Guilt again

[esmaine]

I have mentioned before the my dd lives with her bf, well he wants her out now asap because of her erratic behaviour and I feel so guilty saying this but I can not have her here because we are still holding her baby and need a calm enviroment but even if that wasnt the case my nreves are in shreds and I couldnt cope with her here.

Just feel so bad about that as we all know being a mum means unconditional love and always being there, I just cannot cope with all the drama in my home place anymore though

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

What other options does your d have besides your home?  Wasn't she staying with friends before moving in with boyfriend?

It is often surprising to us what our kids will come up with when left to find their own resources.

[js friend]

I know the guilt is a hard feeling to get over.

Being able to put a roof over our childs head comes with being a parent, but  there is no need to feel guilty if by doing so it will bring instabiltiy and be at the detriment of everyone else. Lbjnltx is right our kids can be very resourceful when they want to be.My dd left home when she was 17yo and I  would never have her living back here although I did allow it earlier this year but more bacuse of the gc while her home was being renovated which didnt go too well. I couldnt wait for her to leave tbh. When she left at 17yo she ended up sorting out her own housing. I remember a phone call from a hostel worker and told her why I wouldnt have her back. I know she lived in some real dives which i didnt rescue her from, but now she has a pretty nice roof over her head.

I know it may sound cold but by doing this you are helping her to be an adult and support herself. I will always love my dd but cannot ever live with her again. It is ok to accept this as a reality. You can help by finding out if there is any Is there any emergency housing that your dd can access and give her the info.

[esmaine]

Ibj  my d doesn't have any real friends just a couple of down and outs she knows from the drug scene but she does know where she can go to present herself as homeless, it's our local housing association.

Js friend, thanks for the reply, you are right it goes against every maternal instinct to tell your child they cannot live with you anymore and when we took her key off her I swear my heart broke.

I think once she has her own place I will feel less anxious. My husband  pointed out to me that as long as she lives with us she will never grow up. This is so true as I have always been guilty of trying to make things easy for her just to keep our home peaceful but on reflection I have made things a lot worse.

[Butterflygirl]

Guilt is tricky. If it is genuine it can lead to changes for  the better. If it is not warranted it becomes toxic and it allows others to manipulate us. I try to separate the two kinds of guilt.

I am codependent and so I have felt guilty for taking up space on the planet. My son takes advantage of that. I spend a lot of time explaining to him that God has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself, for the things I did when he was a child.

I try really hard not to make any decision regarding my son when I am feeling guilty about anything.

Look past the emotion when it comes up and determine whether it is warranted or not.

Butterflygirl.

[AVR1962]

You and daughter are actually talking at this point? I know you do not want her back in, understandably. At the same time you are caring for her daughter which should be her responsibility. I think it is great that you took on the child to help out the little girl as well as your daughter. Ultimately though, if possible, your daughter needs to be the one mothering her child. Is there any way that you and your daughter can sit and talk about a contract that will allow her back in the house with set rules and goals? As an adult she might see this as you treating her like a child but perhaps not.

My BPD daughter left home when she was 17, she and I had a big fight over her dating a 21 year old which while still 16 I forbid her to see. She lied and was still sneaking to see him. The night she and I got into it she left and moved in with him. It didn't last, she moved to her bio dad's and that didn't work out either so she asked to come home. My husband, her step dad, did not want her back in the home but like you I could not tun my child out. We decided that she could if she agreed to a contract that we put together. It stipulated that she go to counseling, get a job, pay for her own car expenses, and go back to school. She agreed to it and did everything she agreed to.

[esmaine]

AVR1962, hi, in answer to your question I am on speaking terms with my d, sometimes I prefer not to speak to her for a few days though when she has caused untold upset in our home, Its just like a recovery period.   we could not cope with having my d live here too as we need a calm enviroment for the baby.  She is however allowed to come and visit the little one under supervision whenever she likes but so far that hasnt been very often. My d has 3 months to prove to social sevices that she is willing to embrace the help provided and then she will hopefully be allowed to look after her d herself. I can only hope.

[AVR1962]

AVR1962, hi, in answer to your question I am on speaking terms with my d, sometimes I prefer not to speak to her for a few days though when she has caused untold upset in our home, Its just like a recovery period.   we could not cope with having my d live here too as we need a calm enviroment for the baby.  She is however allowed to come and visit the little one under supervision whenever she likes but so far that hasnt been very often. My d has 3 months to prove to social sevices that she is willing to embrace the help provided and then she will hopefully be allowed to look after her d herself. I can only hope.

Butterfly girl,  I am sorry I can not relate to what you are saying about your relationship with god. My children come  way before religion  and my love for all my children will always be unconditional, that doesnt mean I have to agree with all their choices in life but I will never stop loving them, my love doesnt have conditions attached to it.

Oh, I see... .very difficult situation. Sometimes I don't think there is any one right or wrong answer to these situations. Seems the minute we think we have done something that we thought would be helpful we find out that it was not accepted, not wanted, there's issues about how we did it, etc. I feel for what you are going thru and do hope this works out for the best fro everyone involved.

[thefixermom]

I used to think that love = always having the door open but I learned the hard way that that love also = not denying them the opportunity to develop the skills to survive and live independently, too.  I believe I stunted my DD's maturing process by catching her a few too many times when I should have let her grow up, painful as it is to watch.  I also learned that love = putting the oxygen  mask on myself first so that I don't perish.