Just started NC need inspiration and help

[Depression = 72% of members]

After a very long relationship with a high functioning borderline who I love very much, I had a 4 year NC which spiraled me back into her life to a reunion. All was going well. Then the covert abuse began. Along with her telling me she never had feelings to she still had feelings and only wanted to get our friendship back. I was becoming confused but continued at working to keep her in my life since we both missed each other during the 4 year break. As soon as I noticed the hidden emotional abuse I decided to go NC again. I fear this time may be harder since she didn't do anything exceptionally cruel or hateful to get me walking away angry. Although I know with all my guts and soul that she will continually circle around to punish me like clockwork on the 4-6 month of idealization. For my own health I know I have to stay away, but my loyalty, love, and apparently her mirroring me (which she is really good at), makes this new beginning already feeling difficult. I am so sick of this relationship and the uncertainty. I have been a drug addict, quit, never went back. Drinking problem, haven't been drunk in years. Smoked for over half my life, quit, never went back. All not a problem, don't think of any of those vices. And yet she still lingers in my problems.

[Cane787]

After a very long relationship with a high functioning borderline who I love very much, I had a 4 year NC which spiraled me back into her life to a reunion. All was going well. Then the covert abuse began. Along with her telling me she never had feelings to she still had feelings and only wanted to get our friendship back. I was becoming confused but continued at working to keep her in my life since we both missed each other during the 4 year break. As soon as I noticed the hidden emotional abuse I decided to go NC again. I fear this time may be harder since she didn't do anything exceptionally cruel or hateful to get me walking away angry. Although I know with all my guts and soul that she will continually circle around to punish me like clockwork on the 4-6 month of idealization. For my own health I know I have to stay away, but my loyalty, love, and apparently her mirroring me (which she is really good at), makes this new beginning already feeling difficult. I am so sick of this relationship and the uncertainty. I have been a drug addict, quit, never went back. Drinking problem, haven't been drunk in years. Smoked for over half my life, quit, never went back. All not a problem, don't think of any of those vices. And yet she still lingers in my problems.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Cane,

Nice to hear from you again. Going nc can cause all sorts of emotions to surface. I found it very painful, in the beginning but there are things that you can do to help yourself. I'm just going to share one idea, since I'm short of time this morning:

My experience is that the things that anchor me to a particular person in the present are unresolved emotions from my relationships with people in my past, especially in my family of origin. Put another way, where a person reminds me of someone in my family of origin, I find myself stuck in the current relationship if I have left issues from the past unresolved and am denying that pain or not dealing with it.

The thing that has helped me most in getting over my BPDxbf was putting concerted effort into figuring out who my BPDxbf reminded me of in my family of origin and then expressing the emotions that have been denied and hidden all these years. When I reflected, I realised my attraction to my BPDxbf was basically because he reminded me of my Dad, so it was like getting my father back. That was significant because I missed my Dad terribly because I have had virtually no relationship with him for years because my mum acts as guard dog and prevents access to him. I also realised there were other reminders going on, so I was projecting the positive feelings from previous loves or obsessions onto him too and thus not really seeing him for who he was. He had become a carrier of a composite of my unresolved emotions, I was not seeing him for himself.

If this resonates with you, I suggest that you write or post about it as just thinking about it isn't enough to stimulate expression of the underlying emotions. And allow yourself to feel anger and sadness... .the full expression of feeling has been the key to me.

I have put massive effort into processing this historical stuff and it has really paid off. I am in a much better place with my BPDxbf having gone through this process. Whilst I still love him, I can see him clearly now and consequently my yearnings are fewer, the pain is only occasional and the dreams I had for us no longer haunt me.

I hope this helps.

Love Lifewriter

[Cane787]

Hi LifeWriter! Great to hear from you. And this is a genius response. In fact, some time back when I started therapy (for the first time) regarding other issues that didn't involve my ex whatever she is, one day I went into some detail and answering questions on the repeated silent treatments for punishment that my older sister gave me through my entire childhood, just as the ex inflicted on me, repeatedly. The therapist (who the ex started seeing after me by the way, because she always had to experience what I did... ) the therapist told me I wasn't working on the relationship with the ex but in fact my child self was yearning to repair the one with my abusive icy cold older sister. It truly felt like a brick being hit over my head. All the pieces of this addiction feeling for my ex fell together to an answered puzzle. I guess where to begin with repairing that is where I am most lost. My older sister and I get along fine now but she can still give me anxiety from all I endured as a child, and if I happen to confront her on this issue she would laugh at me, not take me seriously, call me dramatic and shut down. Well, that just described my ex as well. Wow, thank you so much, Lifewriter. You should be a practicing counselor, I hope. I also hope you've gained the access you deserve with your dad as well. He's most certainly missing out.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Cane,

I guess where to begin with repairing that is where I am most lost.

At the risk of getting too esoteric, what I did when I knew that there had to be emotions that I was denying and thus unable to heal, was I said a prayer which went along the lines of saying: I am ready and willing to deal with the emotions that I have been denying and I ask you to give me access to those emotions and to send me the right people to support me through the process. I believe that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

You don't need to believe in God to do this because really it's a prayer to your subconscious mind informing it that it is okay to stop suppressing those emotions now because you are ready to deal with them. The subconscious mind was merely protecting you because that's what you wanted.

Just deal with each feeling as it emerges. The process can not be rushed but it can be facilitated through writing (and other methods work too but I'm basically a writer). As you write, emotions will begin to surface. I have things that I do to help get all sorts of emotions out, like doing an anger dance, crushing tins, beating up pillows (or if I really need to direct it at a person, a teddy bear) to deal with anger. When I feel sad or vulnerable, I try to allow myself to cry if I need too, or wrap myself in a blanket or hug a bear, whatever will soothe me and help me feel safe and loved. The trick is to follow your intuition or simply try things in a safe space. I made myself a baby bottle of hot milk one time when I felt very little and it was the nearest I've felt to complete peace ever... .embarrassment did set in eventually, but, what I'm saying is anything goes as long as it doesn't hurt you or another person/animal and it isn't destroying property that you value or have no right to destroy.

It's emotional work, but it's also fulfilling work. I love seeing myself moving forward emotionally. I see the progress I make, I experience the healing and I feel competent. And, the pain gradually lifts... .

With regard to my dad, I haven't been able to get past the rottweiller yet. I'm on low contact with my mother right now because she normally demands that I present myself for daughterly duties around birthdays and it's my birthday soon. I don't want to do that, so I'm not going to. I hope to arrange something with my dad when I see them both at Christmas.

Lifewriter x

[Cane787]

Thank you so much for this.

It's the best advice I have received yet, in my entire lifetime.

I'm going to copy, save it and live this advice. My common sense tells me it's right, while my heart tells me it could just be my saving grace. Thank you very much.

As for your dad's loss, and the awful person interfering, I sincerely hope you find peace with what you've been dealt with. I'm usually a great judge of character, (except for who remind me of my sister), and I can tell not only are you giving, intelligent, well spoken, kind, and open. You are beyond unselfish.

I will never forget your response, Lifewriter.

xo

[guy4caligirl]

 Hi lifewriter  sorry Cane didn't mean to steal your topic !

I lost my dad at the age of 18 he had a severe nervous breakdown  back then ,I saw him having uncontrollable rages that triggered some difficult and painful moments at  that time while growing up  , it was more than  3 decades ago before moving to the US from  my country of birth , I witnessed  his mood swings but I didn't take in a bad way I knew he couldn't help it there was no diagnose at that time neither Antidepressant medicine .  I saw him suffering and stayed most of my teenager time taking good care of him till he finally passed away I was 18 then .

After reading your post about your dad it made wonder, could that be this sad childhood  event that caused me to become a care taker and stuck it up with my ex PBDGF for a painful 5 years and was broken when we split and I couldn't win  her back ,

Do you think  was I  also devastated  by her lost just  like I lost my dad at an early age ?

I looked back into my childhood while trying to heal the wounds of a failed BPD relationship ,after so many members suggested to look deep in your childhood , this is the only time while dad was agonizing that I can remember the only sad time in my youth I grew up in a loving good family .

Please what's your take on that and if any other member suffered the lost of a love one  at a young might shed a light here ?

Thank

Guy.

[Lil Travis]

My experience is that the things that anchor me to a particular person in the present are unresolved emotions from my relationships with people in my past, especially in my family of origin. Put another way, where a person reminds me of someone in my family of origin, I find myself stuck in the current relationship if I have left issues from the past unresolved and am denying that pain or not dealing with it.

The thing that has helped me most in getting over my BPDxbf was putting concerted effort into figuring out who my BPDxbf reminded me of in my family of origin and then expressing the emotions that have been denied and hidden all these years. When I reflected, I realised my attraction to my BPDxbf was basically because he reminded me of my Dad, so it was like getting my father back. That was significant because I missed my Dad terribly because I have had virtually no relationship with him for years because my mum acts as guard dog and prevents access to him. I also realised there were other reminders going on, so I was projecting the positive feelings from previous loves or obsessions onto him too and thus not really seeing him for who he was. He had become a carrier of a composite of my unresolved emotions, I was not seeing him for himself.

If this resonates with you, I suggest that you write or post about it as just thinking about it isn't enough to stimulate expression of the underlying emotions. And allow yourself to feel anger and sadness... .the full expression of feeling has been the key to me.

I have put massive effort into processing this historical stuff and it has really paid off. I am in a much better place with my BPDxbf having gone through this process. Whilst I still love him, I can see him clearly now and consequently my yearnings are fewer, the pain is only occasional and the dreams I had for us no longer haunt me.

I hope this helps.

Love Lifewriter

I'm new here and I just recently broke up with my non-diagnosed ex girlfriend with BPD traits. I'm sure she has BPD, based on the articles and relationship discussions I see on this board.  At any rate, My ex-girlfriend reminds me of my grandmother. So, I can relate to Lifewriter. I'm glad I found this board in that its helping me to recognize why I have been attracted to BPD/NPD women my entire life.

[guy4caligirl]

Welcome lil Travis ,

You will find comfort and advises  every where you go on this site , don't be afraid to post what's on your mind we are all here at different stages of healing you will also heal !

[Lifewriter16]

Welcome from me too, Lil Travis.

I'm glad you've joined as at BPD Family. It has helped me to get through some of the most raw and painful feelings of my life. I suppressed my emotions in childhood in order to get by, but they've come to light because of my relationship with my BPDbf. He has been a blessing to me, though I couldn't see that when we were in the process of breaking up. All I knew was that I was in terrible pain.

You say you've recognised a resemblance between your ex girlfriend and your grandmother. This is an important insight. What have you experienced with your girlfriend and how does this remind you of your grandmother?

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Guy,

Nice to come across you.

I lost my dad at the age of 18 he had a severe nervous breakdown  back then ,I saw him having uncontrollable rages that triggered some difficult and painful moments at  that time while growing up  , it was more than  3 decades ago before moving to the US from  my country of birth , I witnessed  his mood swings but I didn't take in a bad way I knew he couldn't help it there was no diagnose at that time neither Antidepressant medicine .  I saw him suffering and stayed most of my teenager time taking good care of him till he finally passed away I was 18 then .

After reading your post about your dad it made wonder, could that be this sad childhood  event that caused me to become a care taker and stuck it up with my ex PBDGF for a painful 5 years and was broken when we split and I couldn't win  her back ,

Do you think  was I  also devastated  by her lost just  like I lost my dad at an early age ?

I looked back into my childhood while trying to heal the wounds of a failed BPD relationship ,after so many members suggested to look deep in your childhood , this is the only time while dad was agonizing that I can remember the only sad time in my youth I grew up in a loving good family .

I'm not sure you really need my take, you've made some important connections that you can explore further. If there are other connections to be made, that will happen as you work with what you've already got. It's a process.

My experience is that if grieving doesn't take place when a significant one dies, it can have a massive impact on the bereaved person's life. My grandmother died when I was 11, my grandfather died 9 months after her. I didn't grieve at the time, I just locked the emotions away in my subconscious. Unfortunately, trying to not feel that sadness, blocked my capacity to feel anything. My healing process began with grieving over their deaths.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Cane,

That's most kind of you. It's merely the experience I have gained in a lifetime of dealing with my own pain.

My dad emailed me yesterday to say that he's going to have a pacemaker fitted urgently. It could be done in 6 to 18 weeks if the NHS website is anything to go by. I gather it's a simple procedure with few complications and it should sort out the blackouts he's been having. In the meantime, he's taking things easy. It seems that circumstances are going to bring us together in spite of my mother.

Lifewriter x

[Cane787]

That's fantastic news, Lifewriter! I have a feeling this is long overdue for the both of you.

It's most certainly true that even the soulless beings we battle can't get in the way of a needed reconciliation when love and health is involved. I battled cancer and my older sister has tried her hardest with me ever since. I am in noway healed from her damage, and she's still the queen of passive aggressive, but I know my cancer is what brought her around a little more.

And no problem, guys! I wouldn't dare keep Lifewriter to myself, she's a necessity on this board for all.