Feel guilty...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Im having alot of problem with my self-esteem... .if feel guilty, sometimes I think that  I have'nt been "enough" to keep her. I would not say I did'nt deserve her but some points put doubt in my mind. I look good, 38 years old single father, good job, good social skills but I suffer of chronic headache that put some limitations to my daily activities. I need to pay attention to my sleep, to what I eat, sports intensity, alcoohol intake and alot more... .Now my ex BPdgf is rebounding with a kid of 24 (she's 30) and somtimes I think my life were too boring for her. With the replacement she party many times a week, go out and seems to have fun. My life is more calm, stable but I like my routine. However Im doing sports everyday (weight lifting and cardio), I'm a very good cook (dessert, bbq, sushi... .), go to coofee shop, go to the movies, shopping, take care of my daughter, video games, passion for traveling... .not soo bad? Just before NC she told me that my life was not enough for her, that she wanted to be more active, to have more challenge! She also told me that I had the life of an old pop but she wanted to come back with me? No sense! I will be honnest, the more I think about that the more I feel that what I had to offer was of course not enough! I Feel very sad about that but I think that cannot explain all the crual things she did to me. Comments?

[tribalmart]

Im having alot of problem with my self-esteem... .if feel guilty, sometimes I think that  I have'nt been "enough" to keep her. I would not say I did'nt deserve her but some points put doubt in my mind. I look good, 38 years old single father, good job, good social skills but I suffer of chronic headache that put some limitations to my daily activities. I need to pay attention to my sleep, to what I eat, sports intensity, alcoohol intake and alot more... .Now my ex BPdgf is rebounding with a kid of 24 (she's 30) and somtimes I think my life were too boring for her. With the replacement she party many times a week, go out and seems to have fun. My life is more calm, stable but I like my routine. However Im doing sports everyday (weight lifting and cardio), I'm a very good cook (dessert, bbq, sushi... .), go to coofee shop, go to the movies, shopping, take care of my daughter, video games, passion for traveling... .not soo bad? Just before NC she told me that my life was not enough for her, that she wanted to be more active, to have more challenge! She also told me that I had the life of an old pop but she wanted to come back with me? No sense! I will be honnest, the more I think about that the more I feel that what I had to offer was of course not enough! I Feel very sad about that but I think that cannot explain all the crual things she did to me. Comments?

[enlighten me]

I know what you mean. I too thought that I wasn't enough for my ex. I realise this is true but not a fault on my behalf. The problem is that nothing was enough for my ex. I think that because of hr unstable sense of self she wants everything. She wants to be a home body that cooks and cleans and looks after the kids. She also want to be the rock chick out partying and listening to bands. She wants to be the worldly adventurer that travels and experiences culture. She wants everything and everything is not possible as they contradict each other.

So yes you were probably not enough for her but no one is. What you have to think is are you happy with who you are as a person? That is all you can change if you want to. For me there are things I could change but all in all Im comfortable with who I am.

[Someguywrote]

You have a lot to offer. But it will never be enough for her. Nothing will.

I'm a 26 year old single father with a good job, good home, nice car, intelligence, sense of humor. I'm dominant, but understanding and compassionate. Plus I'm attractive.

Women love me. My ex knew what she had and she still knows my value. I think it may have been too much for her and now she's dating deadbeat losers. Maybe she feels that's what she deserves. I think it is too.

[guy4caligirl]

It always amaze me the similarity in experiencing a relation with An ex BPD .

She had it made with me  : Job that she loved ,  no cost of living , nothing, even her meds , came to work whenever she wanted and also got paid  , she is in debt now  no money, living with some dude  with an okay job and 10 years younger than her  , in debt for thousands of dollars  no job also in a year and a half  ... .And so on .

You  just can't do anything to please them they want more as soon as you put your gift down .

Don't take it as that you weren't enough for her ,any single girl would love a partner that cooks go shopping go out to eat go to the movies etc .

No one she dates will last forever like she think (got engaged ) Your replacement will be replaced also sooner than you think .

Try not to look  back and wonder how she's making it  or how could she go backward , SHE  has unmatched survival skills , And looks will fade sooner or latter ... .

what a sad life without commonsense .

The disorder will always win .You will come out of this stronger in time .

[tribalmart]

Sharing my experiences/issues on this forum help me alot going through this difficult process. I can realize that our ex BPD behave almost the same way... .it's unbelievable to see all the similarities! Like guy4caligirl said it's true that we were not enough for them but how can we win against illness? Impossible mission.

They are expert to put alot of toxic stuff in our heads. At the beginning they treat you like a king but at the end they will spit on you! She's gone but I still think and ruminate most of the day. Being Nc is one thing... .but being well with who I am and positive about my unknow future is another one. Now it's a fight against myslef with all the damage she left behind her and the re-openend wound from the past!

BPD sufferers are often very crual, they dont really know the major consequences on us (non BPD). The final result is oftend a deep wound and that's why I'm so grateful that a such community exist. Sincerely, Thanks to all of you!

[guy4caligirl]

Tribalmart you wrote :

         They dont really know the major consequences on us (non BPD).

     Let me add this very important three words to the end of your sentence  : ON themselves Also.

[lovenature]

No one will ever be good enough for them, it is because they have so much shame and lack of sense of self; they want someone who can make them feel good about themselves, and only they can change how they truly feel about themselves.

Things are good during the idealization phase for both partners; needs being met, then once you get too close they push you away, and sadly the more you love them and the closer you get, the more they do to hurt you and push you away.

I know how hard it is to see things clearly when you're self esteem and confidence have been decimated, I have found it helped me to learn about BPD and why I accepted what I did (codependency-needy victim/fixer rescuer), also to remember who I was before I met my ex. and know that's who I am. Go by what you have both proven in reality to each other; how many times ACTIONS have matched words.