My introduction

[Little oak]

I've been silently reading these boards for some time and feel the time is right to introduce myself and my experience. I shall offer a brief summary,apologies if this doesn't make sense I'm still trying to I ravel it all logically in my own mind.

It's been over a year since uexBPD gf and I first met,we met through a mutual friend Jan 14. I'd not long come out of a relationship and she was 3 months out of her marriage that she left. As with most accounts I've read the intensity grew extremely quickly,we seemed to want the same things in life,had the same values and goals and had a good idea of where we wanted to be. We grew very close and by April at her suggestion I gave up my residence and moved in with her and her young children.

I heard some truly awful things about her ex husband who I knew as we were previously employed together,there were allegations of abuse and rape. Naturally I wanted to protect and support her and be a good man. We were only together for a short period of time of 6 months,during those months I was asked to leave her property,slept rough in the open in bushes on 3 occasions I had no idea what was happening,my life was uncertainty and carrier bags containing work clothes that I needed to maintain my employment.

There was a real need on her part to become pregnant I guess she felt this would help fix problems between us,I just don't know. She would always appear to thrive on drama and conflict and was forever complaining of illness and pains which we caused by our situation.

After one of her last arguments with me which was subsequently on my birthday I was asked to leave so I went to stay with family late 2014. There was a lot of pushing and pulling happening then in Jan 2015 she made the decision to move to a different property. She became increasing abusive with some of the most hurtful comments I've heard,everything we had discussed ,my fears,weakness, everything was turned around and thrown at me.

I find my own property Jan and reconnect with an ex partner and we have a short brief relationship,however I recently decided I wasn't ready of healthy enough to continue and called things off months ago. UexBPD gf and I have has minimal contact and I felt I needed to apologise for my part and own my mistakes,I got to a relatively good place,I felt I was at the acceptance stage,had processed the anger and hurt and was seeking closure and was expecting the same ownership for ex. The children she had I grew very close too and I wanted to give something for Christmas to them. Money was transferred to her which I got thanks for then she became abusive and I was told I was basically nothing but a piece of dirt. Going no contact is hard although I know it's the best,it's frustrating watching this person destroy her friendships and anything good she had and not been able to recognise her own actions play a large part in everything. Of course I've been smeared in the process as physically assaulting her,sexual abuse of children has been suggested it's heartbreaking.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Little oak,



I am so sorry that you are going through this.   

I can imagine how hard it is to hear slanderous things about your character.  It is also really hard watching someone who you cared about being so self-destructive and not recognizing their own behavior.

The aftermath of a relationship with a person with BPD can leave you with a lot of unanswered questions. It is helpful to talk about your relationship when going through the healing process. 

Why did she ask you to leave on your birthday?

[Little oak]

She organised a day out for us to do something together which we both really enjoyed,her mother looked after the children to enable us to do this. I felt she resented me for enjoying myself as I didn't appear 'grateful' or thankful enough for her efforts although I was. The night I was asked to leave was due to a dvd I wanted to watch whilst she insisted I went to bed with her... .then all hell broke loose. Looking back she always did nice things and bought things for me then resented me for it after

[EaglesJuju]

She organised a day out for us to do something together which we both really enjoyed,her mother looked after the children to enable us to do this. I felt she resented me for enjoying myself as I didn't appear 'grateful' or thankful enough for her efforts although I was. The night I was asked to leave was due to a dvd I wanted to watch whilst she insisted I went to bed with her... .then all hell broke loose. Looking back she always did nice things and bought things for me then resented me for it after

I have coped with this too. 

PwBPD tend to be hypersensitive/critical of things. From my experience the hypersensitivity caused a lot of issues with assumptions and "mindreading."  It is really frustrating.  When a pwBPD is dysregulating or unable to control their emotions, something innocuous as wanting to watch a DVD instead of going to bed can set them off.  Usually something like that is nothing that you did, but a trigger to abandonment fears etc.  After awhile you become hypersensitive to things as well. It is like you are expecting a reaction all the time even for little things. 

When was the last time you spoke with her?

[JQ]

Hi little oak,

I'm glad you found this place & finally decided to reach out ... .it's tough going through any break up ... .even more so with an ex who is  BPD.  Continue to heal, read, learn and move forward with yourself as you have been doing ... .things seem to be getting  better for you ... .we all take a step backwards now and again ... .but things will continue to get better.

You've come to learn that nothing makes sense with someone who has BPD ... .it's a serious mental / behavioral illness ... .even if they do recognize their own self-destructive behavior as my exBPDgf does ... .from my experience nothing will change ... .she is self-aware, knows that her behavior is destroying any potential of a good relationship either with me or someone else ... .she's been in therapy for 25 plus years with many therapist ... .I would like to think she's making progress over all those years ... .but her continued behavior doesn't isn't lending to that idea. I feel for her like you do with yours ... .but I know I can't CURE it ... .I can't CONTROL it ... .and I'm pretty sure she can't control it either ... .as you said, it's frustrating ... .is sad ... .and I know there is so much work on her part to try & continue to get to a point in her life that she can live a semi-normal life.

Remember ... .this has nothing to do with what you said ... .or what you didn't say or didn't do ... .she has a serious behavioral / mental illness ... .

Continue to come back as often as you need to ... .as often as you want to ... .share what you want ... .you're among friends who have been where you are ... .experienced what you are or have and no one here judges your actions ... .

JQ

[Little oak]

Thanks for your reply eagles and jq... .I spoke to her via text just last night after I'd sent money for her children... .when I said how I was sad that we we unable to resolve our issues because I felt we could overcome them. That was met with a lot of anger and blame, insults of how I'm the lowest of the low and not worthy of her and of course no accountability/responsibility was accepted on her part. Her stepfather mentioned when I was moving how her behaviours are repetitive and how all issues are completely blown out of proportion... .Sitting here now I agree with jq... .I can't really do anymore. Of course I have times where I doubt myself,I guess we all have been there when we've been rocked to the core and our fears and weaknesses are exposed. I also realise I need to do some personal growth and leave her with a mentality of kindness and compassion and that will only come with understanding,something she can't provide me with unfortunately. It's just so sad to watch someone destroy everything and be clueless to their own behaviours. When we see each other on rare occasions she will purposefully drive the car in my direction and follow me then smile in a sarcastic/ false manner it just seems so unnecessary,I don't understand that

[JQ]

Little oak,

I commend you on giving her money for her kids ... .it's certainly an honorable thing ... .but as the devils advocate ... .do you really know that money will be going to the kids in some way such as a gift or otherwise?  Just asking ... .I sent Christmas gifts to my exBPDgf to her kids ... .until I knew that there was no way that things were never going to progress beyond what they were. I also commend you on the way you have decided to part ways ... .with kindness and compassion. I know so many would not give such thought into the process and it would end in the most  ugly way possible. I too ended things wishing her to find peace ... .because she more than anyone else I had known in life deserved to have some peace in her soul ... .I hoped that she found a way to forgive herself in some small way to give herself a chance at happiness in life.

Do not doubt yourself, your actions, or what you said. The reason for the BPD happened long before you came into the picture. For me, my exBPDgf was sexually, emotionally, mentally abused by her older brother of 2 yrs ... .not once ... .not for weeks ... .or months but nearly everyday for years from when she was 4 or 5 until she was 13-14. She was also physically beat, mentally abuse by yet an older sister ... .an absent father who was trying to do the best he could putting food on the table & roof over their head. Her mother probably BPD herself was not around to protect her for whatever reason. I can't begin to even think about the horrors she suffered at the hands of her brother for years ... .I can't imagine how it affected her for the rest of her life ... .if I was to ever see her brother I really don't know what I would do. At one time I called him a friend ... .today I call him a monster. At one point I thought I could help her through it, show her that I saw more in her then other men, that she was more then a sexual object ... .that I truly did care for her ... .not for months ... .but for years ... .nearly 30 years she was always in my mind after we lost contact for 25 yrs ... .but I know from this website and books, and a therapist that there really isn't anything I can do for her now ... .or in the future. I could be a friend ... .but her flying monkey's would circle yet again to cause drama & havoc and nothing good would come from that ... .I have to look after my own well being ... .I have to look after my own mental health after it took a serious hit ... .I am a care giver / codependent who like you gave all that i was to her ... .only to be manipulated and abused mentally, emotionally ... .denied sleep ... .the list goes on. I am a recovering NON ... .and her flying monkey's are not my flying monkey's ... .

I don't blame her ... .how can you blame a child of 4 who is sexually molested by someone who was suppose to protect her.  She will have mental issues for years to come ... .probably for the rest of her life regardless of how much therapy she will receive. How can you blame a child who is just trying to survive something she knew was wrong ... .but powerless to prevent it night after night after night. How do you help someone who was raised a Roman Catholic being sexually abused, mentally, abused, physically abused ... .who is taught that incest is a crime against God ... .and tries to cope & ask God for forgiveness everyday ... .sitting next to the monster week after week in church ... .then asking God to forgive her trespassers ... .only her incredible faith in God prevented her from ending it all year after year.  So how can you blame someone who has experienced such horrors as a child ... .by comparison my hurt is nothing to hers ... .some complain life isn't fair because their s/o with BPD broke their heart ... .look deeper into the issue ... .quit being so selfish ... .they might have broken your heart ... .but their soul is broken ... .and all the kings men and all the kings horses will never ever be able to put her together again ... .

I hope that you continue to read, post, educate yourself & others and most of all ... .you heal from your experience to find the one you're suppose to be with ... .

JQ

[Learning Fast]

JQ

Gotta say---I love your posts!

LF