An impossible situation with family member with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

In September, my older sister was in what I was told was a very serious car accident.  I am NC with her and her family as she has no boundaries.  With that said, I felt horrible was greatly concerned about her well being.  I was getting information from my father, the one family member whom is in touch with her and her family.  I was placed with a dilemma, do I reach out to my sister because I do care about her and do not want anything bad to happen to her or do I leave her be at a time where she is the one that matters, a victim of a car crash.  I was afraid to reach out to her and her family because she has said horrible things, lies, etc. about me and my FOO.  I did not want to upset her after her accident or upset her family members.  Well my dad gave the nudge I needed.  I reached out, sent flowers and a nice card.  All my updates were from my dad and I asked daily.

When she was released, she twisted everything I did and said and tried to make me out to a horrible person for reaching out.  I asked my father if her husband mentioned receiving the flowers .  She turned that into me being angry that she did not send a thank you card for the flowers while she was sick.  I never said that nor did I expect any kind of thank you from her family.  I only asked if she received them.  Then she copied and pasted my original post about the accident on another site and said horrible things about me and I am sure continues to.  I do not know as I am not on that other website.

My question is has anyone else been in a similar situation?  Your family member with BPD is sick, accident and we are d*amned if we do and d*mned if we don't.

For the record I was sincerely upset and concerned about her but she is making the concern into drama, drama and more drama.  I know i did the right thing.  I know my intentions were good.  I know I was hesitant for the right and real reasons but in the end should I have just not expressed concern?  Thank you.

[Pina colada]

In September, my older sister was in what I was told was a very serious car accident.  I am NC with her and her family as she has no boundaries.  With that said, I felt horrible was greatly concerned about her well being.  I was getting information from my father, the one family member whom is in touch with her and her family.  I was placed with a dilemma, do I reach out to my sister because I do care about her and do not want anything bad to happen to her or do I leave her be at a time where she is the one that matters, a victim of a car crash.  I was afraid to reach out to her and her family because she has said horrible things, lies, etc. about me and my FOO.  I did not want to upset her after her accident or upset her family members.  Well my dad gave the nudge I needed.  I reached out, sent flowers and a nice card.  All my updates were from my dad and I asked daily.

When she was released, she twisted everything I did and said and tried to make me out to a horrible person for reaching out.  I asked my father if her husband mentioned receiving the flowers .  She turned that into me being angry that she did not send a thank you card for the flowers while she was sick.  I never said that nor did I expect any kind of thank you from her family.  I only asked if she received them.  Then she copied and pasted my original post about the accident on another site and said horrible things about me and I am sure continues to.  I do not know as I am not on that other website.

My question is has anyone else been in a similar situation?  Your family member with BPD is sick, accident and we are d*amned if we do and d*mned if we don't.

For the record I was sincerely upset and concerned about her but she is making the concern into drama, drama and more drama.  I know i did the right thing.  I know my intentions were good.  I know I was hesitant for the right and real reasons but in the end should I have just not expressed concern?  Thank you.

[Kwamina]

Hi Pina colada

I remember your other post about your sister's accident quite well. It is very sad that this happened to her and also very sad what happened afterwards. You expressed that you cared and perhaps that is all you can do here. It would of course be so much nicer if things were different, unfortunately when dealing with BPD family-members we are faced with a difficult reality in which many things aren't the way we would have liked it.

My question is has anyone else been in a similar situation?  Your family member with BPD is sick, accident and we are d*amned if we do and d*mned if we don't.

For the record I was sincerely upset and concerned about her but she is making the concern into drama, drama and more drama.  I know i did the right thing.  I know my intentions were good.  I know I was hesitant for the right and real reasons but in the end should I have just not expressed concern?  Thank you.

A few years ago my uBPD uncle was seriously ill, he eventually made it through but at the time it looked highly likely that he wouldn't make it. Ever since I was a child, my uBPD mother has been at war with her brother (my uncle). During my uncle's sickness my mother reconnected with him and he also tried to reconnect (or actually for the first time really connect) with me and my siblings. I did visit him in the hospital and I also called him on his first birthday after he had gotten out of hospital. I always kept my distance though and kept certain boundaries in place like not visiting him at his home, not allowing him in my home and a few others. Though he was very sick, I could also still clearly see his BPD dysfunction and how he was playing the victim and trying to use his illness as an excuse to get away with everything that happened before. When he got better, he in many ways went straight back to his old ways and continued to be verbally and in some instances physically abusive towards his wife. One of those instances of physical abuse backfired big time though, as his wife stood up to him and he ended up getting pretty embarrassed.

So this situation with my uncle is different from your story, but I think there are also some similarities. It isn't easy or pleasant but it is what it is though.

Take care

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Pina, I am quite familiar w/this dynamic.  My BPDxW asked me to do something for our kids, which I did gladly.  Afterwards, she belittled my efforts and twisted it into a demand for thanks from our kids which, like you, I never asked for.  It's a No-Win proposition, I'm afraid.  I strive to do what my heart tells me to do and let go of the outcome, which is usually drama and more drama from my Ex, as you note.

LuckyJim

[cloudten]

I am sure that this has hurt you a great deal... .I don't doubt that. It does seem like a no-win situation.

What expectations did you have in sending her flowers and otherwise reaching out?

Sometimes in dealing with these people, I think its important to manage expectations. While I probably wouldn't have anticipated the outcome of your situation being quite so nasty, I also would have tried to lower my expectations. What would a hurt 5 year old do?

Something I always try to keep in mind when dealing with people, especially BPDs is to "hope for the best but expect the worse".  I find that believing in that brings me much less disappointment.

[Pina colada]

Thank you for responding.  I had no expectations from BPD sister.  It was the right thing to do.  I just was not prepared for her to make it into drama... .It was the right thing to do.  I can not have any kind of relationship with her.  I just did what I felt was the right thing and she twisted it into drama and ugliness.  She is all about drama and has a victim mentality.  I stand behind wishing her well but I really have no use for her in my life.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Pina colada

If you are at peace with your own actions and know in your heart that you reached out to her because you care about her well-being, that's the most important thing here. Reaching out to a loved one in a time of crisis, even after all the hurt that person has already caused you, is definitely an act of love in my (parrot) book. Your sister's subsequent reaction does not change or diminish the lovingness of your act.

Protecting your own well-being is crucial and as sad as it may be, this sometimes does require distancing ourselves from our BPD family-members and their problematic behavior.

How have you been holding up these last two weeks?

Kwamina

[Grey Kitty]

Thank you for responding.  I had no expectations from BPD sister.  It was the right thing to do.  I just was not prepared for her to make it into drama... .It was the right thing to do.  I can not have any kind of relationship with her.  I just did what I felt was the right thing and she twisted it into drama and ugliness.  She is all about drama and has a victim mentality.  I stand behind wishing her well but I really have no use for her in my life.

A good friend of mine has a few "Pappyisms" he mentions upon occasion. His dad is long departed, but had some nice bits of wisdom. One of them comes to mind here.

":)o the right thing. You will be punished for it, but do it anyway."

You sound like you are doing a good job of accepting your sister as she is. Even if that means protecting yourself by not letting her have a place in your life.

[Pina colada]

Thank you for responding.  I had no expectations from BPD sister.  It was the right thing to do.  I just was not prepared for her to make it into drama... .It was the right thing to do.  I can not have any kind of relationship with her.  I just did what I felt was the right thing and she twisted it into drama and ugliness.  She is all about drama and has a victim mentality.  I stand behind wishing her well but I really have no use for her in my life.

A good friend of mine has a few "Pappyisms" he mentions upon occasion. His dad is long departed, but had some nice bits of wisdom. One of them comes to mind here.

":)o the right thing. You will be punished for it, but do it anyway


You sound like you are doing a good job of accepting your sister as she is. Even if that means protecting yourself by not letting her have a place in your life.

So true!

[Pina colada]

Well I just found out my sister is still talking about my gesture of sending her flowers.  First she said I did not send them that our father did.Of course still saying I was forced and that I expected a thank you from her while she was recovering.  Just so ridiculous.  I found the florist, she lives in another state, ordered and used my credit card to pay and added other family member names.  I also offered to drive our dad five hours to visit with her but only if she gave me permission.  I am just floored that folks with BPD turn everything into a personal attack.  I give up... .

I still know I did the right thing... .

[Grey Kitty]

Sigh.

Sending flowers was the right thing.

Engaging with any of the later crap about the flowers isn't the right thing. It is a waste of your time and energy.

[Pina colada]

I have been informed by other folks that she is still rehashing the same old stuff.  It just makes me roll my eyes and feel pity for her.  It is sad to be NC with a sibling, but I can not have toxic people in my life now.  I am enjoying a wonderful holiday season with family and friends and special person!  I am looking forward to 2016.  This will all be a distant memory.  I will pray for my sister.  I feel bad for her.  BPD is a horrible disease.