offs.

I'll assume the relationship made you feel alive, more so than usual (and pardon me if I'm wrong). The struggle, especially for affection, made you active.

When we lose our pwbd, we lose part of ourselves too - or what made us feel aliveness and self-activate - and now you're disconnected.

You end up missing that chaos because the struggle, the effort, the pain of it is better than nothingness and the self-doubt.

Again, I'm assuming that's how it went with you, but that's how its been going for me (hell, if she called me right now I'd run back to her).

I'd tell you to focus on yourself and your self-worth, identify what, how or why you were attracted to her, and give it time.

[NoNoNo]

What does that mean when you say that this was by chance when you broke contact? Was there a particular behavior that was a tell? Did she say or do something? Did someone else hint at personality disorders?

thanks mutt. i often read psychology articles and over a week after breaking up, due to lack of concentration, and a need to procrastinate, i stumbled on a piece on r/s with borderlines: i feel off my chair. it was the clearest x-rays possible of the relationship i had with her. the perfect sequence. all the phases right there. the adulation, the ego trip i ended up on, the abandonment fears, the pull-push, the way we ended up breaking up, all of it... .then comes her x-rays: her whole persona right there, all the traits except the more extreme ones (no suicidal tendencies, or dangerous behaviours, or severe dissociative symptons, at least not that i know of), the comorbidity right there, etc... .she didn't mention anything but her best friend (who is also a friend of mine) had said that she was crazy. also a couple of common friends that know both of us well, were pretty concerned with me being in a r/s with her... .at some point they were thinking of doing an "intervention" on me so i would open my eyes. i was so absorbed in this r/s that i used to think they were exaggerating, i just thought she had some issues... .well the fact of the matter is that she has MAJOR issues. crazy how we just see what we want to see. or need to see?

   

[guy4caligirl]

What had helped a lot is when the thought of her came into my mind , I started to take that particular thought and see why I was triggered to think of her ,?A Song , a place etc , seemed to help me a lot... .Thinking what triggered the thought of her  instead of thinking of her .

Hope that helps .

[C.Stein]

What had helped a lot is when the thought of her came into my mind , I started to take that particular thought and see why I was triggered to think of her ,?A Song , a place etc , seemed to help me a lot... .Thinking what triggered the thought of her  instead of thinking of her .

Hope that helps .

What happens when just being awake triggers you to think about her?

[NoNoNo]

I'll assume the relationship made you feel alive, more so than usual (and pardon me if I'm wrong). The struggle, especially for affection, made you active.

totally, i really needed affection. and i received it. my trouble with it now is placing it somewhere so that i can understand what it was. was it honest? was it just the result of a disorder? if i think of the emotional and sexual cheating at the end as part of the disorder (it happened at a moment of extreme closeness, the closest and most open we had ever been), then i have to think of all the affection and intimacy of the r/s also as a result of her disorder. and that leaves me with nothing. 

You end up missing that chaos because the struggle, the effort, the pain of it is better than nothingness and the self-doubt.

Again, I'm assuming that's how it went with you, but that's how its been going for me (hell, if she called me right now I'd run back to her).

i'm sorry to hear that. i feel a deep sense of betrayal. but no nothingness around here. my life goes beyond her. far beyond her. i don't need her close to be well or happy. quite the opposite: i actually need her to be far away so the big lie that she was finally fades. i would NOT run back to her in a millions years. i would NOT go back to that life in a million years. probably that's the good part about her cheating: it opened a door for me to understand who she really was. after that, lie after lie has been uncovered. 

[NoNoNo]

Thinking what triggered the thought of her  instead of thinking of her .

Hope that helps .

And then avoiding the trigger?

[cyclistIII]

I agree: if you're at this place after only four weeks, you're doing extremely well.

For me it was about three months until I really emotionally turned a corner, and started to be able to think about him without feeling intense sadness or anger -- the situation even started to seem funny at times. I could handle it.

What I couldn't do, however, was stop thinking about it, and that annoyed the hell out of me... .I eventually decided to just let it go and be patient, and, about three weeks later, it seems to be consuming less and less of my thoughts... .and when he does cross my mind I'm getting better and better at internally changing the subject.

But really, nothing I TRIED to do worked; I just had to let my brain do its thing and be patient. Pain in the ass (and still in progress) but getting better.