Getting her back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Long story short, my ex has BPD, and we broke up 3 days ago. We've broken up several times before, but this is the most serious. We're both in college, and have been dating for a little under a year. We haven't communicated since the break up, but she is doing things to purposely hurt me and get my attention.

She shows up to events that she knows I am going. We don't speak, but we make eye contact, and it's awkward to say the least. I have now purposely stopped going to things so that I don't have to run into her.

She posts things on social media to get my attention. One being a picture at an event I was supposed to be attending. She quoted Adele's song lyrics "Hello from the other side" insinuating that she broke my heart and she's having a good time. Another is posting things on Twitter, like Justin Bieber's "Too Late to Say Sorry" song a few times. I unfollowed her on all social media, she still follows me, but made her accounts public so that I would be tempted to look.

The past two days were rough, but I have felt a lot better since I saw her post these really immature things on social meida about our breakup. It seems that she is suffering too, and that she truly isn't over it. It's quite petty to be honest, and childish. I haven't done anything on social media to replicate this behavior whatsoever, and I won't.

Here is my strategy-

1.No contact until she contacts me. I am focusing on myself; getting my health right, working out again, focusing on school, etc.

2. She has reached out to several of my friends telling them that I'm going to need help in this hard time, and that they should be there for me. One of my friends will contact her asking why she told them to be there for me. I'm doing just fine and not hurting at all. I believe that this will drive her crazy, and it will bring her back. In the past, she has done things to hurt me, and when I ignore them, she eventually came back, so I know that this strategy works with her.

What do you guys think of this? Any advice? I do love her, and I have educated myself a lot on BPD. I am going to therapy to deal with the emotional drama that she has put me through, and to better understand how to interact with people with BPD.

[Saradane]

Long story short, my ex has BPD, and we broke up 3 days ago. We've broken up several times before, but this is the most serious. We're both in college, and have been dating for a little under a year. We haven't communicated since the break up, but she is doing things to purposely hurt me and get my attention.

She shows up to events that she knows I am going. We don't speak, but we make eye contact, and it's awkward to say the least. I have now purposely stopped going to things so that I don't have to run into her.

She posts things on social media to get my attention. One being a picture at an event I was supposed to be attending. She quoted Adele's song lyrics "Hello from the other side" insinuating that she broke my heart and she's having a good time. Another is posting things on Twitter, like Justin Bieber's "Too Late to Say Sorry" song a few times. I unfollowed her on all social media, she still follows me, but made her accounts public so that I would be tempted to look.

The past two days were rough, but I have felt a lot better since I saw her post these really immature things on social meida about our breakup. It seems that she is suffering too, and that she truly isn't over it. It's quite petty to be honest, and childish. I haven't done anything on social media to replicate this behavior whatsoever, and I won't.

Here is my strategy-

1.No contact until she contacts me. I am focusing on myself; getting my health right, working out again, focusing on school, etc.

2. She has reached out to several of my friends telling them that I'm going to need help in this hard time, and that they should be there for me. One of my friends will contact her asking why she told them to be there for me. I'm doing just fine and not hurting at all. I believe that this will drive her crazy, and it will bring her back. In the past, she has done things to hurt me, and when I ignore them, she eventually came back, so I know that this strategy works with her.

What do you guys think of this? Any advice? I do love her, and I have educated myself a lot on BPD. I am going to therapy to deal with the emotional drama that she has put me through, and to better understand how to interact with people with BPD.

[Lou12]

Yep ignore ignore ignore, drop off the face of the earth. Set yourself a few weeks in your mind of NC before you'll allow yourself to panic. So I say I'm giving myself 3 weeks and then I'll re-access but I'll use that time to enjoy myself with friends. In that time she'll contact you and you will have had a break. All win x

[Saradane]

Yep ignore ignore ignore, drop off the face of the earth. Set yourself a few weeks in your mind of NC before you'll allow yourself to panic. So I say I'm giving myself 3 weeks and then I'll re-access but I'll use that time to enjoy myself with friends. In that time she'll contact you and you will have had a break. All win x

Do you think my friends telling her I'm ok will help my situation?

[zeus123]

why would you want to be with a person that unable to reciprocate love but primarily just looking for narcissistic supply in a relationship? borderlines bandy about the word 'love' with casual abandon. you'll want to believe them when they say it, but borderlines are pathological liars.

[Lou12]

I personally wouldn't do anything that involves your side contacting her. Be mysterious and busy x

[babyducks]

Hi Saradane,

my two cents... .

Here is my strategy-

1.No contact until she contacts me. I am focusing on myself; getting my health right, working out again, focusing on school, etc.

focusing on yourself is a great idea     exercising and school and doing things that are typically self care can only pay off in the long run.   most of us don't do enough of this.

2. She has reached out to several of my friends telling them that I'm going to need help in this hard time, and that they should be there for me. One of my friends will contact her asking why she told them to be there for me. I'm doing just fine and not hurting at all. I believe that this will drive her crazy, and it will bring her back. In the past, she has done things to hurt me, and when I ignore them, she eventually came back, so I know that this strategy works with her.

BPD is a serious mental illness.   Sufferers really struggle with intense feelings of shame and abandonment.   Do you want to re-kindle a relationship by maneuvering feelings generated by a serious mental illness?   What kind of relationship foundation does this create for you guys?

What do you guys think of this? Any advice? I do love her, and I have educated myself a lot on BPD. I am going to therapy to deal with the emotional drama that she has put me through, and to better understand how to interact with people with BPD.

learning how to better open lines of communication is vitally important,  learning about validation and SET allows both of you to be heard.    it's probably the best thing I ever did for my relationship and it wasn't easy at all.  I learned that here in the lessons.

I spent some time in therapy myself to identify the    I brought to the relationship. 

that's what worked for me.

ducks

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Saradane, It sounds like you hope to get back together w/your BPDx.  I have a question: what makes you think it will go differently this time?  Often a recycle ends the same way, but it's more painful.  Suggest you look before you leap back into BPD soup.

LuckyJim