How the relationship with my pwBPD relates to my folks

[cloudten]

Okay- so I have a very wise friend who once told me "you'll know you're almost done with therapy when you start addressing your issues with your parents."  HAHA. I thought at the time, "I don't have issue with my parents."  Well, today my mind was blown.

This has potential to be a long post. I wanted to try to get my thoughts out on paper here... .and who knows if what I say will eventually help someone else.

So when I was once again purging my facebook friends list (just double checking that all those loose threads were snipped from the pwBPD), I came across a man I friended about a year ago, after a BPD breakup. This man was very nice and we happen to both be in philanthropy. From a professional standpoint, we exchanged business cards. About 10 minutes after we left the restaurant, he called me. He said "i just want you to know that you are a very special person, and that you need to believe in yourself and you can be set free."  This man knew nothing, absolutely nothing about what I had been through. But he proceeded to tell me things that only I knew about myself. So, some sort of an intuitive or psychic or something- maybe.  I kind of put it in the back of my memory as a weird evening.

As I was going down my friends list last night, I came upon his name. I have not talked to him since that night. I messaged him and said "I am trying to do what you told me to do."

He responded right away. We caught up. I told him everything that I had been thru and what had happened to me. He was very sorry and told me that I needed to figure out when I stopped believing in myself. I kind of agreed and said goodnight. I thought it was kind of silly.

Well, this morning he messaged me again... .and where he went with this so quickly makes 18 months in therapy feel like a waste of time and money... .

I was thinking about our conversation last night after dropping my boys off at school and I asked myself, why would CloudTen stay with an abuser, and what came to mind was that in your childhood, you behaved in ways to please your parents, especially your mom. Pleasers take on the belief that if they can only make someone happy, it will mean they are special, valuable, worthy, etc. Pleasers whole value in life becomes dependent (codependent) upon the happiness of the person they are aiming to please. In romantic relationships, we are drawn to those who recreate the relationship from childhood that we need to heal. Your BPDx represents your mother and provides for you a way to see that your value is based upon only one thing, what you say. You chose an extreme (abusive) relationship probably because your mother was extreme in her own way. One of the reasons it is so intoxicating and so hard to walk away from is because it maps onto your mother and walking away from our parents is next to impossible- that love is so primal.  Part of your journey is to heal the relationship with your mother, and by doing so the relationship with yourself, which will create a clearing for you to have a healthy partnership with a man.

apparently my love for my BPDx enabled me to feel the love I repressed for my mom.

I will tell you, this guy knows nothing about my mom and my family. My dad is codep. My mom is crazy... .OCD i think, probably coupled with something else. My mom was always really mean to me growing up. Just mean. She never talked nicely to me, she was always threatening me and talking down to me. Not sure I really remember her telling me she loved me as a child. She says it sometimes now. But as a child it wasn't there. My dad always put me to bed. My dad was the source of love from my parents. All I know to say is that she was just mean.  I always told myself that I would never be like her. Sometimes on my bad days, I hear my own tone of voice with my D6, and feel awful as I sound just like my mother. I usually try to catch myself and be more kind and loving. 

So- I guess I never really thought about it... .but I remember I told my BPDx last spring that I simply do not love my mother. I have tried to love her. I wish I loved her. But I simply don't love my mom.

Some of these concepts of my BPD = my mom feel huge and overwhelming. Why on earth would I equate her with him? He was very different from her. But I guess it was something about the way he treated me- something about it was similar to her.

So I have to try to figure out how to love my unhealthy, unstable mother in order to avoid the pattern with future men... .that is my understanding.

It makes sense to me. I don't know how I will execute this... .honestly.  It doesn't really help me in the grieving aspect of things... .but it does give me some insight and direction.  I knew it would come back around to my parents somehow- I just didn't really expect this 'love your mom' stuff. haha.

So... .that's where I am with that. I guess if you are trying to avoid a repeat in your next relationship- start thinking about your relationship with your parents.

[Ulysses]

This is a really timely post for me to read.

What do you think is meant by "heal" the relationship with your mother? 

Is it up to you to heal it?  Is it possible?

I'm just realizing my exNPD/BPDh was in some ways like my mother.  BIG realization for me here.  I'm interested in hearing how you progress with this. 

[Harri]

Hi cloudten.  That was some great insight that man gave you.

As someone who has been working hard on healing childhood wounds, I think he is right on the money when he says you have to heal the relationship with your mother/parents.  "Healing the relationship" may mean learning to love your mother as she is today but it may be more along the lines of acknowledging the hurts, recognizing the wounds that you carry from your childhood, and seeing how they affect you today so that you can choose to change the way you interact and respond to others in personal relationships rather than reacting at an almost unconscious level and looking to others to heal those wounds and fill those unmet needs.  

One thing I have come to believe is that denying/failing to recognize my love for my mother was just as damaging as denying the anger and hurt I felt towards her (and my father).  I'm not saying that I think you love your mother, but as a child, there was something there.  As infants we are programmed to love and depend on our caregivers.   I think that is the primal love he was referring to.  We *have* to love and trust our caregivers otherwise we will not survive.  When there is a disconnect or when we have a parent who is not able to meet our needs as an infant and child we learn to blame ourselves.  We internalize the message that there is something wrong with us, that we are unworthy.  That primal love does not just go away I don't think.  It may not grow and become a mature love though (does that make sense?  Having a hard time finding my words here)  

Some of these concepts of my BPD = my mom feel huge and overwhelming.

Yes, it is overwhelming and huge to consider.  It is also exciting and so worth the fight and hard work to come to a place of self acceptance and understanding of how you came to be who you are today (not that I have reached that place yet, but it has been a worthwhile journey and I look forward to more of it.)  

Take courage and Bon voyage!    

[cloudten]

This is a really timely post for me to read.

What do you think is meant by "heal" the relationship with your mother? 

Is it up to you to heal it?  Is it possible?

I'm just realizing my exNPD/BPDh was in some ways like my mother.  BIG realization for me here.  I'm interested in hearing how you progress with this. 

I asked him more about this, because I just simply don't know if my mother is mentally healthy enough to actually talk to and try to heal on that level.  I told him I didn't think it was possible to heal the relationship, but that it might make more sense to cut my mother out.

He said "NO, it is about loving her as she is and as she isn't, and not allowing her to affect or control how you feel or think. You are denying your love for her. You can love someone and not spend time with them, but you have to understand that all children have love for their parents. Love is not fondness, affection, or anything else, it's love. BPDx enabled you to feel the love you repressed for your mom."   I went on to argue that they weren't the same in the way they treated me- and he said "They are the same, you only notice the differences. Most people don't know what healthy love is or how to love someone unhealthy in a healthy way."

Harri- I agree with you that it may be more along the lines of acknowledging the hurts and the wounds.- and changing the way i interact and respond to others (especially my mom).

Yes, you make sense.

So if loving my BPDx was my repressed love for my mother, does that mean I actually loved him? I strongly believe that I truly loved him... .so does that mean that that love is primal and will never go away?  If it never goes away and remains as intense in my heart as it does now, I am not sure I will ever enter into another romantic relationship. LOL.

Yes, it is truly overwhelming at a time when I feel like everything is overwhelming. Haha. I am glad to think that this resonates with others here.

[eeks]

Harri- I agree with you that it may be more along the lines of acknowledging the hurts and the wounds.- and changing the way i interact and respond to others (especially my mom).

I was having a really rough day today anxiety-wise.  I am not sure what reminded me of Alice Miller but I have one of her books (Free from Lies) and I have read others (they're fairly repetitive, except for Drama of the Gifted Child which was written earlier and retains some of the psychoanalytic jargon, but you could pick any book to start).  I pulled it off the shelf... .she has this idea of finding an advocate, or witness, for the child you were, and that therapy as advocacy involves partiality (i.e. instead of remaining neutral, the therapist expresses indignation at what happened to you as a child).  And if you can't find such an advocate, her book(s) can serve that purpose. 

She puts great emphasis on the need to tell the truth of what happened to you, and your feelings, in order to improve mental and even physical health.  She describes however, obstacles to that process including the unwillingness of most in society to acknowledge the cruelties that are engaged in against children "for their own good" (including even "occasional" spanking... .to her, all violence kills love)

An uncommon point of view, but worth considering.

So maybe it is not about loving or not loving your mother, or how you communicate with her in present day (although that may eventually become important), but about telling the truth?

[cloudten]

Telling the truth to myself?

This is an interesting idea. My sister is coming to stay with me for the weekend. I might pick her brain on the mom issue (we have the same mom).

[cloudten]

Well I just might as well join every board on this site... .because I am figuring out that I am in this BPD/NPD stuff deeper than I originally thought.

So- after my friend told me that my r/s with my dBPDxbf "maps perfectly" onto the r/s I have with my mother... .i sort of didn't believe him. I have been searching and searching. I know my mom isn't BPD. I lived with her long enough and with my xbf long enough to know that they appear and act like very different people.

I had a great weekend with my sister last weekend. I opened up to her a little bit about my thoughts regarding our mother. She didn't seem to agree or disagree... .but she listened. She understood that I don't feel like I love our mom. I can't really say we shared a special moment about it. My sister is very odd and hard to read sometimes. I would not say we are "close". She is also 7 years younger than me. So I think in a lot of ways, we had two different mothers... .so maybe her experience was just wholly different than my own. I think my sister was the golden child... .in fact I know she was the golden child. So I think her experience was different than my own.

I had dinner with another friend two nights ago.  We often get into deep discussions about our personal issues, relationship issues, parent issues, kid issues, etc. We were talking about my mom and about how my BPDx = my mom.  He goes "man your mom is so narcissistic". Now, I have not really talked to him about BPD and all the crazy that goes with that. But just by him using that word, it really made me think. 

I have never considered my mom a narcissist. She is morbidly obese and has been since her car accident when I was 8. She broke her back. She hasn't been attached to mirrors. She isn't particularly beautiful nor strives for any kind of public persona. But that isn't always what a narcissist is... .so I am figuring out.  The world has always revolved around her. I was never good enough. I was always told that I couldn't be anything but happy.  Our family was the shiny red apple with a worm in it. We looked beautiful from the outside... .the picture of perfect happy family life.  My dad is absolutely the enabling father. He will bend over backwards for her. he puts her socks on her. he does EVERYTHING for her. I wouldn't be surprised if he brushes her teeth for her.

So I started researching last night and my mind remains blown- again. This morning I downloaded a book called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride.

I cried all the way to work as I listened. That's my mom. My mom is a narcissist... .if not NPD. I am shocked and overwhelmed.  I am terrified I am messing up my own daughter. I don't know if I am narcissistic. I hope not... .but I do think I am not as nurturing as I should be. As I explore this, I am hoping that for me, it is simply bad learned behavior from how my mother mothered me... .or didn't mother me.  Back in the spring, my pwBPD told one of his friends that I am "only a mom when i have to be."  This has haunted me. It has made me feel horrible that I am a terrible mother... .but now I see he was probably right. I am probably a horrible mother because my mother was a horrible mother... .and frankly her mother was probably a horrible mother too. I remember my grandmother- she wasn't nurturing at all. She was my least favorite grandmother.

I do know for the last few years, I have been more selfish as I have tried to navigate the relationship with my BPDx. And since the breakup I have been almost as self-centered because I am trying to figure this all out so I can heal and get to the other side. I am sure I have learned bad behavior and bad mothering from my mother. I remember from my earliest memory, telling myself that if I had children, that I did not want to be like my mother. I have tried not to be my mother- but I am not sure I have tried hard enough. I don't want to be NPD. I don't so badly. I don't want to mess up my daughter. I don't want her to mess up her daughter.  I want to end the cycle.

This morning D6 asked me if she was my favorite person... .with a resounding yes and huge round of kisses... .and tried my best to reassure her that she is my favorite person. She probably is my favorite person... .haha.

So now I am learning this narcissistic stuff. learning learning learning. It can be so overwhelming. i don't have enough time and energy to do this fast enough.

[eeks]

I have never considered my mom a narcissist. She is morbidly obese and has been since her car accident when I was 8. She broke her back. She hasn't been attached to mirrors. She isn't particularly beautiful nor strives for any kind of public persona. But that isn't always what a narcissist is... .so I am figuring out.  The world has always revolved around her. I was never good enough. I was always told that I couldn't be anything but happy.  Our family was the shiny red apple with a worm in it. We looked beautiful from the outside... .the picture of perfect happy family life.  My dad is absolutely the enabling father. He will bend over backwards for her. he puts her socks on her. he does EVERYTHING for her. I wouldn't be surprised if he brushes her teeth for her.

Hi cloudten,

I think it's so unfortunate that the popular culture understanding of "narcissism" seems to be this caricature of someone who is full of themselves and image-focused, everything revolves around them, and simply that these people ought to get over themselves and think of others more, rather than something that can be rooted in developmental trauma/neglect at an early age.

From what I've read on narcissistic family dynamics, the narcissist parent sees their children as an extension of themselves, and so if the child is not perfect, that means the parent is not perfect.  And the parent feels they have to be perfect, because they are still holding on to their self-protective grandiosity (protecting from the parent's neglect or disapproval) from their relationship with their own parents.  The way I see it is, the narcissistic parent's primary loyalty is to their own internalized parents, not to their own child.

I cried all the way to work as I listened. That's my mom. My mom is a narcissist... .if not NPD. I am shocked and overwhelmed.  I am terrified I am messing up my own daughter. I don't know if I am narcissistic. I hope not... .but I do think I am not as nurturing as I should be. As I explore this, I am hoping that for me, it is simply bad learned behavior from how my mother mothered me... .or didn't mother me.  Back in the spring, my pwBPD told one of his friends that I am "only a mom when i have to be."  This has haunted me. It has made me feel horrible that I am a terrible mother... .but now I see he was probably right. I am probably a horrible mother because my mother was a horrible mother... .and frankly her mother was probably a horrible mother too. I remember my grandmother- she wasn't nurturing at all. She was my least favorite grandmother.

That you feel shocked and terrified, and concerned that you have negatively impacted your daughter, tells me you have empathy, and you genuinely care about your daughter.  And that's a good sign.  Also, she's 6.  Think about how different it would be if you didn't become aware of these issues until she was 36?  I'm not trying to minimize your feelings... .just to say that you do have time.

The other good news is that parents who improve their mentalizing ability- https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/attachment-theory-expanded-mentalization/ - can avoid or minimize passing on their trauma to their children (I read this in a book written for therapists about attachment in therapy, I can't remember the title but I'll see if I can track it down).  So what that suggests is that you don't have to have healed your unresolved issues from your experience with your mother completely, in order to avoid impacting your daughter.

[cloudten]

Thank you for the article. Wow- It explains a lot about my BPDx and about me as well... .and probably my mother as well.

I am not sure if my mother thought I was an extension of herself... .certainly i was a reflection on her and her parenting.  I was never allowed to express any emotion but joy. My emotions were stiffled. Now that I think about it- being with my BPDx was exactly the same. Maybe that is why it felt like home. I couldn't show emotions there either. huh.  For the last three years as I have fought with my parents, in and out of NC... and now through the breakup... .I always said that everything had to be rainbows and butterflies around my mother. It is true. Everything has to be happy... .its so fake. In a letter I wrote and presented to my parents in the spring... .in an effort to talk to them... .I told them how real families have arguments, real families comfort each other, real families call each other names.

The episode that really upset my mom to the point where she didn't talk to me for a year- my mother, sister and I were arguing about something... .and I called my sister a b*tch. I had never ever done that to her face or in front of my parents. It started WWIII... .all because I called my sister a b. (she is a b). So I am not sure I was an extention of my mother- maybe my sister was... .but everything had to be rainbows and butterflies and revolved around my mother's happiness.

I have also noticed for quite some time, about 6 years, that whenever I am over at their house I eat... .a lot. I eat a lot around my mother. i think its my coping mechanism. Plus- she's huge. She criticises me when I am thinner. About this time last year I was a size 2. With all of the stress between my parents and my BPDx, i gained a full 20lbs since a year ago and am now a size 8. Now that I am heavier... .my mother doesn't criticize my weight anymore and tells me I look better. Honestly I feel like crap. I know I am overweight and my clothes don't fit. My confidence is low. This is not my "normal" weight. Maybe she is trying to make me be an extension of her... .hmmmmmmmmm.

I have so much to work through now. i think this attachment stuff is next.

[Grey Kitty]

cloudten, you are finding some really good stuff for yourself in this thread. I'm jumping in late, but found a few things that jumped out at me.

Well, this morning he messaged me again... .and where he went with this so quickly makes 18 months in therapy feel like a waste of time and money... .

You wouldn't have been open to what he offered without the therapy; that was time and money well spent.

However... .this man... .he clearly has some powerful insights, at least with you, if not with other people as well. I think you would do well to keep him in your life in some form or other. At least now and again. You don't find that kind of person or that kind of connection every day.

So if loving my BPDx was my repressed love for my mother, does that mean I actually loved him? I strongly believe that I truly loved him... .so does that mean that that love is primal and will never go away?  If it never goes away and remains as intense in my heart as it does now, I am not sure I will ever enter into another romantic relationship. LOL.

Love is mysterious, but not that rare. I firmly believe that you really loved him... .with your capacity to love at the time. I also believe that he loved you... .with his own capacity to love. You had a bunch of unresolved stuff with your mother, and that kinda got in the way, mixed in with the love, and added a lot of messy needs and other stuff to the love you felt. (His issues were different, but also got mixed in with him.) I've seen lots of posters question if their partner ever truly loved them, and I believe the answer is yes, but only to their limited capacity.

As you heal, you will find your capacity to love increases, and the other needs/messy stuff you mix with it diminishes.

I have a very wise friend who once told me "you'll know you're almost done with therapy when you start addressing your issues with your parents."

Here's another one

Right now you are working through all the issues you have with your difficult (abusive) parent, your mother. As you do, your life will improve drastically, and you are starting to see that.

Later (possibly years later) you will find your childhood issues with your dad, the easier/good/loving parent. Once you process that, I suspect you will find that your life starts unfolding and blooming in amazing ways. You will be suddenly free of the subtle self-sataboge you didn't even know you were doing.

[cloudten]

Grey Kitty,

this all resonates so much with me today. I spent my entire weekend processing the stuff with my mom... .and still missing my BPDx.

Thanks for the recommendation to keep my insightful friend in my life. At a time where I am pretty much blocking out all men, I think you are very right that it would do me well to keep him in my life, as a friend.

You are right that the relationship with the BPDx was messy- especially in this last year. I think I was coming into the realization of the problems with my mother for the last year- so I was beginning to sort them out long before we ended and entered into NC 7 weeks ago. (i can't believe it has been 7 week- feels and hurts like yesterday.)  I know I was processing mom stuff all the while still trying to be with him. I don't think I was capable of properly handling both at the same time, if that makes sense. The capacity thing makes sense. I do believe he loved me. I do think that he actually probably loved me to capacity and more than he loved anyone else on this earth... .which hurts yet makes me feel good to an extent. I do think that we loved each other a great deal- but each of our own issues made it impossible to work out and have a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship.

Ugh my dad. He is battling cancer right now... .and I really don't want to believe he has any issues (yes I'm in denial).  I think my biggest issue with my dad is that he could never stand up for me (against my mother). He loved me- although at times would side with her even if he knew the better option would be to support me against my mothers will. For example, in one breakup with my dBPDx, I went to stay with my parents for a few days. My dad went out of town on business, and my mother freaked out at my sister and I (she usually freaks out when he is gone... .hmmm)... .and the three of us argued. I called my sister a b*tch in front of my mother who constantly called her a b*tch behind my sister's back.  When my dad got home the next day, he kicked me out simply for calling my sister a b*tch.  That was it. So---- I ran back to my BPDx... .when I really needed my family's love and unconditional support the most.  He knew that kicking me out was wrong. He didn't want to.  He unknowingly also turned his entire extended family against him and my mother. When I told my uncle, whom I am very close to, what happened... .it spread thru the family and that rift has never been the same. My extended family would call me and express their sorrow- that my grandfather would be so upset... .because there is no reason short of felonies and stealing and drug abuse to kick a child out... ..  While I appreciated their support- all I really wanted was for my dad to stand up for me against my mother.  Love me even though I may have appeared to be emotionally difficult.  But instead, they shunned me, and I returned to my BPDx... .which was about the worst decision I have ever made. 

I think those are really my biggest issues with my father.  I forgive him for it. I know he is completely engulfed and enabling to my mother- and I have empathy and compassion for him. He keeps telling me that I should come live with them and save money for a while.  While it is extremely appealing to save money so I can afford a larger place, I know it would never work as long as my mother is in the picture. I don't really have the heart to tell him that. I think he cares about me, but I am sure there is also a selfish element in there for him- he would love to have a reasonably sane person around.  They are empty nesters and I think he is lonely.

I feel like I have put aside dealing with the fallout from the BPDx breakup. I miss him to the core. But I have set it aside to deal with my mom baggage. I am hoping, maybe incorrectly, that if I deal with the mom baggage, that I am indirectly dealing with the BPDx baggage too. I don't know though... .but I do know I am crying- a lot.

[Grey Kitty]

There is a long essay on love that I found out there in the wilderness of the web, which fits with this part of the conversation.

www.markmanson.net/love

As for your issues with your father, your situation reminds me a lot of a very good friend's situation, although she is a bit ahead of you here, so consider this a preview of a possible path ahead of you. Once you sort through more of the immediate issues, especially stuff around your exbf... .and then have the space to build some friendships into something really solid and healthy, possibly get involved with a new guy in the healthiest relationship of your life... .That was where she was when she finally dealt with stuff relating to her father. And once she did that, truly amazing things started to unfold for her.

I feel like I have put aside dealing with the fallout from the BPDx breakup. I miss him to the core. But I have set it aside to deal with my mom baggage. I am hoping, maybe incorrectly, that if I deal with the mom baggage, that I am indirectly dealing with the BPDx baggage too. I don't know though... .but I do know I am crying- a lot.

I don't think there is a wrong answer as for what to work on there.

A meditation teacher once told me that everything you need is in the present moment. What she meant was that if something in your past is truly important, and you need to resolve it, those thoughts and feelings are guaranteed to come up for you in the present. If they don't come up, you have dealt with them one way or another... .or need to deal with something else first. Trust yourself, and be gentle with yourself.

I've had my weeks and months of crying a lot too. They aren't easy. You are brave enough and strong enough to feel those things. I don't know any other way. 

[Learning_curve74]

Great insights, cloudten.  .

I just wanted to chime in because I had similar experiences with my father that I believe led me to stay in an unhealthy relationship with my BPD exgf. My father has narcissistic traits mixed with the low emotional IQ characteristic of autism spectrum disorder. While I always loved my dad, I never felt loved by him, so in my life I've always felt that I had to work hard to "win" love from other people. I felt like if only i did the right things, then I would receive the loving relationship I desired. I realize now that this was not a healthy productive mindset, and it left me vulnerable to unhealthy relationships.

One thing that I realized was that I don't really like my father much even though I do love him. Learning to acknowledge this seeming disconnect and to navigate the feelings involved to the point of being at peace with it has been a huge factor in my personal discovery and growth. Best wishes to you.

[ScotisGone74]

This thread is getting pretty deep at the heart of what lead many of us into these Bpd relationships I believe.     Just to follow up on what Learning had to say  my family experiences are very similar.     My mom has some BPD tendencies at least if not more and my dad is more narcissistic along with clinical depression.    Growing up I always had clothes on my back and we had food, but as far as any "I love You s" or getting any time spent in the backyard throwing a ball around forget about it.   Whatever feelings I had were dismissed or scoffed at while my mom s dramas were dealt with and my dad disappeared.    I still talk to them now, but it is very rarely.   I try to stay LC with them and out of their daily drama, I have a brother and sister they still triangulate. It has been a difficult ride but I know Im getting healthier. 

Happy Holidays

[cloudten]

This thread is getting pretty deep at the heart of what lead many of us into these Bpd relationships I believe.     Just to follow up on what Learning had to say  my family experiences are very similar.     My mom has some BPD tendencies at least if not more and my dad is more narcissistic along with clinical depression.    Growing up I always had clothes on my back and we had food, but as far as any "I love You s" or getting any time spent in the backyard throwing a ball around forget about it.   Whatever feelings I had were dismissed or scoffed at while my mom s dramas were dealt with and my dad disappeared.    I still talk to them now, but it is very rarely.   I try to stay LC with them and out of their daily drama, I have a brother and sister they still triangulate. It has been a difficult ride but I know Im getting healthier. 

Happy Holidays

Yes! I think unlocking the issues with our parents is truly the key to growing, healing, and ultimately happiness!

That would be really hard to have a BPD mom and a narc dad. Like you, all of my physical needs were met. I was clean. The house was clean. We had tons of food (too much really).

It is okay to keep a distance. That is another thing I struggled with for a very long time in my life- was staying away without being "disobedient" or "dishonoring" my mother and father. Being from a conservative Christian family... .you better believe the 5th commandment of honoring my father and mother was drilled into my head and used as an excuse for neglect and abuse (wow- that kinda hurts as I write that).

I still see mine too. I spent Christmas with them... .miserably. I got enough for a few months... ..

I just wrote on another's page that the first step is acceptance. There's a whole bunch of things we have to accept: that they will never change, that we will never be "good enough" for them, that we didn't have the mom/dad that we deserved to have.  Once we accept the things we cannot change, it helps with the healing dramatically. It's like finally reading the writing on the wall. We knew they were nuts, but didn't believe it and still expected our mother to have compassion and nurturing, and for our father to play catch in the yard.  Once we accept that they are not those parents, mourn the parents we deserved, and connect with that inner child and love ourselves... .healing takes on a whole new meaning... .and we break the pattern of finding the wrong person in our romantic relationships.  

Happy holidays... .great job in your work!